Separate before or after Christmas?

[LucyLovesCheese]

I have decided I need to separate from my dp.

I don’t know whether it is better to do this before or after Christmas I have children over the age of 10.
Sorry to be vague but my partner has hacked my mumsnet before and doesn’t like me on it.

For context my my reasons for this are they have previous form for being a cocklodger and used to get moody with me (not so much now I’ve called them on it). They won’t go to counselling and I can’t forgive their past behaviour no violence but multiple small things that have added up (even tho improved the last few years).

I am a people pleaser and like to keep the peace so have not taken this decision lightly and I have found it hard to be strong enough mentally.

Day to day we are okay like people who house share really no arguments but not much else.

Do I suck it up and give my kids another Christmas as a family (it will be okay we will be with a large group of people) but risk wobbling and not seeing this through or do it now and upset their Christmas and potentially put a shadow over their future Christmas?

Another child of parents who split - I had just left home - we had a last Christmas together and I felt later it just highlighted how my parents had been pretending to be happy. I'd have preferred them to sort it out in time to have new arrangements, in hindsight I think I thought they were being lazy.

Lucylovescheese I'm in the same position as you and agonising over Xmas and also D1s A levels next year but like you I know I can't ever be happy with DP - too much low level dissatisfaction that has gone on for years. If you have the drive and feel you are at the point to seize the moment I think it would be good to do it. Like you, I'm not sure if DP will just go or just present me with a load of problems/delay about where he will go and how he will afford it. Im at maximum capacity in terms of life and work and don't want to have to troubleshoot any more problems! I'm teetering on the edge but it feels like pushing a button on something that is entirely for my own long term happiness and I don't know what the impact of it will be on everyone else!

Hi really need some more advice, things have moved on a bit had a chat in the end agreed to
Counselling.
I think this will help repair/ end things.
Trouble is as soon as this is agreed my dh has made it clear that the reason they will go as there is no other option and I don’t think they will engage with it.
The atmosphere at home isn’t the best in my opinion so I am back to thinking separate.
Now I’m back to the original question is three weeks before Christmas to late to separate? Or plough on till January???

I think when you get to the point of wanting/needing to leave you have to go with it. Scheduling it will put an enormous strain on you which your children will probably pick up on. There will never a good time to do it, there will always be some reason or other and you can't help other people's upset or fury about it. I found that a calm home, routine and keeping my child aware of what was going on without too much detail helped her deal with it. She knew I wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't great but as an adult she can now see that it was for the best.

You can always see it as having a break and go to the counselling with him to cushion the blow. Lots of people around at Christmas may provide a welcome distraction for the kids.

What would it practically / logistically involve? Would it be immediate and swift? Does he have somewhere he could go to locally immediately - would he just leave with a few bags?

Or will he need to find somewhere to live and have a lot of furniture etc to move?

What would you do on Xmas day if you separated?

Thanks for the replies.
Kitty I think it would be swift he has somewhere to go so probably a week.
If previous threats are to go by he will be going several hours away to the area he was born, quitting his job.
Christmas Day I’m having a big family Christmas (my family) but would be happy to share the time obviously.
This is all assumptions though he could decide to stay in the house and I won’t be able to do anything about it!

I would end it now and not wait until after Christmas.

@LucyLovesCheese I'll go against what others have said and say that I would wait until after Xmas, I was in the same position as you last year and waited until end of December (not much after, it was weighing on me too much) and considering the strain and emotions after I'm glad I didn't do it before Christmas because I think it would have been much messier. We've now had a year to adjust, kids included, and no one is dreading Xmas, we get on well enough to spend Xmas day with our children together amicably despite so really crappy stuff going on this last year. If you're clear in your decision I believe that clarity will still be there after Christmas

Thank you it’s good to have another perspective.
What bothers me is the atmosphere... if we were okay I would probably be tempted to wait it out.
Really don’t know what’s for the best 😭

Well I had many unhappy Christmases as a child and honestly your DC will know there is something wrong. It is better to split than to have your DC forever remember the Christmas just before the split.

Also, you have already backed down and conceded to him and yet now you are in a worse position and want to split - which you should have done a few weeks ago. If you back down and compromise with him again, you could end up walking out on Christmas Eve. So do it now, not later.

Are you married? Are they his children? What is the status of your home - owned / rented / in who’s names?

Could he go visiting his family for a few weeks before Xmas to give you both some breathing space and then come back for Xmas day - then make it official or would that be worse for you all?

Do your family that you are hosting know the RS is in trouble - is this a facade that is too much to endure?

I was also in this position before Christmas. I also knew we would have ti live together for a while afterwards. I waited. I hated that Christmas myself as I had zero motivation for anything and just went through the motions. However the DCs didn't notice anything. I ended it soon after and saw a solicitor early in January.

Given how strained it was afterwards and how I just didn't want to be around ex although he clearly didn't share this feeling and just carried on as normal with no effort to try and be elsewhere, I'm glad I waited as it would have been awful.

Well I'm a year down the line and I am in exactly the same place, I don't know whats wrong with me?
Nothings changed, no joint counselling has happened, another year has gone and I feel panicked at the thought of another new year in limbo.
How do people rip off the plaster and get it done?
I now have a better job, savings practically I'm okay so how do I kick myself into gear instead ofsleepwalking through my life?
any advice would be very welcomed!

Lucy, you're brave to come back and update. Thank you.

It's struck me that perhaps the reason you are still there is that things aren't "bad enough." Not that they aren't really, but even though there are a lot of reasons that add up to wanting to separate, there hasn't (yet) been the one big bad thing that would propel you into action. All those issues that are wrong are simmering in a pot. It hasn't boiled over because you're watching it so carefully, but you know if you turn away for just a second it could. Maybe the inertia is caused by the fear of what might happen if you act.

