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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single Dad. How do I approach the subject of reducing child maintenance with my ex? UPDATE

89 replies

malgrat78 · 11/11/2019 11:43

Thought I would give a quick update on the thread I started back at the end of October as I got a lot of very helpful responses. Hope people can remember it.

Somethings happened which made my mind up that I should stop the maintenance as soon as possible. Basically, I received a text from my Son’s mum’s boyfriend who is the guy who’s on a methadone treatment plan. It was a very long text from my ex’s phone. It was basically telling me how misbehaved my son is & how it is my job to discipline him & how he should show his mother more respect as you only get one mum & her love is unconditional. This all started as my son had gone to his mum's house to go Trick or Treating with his friends. He went back to his mums after a couple of hours & it appeared that no one was in so he got a lift back to mine. His mum then phoned me up saying that she was in & called my son a liar so they started bickering with each other on the phone. I ended up ending the conversation & said that the main thing is that my Son is now safe & it isn't achieving anything by arguing on the phone.

So I woke up the next morning to the text. He was intimating that if I do not sort my child out, he will more than likely end up in an abusive relationship with domestic violence. He also said that he will eventually lie & manipulate me as he does his mother & for some reason, he is acting like he doesn’t want to be there. I found this all very upsetting to be honest & I found it very frustrating that he at no point could see that just maybe my son is reacting to his surroundings. Plus, the bit where he said that he is acting like he doesn’t want to be there & that’s because he doesn’t. I know that my son can be a handful at his mum’s & I will never condone bad behavior, but he is as good as gold for me. He has seen his mother lie to him, sell his PS4 games, move a guy in who everyone is saying is on Heroin & crack cocaine. His cat was killed by this guy’s dog & my ex lied about it to him for 2 weeks. She smokes cannabis in front of him then complains that she has no money. She never takes him any where & rarely buys him any clothes. My Son is bound to be feeling very upset & pushed out & that is going to come out in his behavior. I have spoken to school who said that he is a very good, kind & caring student. Anyway, after this text I simply replied with “I shall organize mediation & contact my solicitor”. My ex immediately phoned up begging me not to contact mediation & she would do anything. She also accused me of wanting to take her child away from her & that I am loving all of this. I simply ignored her & said that maybe just maybe she should look at her part in this instead of blaming me as all I am doing is looking out for my son & keeping him safe.

After this I was feeling very shaken up & I contacted Family lives who said I should go for full custody as all of this sounds very upsetting & unhealthy for my son. She also said that she can tell that I am doing this for my son’s welfare & nothing else which I found comforting. I had some more advise from someone who has been in a similar situation who advised me to write up a Parental plan & get my ex to sign it. I did this last week & said that I was only allowing evening visits for my son at her house while this guy is living there & I was also going to stop the payment of utility bills as I needed that money to provide for my son as he is now staying with me 7 nights. I had also contacted Child maintenance service who emailed me with a lovely email confirming that child maintenance should be paid to me & not by me & I should also look into claiming child benefit for the upkeep of my son. I had a meeting with a teacher at my Son’s school who I explained the situation to & that I was now the main contact. I have also been advised to change my son’s GP.

I posted the Parental Plan, the notice that I shall be stopping all maintenance, details of all the utility accounts & the email from Child Maintenance Service. I spoke to my ex yesterday as she had cancelled seeing my son in favor of helping her boyfriend’s family. This type of stuff further upsets my Son, but he said he was glad in a way because he didn’t want to go there. She cancelled on him last week as she said she had nothing in for him which further worried me more. I have still been having reports that drug dealers are visiting the house so it is clear where all the money must be going. My ex pleaded with me yesterday not to take her to court & I said that isn’t going to happen. I just need to keep my son safe & it is better for him to be with me. She said she does understand this & she is not going to resist as she knows he is safe & provided for with me.

