Leaving DH

[WhatTheHellShouldIDo]

After a difficult few years with DH, I have come to the almost impossible decision to leave him. This has been cemented by (and I'm expecting to be flamed for this, quite rightly) meeting someone who has helped me to realise how unhappy I have been.

Dh and I have one child, who is the most wonderful and brilliant thing in my life. leaving the family home means leaving him behind, though I am not planning on going very far and will see him as much as humanly possible. I am in the wrong as it were and I'm not willing to rip him from his home, his friends and his Dad because of me.

I am having to wait to tell DH and DC due to wanting to minimise the pain and trauma over Christmas. Rightly or wrongly I want to give DC a decent Christmas not overshadowed by my crappy decision.

DH is a wonderful man and father who has done no wrong. I realised some years ago that we are better friends than partners but I had got caught up in the idea of creating a nuclear family to raise our child in.

How can I break this to them? I am petrified of what this will mean and want to tell them both in a way that lets them know it is me, not them and that I want to co-parent, be the best Mum I can be and hopefully retain some semblance of a friendship with DH. I know I am most likely minimising what could happen here. I am already on medication from the GP to help me cope as I have explained to them my current situation.

Pursuing a new relationship is much easier without a child in tow 24/7 I guess.
Most mothers I know would rip their own toenails off before willingly leaving a child behind.

my advice to you would be don't leave your child. your son will be destroyed and it will affect him for the rest of his life.

what if dh wont share the parenting? the ball is in his court once you have left. if you discuss the shared parenting and sign something legal then perhaps it could work but till then stay put.

my friend was a badly battered wife and didn't dare take her kids with her as she knew her ex would kill her so she left them in order to save her own life (it was that bad). the kids have never forgiven her and she has a practically non-existent relationship with them now. they had a good life with their dad but they just said 'how could you leave us?'

forget the new bf. hes a distraction you dont need right now. this needs sorting before you even think of starting a new relationship.

you need to think very carefully about this. please dont leave your child. he grew inside you, he needs you all the time not some of the time and he's only 8.
:(

Just dont do it finish with the OM seek counselling on your own and then speak to your DH and at least try to work it out you say he is a wonderful man and father for goodness sake how much better is there than that.
Why on earth does your happiness trump your childs and what about your vows for goodness sake. If this was a horrible relationship with abuse of course the advice would be different but its not.
Your head and heart has been turned but seriously dont even contemplate it.

So are you really just leaving the house and the husband, but not your child....? If you are hoping for 50/50 care?
If that is the case, then I agree with you, it should be no more or no less traumatic to Ds than any other type of break up.
The initial post made it sound as though you were taking off into the sunset with your fancy man..... That would be pretty hard to fathom.

My mother did exactly what your planning. It completely fucked up me and my sister.

Op i feel for you, horrible situation.

I have no experience. I can only suggest you separate "leaving your husband" and "agreeing the living arrangements for your son" into two different processes. Don't let the former lead you to compromise on the latter.

Don't feel guilty for leaving your husband. You don't deserve and don't have to be unhappy.

Good luck x

Don't leave your son.
Don't let him know you considered it.

Sorry OP your original post and subsequent update make fuck all sense put together.

leaving the family home means leaving him behind, though I am not planning on going very far and will see him as much as humanly possible Or as per update: 50/50 custody

Lots of people get divorced and share custody. You need to get it clear in your head whether you are seeking a divorce and shared custody, or whether you’re setting up home with the new bloke straight away and leaving your son behind. I hope it’s the first...

You leave your DH, not your son. If the OM is a good one, he will wait. Get yourself a new flat, get you and your son settled doing 50/50. Once the dust has settled(6 months or so), then pick up with your new man.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch - What a horrible post.

OP- good luck. Everyone deserves happiness, including the mothers of 8 year old much loved children. MNetters never tire of telling mothers to LTB, without any reservations about how the child will see less of their fathers in those cases. Often, no doubt, very good fathers.

I would echo what others have said about telling your DH first and trying to work out a joint approach for DS. Preferably get it in writing, because co-operation may not last when reality kicks in for DH. If 50/50 works out that would be ideal.