All of this is familiar and has become normal to you. You don't want to live this way, but I imagine you're afraid to let go. I could see the anxiety and stress of deciding whether or not to step away from all of this would cause. As a parent, your love and concern are very apparent. Maybe you're making sure nothing boils over in your children's lives, so you stay, waiting for things to get better.

That's commendable, but it's no way to live. He doesn't want joint counseling and you're right, it's useless if he won't even make an attempt.

Instead, find someone to have individual counseling. Even during lockdown there are online and telephone sessions available. It's so important to have an objective person to listen, to help you sort through and identify the things you need to address first. And most importantly, someone to give you the skills to deal with all of this. Whether you choose to continue or to end your relationship, it would help tremendously to have someone to guide you through the steps you'll need to take, whatever you decide. And if it's to stay together now with a goal of separation in the future, you'll have guidance to help get you through that safely and with the least harm to any of you.

I hope you find a way through soon. Maybe think about what you want your life to look like in a year and work backwards to figure out the steps to get you there. And again, please talk to someone. It was the best thing I ever did.

beenwhereyouare thank you for your post.
The boiling pot really resonated with me you are probably right I am looking for a big thing to give me a good reason.
I have counselling available through my work I'm waiting for.
I know I need to just do it but finding it impossible- I dont know what it will take for me get there.

I'm exactly the same as you, @LucyLovesCheese just keeping a lid on the absolute fury caused by lots of small things, but waiting for that one big thing that makes you feel justified to say, "that's it, we're done." I'm really sad reading your posts from last year and now seeing that you're in the same position. I'm like this. I've got too much of a capacity for shit, I just take it all and carry on, which is my biggest fault!
I reached the point where I needed to go to counselling almost two years ago, after years before that feeling so unhappy and unsatisfied with almost all aspects of my marriage. After that first session I felt like I was walking on air and that I was strong enough (and justified enough) to tell him how I felt and that my feelings counted. But I just lost momentum and ended up going to a few more sessions before I could tell him how unhappy I was, then we went to counselling together. My plan was to use that session to get everything out and tell him I wanted to end it, but I totally bottled it and couldn't say what I wanted to say. That session was exactly a year ago. So, I know how hard it is. It's so hard to get the words out, even though I feel that I have said enough, I think I have to spell it out. He's just ignoring everything, either because he doesn't get that I really mean it, or he's burying his head in the sand hoping it will all just go away. So, I've got no advice really, but I wanted you to know it's no failure to still be where you were a year ago. It's really really difficult X

Thank you waking up. I feel both weak and angry with myself, I can't remember the last time I felt happy.
All I want is just me and my children together in our own home, i've no interest in having another relationship just my kids, animals and me.
Do you think you will get your momentum back?

Can you make a room in the house your bedsit?
I put 1 dc with another. Bought a single bed and small cooker. Moved into box room. Withdrew myself from routine. Stopped cooking for all, stopped washing for all. Gradually stopped shopping for all. this was autumn. I would leave my bill money on table. Avoided the sitting room. Did mine and my dd's laundry and cooking before they all got back from school/work. Did one last Xmas dinner. By January I booked solicitors appoint. Moved out in spring. Was divorced in October.
So I was clear in my intent but around for a few months.

For anyone who is interested nearly two years down the line I’ve finally done it and we’ve agreed to separate- no big drama I just blurted it out.
Now I need to figure out how to physically separate as both quite low earners but I feel much lighter already any advice on how to get separate places when don’t have much cash? Currently in a rental which I’m hoping to take over x

@LucyLovesCheese

Sometimes it's a 'dealbreaker' action by your partner, and the words you're longing to say get shouted out, and sometimes it's just an 'unguarded' moment when the words just tumble out when you least expect it.........

There is no 'right' way to say you want to split up.

There is no 'right' time do do it either.

If things were simply 'ticking over' at home and you were struggling to voice your decision because there were no 'awkward' times or fights, then I'd maybe be thinking the same way you are. i.e Would it be better to wait until after Xmas.

But that's not what you've described in your posts.

You've intimated the atmosphere is tense/awkward/uncomfortable, which means that you're all suffering.
Because of that, I'd suggest ending the suffering sooner rather than later, because prolonging it really isn't helping anyone at all, least of all your children.

I really think they'd rather have a 'different' Xmas to their 'usual', i.e one without the tenseness and stress, without the awkwardness and undercurrents of resentment/anger/shame/blame/fear etc etc

Would anyone in the family actually 'gain' anything from yet another 'pretend' Xmas ?

Sorry @LucyLovesCheese , I didn't notice that your post was from last year !

However I am happy to hear that you've 'taken the leap' and voiced what you want, well done !

Not much advice about how to get alternative housing except to say that rentals seem easy to get at the moment, he'll just need to have a deposit plus a month up front and for him to look for a 'furnished' rental as the furniture etc will need to stay with the kids.

Wow so if you ended it you really think he would up and leave within a week? I would def end it sooner rather than later. At least he will know: remember he doesn’t HAVE to go anywhere though - he may decide he wants to stay in the house until after Christmas. But either way you r told him. Then kids should be told. Even if he is still in the house at lease adjustments can start to be made. But in any event if it’s not too nasty I think he could always come and stay over Christmas Eve so you can all spend Christmas together still. Lots of people I know did that the first xmas after separation and some do it every Xmas (maybe not staying over but together for the day). If that is what you decide to do and the kids want it

My point being, spending xmas day together one last time shouldn’t be the deciding factor

Just read full thread - sorry - ignore my previous comments …..

Sooner rather than later. If you leave it but have made up your mind to go, what will likely happen - 2 weeks before Christmas so timed for maximum devastation - will be something small will push you over the edge, an almighty row will happen and you'll split anyway.