Single Dad. How do I approach the subject of reducing child maintenance with my ex? UPDATE

[malgrat78]

Thought I would give a quick update on the thread I started back at the end of October as I got a lot of very helpful responses. Hope people can remember it.

Somethings happened which made my mind up that I should stop the maintenance as soon as possible. Basically, I received a text from my Son’s mum’s boyfriend who is the guy who’s on a methadone treatment plan. It was a very long text from my ex’s phone. It was basically telling me how misbehaved my son is & how it is my job to discipline him & how he should show his mother more respect as you only get one mum & her love is unconditional. This all started as my son had gone to his mum's house to go Trick or Treating with his friends. He went back to his mums after a couple of hours & it appeared that no one was in so he got a lift back to mine. His mum then phoned me up saying that she was in & called my son a liar so they started bickering with each other on the phone. I ended up ending the conversation & said that the main thing is that my Son is now safe & it isn't achieving anything by arguing on the phone.

So I woke up the next morning to the text. He was intimating that if I do not sort my child out, he will more than likely end up in an abusive relationship with domestic violence. He also said that he will eventually lie & manipulate me as he does his mother & for some reason, he is acting like he doesn’t want to be there. I found this all very upsetting to be honest & I found it very frustrating that he at no point could see that just maybe my son is reacting to his surroundings. Plus, the bit where he said that he is acting like he doesn’t want to be there & that’s because he doesn’t. I know that my son can be a handful at his mum’s & I will never condone bad behavior, but he is as good as gold for me. He has seen his mother lie to him, sell his PS4 games, move a guy in who everyone is saying is on Heroin & crack cocaine. His cat was killed by this guy’s dog & my ex lied about it to him for 2 weeks. She smokes cannabis in front of him then complains that she has no money. She never takes him any where & rarely buys him any clothes. My Son is bound to be feeling very upset & pushed out & that is going to come out in his behavior. I have spoken to school who said that he is a very good, kind & caring student. Anyway, after this text I simply replied with “I shall organize mediation & contact my solicitor”. My ex immediately phoned up begging me not to contact mediation & she would do anything. She also accused me of wanting to take her child away from her & that I am loving all of this. I simply ignored her & said that maybe just maybe she should look at her part in this instead of blaming me as all I am doing is looking out for my son & keeping him safe.

After this I was feeling very shaken up & I contacted Family lives who said I should go for full custody as all of this sounds very upsetting & unhealthy for my son. She also said that she can tell that I am doing this for my son’s welfare & nothing else which I found comforting. I had some more advise from someone who has been in a similar situation who advised me to write up a Parental plan & get my ex to sign it. I did this last week & said that I was only allowing evening visits for my son at her house while this guy is living there & I was also going to stop the payment of utility bills as I needed that money to provide for my son as he is now staying with me 7 nights. I had also contacted Child maintenance service who emailed me with a lovely email confirming that child maintenance should be paid to me & not by me & I should also look into claiming child benefit for the upkeep of my son. I had a meeting with a teacher at my Son’s school who I explained the situation to & that I was now the main contact. I have also been advised to change my son’s GP.

I posted the Parental Plan, the notice that I shall be stopping all maintenance, details of all the utility accounts & the email from Child Maintenance Service. I spoke to my ex yesterday as she had cancelled seeing my son in favor of helping her boyfriend’s family. This type of stuff further upsets my Son, but he said he was glad in a way because he didn’t want to go there. She cancelled on him last week as she said she had nothing in for him which further worried me more. I have still been having reports that drug dealers are visiting the house so it is clear where all the money must be going. My ex pleaded with me yesterday not to take her to court & I said that isn’t going to happen. I just need to keep my son safe & it is better for him to be with me. She said she does understand this & she is not going to resist as she knows he is safe & provided for with me.

Last Sunday my son had an accident & needed stitches in his leg. I phoned his mum to tell her & the first thing she said was “you’re not going to tell the hospital that he isn’t living with me are you”. We were in A & E for 7 hours & she couldn’t come to see him & her excuse was that it was because me & her had been arguing which we hadn’t. We had been discussing things on the phone & I would have gladly picked her up & took her to see him. My Son is noticing all of this & it saddens him. She was more concerned a few weeks ago when her boyfriend was having an op than more about her own son. My son mentioned this to me & it must be so upsetting for a 12 year old.

