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Original poster

Separate before or after Christmas?

88 replies

LucyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 13:12

I have decided I need to separate from my dp.

I don’t know whether it is better to do this before or after Christmas I have children over the age of 10.
Sorry to be vague but my partner has hacked my mumsnet before and doesn’t like me on it.

For context my my reasons for this are they have previous form for being a cocklodger and used to get moody with me (not so much now I’ve called them on it). They won’t go to counselling and I can’t forgive their past behaviour no violence but multiple small things that have added up (even tho improved the last few years).

I am a people pleaser and like to keep the peace so have not taken this decision lightly and I have found it hard to be strong enough mentally.

Day to day we are okay like people who house share really no arguments but not much else.

Do I suck it up and give my kids another Christmas as a family (it will be okay we will be with a large group of people) but risk wobbling and not seeing this through or do it now and upset their Christmas and potentially put a shadow over their future Christmas?

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 07/11/2019 16:12

I think if you have the courage and you know its what you want, do it. I've been at the point of nearly doing it and wobbled. I imagine you have too several times before. To get where you are, even though you know it is right, is still bloody tough and so easy to get out of that headspace and lose courage, then convince yourself it isn't so bad... then you decide you have to stick it out until X's birthday, or such and such a trip....

We've got what? 6 or 7 weeks until Christmas. Will he be amicable? If not would Christmas actually force him to be and thus set a precedent for the future and allow the dust to settle a bit whilst you both work together over the holiday period to show the children you can still all enjoy it together? Things to consider. But the step you want to take involves huge strength and courage and I think if you're there mentally, do it. Good luck whichever you decide.

Original poster
LucyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 16:51

Thank you for your reply.
It has taken me more then a year to get to this point-as you say birthdays, holidays etc!
I don’t know if they will be amicable I have been told before if we split they will be moving hours away...
Can I ask from what you’ve said are you in a similar place that I am wanting to split but finding it hard to action it?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 07/11/2019 16:56

I think it's better to get out sooner rather than later but only you know your DC and how that will pan out. What will they expect to do regarding seeing the DC at Christmas? Will that work for you and for the DC?

If you delay until after Christmas and struggle to commit to it then come back here and you'll get the support you need then.

RoseMartha · 07/11/2019 16:58

Sending 🤗 it took a long time for me to tell h it was over due to his behaviour. I struggled with it for a few years.

You will know when it is right. It is hard and the road is hard also but there comes a point when it is the only road to take and only you know when that time is. 🤗🤗

gamerchick · 07/11/2019 16:58

Since you've deliberately hidden the genders. Are we to assume that it'll be you doing the leaving?

Personally I don't believe in dragging stuff out. Why make their last Christmas together a lie?

Original poster
LucyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 17:13

Thank you for your replies, I don’t know how to tag? gamer chick no I won’t be leaving, I don’t suppose it matters to much I’m female, male partner- sorry trying to be vague as don’t want to be identified.
You are right though about living a lie. I’m trying to unrealistically to cause as little upset as I can.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/11/2019 17:16

There will always be a reason not to do it. Christmas, then holidays, Easter, birthdays, the list goes on. Tbh if your mind is made up then I'd do it beforehand... if you're having a big family do and it's your family then you and the dc will spend Christmas with family which is good

loveyoutothemoon · 07/11/2019 17:21

Is he the father to your kids?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2019 17:22

If you've finally got to the point where you're ready to do it, just do it.

Otherwise you might lose your momentum and then it'll always be after a certain milestone... if he's already said he'll move far away if you split up, that hopefully makes life easier for you!

You and DC stay put and he can go where he likes. Good luck.

theboxfamilytree · 07/11/2019 17:23

If you're ready to do it, get it done.

Needsomebottle · 07/11/2019 17:40

@LucyLovesCheese yes, I'm in a similar position. Though at the moment am giving it one last throw of the dice, having come close to calling it a day but never quite got there. That's why I think if you're resolute, it's so hard to reach that, that I would just do it.

What is your argument for staying together over christmas? Is it to give HIM one more Christmas where he feels he has a complete family or is it for the kids?

Believe me, I got close around this time last year and convinced myself I was being kind to him and the kids by sticking it out, so I get it and am not criticising at all. I think in reality I was making excuses. And probably still am. I haven't quite got the courage to go "what I want has to be most important as if I'm happy the children will be happy". If that's something that is stopping you the words of MN'ers will support you. From those who have been through it.

Needsomebottle · 07/11/2019 17:43

Not suggesting I am more important than anyone else... I guess what I'm saying is if you KNOW you can't ever be happy with him again then yes, do it. It's kind of unkind to drag it out. You split and most likely, one day everyone will be happy again. You stay together and pretend and everyone else in your family may be happy (if you are good at keeping up the pretence) but you never can be.

Easier said than done but one of the thoughts that rolls round my head.

Would he agree to stay together over christmas whilst you sort things and show a United front? Or would it just not be that amicable?

EnglishRain · 07/11/2019 18:11

My dad left on 3rd December when I was 13. I was distraught initially, but I was pleased that we had our first xmas without dad so soon. It was one of those firsts to get over, and it wasn't a bad Christmas, it was more relaxed. I don't know if experience from my perspective helps, but in your shoes I would do it now. There is time for the dust to settle before Xmas. Just rip that plaster off. You don't want rows at xmas or a break up early January and your children worrying it's all been a lie for so long etc.

Original poster
LucyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 18:18

Thank you for replies it really helps, I thought everyone would say I’m being selfish and not considering the kids.
My biggest worry is whether they will be okay and forgive me for doing this.
He is the kids Father.
I don’t really know how he will react, I think he will either pack and go or ignore it.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 07/11/2019 19:14

Could you cope until after Christmas? If you can, wait.

Original poster
LucyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 19:17

Thank you English Rain that really does help.
One of my children I think will be okay (unfortunately doesn’t have a good relationship with their dad) it’s the others I really worry about.

OP posts:
Kerry197878 · 07/11/2019 19:21

I was in the same position and I got Xmas out of the way .. come January the 5th I started the process of ending my relationship .. it depends on your partner I new mine would start in a negative way .. stalking and nasty texting so I waited as I couldn't cope with that and Xmas

Original poster
LucyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 19:26

Love you to the moon I can cope so could wait out Christmas especially as I’m going to family but if I wait I may not be as strong as I feel now selfish I know

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 07/11/2019 19:53

I'd be concerned that the DCs will know full well that there is not a happy relationship between their parents and will feel the tension and any unpleasant atmosphere and hear any snipey comments.
Better to get it done, if you are set on it.
Especially as you have said you might bottle it.
The DCs aren't going to like it whenever you do it, but will probably be relieved when it is done.
Dr Phil said better to be from a broken home than to be living in one.

Tigger83 · 07/11/2019 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tigger83 · 07/11/2019 20:36

Sorry sorry wrong thread please could someone report as my delete button is missing!!!!

Tigger83 · 07/11/2019 20:37

Sorry sorry wrong thread please could someone report as my delete button is missing!!!!

MNHQ
EstherMumsnet · 07/11/2019 20:52

Don't worry @Tigger83 - we've all done it.

Honeyroar · 07/11/2019 22:45

He sounds pretty controlling if you have to limit what you say on Mumsnet because he doesn't like it/has hacked it before, so if you're feeling strong enough, then I'd say do it sooner rather than later. There's a good few weeks until Xmas, so hopefully time for things to settle down a bit and to organise how things are going to be?

Have you discussed it with your friends and family?

AgentJohnson · 08/11/2019 03:47

The timing of the breakup isn’t the problem, the likelihood of you not following through, is.