Last Sunday my son had an accident & needed stitches in his leg. I phoned his mum to tell her & the first thing she said was “you’re not going to tell the hospital that he isn’t living with me are you”. We were in A & E for 7 hours & she couldn’t come to see him & her excuse was that it was because me & her had been arguing which we hadn’t. We had been discussing things on the phone & I would have gladly picked her up & took her to see him. My Son is noticing all of this & it saddens him. She was more concerned a few weeks ago when her boyfriend was having an op than more about her own son. My son mentioned this to me & it must be so upsetting for a 12 year old.

It is all really sad to be honest & I get a feeling that this guy is taking advantage of my ex’s vulnerability but there’s not much I can do about it. It is a very unhealthy relationship between both of them but she must feel wanted & loved by this guy & cannot see that he is trying to control her. It appears that they are downsizing from a 3 bed to a 2 bed & I fear that this is going to further isolate my ex. Last week I heard that there was arguing & shouting from the house & he was calling her stupid. Just more reason why I need to keep my son away. She promised my son his pocket money that she used to give him & said that she had transferred it to my bank but it never arrived which I didn't think it would. So more indication that she is struggling for money & more lie's to my son & let downs.

I have already treated my Son to a new wardrobe & I shall be doing this each month with the money that I was giving my ex that wasn’t going on my son. I am going to claim child benefit & use this for my son’s school meals & a bit of spending money after school.

Sorry for the rant but I thought I would give an update as everything appears to be going in the right direction. Thank you for all your help, its massively appreciated.

OP posts:

nomoreclue · 11/11/2019 15:03

Well done for doing the right thing. She’s obviously a drug addict? Your son can’t be around that stuff. That guy is no good. Go for full custody and stop all the money. Keep in touch with the solicitors and social services and do what they advise. Make sure you have all of his documents. His safety comes first. She’s obviously a very mixed up woman. You don’t have to explain on here where you’re spending the extra benefits. You also don’t need to buy him a new wardrobe every month. That’s probably not needed. Kids cost money in bills and food and upkeep so make sure you keep some aside for unexpected emergencies.

Mamato · 11/11/2019 15:28

Well done. You sound like a top dad! Im so happy that your son has you to look after him.

user1481840227 · 11/11/2019 15:55

Well done OP.
Your son is very lucky to have you.

It's great that you are getting the formalities all sorted. It's very stressful dealing with a 'co-parent' who is causing damage or risk to your child, and it will be a relief for you to be able to detach somewhat from worrying about what's going on with her and in that house and focus on you and your son!

Once she has signed the parental agreement, do you think you could offer supervised access or access at your home?
I wouldn't let my child go to a house with drug dealers coming and going if you are able to stop it. it's not worth the risk.
That's if your son wants to see her of course.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 12/11/2019 09:36

@nomoreclue

I am not sure what drugs she is on but I am certain she is on something. The worrying thing is that she is struggling for money due to it I think. Yeah she is very unwell I think mentally but I have tried to help her. There is only so much I can do & I can no longer getting involved with her. The wardrobe thing is just until he has got enough clothes at my house as his mother wasn't buying many clothes for a long time. I have managed to keep a bit of money saved for any emergencies. He goes through trainers & shoes quite often as most kids do I think. Plus he is getting to that age where he is eating all sorts & growing in size over night :)

OP posts:

Adsy1988 · 12/11/2019 10:05

I remember your previous thread OP, I'm glad that you are putting your son first and have stopped all the payments to his Mum. Such a terrible situation to be in. I wish you both well.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/11/2019 10:17

Is he the only child she had living with her? If so then losing him will have a really big impact on the benefits they were entitled to. She wont want him to have moved out officially.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/11/2019 10:28

Hi OP

Can you make sure that your son knows it's not him, it's her? I know the advice is not to bad mouth the other parent, but that often leaves a child feeling like it's their fault when a parent rejects them. Parents are supposed to put their children first, and it can be devastating emotionally and psychologically when they don't. So he has to know it's because she's got mental health issues/addiction problems/terrible self esteem/ wasn't cared for as a child herself - whatever the case might be, and not that it's anything your son did or didn't do. He should have a loving and supportive mother as well as a loving and supportive father and it's not his fault in any way that his mother is incapable. Just make sure he knows it's not him, it's her. In the most neutral non blaming unbitchy way you can. Because he loves her.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 12/11/2019 11:17

@Apileofballyhoo

Thanks for bringing this up. Over the years I have done a lot of work on my own issues which led me to researching a lot of self help topics including relationships & childhood trauma. Thankfully this has helped me a great deal with bringing up my son.

