Another relationship is too risky - long term single

[Truthandaspirin]

I am divorced with DC. They have been through a lot of upheaval and I cannot imagine risking putting them through any further big changes. Any relationship, no matter how careful I am, carries a risk as to whether it works out. I might be willing to take that risk if it was just me - but not for my children.

Did anyone else feel like this? Have you chosen to be single for a long time and are content.

@GaraMedouar u didthe right thing,!!
If you ignored that it would have affected your self worth.

When my marriage broke up my dc were young so I made the decision to stay on my own until they were older as they had been through a lot of crap with their dad. It was tough at times as I felt lonely and missed adult male company. They are older now so I feel it's my time. I'm in a relationship with a great guy. I never regretted my decision and now all is great. It's different for everyone but definitely give yourself time to re discover who you are.

Definitely feel like this. STBXH left for the OW. My children are still so hurt and upset over him leaving. I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing someone new into their life who could do that again. I definitely want to date / have something casual but I don’t think I’m ready or will ever want something serious.

Never again for me. I have my own home and my lovely kids. No way would I risk losing them. Divorce cost me a fortune financially. And what’s the point anyway? Most blokes in their 50s are unattractive and lacking in any charm.

Thanks Pucalontach. I know I did , just annoying how he sails through life , and I’m now alone. But to be honest, by the end I was so pissed off that it wasn’t good anyway. And truth be told I always had low self esteem, I’ve been working on that for years! ExP took advantage of that for sure. I was too grateful I suppose to have a ‘nice’ partner (particularly after ExH ).
ExP also wafts in and out playing cuddly fun Dad to our DD together but pays not one penny maintenance. (Self employed, earns peanuts, so there’s no point me going CMS). This was part of the reason I lost respect for him, how can someone not want to provide for their own child.
Anyway DD is being brought up to be a strong , independent, confident woman I hope, so she won’t put up with any nonsense.
It’s amazing though how many women I speak to around my age who say if their partner died or left they would quite happily stay single for ever.

I don’t think choosing to be single and focus on your children is ‘living your lives completely for your children’ I would advise women to prioritise 1. Your career 2. Your pension/future 3. Making good friends

It’s really patronising to warn women to be careful not to ‘leave it too late’ and ‘don’t live for the children’. Often everyone has been through trauma and finding a part time BF to fit around your kids/job/life is much simpler than it is in actual reality

Just because a man/life partner isn’t on your list will NOT make you some sad old 50 yo lonely woman!

*The idea is simpler than reality!

Having a partner doesn't necessarily mean that parents can't teach their kids the life skill of being independent.
There's plenty of independent women who have partners. It's not one or the other.
I mean if a mother meets the right person after years of being on her own and her children seeing her out living her life then surely that can only be a positive thing, not needing a man, but choosing one because they add to their life positively. Too many people settle or stay in bad relationships. I think it would be good for kids to see a strong, healthy relationship, especially if they were exposed to a lot of crap by their dads or witnessed a lot of tension etc. before their parents split up.

Absolutely agree that many have been through trauma, and I have myself, of course my children are a huge consideration when I want to start dating again, but i'd be lying if I said part of it wasn't due to my own fears after trauma in the past, and i'm sure a lot of people are the same. It's easy in a way to say oh well I can't date now for years because the kids are only young, but another part of the equation is that many mothers probably haven't got any help or support from the trauma.

Mumsnet would certainly make any of us afraid to get into relationships!! but we shouldn't fear the idea of it completely. Even if we do decide to wait, or just take no action but remain open to the idea of meeting someone, that's a healthy place to be at I think!

I’m not afraid of a relationship, I just don’t want one or have time. I would need to sacrifice something else to do that, and in my mind, the reward (or sex) is low or unpredictable. I can go the cinema with anyone

Women cannot truthfully ‘have it all’ when they have 90% responsibility for their resident children. Many of the parents who go on to meet a new partner have much more spare time as the NRP has the DC for a larger portion of the week. Where would I fit a partner? It wouldn’t be fair to them. Monday - Friday I am working and dropping on school runs and shopping out of the house 8am to 6pm. I then have to make dinner and sort out laundry etc, get to bed at a decent time for work tomorrow. On weekends only 1 DC visits the NRP, they need lifts to friends/dad/going out/part time jobs, I have to make time for my friends/extended family, jobs in the house etc

What would I bump off the list? My friends? Keeping my life running?

I’m another single mum by choice (had a baby on my own).

I’ve given this topic a lot of thought and I know that I won’t approach relationships as I did in the past. I don’t want to risk my DD’s happiness and our financial security by diving head first into a relationship as per the relationship ladder (to steal a useful phrase from @PinkGinny)

I would like to think I could have a relationship where we can spend time together enjoying each other’s company without it having to mean moving in and the risks associated with introducing a father figure to DD etc.

PookieDo, I think all of us mothers are well aware that we can't have it all or that we don't have the freedom to just go out and date whenever we want, we are all living that reality after all!!

