Single Dad. How do I approach the subject of reducing child maintenance with my ex? UPDATE

[malgrat78]

Thought I would give a quick update on the thread I started back at the end of October as I got a lot of very helpful responses. Hope people can remember it.

Somethings happened which made my mind up that I should stop the maintenance as soon as possible. Basically, I received a text from my Son’s mum’s boyfriend who is the guy who’s on a methadone treatment plan. It was a very long text from my ex’s phone. It was basically telling me how misbehaved my son is & how it is my job to discipline him & how he should show his mother more respect as you only get one mum & her love is unconditional. This all started as my son had gone to his mum's house to go Trick or Treating with his friends. He went back to his mums after a couple of hours & it appeared that no one was in so he got a lift back to mine. His mum then phoned me up saying that she was in & called my son a liar so they started bickering with each other on the phone. I ended up ending the conversation & said that the main thing is that my Son is now safe & it isn't achieving anything by arguing on the phone.

So I woke up the next morning to the text. He was intimating that if I do not sort my child out, he will more than likely end up in an abusive relationship with domestic violence. He also said that he will eventually lie & manipulate me as he does his mother & for some reason, he is acting like he doesn’t want to be there. I found this all very upsetting to be honest & I found it very frustrating that he at no point could see that just maybe my son is reacting to his surroundings. Plus, the bit where he said that he is acting like he doesn’t want to be there & that’s because he doesn’t. I know that my son can be a handful at his mum’s & I will never condone bad behavior, but he is as good as gold for me. He has seen his mother lie to him, sell his PS4 games, move a guy in who everyone is saying is on Heroin & crack cocaine. His cat was killed by this guy’s dog & my ex lied about it to him for 2 weeks. She smokes cannabis in front of him then complains that she has no money. She never takes him any where & rarely buys him any clothes. My Son is bound to be feeling very upset & pushed out & that is going to come out in his behavior. I have spoken to school who said that he is a very good, kind & caring student. Anyway, after this text I simply replied with “I shall organize mediation & contact my solicitor”. My ex immediately phoned up begging me not to contact mediation & she would do anything. She also accused me of wanting to take her child away from her & that I am loving all of this. I simply ignored her & said that maybe just maybe she should look at her part in this instead of blaming me as all I am doing is looking out for my son & keeping him safe.

After this I was feeling very shaken up & I contacted Family lives who said I should go for full custody as all of this sounds very upsetting & unhealthy for my son. She also said that she can tell that I am doing this for my son’s welfare & nothing else which I found comforting. I had some more advise from someone who has been in a similar situation who advised me to write up a Parental plan & get my ex to sign it. I did this last week & said that I was only allowing evening visits for my son at her house while this guy is living there & I was also going to stop the payment of utility bills as I needed that money to provide for my son as he is now staying with me 7 nights. I had also contacted Child maintenance service who emailed me with a lovely email confirming that child maintenance should be paid to me & not by me & I should also look into claiming child benefit for the upkeep of my son. I had a meeting with a teacher at my Son’s school who I explained the situation to & that I was now the main contact. I have also been advised to change my son’s GP.

I posted the Parental Plan, the notice that I shall be stopping all maintenance, details of all the utility accounts & the email from Child Maintenance Service. I spoke to my ex yesterday as she had cancelled seeing my son in favor of helping her boyfriend’s family. This type of stuff further upsets my Son, but he said he was glad in a way because he didn’t want to go there. She cancelled on him last week as she said she had nothing in for him which further worried me more. I have still been having reports that drug dealers are visiting the house so it is clear where all the money must be going. My ex pleaded with me yesterday not to take her to court & I said that isn’t going to happen. I just need to keep my son safe & it is better for him to be with me. She said she does understand this & she is not going to resist as she knows he is safe & provided for with me.

Last Sunday my son had an accident & needed stitches in his leg. I phoned his mum to tell her & the first thing she said was “you’re not going to tell the hospital that he isn’t living with me are you”. We were in A & E for 7 hours & she couldn’t come to see him & her excuse was that it was because me & her had been arguing which we hadn’t. We had been discussing things on the phone & I would have gladly picked her up & took her to see him. My Son is noticing all of this & it saddens him. She was more concerned a few weeks ago when her boyfriend was having an op than more about her own son. My son mentioned this to me & it must be so upsetting for a 12 year old.

