Another relationship is too risky - long term single

[Truthandaspirin]

I am divorced with DC. They have been through a lot of upheaval and I cannot imagine risking putting them through any further big changes. Any relationship, no matter how careful I am, carries a risk as to whether it works out. I might be willing to take that risk if it was just me - but not for my children.

Did anyone else feel like this? Have you chosen to be single for a long time and are content.

I totally agree that we should be happy ourselves first and foremost. I am not saying that anyone should go out and get a partner to make themselves happy so they can be a happier parent. I am 100% not saying that at all...and I think most people have a LOT of healing and growing to do after relationships break down, normally at least a couple of years, often it's more!!

I just think that if someone gets themselves in a good place and feel ready for a relationship then they should go for it, and I think we should trust in womens ability to make the right choices for themselves.

I don't think anyone said anything like that Julietakalris, at least not in that context.

I think children benefit from parents being happy, as long as that parent is a consistent, positive person who is involved in their life regularly. Not someone who isn't around them!

This isn’t about women having no autonomy over their own lives or not being able to be trusted it’s about having open honest conversations between women to empower them to understand the FOMO is understandable, but not an actual threat. The threat is your financial future.

All of the bloody empowering quotes on social media are toxic - you only live once, life is too short, don’t be left on the shelf, your soulmate is probably waiting for you - dichotomy we are fed day after day it’s everywhere

I’ve used celebrities and popular culture as references as to how deeply this is really embedded into our culture. Dating apps are a multi billion £ marketing device, not created purely to bring happiness to millions. Sex and romance are now a gigantic part of society, people feel like there is something wrong with them if they don’t have it. I don’t want women to believe that.

This thread looks really interesting and I need to go back and read the long discussion. My thoughts were on a more basic level but I find the discussion interesting.

The reasons I wondered if my children might benefit from me being in a relationship are a little different - or perhaps I'm just describing what is being talked about. Eg..I try really hard to make sure I don't slip into using DC to meet my needs, such as for company, I try to make sure when we chat about our day that I'm not treating them as older than they are, or as friends. I try to make sure they don't worry about what I'm doing when they are with their father. But I do sometimes catch them worrying about my feelings. I thought perhaps being part of an adult couple might stop that happening.

I have friends I socialise with some weekends or for a big catch up now and again - but not day to day, and I don't have any family that I see. I do agree that a happy mum doesn't equal happy DC. I wouldn't use that line to justify going out all the time etc. But I do sometimes feel a little lonely and try as I might to not let DC ever know that, it is bound to have an effect on us as a family.

Also I was thinking there are days out or holidays where I might be more relaxed with another grown up around. Navigating a different country, language etc with two small children didn't make for the most relaxed holiday. Maybe I will just get better at these things. We do have plenty of little adventures together.

There were more examples but just along these lines. On balance I still don't see how I'd ever risk the potential disruption/, instability. I've seen friends and family underestimate the impact adult relationships have on DC.

Pookiedo, you've said yourself you had several boyfriends/partners in the years that you've been a single parent, you're coming across as so hypocritical, it was ok for you to give yourself another 'chance' or several chances at love or whatever but you're trying to talk other women out of it and telling them are are wrong to look for it and should instead focus on their financial futures!

@PookieDo genuinely it's been a pleasure to read your posts on this thread. I couldn't agree with you more.
And no disrespect meant here @user1481840227 but you come across as a little young, and naive to the nuances of being in an abusive relationship and protecting your children from them. The fact is, the most abusive and predatory men are the most charming, they appear to be the best thing since sliced bread, for years sometimes.
I don't feel like I'm missing out by deciding not to bring a relationship into my family and life and safe places.
What I've built is so much more precious than even the most fabulous man on earth.

Crossed posts with you there user1481840227.
I think your last post speaks volumes.

@stuckandsadintheupsidedown, you couldn't be further from the truth.

I have had an emotional abusive and neglectful childhood. I got stuck in an abusive relationship from the age of 16 where he threatened suicide constantly, when I eventually got out I got pounced on by one of those abusive men who sense when women are vulnerable.

