Separate before or after Christmas?

[LucyLovesCheese]

I have decided I need to separate from my dp.

I don’t know whether it is better to do this before or after Christmas I have children over the age of 10.
Sorry to be vague but my partner has hacked my mumsnet before and doesn’t like me on it.

For context my my reasons for this are they have previous form for being a cocklodger and used to get moody with me (not so much now I’ve called them on it). They won’t go to counselling and I can’t forgive their past behaviour no violence but multiple small things that have added up (even tho improved the last few years).

I am a people pleaser and like to keep the peace so have not taken this decision lightly and I have found it hard to be strong enough mentally.

Day to day we are okay like people who house share really no arguments but not much else.

Do I suck it up and give my kids another Christmas as a family (it will be okay we will be with a large group of people) but risk wobbling and not seeing this through or do it now and upset their Christmas and potentially put a shadow over their future Christmas?

Well done for having the guts to leave. I feel trapped as my partner (not married) is a lovely person and a great father. But I’m just unhappy! I’m seeing a therapist but I’m afraid to face the reality of the situation. I told my partner he thinks it’s depression/peri menopausal and I’ve let him think it rather than hurt him. I’m very jealous of your bravery.

MrsRAF the bravery took a long time to come! Things that helped was talking to friends, looking at motivational quotes on Pinterest (sounds silly I know) and eventually realising nothing will change unless I do something, I hope you find your bravery soon xx

Can't believe I missed the update but well done you! Great news.

The problem is I don’t I will ever do it. I’m 40 now and we’ve been together over 18 years. I can’t remember me without him.

Do it now. Christmas doesn’t matter!

MrsRAF don’t let that scare you- I’m in nearly exactly the same situation ie age and length of relationship- I can only just remember myself without him so that’s why I intend in spending a long time getting to know myself ( sounds cheesy I know) I haven’t lived alone before or been on holiday without him or my parents. I am scared and excited to start this new chapter xx

I hope everyone doesn’t mind me keep coming back to the thread!
To re- cap after years of indecision finally decided to separate from my H and told him, he agreed all good or so I thought as we are now nearly 4 months down the line and we have got nowhere. We rent from council so H said he will move out but nothings happening in that department (it’s like pushing a boulder up a hill) and he doesn’t talk about it.
So now my question or dilemma is I have been invited to family at Christmas-they know we have separated however we haven’t told the kids. I’ve realised I’ve made it awkward now for my family telling them about the separation but not telling the kids. Do I tell the children this close to Christmas what is going on despite nothing really going to change or not?
Pro’s of telling them as far as I can see are I hate Lying to them- it makes me very uncomfortable as I am very open with them and it sits badly with me.
It will give them time to get used to the idea of what’s happening.
Potentially it avoids a very awkward Christmas Day if we decide to have separate Christmasses.
Cons it’s just before Christmas- they are older but I still don’t want to ruin it for them.
Nothing is going to change for a while at least whilst trying to scrape together some money.
Any thoughts welcome my family really thinks I should tell the kids but somethings holding me back, probably as I know once it’s said I will have to deal with the fall out which I’m scared of!

They need to be told and as soon as possible and preferably with both of you present. They likely as well have some idea that things at home are not good and have not been great for a long time; the idea of you separating from each other may be somewhat a relief to them.

Have you as yet commenced divorce proceedings?.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. I would also suggest you get therapy for any and all people pleasing tendencies you have because they are likely to stem from wanting to parent please. Its a state that has and will do you no favours at all.

Thank you for your reply.
I am on a list for some therapy available at work. My family is lovely but my mum and sister are very dominating ie really push their opinions on what they think I should be doing.
I haven’t done anything about starting a divorce as money is very tight so concentrating on saving enough for a deposit for my H to move somewhere else and was going to proceed with a divorce after.
I am a bit concerned about my H’s seeming to bury his head in the sand with regards to everything!

"I am on a list for some therapy available at work. My family is lovely but my mum and sister are very dominating ie really push their opinions on what they think I should be doing".

Your mother and sister seem domineering and that is not what you want or need at this time. I would keep posting here and also find a trusted person outside the family to talk to. The BACP may be of some help to you re counselling and that could be arranged quite swiftly as well.

"I haven’t done anything about starting a divorce as money is very tight so concentrating on saving enough for a deposit for my H to move somewhere else and was going to proceed with a divorce after".