It is all really sad to be honest & I get a feeling that this guy is taking advantage of my ex’s vulnerability but there’s not much I can do about it. It is a very unhealthy relationship between both of them but she must feel wanted & loved by this guy & cannot see that he is trying to control her. It appears that they are downsizing from a 3 bed to a 2 bed & I fear that this is going to further isolate my ex. Last week I heard that there was arguing & shouting from the house & he was calling her stupid. Just more reason why I need to keep my son away. She promised my son his pocket money that she used to give him & said that she had transferred it to my bank but it never arrived which I didn't think it would. So more indication that she is struggling for money & more lie's to my son & let downs.

I have already treated my Son to a new wardrobe & I shall be doing this each month with the money that I was giving my ex that wasn’t going on my son. I am going to claim child benefit & use this for my son’s school meals & a bit of spending money after school.

Sorry for the rant but I thought I would give an update as everything appears to be going in the right direction. Thank you for all your help, its massively appreciated.

Well done OP.
You have done all the right things to get things sorted.
You are putting your DS first in everything.
You are showing him how much you love him.
You are not letting him down and you are there for him.
That is really all you can do.
Keep going.
His mothers actions will have an impact on him.
He is already realising what his DM is all about.
Sad as it is, he just needs to keep his distance.
Again. Well done and keep going!

Your son is lucky to have you, as clearly his mum is not currently capable of providing him with anything but stress and upset.

well done Dad

I can't imagine how hard this must all be for you and your son. You've absolutely done the right thing for him.

@hellsbellsmelons

Thank you. I am just thankful that things look to be going in the right direction. It's stability that he needs & things are getting that way & now I can hopefully provide for him better like he deserves.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

Be mindful of your sons emotional well-being, be open and honest with him and give him chance to talk. It's really hard to grow up knowing that one parent doesn't care

@cricketmum84

You sound like you are doing an amazing job
Thank you.

Be mindful of your sons emotional well-being, be open and honest with him and give him chance to talk. It's really hard to grow up knowing that one parent doesn't care

Yeah we regularly have a sit down & a one to one. What I find very upsetting but at the same time comforting is that he thanks me for been there for him & helping him through this difficult time. He made me a picture on which he wrote "Thank you for all your help daddy & I love you so much & appreciate everything you do for me".

It must be so hard for him but all I can do is continue to be there for him

You have absolutely the right attitude and as you say, what your son needs most is stability, love and care - and a safe home. In 6 short years he will be 18 and well capable of making his own decisions, and I’m sure he will understand and appreciate that any decisions you have made were always for his well being, unlike the decisions his mother has made.

I can only urge you to keep going as you are, you are 100% on the right track here.

@nocluewhattodoo
@BumbleBeee69
@DoctorManhattan

Thank you

While it's understandable that your son (and you) grieve that he doesn't have the mother he wishes he had, and that he, as all children do, deserve, it's important to focus on that he's got a great Dad who has worked so hard and tirelessly to get him into a safe, happy and stable home, who loves him, and puts him at the centre.

Good on you.

I remember your previous thread. I'm glad you are taking the right steps and that your son has you to look out for him. I know it must be tough but well done.

You seem to be doing all the right things...

I am a bit worried why she wouldn't want the hospital to know her son isn't living there any more.

Is she claiming benefits that she isn't meant to because he isn't with you?

Is she committing benefit fraud OP? I can't imagine why on earth she would be so up in arms about the nhs finding out he no longer resided with her. Very dodgy.

I can't see how protecting her from the authorities (or proper help) benefits anyone really. She is taking drugs, likely addicted by the sounds of her behaviour, involved with criminals. She needs help but I don't think you should be the one to provide it OP. Where are her family and friends?

Thank goodness your son has been removed. I would certainly look into counselling for him if he would be willing, a place he can talk and work through his feelings. Difficult childhoods are not easy to get over and there is a lot of guilt involved with 'leaving' one parent for another.

@Windinmyhair

I am a bit worried why she wouldn't want the hospital to know her son isn't living there any more.

Is she claiming benefits that she isn't meant to because he isn't with you?

Yes she is claiming child benefit although I am sending the forms off today to make a claim as this will help pay for his school lunch & spending money for after school when he goes to the shop with his mates.