It is all really sad to be honest & I get a feeling that this guy is taking advantage of my ex’s vulnerability but there’s not much I can do about it. It is a very unhealthy relationship between both of them but she must feel wanted & loved by this guy & cannot see that he is trying to control her. It appears that they are downsizing from a 3 bed to a 2 bed & I fear that this is going to further isolate my ex. Last week I heard that there was arguing & shouting from the house & he was calling her stupid. Just more reason why I need to keep my son away. She promised my son his pocket money that she used to give him & said that she had transferred it to my bank but it never arrived which I didn't think it would. So more indication that she is struggling for money & more lie's to my son & let downs.

I have already treated my Son to a new wardrobe & I shall be doing this each month with the money that I was giving my ex that wasn’t going on my son. I am going to claim child benefit & use this for my son’s school meals & a bit of spending money after school.

Sorry for the rant but I thought I would give an update as everything appears to be going in the right direction. Thank you for all your help, its massively appreciated.

OMG. OP.
You are doing an amazing job.
I hope you are no longer giving her any financial support and although I get that she is your son's mother She is not in anyway behaving like a mum.
Please let everyone know that your child now lives with you.
You may be able to get help with your rent and bills.
It is not your responsibility to help her physically or emotionally. You need all your strength and resources for you and your boy.
Hope you look in from time to time as we can can all see that you are doing a fantastic thing here.
Good luck.
Take care

@Scott72

She's too far gone for you to help her, the best thing is get your son away from her. I'd be worried about her or her deadbeat boyfriend making false accusations to try and extort more money out of you. You need the services of a good lawyer here

Yeah I agree. This has gone on for fat too long. She gets 2 hours on a Tuesday & 4 on a Sunday with my Son but I may have to reduce this further.

Regarding the money. She gets no money from me now. My son doesn't sleep there any more. I am in the process of changing his doctors to my address, I have informed his school, social services have me down as the main carer & I am in the process of claiming child benefit. Also, I have an email from Child Maintenance service which I have given her detailing how Child Maintenance should be paid to me & not by me. Once my child benefit claim goes through this puts me down as the main carer officially & there isn't much she can do to try & get any money from me because basically she isn't entitled to anything. She is in really bad way by the looks of it. She doesn't look well & she is in major debt. I don't think she could handle the hassle of trying anything to get my Son there more. When I spoke to her on Sunday she said herself that my Son was better off with me. I have explained to her that if she doesn't agree with anything then I will go straight for mediation & then if she doesn't turn up it will be court.

@notthemum

OMG. OP.
You are doing an amazing job.
I hope you are no longer giving her any financial support and although I get that she is your son's mother She is not in anyway behaving like a mum.
Please let everyone know that your child now lives with you.
You may be able to get help with your rent and bills.
It is not your responsibility to help her physically or emotionally. You need all your strength and resources for you and your boy.
Hope you look in from time to time as we can can all see that you are doing a fantastic thing here.
Good luck.
Take care

Thank you. With reluctance at first I have stopped all financial support & I sent off a claim for child benefit on Monday. My son only see's her for 6 hours a week so I couldn't justify paying her anything especially as I was beginning to struggle myself. I have told school that he is now living with me & I am in the process of changing his doctors. I also told the Hospital last Sunday when he had an accident that required A & E. I am trying to wipe my hands of her now & only communicate when really necessary. I have to concentrate on my Son now & try to help him through this as best as I can.

Was she always flaky like this? What a terrible situation. Well done you for getting your son out. I think you should be thinking about stopping all access until she is clean exposing your son to this could be very damaging for him she is clearly very poorly with her addiction.

sounds like you're doing all the right things, Malgrat. Hats off to you.

I would officially go for full custody. Sure, it'll screw up her house move, and screw up her benefit entitlements, but I don't see why that should be your problem. You might actually be doing her a favour, as the junky waster might fuck off when his cash cow dries up.