It will almost certainly be harder than you think, and probably a longer process.....but worth it in the end.

@NotStayingIn it is the 50/50 arrangement. My head is fried, I'm sorry for the confusion I have caused here.

You are leaving your son!!! Wow. No man would lead me to do that! The research suggests when mothers abandon their kids it's no worse then when fathers do. Personally I don't agree.

But then stop beating yourself up! It’s OK to want to divorce. It’s sad sure but sometimes things don’t work out. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your son or wouldn’t be there for him. It’s going to be awful and then it will get better again. I think you’re making your behaviour sound worse then it is.

@NotStayingIn thank you. I feel fucking awful about the whole thing. Held DS so tight earlier on he c/o feeling squashed. It eats me up inside for what I will miss out on.

I know in my heart I am unhappy, have been unhappy for a long time and it is time to leave DH. I have tried so hard to stay and have pretended for so long. DS brings me unbridled joy in so many ways.

I wouldn't leave him. If you leave him.behind, you may find it an uphill struggle getting the level.of custody that you want.

Will you be living alone or with affair partner?

Could you leave and take your son? Establish your own life before introducing OM?

@32minesagin37 she's not leaving
She's coparenting, like so many people on here

Tell dh op and see a solicitor

I couldn't leave my child. Why can't you find somewhere to rent on your own rather than move in with OM?

Do you really think your DH will let you have 50:50 residence?

Do you really think he'll be happy with you having DS at OM's house 50% of the time?

Do you think it's fair on DS to expect him to live with a man he doesn't know 50% of the time?

I'd say NO to all three.

So does your DH not know anything yet?

I don’t understand. If your unhappy, you ask DH to leave and you stay with your child? Sod the OM. You do the right thing by your son. I can’t quite believe you’ve come on and asked this. I also don’t think anyone misunderstood your initial post.

Why should the dad have his son taken as well as the shock of his wife leaving ?
Such archaic views

@49DBML and be asked to leave ? Why ??

I think, as others have said, you need to separate the different things going on here. You aren’t happy with you H? Have you talked to him, worked together on the relationship, discovered how he feels in all this? There is no shame in deciding you need to walk away from a marriage after you’ve exhausted the options. Exhausting all the options is particularly important when you have DC, as you have.

If you decide that splitting up is the only option, you then need to decide how that’s going to work, and how you will care for your boy.

The OM should be put to one side as an unnecessary distraction . He may have thrown a spotlight on the flaws in your relationship, but may also simple be a grass is greener’ temptation. And as we know, the grass isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! You need to think clearly about your H and DC first and foremost.

Maybe there is a future for you and the OM if you both decide that’s what you want.

I hope you manage to unpick this sad situation and arrive a positive resolution.

Good grief! Who is currently your ds’ main carer? What is your financial situation?

I’m not buying you’re intending 50/50 residency as that’s not what you said at first and I think you’ve changed that based on responses - and that’s you just dealing with criticism online! It’ll be FAR worse in real life.

I know 5 families where there is or was a father as the lone parent. 2 were widowed/mother had died, 1 it was due to substance addiction and the other 2 were due to the mother going off with a new man.

Those now adult children of the mothers still alive barely have a relationship with their mothers, they felt abandoned, worthless, unwanted and deeply hurt.

As for om the grass is greener where it’s watered and fed! That’s why emotional affairs are JUST as damaging as physical ones, the spouse having the affair is putting their emotional energy elsewhere and starving the primary relationship of nurturing.

I'm sorry op, I'd not have said you'll fuck him up had I known you were talking of 50/50 custody. As per pp, your original post sounded as though you were leaving your son.

It sounds like you're in a marriage you don't want and you need to leave it. Forget the other man for a moment here. People do this every day. It's ok to do this. No one should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, and your partner doesn't have to be a megadick, he can be a nice bloke but just not the one for you; and that's ok. My ex was a reasonable bloke. His new girlfriend thinks he's wonderful. He didn't do anything awful; he just wasn't for me, so I split. My son was 5 and it was pretty horrendous. But it's been better, since, because I'm happy now; and a happy mum is better than a miserable one.