On many occasions we have had a really good talk. Generally this is how I try to explain things to him...…….

I understand how this must make you feel, the situation with your Mum. Your mum loves you dearly but she is just going through a bad time at the moment. She has told you about her childhood & how difficult it was & I think this is why she is having these difficult times now. Sometimes we go through things has children that really effect us when we are adults. Your mum has various issues that she tries to deal with in her own way but unfortunately sometimes her way is not the best way for you. That is why I am trying to make sure you are safe & protected. None of this is your fault. You are not to blame for any of this. I know sometimes you think that your mum doesn't love you but she really does she has just made some very bad decisions recently. I am here for you & I am not going anywhere. When ever you need to talk you know that I am here no matter what you want to talk about. I know these are very difficult times for you & I am extremely proud of how you are handling it. These difficulties that you are facing will make you a very strong person when you get older.

He says he hates his mum & I can understand how he must feel. It is a lot for him to understand at still an early age. I try to explain that he should not hate his mum & instead dislike the decisions she has made & try not to resent her as some of her actions are from learned behaviour from childhood. She is a compulsive liar & he knows this. I have tried to explain that her lying was probably a defensive mechanism that she learned from been a child & trying to avoid conflict with her mum who wasn't a nice lady as I have learned.

He seems to be very switched on & I think it helps that they study Personal and Social Development at School.

I just hope I do not confuse him with anything but so far he seems to be dealing with it all ok & doesn't appear to blame himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

malgrat78 · 12/11/2019 11:34

@TinklyLittleLaugh

Is he the only child she had living with her? If so then losing him will have a really big impact on the benefits they were entitled to. She wont want him to have moved out officially

Yes he is & I think this is a big reason why she was trying to hold on to him. This is why on several occasions she has mentioned whether I will be telling people he is now living with me. It will effect her child benefit, housing allowance & maybe her universal credit. She will basically be living as a single person. This is one reason I had to get him away as I don't believe any of the money that she was getting for him was actually going on his upkeep.

OP posts:

AFairlyHardAvocado · 12/11/2019 11:48

You sound like a great dad OP and the way you describe explaining the situation to DS is perfect I think. Definitely keep school and doctor posted so that you can use all services possible to support him. Glad to hear he's in a safe situation now

Middersweekly · 12/11/2019 12:03

Well done OP! You have done the right thing and now your money is being spent on your son which you had intended it to be. Your Ex’s relationship with her abusive boyfriend shouldn’t be your concern. She made the choice to move him in. Take care of your son and yourself. He will feel happy and more stable from here on in. In a few years he will be able to decide for himself if he wants to make time for his mother.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 12/11/2019 12:12

He’s so lucky to have you!! You are doing an amazing job

RavenLG · 12/11/2019 12:14

You're doing brilliantly OP, I remember your previous post and the thing that shines through on both post is how you just want your son to feel safe and happy. And that is the best thing a parent can do .

Once the situation has settled down perhaps look into some counselling for your son so he has an impartial party to reflect with and who can give him coping strategies when he does visit etc. It could be really worthwhile for him and like you say, solidify that it's not him, it's her.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 12/11/2019 13:49

@Middersweekly

Thank you. For some reason is unable or more than likely unwilling, to accept that the major problems started when she moved this guy in. Plenty of family & friends have discussed this with her but she appears to think that there is no issue. Anyway, I am past the point of trying to get her to see. I am just concentrating on keeping my son away from that toxic environment. As you say once he is older he can make then decide whether to have a relationship with his mum & to what extent.

