Another relationship is too risky - long term single

[Truthandaspirin]

I am divorced with DC. They have been through a lot of upheaval and I cannot imagine risking putting them through any further big changes. Any relationship, no matter how careful I am, carries a risk as to whether it works out. I might be willing to take that risk if it was just me - but not for my children.

Did anyone else feel like this? Have you chosen to be single for a long time and are content.

Yes. Dd has struggled so badly with her father's behaviour that I would never put her in a position where I prioritised me over her - one parent doing it is more than enough. I am very happily single and our life is lovely, I have no wish to change that for either of us.

Do you ever miss adult company? Not going out socialising, more the every day bit. I do a little. (Not all the time though)
I know that sounds like prioritising my own needs but I also wonder if it would sometimes benefit DC also.

Not at all! The day to day bit is the bit I am most relieved I dont have to do. I have zero interest in discussions around what to watch on tv or what to buy so and so for Christmas.

Urgh this is exactly where I’m at. I chose to leave because he was a twat, they acknowledge that, he has a new woman and there have been various issues around that with the DC, ex lying and gaslighting, so now I feel obligated to be the safe reliable parent and not to have a new partner myself . They are all mid /late teens so not small, but it’s difficult. I feel exH is still exerting control

In most ways I love being single, but occasionally a bit of adult relationship would be good!

Absolutely. My exH was a twat and I wasted years of my life with him. I don't feel inclined to risk messing up my life again now I have finally got out.

I'm also the resident parent for three teenage DC, one with SN. I don't ever want them to feel I don't put them first.

Sometimes I feel I'd like a relationship, but it's the stuff of novels, loving, supportive, thinks I am great etc. not what I would actually get in real life.

I've been single by choice for over 10 years now and I'm happy that way. Yes, sometimes I miss having a man to cuddle up with if I'm upset or someone to share a romantic meal with.....but I don't miss all the other baggage that comes with a relationship. I like my freedom to do what I want, when I want.

I had to give myself a bit of a talking to on this subject earlier today. I have a bit of a crush on a man in my gym and we've talked about meeting for drinks one weekend this month. I suddenly realised that I might be getting myself into something that I don't want to be in. We go for drinks and get along? We kiss? Argh! This is not a road I want to go down. So I will do the mature thing and avoid the gym this week. Because I'm 49 going on 12 and I like being single.

I'm so glad you asked this question OP, I feel very much the same. I was imagining in the future using my child-free Saturday nights for adult activities such as cavorting in bars and meaningless flings, but by God do I never want another relationship! I was always quite good at keeping sex and feelings separate prior to settling down so I'm hoping to revert back to that, and to cut anyone who impinges on my independence or my family life very short shrift!

im OLD and its so grim i dont fancy anyone on there and don't want to waste my time again

It's only occasionally I think I'd like it. It would be very difficult to give up having my own home, bedroom and time alone. But I like company sometimes - really enjoy it.

I suppose I thought that although being with someone else was unimaginable, eventually I might change. But having thought about DC I realise it's unlikely.

I use to think like this but then my sister said what when the kids grow up and leave them you will be all alone and it will probably we too late! Depends if you are happy with it op, if you are then stay single

I’ve chosen to be single long term and now my DC are teenagers I have filled up my life with a dog and my job. I absolutely love this dog so much and it is a very rewarding relationship 😂
I know it’s a bit cliche but in all honest truth, from the company element it is perfect and I have not even thought about meeting anyone for a long time now. I might feel different when no DC at home or they are adults at home.
I also made my bedroom really nice, and the nicer it is the less I would want to share it 😂

XH left 2.5yrs ago for OW. Honestly....l was delighted as I'd been miserable for years and so even though l have only officially been single a short time.... it feels like much much longer as XH had stepped out of family life many years ago.

I am feeling a bit crappy at the moment but that's because I have got a lot going on with ds1 who is autistic.

I certainly don't miss my EX and l definitely don't want him back. I feel pissed off that l have been left to deal with the day to day shite whilst he lives his new lovely life with the OW, but l would never have left my boy's like he did.

I really don't see me in another relationship. My boy's have been through so much and l know ds2 wouldn't cope currently. I can't imagine having to "think" of someone else or consider them in any way.....far too much hassle!!