You get chucked off the methaone program after not turning up 3 times, so that should tell you if hes back on drugs, although with the vanishing TV I think you have your answer

@Patroclus

You get chucked off the methaone program after not turning up 3 times, so that should tell you if hes back on drugs, although with the vanishing TV I think you have your answer

Ah right. Well I was told that he was been administered methadone at home & the van which was going to administer it hasn't been seen for a number of weeks. I do suspect that he is back on Heroin & I do suspect that his mum might also be using it. If not heroin I definitely know she smokes quite a lot of Cannabis. What ever the drug is it's not going to help with her financial situation.

@clutchingon

Was she always flaky like this?

No & this is what is so sad. She has always been a liar & as far as I am aware she often used soft drugs on a weekend when I had my son stay. However, she did start going to college & she was always good to my son. In some ways she was too soft hence his bad behaviour sometimes due to lack of boundaries. But, in the past maybe 6 months things have just got worse. It all started going down hill when she moved the boyfriend in but she refuses to see this. Now it's just lies after lies & broken promises. I honestly have no idea how she is going to pull herself out of this. She looks to be spiralling further into debt & her boyfriend is just making things worse. I think they are just comfortable getting wasted sat at home & have no goals in life or anything. It is really really sad to be honest.

You both are so lucky to have each other. Your son sound lovely and he deserves the best you can give him.
Make sure you spend quality time. Watch movies, talk as much as possible. Make him feel loved.
If he lets you hug him and praise him.
You are a great dad.

@Straycatstrut

You're a great parent, your son is very lucky he has someone in his life putting him first

Thank you :)

His mother sounds like she is using her son for financial gain. She's going to end up having to pay all that CB back that she claimed when her son was not living with her. My boys dad did something similar (kept hundreds in child tax credits after they the boys came to live with me) and I ended up having to pay them all back due to the claim being in my name - but they went into his account. I wouldn't make a financial mistake like that again

Yes I think she is to a point. The boyfriend definitely is as he was trying to get my son to stay there more. I have sent the claim in to child benefit & I gave them the date when my son came to live with me. I was generous with this date to be honest as my son has been staying with me the majority of the time for a few months now. So, maybe she will have to pay this back? I guess they might contact her to confirm my son is living with me. She might lie & say this isn't the case. I am not sure how I can prove that he is to be honest if this happens?

I wish you both lots of luck in the future. You're a great role model to him

Thanks again.

@Thornhill58

You both are so lucky to have each other. Your son sound lovely and he deserves the best you can give him.
Make sure you spend quality time. Watch movies, talk as much as possible. Make him feel loved.
If he lets you hug him and praise him.
You are a great dad. smile

Thank you & he is a great kid. He appears to be holding up very well. We are always out 7 about doing fun things & then we have cuddles on a night before bed. I just hope I have caught all this mess early enough.

SS will help with dates when he moved in.

Another update! I have just had a very unhappy ex phone me up saying that I am a b@stard because they have stopped her Child Benefit & she needed that money & I am evil & all I want to do is destroy her. Her boyfriend started complaining too as she likes to put the calls on loud speaker so I politely asked him to be quiet as it has nothing to do with him. His reply was "what the f&#k are you going to do?"

I calmly tried to explain that as my son is no longer living with her she is no longer entitled to the Child benefit & she should not need it. If she does need it then she needs to look at her finances.

Your priorities are your child and his well fare. Her financial woes are for her to deal with. Stay strong.

@sue51

Your priorities are your child and his well fare. Her financial woes are for her to deal with. Stay strong

She makes me feel so guilty but as I tried explaining to her she is not legally entitled to that money so I have done nothing wrong as I now need to support my child who is now living with me. I think this outburst just reaffirms that the money she was getting for my son was more than likely going on other things namely drugs.

I just need to concentrate on my Son & keeping him away from all this turmoil & toxicity.

she needed that money & I am evil
Of course she did.
She was used to it.
She used it to pay for drugs.
Now what will she do!?
She can get to fuck.
That money is for HER son, not her and boyfriend to blow on drugs.
They got exactly what was coming to them.
And your gorgeous DS is now actually getting what he deserves. That money spent on him, as it should always have been.
I'm fuming for you OP, but ignore the drama and histrionics!
You are doing what you need to do and you just keep doing that.
They are selfish entitled assholes!
You go OP!!!!
Well done! Keep protecting your DS.