OP posts:

ShadowOnTheSun · 12/11/2019 14:18

You sound like a great dad and a lovely person, OP, best of luck to you both!

Apileofballyhoo · 12/11/2019 14:34

Well done OP. It's good that he "hates" her - he's expressing his anger and you're allowing him to do that. It wouldn't do any harm to show that the situation makes you very sad so he knows it's ok to be sad too. He's so lucky he has you. Don't excuse everything down to her bad childhood either - my mother did that with me about my father's bad childhood and I felt I wasn't allowed be angry or upset because he was a victim and I was so much better off than he was at my age... But really when he was being an arsehole his behaviour was wrong and there was no excuse if you see what I mean.

I honestly think in your case though that your DS will be so much stronger for living safely with you. I wish my mother had done that.

It's a very difficult thing to get right when explaining things to a child. I rightly messed up the other day with my own DS when I was upset.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 12/11/2019 14:58

@Apileofballyhoo

Thank you. Yeah I have explained to him that his mum's childhood hasn't help but I have also explained that she is still an adult & at some point we have to stop blaming our past. He does understand this. In fact he appears to have a better grasp on life & what healthy relationships look like more than his mother does.

I honestly think in your case though that your DS will be so much stronger for living safely with you. I wish my mother had done that

He seems to enjoy living with me & we have very little conflict unlike at his mum's where there was forever negativity.

It's a very difficult thing to get right when explaining things to a child. I rightly messed up the other day with my own DS when I was upset

It is very difficult & we all get it wrong sometimes. As long as we are aware of this & apologies where needed. It's all part of the process :)

OP posts:

Dullardmullard · 12/11/2019 15:03

Im sure if she refuses mediation the next steps are court.

be careful of her though as most drug user can be unpredictable and may go back on her word. She may also become aggressive with you or worse her son.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 12/11/2019 15:11

Im sure if she refuses mediation the next steps are court

This is correct but I have to arrange it then give her the option to attend. If she doesn't attend then the mediator issues me with a form that I then present at court. I could go down this route, however knowing my ex I am confident that she will not offer any resistance. If she does then I shall immediately arrange mediation.

be careful of her though as most drug user can be unpredictable and may go back on her word. She may also become aggressive with you or worse her son

Yeah I am been mindful of this thanks & also her boyfriend who I am more concerned about as he is on the methadone treatment plan but I suspect that he has not stuck to this which could make him even more unpredictable.

OP posts:

elmosducks · 12/11/2019 16:34

Well done. Your son is so lucky to have such a thoughtful and caring parent

Heartburn888 · 12/11/2019 20:04

I remember reading your original post, so happy for you and your son.

Patroclus · 13/11/2019 02:10

I would really find out what you can about the drugs. Crack users are an absolute bloody nightmare to be round their mad behaviour and everything dissappearing sold, then the debts. The people coming to the house, I would suspect its the other way around and they're there to buy

Original poster

malgrat78 · 13/11/2019 09:05

@Patroclus

Funny you should say this. My son went to see his mum last night for the allowed 2 hours. He said his TV has gone, apparently the dog broke it! Then his mum started crying so he asked why & she said because she was in bad debt because of an Argos card. I don't believe a word she says anymore. It is all fabricated.

OP posts:

Scott72 · 13/11/2019 09:10

She's too far gone for you to help her, the best thing is get your son away from her. I'd be worried about her or her deadbeat boyfriend making false accusations to try and extort more money out of you. You need the services of a good lawyer here.

sue51 · 13/11/2019 09:20

Full custody is the best option. I'm glad he is away from the toxic atmosphere at his mother's home. Do try to keep him away from his mum till she sorts her life out and hopefully ditches the boyfriend. Go for maintenance from her, your boy deserves it.

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