I mean just a few days ago my kids dad told me he had to go abroad for a month, no consideration at all for my plans over the next month at weekends etc...and have a huge amount of things on over the next few weeks and had all of my time planned out!!

The norm where I am is that fathers take the kids each weekend, but plenty of mothers do go on to have relationships. Personally i'm going to be very restricted as I only want a man who has kids already or is absolutely certain that he doesn't want any, because I know for sure that i'm not going to have anymore. If he's taking his kids on the weekend like most men here do, and i'm only free on the weekends that it's going to be very very difficult.

Saying that though if someone just happened to walk into my life and it felt right i'm sure we would be able to find a way...and i'd have to find the time during the week somehow because I wouldn't have any respect for a man who wanted to let his parental responsibilities slide at the weekend because I would feel bad for the other mother!

I don’t think choosing to be single and focus on your children is ‘living your lives completely for your children’ I would advise women to prioritise 1. Your career 2. Your pension/future 3. Making good friends

Totally agree with you Pookie and I would even say 3. above is more of a priority. As you get older, a good social life with a lot of friends and interests serves a helluva lot better than a narrow, codependent life with one partner (not speaking about people who are blissfully happy with that scenario by the way).

And my DC don't need to see me being 'truly in love'. That's not a lesson they need to learn from me. They already see their 'truly in love' dad and the dickish decisions he's made since our divorce, which certainly didn't have the DC anywhere at the centre of them

They've seen me be mum and dad, manage my house, car and finances, and generally be able for what life throws. My teenage DD recently told me, apropos of nothing, that she felt I had a socially full life compared to many of her friends' mums and she thought that was a good thing. Was I wrong to be ridiculously chuffed at that unexpected compliment?!

Children need to understand that a great life can be had without a partner and I feel I'm helping redress the balance of the couple culture, which is a flawed one in my opinion.

Definitely I might meet someone else. But I'm not interested in living with them, caring for them, picking up their crap, putting up with their habits... fcuk all that, never again. So if anyone is like-minded, great. If not, also great.

I am a widower. I am happy single and think its likely and certainly easier to stay that way until youngest has left home.

I dont’t rule out meeting someone but there are so many obstacles to navigate. I did a bit of OLD out of curiosity but found no one compatible with my lifestyle/circumstances

@user1481840227

I thought It was really sad you say would not like it if your own daughter stayed single for 10 years when she focused on her kids. I imagine like we have said most women are focusing on themselves without yet another person to worry about.

There are not a plethora of amazing understanding men out there who don’t mind coming last on your list, will give you great sex, no hassle about how you spend your time but still treat you like some kind of queen. Any RS takes work and effort and a lot of women do not want someone to just randomly shag once in a while (not knowing who else he is also shagging perhaps). All RS take effort planning and emotional investment.

If you still want to prioritise this, due to the threat of being old and alone above increasing your earnings potential or into your friends, that’s your choice but it’s not the way we all want to do it

I'm not so bothered about it not working out long term. I'm more concerned with:

The partner not being who i think they are and harming either me or my children.

Getting as completely obsessed and loved up as i used to in relationships and my children missing out on the level of closeness we have right now.

Compromising myself, playing second fiddle to someone I've put on a huge pedestal and shelving my own dreams and goals again.

I'm quiet, introverted and only 'come out of my shell' when i'm with the right people. I tend to be attracted to charming, charismatic, popular people who are always the star of their own show. I suppose i want to wait until i'm ready to meet someone more like me rather than getting starstruck and overshadowed by another 'big personality'.

I feel like it's taken me five years to even regain half of who i used to be before DV and i don't want to throw it all away.

@PookieDo, if she's living a full and happy life and not lonely or doesn't want the company of a man I wouldn't feel sad for her, but if she did miss the company of a man and wanted to date or find a special person to share her life with but felt like she couldn't in case it caused more upset in the kids lives or was restricted simply because her life was so busy because of commitments with the kids etc. then I would absolutely feel sad for her. Many women who choose that path are lonely and feel like they're missing out and resign themselves to waiting 10 years + because of the kids. That's the point i'm making.

I am definitely not bothered with men right now, I am currently dealing with the aftermath of an emotionally abusive childhood, the relationship with my kids dad which I was basically trapped in due to suicide treats, and an emotionally abusive relationship after that (my kids are not aware of that relationship) but the abuse was very similar to my childhood so it has caused all the past issues to come to the surface and after once being the most positive person and seeing the best in everyone, all I see around me are horrible, selfish men who treat women like crap, and who often also treat the children in damaging ways.

I have never had a good male figure in my life, my kids father talks the talk and thinks he's an amazing father but the reality is pretty different He actually introduced his new girlfriend on day 1 to the kids which completely stunned me as I never ever thought he'd do that.

I am well aware that it's hard to find a decent man, I also think good male role models are important in kids lives. Of course for some women that's not possible and the women do a fantastic job of playing daddy too and provide the good role model in that sense.