Also, she is currently claiming housing benefit & lives in a 3 bed council house. She is doing a mutual exchange for a 2 bed but I think that she fears that she will not be entitled to a 2 bed if she hasn't got her son staying over.

All I can say is keep doing what your doing. It’s a shameful thing what your ex is doing. I really don’t give one fuck about any personal circumstances she might be in. If you don’t put your child first your worthless. Keep it up OP. Maybe consider some therapy for him? It’s likely to hit him like a tonne of bricks in the very near tears. Speaking from experience,

YEARS! And tears poor wee dot he is.

Malgrat78 have you now got legal custody of your son ? Have you advised social services that their mother cannot keep your son safe from harm ?

Do you have your son's birth certificate or could you apply for a copy of one ?

@dontgobaconmyheart

Is she committing benefit fraud OP? I can't imagine why on earth she would be so up in arms about the nhs finding out he no longer resided with her. Very dodgy

Yes she is claiming child benefit. Plus she has her boyfriend living there claiming benefits & receiving housing benefit. I assume that because my son lives with me that she isn't entitled to anything more than a 1 bed. She is currently in a 3 & downsizing to a 2.

I can't see how protecting her from the authorities (or proper help) benefits anyone really. She is taking drugs, likely addicted by the sounds of her behaviour, involved with criminals. She needs help but I don't think you should be the one to provide it OP. Where are her family and friends?

She does need help but unfortunately all her friends & family have disowned her due to all of this. She suffers with mental health issues & not long ago I tried to push her into therapy. I even did the online form for her but she wouldn't send it so I believe she uses drugs & now her new partner as her crutch. It is all really sad.

Thank goodness your son has been removed. I would certainly look into counselling for him if he would be willing, a place he can talk and work through his feelings. Difficult childhoods are not easy to get over and there is a lot of guilt involved with 'leaving' one parent for another

Yes, I am going to look into counselling once I have him registered in my doctors, thank you.

I’d still take it through court so it’s in black and white. Your son should get a say in this because of his age depending on country

She will be claiming child benefit and tax credits for him let both know you have full care of him with proof

See if you can get some counselling from the school if st all possible for your lad so he has a safe outlet to express himself also just listen to him even the mundane stuff as it makes him realise you’ll be there for him regardless

Good luck

Wow so sad your op made me cry.
What a brilliant Dad you sound like @malgrat78 your son is lucky to have you 😊

@MissDew

Malgrat78 have you now got legal custody of your son ? Have you advised social services that their mother cannot keep your son safe from harm ?

When I spoke to social services they put me down as the main carer. I have offered his mum mediation which you have to attend before any court action but she declined. I am waiting for her to sign the parental agreement which limits her contact with him. I have been advised that this will be enough for the time being as she is not putting up any kind of fight. As she said to me last night, she agrees that our son is best off with me.

Do you have your son's birth certificate or could you apply for a copy of one ?

I was looking for this last night as I am sure I have a copy but I can apply for one if not.

@ilovetofu

Thank you. I am just doing what I feel is right & what every child deserves.

You're a great parent, your son is very lucky he has someone in his life putting him first.

His mother sounds like she is using her son for financial gain. She's going to end up having to pay all that CB back that she claimed when her son was not living with her. My boys dad did something similar (kept hundreds in child tax credits after they the boys came to live with me) and I ended up having to pay them all back due to the claim being in my name - but they went into his account. I wouldn't make a financial mistake like that again.

I wish you both lots of luck in the future. You're a great role model to him.

@Dullardmullard

I’d still take it through court so it’s in black and white. Your son should get a say in this because of his age depending on country

I cannot apply for a court order unless we have been through mediation & she is refusing. She is currently not putting up any fight as she knows he is better off with me & this is what my son says he wants. If she starts objecting then I will be taking it further immediately. I am just waiting for her to sign the parental agreement & although it isn't legally binding it will put me in a good position if I do need to take It further.

She will be claiming child benefit and tax credits for him let both know you have full care of him with proof

She is claiming child benefit but I am letting them know today of the change. That will then put me in a better position in terms of the title of main carer.

See if you can get some counselling from the school if st all possible for your lad so he has a safe outlet to express himself also just listen to him even the mundane stuff as it makes him realise you’ll be there for him regardless

Good idea, I shall have a word with the school. Yeah I try to give him all of my time 7 attention when he wants it even if it is to discuss little things such as his football player cards or music.

Good luck

Thank you.