@hellsbellsmelons

Of course she did.
She was used to it.
She used it to pay for drugs.
Now what will she do!?
She can get to fuck.
That money is for HER son, not her and boyfriend to blow on drugs.
They got exactly what was coming to them.
And your gorgeous DS is now actually getting what he deserves. That money spent on him, as it should always have been.
I'm fuming for you OP, but ignore the drama and histrionics!
You are doing what you need to do and you just keep doing that.
They are selfish entitled assholes!
You go OP!!!!
Well done! Keep protecting your DS.

Thank you for this! Sometimes I just need confirmation that I am doing the right thing. She has the ability to point the finger at me & take no responsibility for her actions.

When I see my son happy each morning & I know he is provided for adequately like he should be, it reaffirms that what I am doing is for his benefit.

I would look into making contact a neutral location and making sure that your son has no money/phone/clothing that they might steal and sell for drugs.

I would actually be looking at stopping all contact- perhaps allowing her a phone/ video call at a certain time every week instead.

It looks very much like his Mother has spiralled into heroin addiction and that is an incredibly dangerous situation to allow your son access to. I have a lovely friend, who as a young teen was friends with a boy who had visitation at his Mums house twice a week, he invited my friend over to visit his Mum with him and whilst there my friend watched as his Mother self injected heroin. It was normality to this boy and unfortunately via his Mother, that boy later descended into heroin addiction himself. Thankfully, with the help of his Dad and his Dads family he got clean. But I think it illustrates the dangers of having your son around two drug addicts!

Glad to see you OP, Do not give in to this ridiculous excuse for a mother.
As you have had confirmed today you are a bastard for getting HER money stopped.
NO, this is crap. You are a wonderful dad and doing your best for your son.
Stay strong.
When you have a bad day (no reflection on you, we all have them)
Look back on these messages and know that we all think you are amazing, we are all here to support you and you are doing brilliantly.

Omg that is dreadful. You must be a nervous wreck knowing your child is around methadone. Sorry, that was alarmist. No advice, but

Oh sorry, I read the update. Relieved to read that.

You sound like an amazing dad, your ds is so lucky to have you..what an incredibly difficult situation and you seem to have sympathy for your ex which speaks volumes as to your character. Someone once gave me advice that i couldnt take a pill for everyones headache which is very true...continue to be a wonderful dad but also look after yourself.

@notthemum

Glad to see you OP, Do not give in to this ridiculous excuse for a mother.
As you have had confirmed today you are a bastard for getting HER money stopped.
NO, this is crap. You are a wonderful dad and doing your best for your son.
Stay strong.
When you have a bad day (no reflection on you, we all have them)
Look back on these messages and know that we all think you are amazing, we are all here to support you and you are doing brilliantly.

Thank you!

Thank you for the update. Sounds like you two are enjoying your time together. The grow so fast.
There are so many free things in life. Love being one of those wonderful things.
You'll be friends for life. Eat together and enjoy.
Well done. Remember that your only responsibility is for your son. His Mum hopefully will be safe for him one day.

I had an extremely angry ex partner this afternoon. She phoned me up while I was at work furious that she had received a letter telling her that she is no longer eligible for a 2 bed house & that her single person council tax has been taken off of her & I think they have lowered her benefits. The letter basically said that this is because they have had up to date information that her son is no longer living with her. She said it is all my fault because I have put a claim in for child benefit & If i had just of asked her she would have given me £20 a week. She said that she will not be able to move now into this 2 bed exchange she was looking for & I have ruined her Christmas.

I tried explaining that all I did was put a claim in for what is rightfully mine to help with my son's upkeep now that he is living with me. She said I could have waited until after Xmas & she wants her son back living with her because everything is fine at her house. I mentioned that she may want that but i dont & our son doesnt want to be there. She asked me why I didnt want it so I said well for starters her new partner is on drugs & Social Services have confirmed this. She said no he isnt he is on methadone! Anyway, she had an answer for everything. She said she is going to phone the housing office & tell them our son is living there 2 nights per week. I said go do that but if they contact me I will not be lying to them & you will be claiming illegally. I ended up reminding her that we both should be concerned about our sons welfare & not about who is receiving what benefits. She made me feel really guilty to be honest but I have spoken with a few friends who have reassured me that I have nothing to feel guilty about & I am just concerned about my son.