I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD as a result of these. I am getting myself to the best emotional place I can be in and will not be dating until I can be sure that at any sign of a red flag I end the relationship.

I've had nothing but abusive relationships! Trust me, I know all about the nuances of them!

Another single parent who has decided to stay single here! I'm 5 and a half years in.

I think single is how I'm supposed to be to be honest. I've thrived being on my own.

I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody deserves that. To me your posts read fairly aggressively towards pookiedo. I don't get the impression that she is trying to push women into not dating at all.
I think this thread was intended to be a supportive one, where women such as ourselves can talk to one another about the decision that we have made to keep men seperate from our lives while our children are young. Obviously this doesn't chime with your own beliefs and you have been fairly aggressive in your replies to some posters.

I find it interesting to read strongly expressed different views.

I have tried dating across 12 years - I’m not being hypocritical by expressing what I have learnt from my experiences and what I have taken away from it now I am older and wiser. The ‘chances at love’ (once in 12 years as I have already discussed) didn’t work out and it was a real waste of my time and didn’t make me any happier. At the time I didn’t have anyone around me like the women on this thread saying you know, I’m going to wait a while and just focus on me and DC for now. I felt faulty and incomplete and like I didn’t know what I was doing wrong to not find someone

Life is a journey and this is where mine has brought me - I’m not fresh out of the gate and have some battle scars from it and it’s likely so do the DC

I don’t know your situation User but I think I worry you are exactly me some years back, and I was defensive about this too because I felt like I would be robbing myself of what could possibly be my chance of happiness and it felt like an unfair concept

There isn’t a time limit on this magical chance, and stats/anecdotal evidence suggests the longer you wait and the more you build yourself up, the lower your risk of being abused again and risking your DC wellbeing.

It’s seen as a luxury now for mothers to take time off work to focus on their DC, to me this almost the same - you are basically being an emotional SAHP until they are older. Instead of having ducks in a row to leave someone, you have them in a row to maybe meet a great person.

If you have ever looked at risk vs reward models then single mums meeting a new man is high risk - low reward so to speak. The risks can be so high for women like me, the rewards just aren’t worth it right now

Rewards - company, sex, adult convos, feeling less lonely, fun
Risks - abuse, financial instability, issues blending families, getting your heart broken etc

To clarify I have had 1 RS which was long term - 18 months, never lived together, saw on weekends. Ended up with my 1 free child free night a week spent with his DC because he couldn’t work out a proper schedule with his ex wife. I didn’t see my friends, had no time for myself etc. Anything I invited him to he could never come. It was lonely being with him to be honest

It’s been 12 + years and my DC were very little when I became single and I left an abusive RS. I was young and lonely with no money and no career.

Other than that I have dated people who have not met DC, and the dating was quite shit and demoralising and at times unpleasant. I didn’t feel good about myself

A few years ago DD2 chose to stop visiting her DF at weekends and I could no longer date, or bring dates over so at that point, and I felt like the decision she had taken to stop visiting her DF meant she needed my full attention. I had not really been giving that because her going to her DF meant I could date, and she had felt like she had to go to give me a break. So my child had tried to put me first instead of the other way round. It was so wrong

I had an ok job by this point but I realised I needed to up my game for the future and have really worked hard to get into a good position and pay more into a pension.

But I didn’t have anyone to guide me or help me through all these feelings at the time

Interesting thread this. Like the phrase ‘emotional SAHP’ - very interesting.

Since I got rid of exH he has made some questionable decisions and is in a very precarious position. I am the stable parent. Am petrified of not being able to support myself and have just gone full time at work to invest in my pension and be there for the kids financially. It’s a tough gig.

I’m also in a relationship with a lovely guy. Been together 4 years. He has kids. There is some stuff going on with his kids he needs to sort out before we can ever think of moving in. I agree it’s a ‘high risk/low reward’ scenario to blend families. I still can’t see myself ever putting myself in that position. My kids need stability and I’m the only guarantee of that.

This thread is an interesting read!
Especially those who feel sorry for their DM

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3736167-to-ask-if-anyone-has-had-a-strangers-baby