It's not an either or situation. You, as an adult, can have a relationship/ boy-friend/bit of fun that doesn't need to involve your children. Don't buy into the relationship ladder.

I've been separated from my children's father for 6.5 years, had a boyfriend for 4 of those. No intention of ever living with him whilst I still have children at home. My youngest is now 13. They know about him, we have all spent time together. Not regularly or to a schedule, just when 'things' happen. No drama, no blending just living life.

It's bloody great. Honestly just be open to the options.

Yep I think friends with benefits or casual boyfriends are the way forward for me! I'm about to give birth (doing it on my own) and don't imagine I will be interested or capable of anything for a while, but when the time comes I will be seeking out someone I can spend some nice evenings with once or twice a month perhaps without succumbing to the relationship ladder, as PP put it so well.

It would be very difficult to give up having my own home, bedroom and time alone. '

You don't have to. You could even have a proper relationship, just keeping your own space/security x

I've been single for a while, I get where you're coming from and can see why women come to that decision, but then on the other hand I think wouldn't it be a shame if my kids never saw me truly in love, i'm sure some kids love to see their mothers meet someone and fall in love and have a partner.

When my daughter is older I don't think I would like if she ended a relationship and then I watched her stay single for a decade or more just because of the kids.

Interesting to read the comments.

user I think you are right and i think I can imagine my children being ok with another adult, even being happy (with the right person of course), but it's the risk that worries me, that it might not work out.

I was imagining someone living with us though. Perhaps a casual boyfriend would be different, where a new partner didn't become part of our family. Risk aside that appeals much more than living with someone. Friends discussing this recently said it's unrealistic to expect a long term relationship that didn't progress... But ehat you describe sounds good PinkGinny.

I also made my bedroom really nice, and the nicer it is the less I would want to share it 😂 yes I get this. No way am I sharing it with a smelly man! (Although a very cute DC2 just spent most of the night in my bed.)

There's a number of us lurking around this board, who've been single for a very long time (25 years in my case, raising 3 children after desertion by husband); I wasn't looking for a relationship for the first 15 years or so, now I wouldn't mind the 'semi detached' type some pps have described, but you can't make it happen!

Being single isn't always a choice; being happy regardless of relationship status, is. Choose happy!

DC are not missing out on anything not seeing mum ‘truely in love’ the sacrifice and risks you have to take to find this are not worth the outcome IMO, I would rather they learnt how to be independent by themselves as a life skill. Sharing your parent with a man is not as straight forward as it sounds - I’ve had partners/BF’s over the 12 years I’ve been a single parent and every one of them was hard work and sacrifice of my time

As for FWB - that isn’t as easy to come across either. There are some gross weirdos out there, you still need to invest time trying to find someone who is not gross and not weird

Hi OP. I'm 50 and been a single mother 3 years now since cocklodger ExP left. I asked him to leave (or contribute financially and maybe do a little bit of housework) so he chose to leave. I know it was the right thing as i was feeling more and more resentful, but sometimes i do feel a bit lonely. As a person he was very 'nice', like Baloo the bear, or a big human Labrador, but so lazy and just lives off people. He's now living with his girlfriend, in her house, drives her car ( as he couldn't pay the tax and insurance on his).
Sometimes i feel oh was i too harsh, now i'm all alone. As he was a friendly guy, someone to go to the cinema with, have sex with, but that was it. I've not met anyone in all this time, I can't see myself doing so either in the near future. youngest Dd is 8 so I certainly wouldn't have another man move in. so
Maybe I'll do OLD in the future. I think my ideal would be to have a boyfriend who i see a couple of times a week and we keep our own places to live.

I've been single for ten years. I won't start a new relationship until my children are adults, I probably won't even bother then tbh. I don't think children need to be moved in with random blokes they aren't related to. I'm used to it really and no
I don't miss "adult" company. I have of friends and acquaintances. I've always preferred my own company anyway.

You don’t have to move me in. My best friend had a boyfriend for 14 years when she had young children Living at home and they never lived together. Only staying over when the kids were at their dads. He had children too so it suited him. They married this year as all children have flown the nest. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. In between works too. Just be honest. Lots of women and men would be very happy with a part time relationship. However, if you are truly happy single then that’s fine too and carry on. Just be careful not to live your lives completely for your children as one day they will spread their wings and leave.

Em not me!

Yanbu
Just enjoy restructuring your own life ☕