Separate before or after Christmas?

[LucyLovesCheese]

I have decided I need to separate from my dp.

I don’t know whether it is better to do this before or after Christmas I have children over the age of 10.
Sorry to be vague but my partner has hacked my mumsnet before and doesn’t like me on it.

For context my my reasons for this are they have previous form for being a cocklodger and used to get moody with me (not so much now I’ve called them on it). They won’t go to counselling and I can’t forgive their past behaviour no violence but multiple small things that have added up (even tho improved the last few years).

I am a people pleaser and like to keep the peace so have not taken this decision lightly and I have found it hard to be strong enough mentally.

Day to day we are okay like people who house share really no arguments but not much else.

Do I suck it up and give my kids another Christmas as a family (it will be okay we will be with a large group of people) but risk wobbling and not seeing this through or do it now and upset their Christmas and potentially put a shadow over their future Christmas?

Do it now. I wavered for years. I felt strong enough, then didn’t follow through, over and over.

Make the split, then give your children a wonderful, chilled, relaxed and happy Christmas filled with magic and lights and laughter.

They’re old enough to get it. And the one he doesn’t treat well will thank you for it.

Go and live your best life, right now. Life’s a precarious thing - don’t hesitate. Xx

He needs to move out op, and the children need to be told.
This last bit is the final hurdle, once he is out it is over and you can move on. You have been locked in a very negative situation for years it really is time. Yes you are unused to be on your own, but you will be fine, there is never going to be a 'perfect' time to leave, you will never have enough money nor everything lined up. It all has to be good enough, and you will find a way. You have support, you are stronger than you think.

He needs to move out this weekend, and let you live your life again.

In regards to finances have you looked to see if you'd be entitled to UC once seperated? You should be able to apply living under one roof, but you'd need to be living seperate lives, no joint bank accounts, no cooking or washing etc for each other, family and friends would have to know, probably children too if they're older. If you would qualify if officially seperated that would improve the financial position at least.

@LucyLovesCheese I've done exactly the same as you. Told dh on 23rd Nov 2019 that we would never have a physical relationship again, we are no more than friends, and that I cannot carry on this way. Here I am at another Christmas still no further forward. I'm glad that you have actually started the ball rolling though, well done!

I'm just like you, I try to do what I think is best for everyone else and struggle on myself. I spoke to my gp the other day and she pretty much said for gods sake do something about this now or you'll go round in circles forever. She's right.

And definitely look into UC. I did, and it seems to work out quite well. All I want is to stay in the house, keep the kids settled, and for him to go off and be happy with someone else. People do this all the time, but I seem to be paralysed with fear that I'm not allowed to do it, for some reason. I want to say to him, let's get Christmas and kids birthdays out of the way and separate in the new year. I feel like I'll never get the words out. Keep the momentum

Thank you all for your comments it really helps.
I’ve looked into UC I am entitled to it and when we tell the kids I’ll apply for it ASAP.
I need to keep some momentum going unfortunately I can’t make him leave.
Do you think you’ll get there 19bears? X

I told the children, went better then I thought so was a relief!
Need to carry on pushing forward now.
Thank you everyone for your comments it's helped.

That is great!! It's nearly always the thought of it that's more scary than actually doing it. Please please send me the strength to do it too!!! I'm so please for you x

Please do not move out of your council house. A council house is like winning the lottery, don’t leave it lightly. If you have been together since you were very young you will have no idea of the horrors and expense of private renting and no fault eviction. If you are the main carer for the children; work that fits in with school, organising their activities, buying their clothes, booking appointments for doctors and dentists ad infinitum, then you should be the one to stay in the family home. Do not save up your money and meekly leave with the children because he’s hoping that by not doing anything, you won’t leave.
I left with three children and two suitcases, and it took seven years and five evictions before we got a council house. It was brutal.
If expenses are shared equally, then it makes sense to contribute to his deposit, and you will be getting by far the better deal by keeping the council house and the children their home.
Even if expenses aren’t shared, it might be the only way to get him out if he’s dragging his feet. Keep moving it forward, you’ll get there.

Thank you, don't worry I'm not leaving the house- no way! I'll help scrape together a deposit but that's it ( I have privately rented before so i know it's a minefield!)
Sending you strength 19bears I just re-read all the advice given and told the kids we needed to talk- then I couldn't get out of it!
I'm sure I will look back and be cross about all the time wasted ! You really just need 20 seconds of bravery xx

Gawd, I know @LucyLovesCheese !!! Twenty seconds to say the words! I've wasted so much time and so many opportunities, given up good things for this half life, it's got to stop x

19Bears you can do this, I'm routing for you!
This is your one and only life start living it in a way that makes you happy.
20 seconds ....
(Stolen from we brought a zoo )

Hi just a mini update, Christmas was lovely, the children enjoyed themselves and took the situation in their stride.
For anyone struggling with telling their children I'm glad I did it we've had our share of issues over the last few years and mental health struggles and it would of been so easy to not tell them but now everything's in the open we can work through our next steps.
For the first time in a long time I'm forward to staring a new year instead of looking back in with regrets.

Well done @LucyLovesCheese glad you've had a good Christmas and pushed things forward. You were right to tell the DC nothing would have changed until you did.