You do not need to save a deposit for him!!!. Writing that makes you sound like his enabler. Stop enabling him. He is an adult with agency and he will manage going forward. Saving money also takes time and this whole process of separating from him is still ongoing all these years later.

I would urge you to see a Solicitor to discuss your situation or at least contact a couple of firms asap. Solicitors busiest month tends to be January and February mainly because people cling onto Christmas for many and varied reasons, not least of all the children. Obtaining legal advice is knowledge and knowledge is power!.

He also seems quite happy to bury his head in the sand so you can be the so called "bad person" here and can go around saying pitifully, "oh she left me" to any fool enough to listen to him. Cut him loose, you do not need such a millstone around your neck and nor for that matter do your children. They've seen more than enough indecision already from you also. Would you want them to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

You need to tell them. Children are not stupid and it is unfair to leave them to worry in the dark.

With respect, I don't think your husband is the only one with his head in the sand. Nothing has actually changed - you said you wanted to separate, he nodded, and then you have carried on as if the conversation never happened. Have you separated your lives in any way? Are you waiting for him to make the separation happen?

If you do not take control of the situation, you will be posting again in another two years to say you still haven't actually exited the relationship. He is not doing anything to leave because he is controlling and has clearly calculated that if he does nothing you will not either and therefore he will get to maintain the status quo.

Have you taken any advice on separation and divorce?

Why are you saving money for a housing deposit for someone who has taken zero steps to secure alternative housing rather than using it to actually move yourself forward with divorce? What makes you think he will magically move out if you save up a sum of money?

If you want the situation to change, you have to change your behaviour.

Obtaining legal advice is knowledge and knowledge is power!

So true.

Thank you both, I’m just a little lost how to do this I’ve been with my H since I was 17 and been together decades so trying to be as amicable as possible but I’m realising it’s probably not going to work like that.
I’m trying to save money to get him out as he is just as entitled to be here as me- didn’t think about what to do if he still doesn’t leave. I have saved a small sum for me and the kids separately.
You are right I need to change my behaviour for things to change- that was part of the reason I thought we should tell the kids as at the moment just doing things as normal as they don’t know, when they know I can stop doing things without having to worry about him getting cross and just telling them.

We’ve just had a disagreement , I’m shaking and hearts beating fast- I never stand up for myself so I did. I don’t know why I’m feeling so panicky he doesn’t shout or anything. What’s wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you. You're reacting like a normal human being who's stepped out of her comfort zone.

Do you want to talk about what happened?

I can’t really, he has hacked my mumsnet before ( a long time ago I suppose) but I’m trying to be as scarce with details as I can so not to be identified.
Very vaguely I asked him twice to do something important- he hasn’t done it and turned it all on me somehow and now he is in a mood.

He remains abusive towards you, this is his way of punishing you for any and all “transgressions” that you make in his head. His abusive treatment of you and in turn your kids means this relationship is well and truly over.

I was not altogether surprised to read that you met him when you were very young, he targeted you here.

What makes you say he is abusive?
Thank you for replying.

Abuse is about power and control. Not violence or "abusive" language. Not being a monster.

He is using classic tactics to control you. That is abuse.

Hacking your internet activity to isolate you from support and perspective on how abnormal your situation is. Blaming you for his behaviour, using manufactured moods to punish you, etc.

I too was not surprised at the age you were at the start.

You do realise that it is not normal behaviour for a partner to hack your online accounts or track your online activity?

If it is safe to do so, look at enrolling on the Freedom Programme course.

Talking to Women's Aid at some point may not hurt either.

Thank you, I know the hacking isn’t normal or okay- I don’t think he would do it again but just being careful.
I will look at the freedom program.
I’m going to suggest telling the kids ASAP and will see what he says.
I feel nervous- I know it’s silly but i am.

You don't need his permission to proceed with exiting the relationship.

It's not silly to be nervous. There's no need to keep putting yourself down.

You must tell your children! It's so unfair on them not doing so. Whatever he says, tell them. If he doesn't want to then you'll have to do it yourself.

Save money for yourself, not your ex!

Thank you for your advice.
I am going to tell the children hopefully they take it okay.
I’m going to look at solicitors
I am going to save money just for myself and the kids.
After that I’m not sure ….

Good for you. Those are big, brave steps. I'd focus on them for now - you don't need to have the whole future planned out.

One step at a time will get you there. You're doing well.