I just think that I wouldn't rule anything out for the sake of the kids, when there are potential benefits in some cases that might outweigh the cons, that all depends on finding a great man (which we are in agreement they are hard to come by).

As I said i'm very restricted as I would only go for men who already have children. My kids are also getting older and my son is a teenager so there's also the consideration that it would be very, very difficult to move a man into the house over the next few years as teenagers probably wouldn't like the dynamic of the house changing (even if I did meet the man of my dreams).

But all that i'm basically saying is that we should never rule anything out, never resign ourselves to waiting a decade or more before we want to date, just because of the kids, I think that in some cases women may kind of hide behind that when really they don't want to date again out of fear, due to past traumas!

I've got a lovely DP who doesn't live with me, doesn't try to parent DD (which they're both happy about) and is totally independent from me.

I find this works well as we generally only see each other when DD isn't around (either at her dad's or out with friends / at classes) so this relationship is mine, not really anything to do with DD. They're happy to chat / watch TV all together sometimes but if we did split up it wouldn't really have any effect on her at all.

Could this work for you?

But those people who are sad as they are missing having a partner are usually made to feel somehow incomplete or inadequate by the pressures of society on single women.

Everyone (society) is telling women what they should want or aspire to is to not be alone in their 50’s when their kids leave home, not go without sex and building for a future is all about having someone to pay half the mortgage with you - and it’s wrong.

There SHOULD be threats worrying and being sad that you have no pension and how to make that better, not how to improve your OLD profile

I disagree @pookiedo, I don't think it's down to pressure from society at all.

We have a biological need for meaningful touch and intimacy, skin hunger is a real thing. It's also quite natural to want someone to share your life with, for companionship from a loving relationship, for all sorts of things.

The women I know who date do so because they want to, because they want dates or sex or a man to love, not because it's expected of them from society, because it really isn't.

I think what you've described could apply to many women, married, in a relationship or single. Women often lose themselves as people after they have kids anyway, don't make time for themselves and hobbies, let their career go, don't keep in touch with friends and don't prioritise themselves in general. It's more to do with having kids and the commitments that that entails rather than because of their relationship status.

Well a year ago I would have said I was definitely staying single!! I've had 3 LTR (inc 1 marriage) in my life and since the last one, was totally put off.

I'm late 40s and after being on my own for a year, I could honestly say I was very happy on my own and wasn't on the look out for another relationship at all. I've since met someone by pure accident and although it is early days, I am at a time in my life where I am in a much stronger position, have confidence and know what I want from a relationship. No game playing, no time wasting etc.

If this relationship doesn't work out, I will be sad, but totally fine as I am comfortable with myself. I have missed the companionship (and sex), sharing my life with someone again has been nice, but I'm not conforming to the ideal of society. I'm doing this for myself, nobody else.

We still live in a society where single mothers are one of the most vulnerable groups. They have very limited access to education and the workplace. We still live in a patriarchal society where nearly all women will suffer some kind of sexual assault in their lifetime

Name me 4 female CEO’s who are single mums

Many live in poverty (or on the edge) with non paying, or low paying absent fathers. Many women in DV situations cannot leave as they are dependent on men financially. These women are especially vulnerable to abusers and manipulators. They are often unable to buy property, have little assets and are in positions where of course, someone to cuddle, support and help them is of importance to them. Being a single mother especially one who has experienced trauma already makes you vulnerable to isolation, and abuse can increase that. Putting your RS/physical needs above your other more basic needs is very common, and I would like to see more women really consider their position on a much wider scale before they seek a relationship, and it’s not as simple as ‘it’s nice to hug someone’ that it’s inbuilt human nature

To put it crudely, I would want my daughter to prioritise and stabilise her financial and emotional needs over her physical desires .

If we are talking about biology then this is really too much of a vague statement to make for ‘all people’ and say it’s an inbuilt need. Biologically, women often have the urge to procreate and have children with a partner, but they also have been treated so badly by society historically that a strong instinct in a woman is to feel safe and protected. These 2 things often do not actually go well together. By having children, she has made herself more vulnerable and a man has not.

There are according to gingerbread 1.8 million single parents in the UK and 90% of them are women. The age for claiming your pension is 68. Many women will have a gap of at least 20 years in their pension, where they were on lower pay or no pay as SAHP. 65% of all claimants of income support were single parents last year. There is going to be a terrible pension crisis by the time these women are 68 and the thing they should be most afraid of is when your children leave home and you have no career and a limited education. We should be teaching women and girls about how to make this better, not how to find a man.

And yes, society is telling women they should find a man, this is proven by the following things:

• Tabloids following female celebrities around speculating about their sex life, or someone like Jennifer Aniston, asking when she will have children

-The multi billion dollar beauty industry, selling women perfection for men. Same for cosmetic surgery

• The rise in sexual assaults, revenge porn and stalking crimes
• for some decades now women’s magazines have been entirely focused on ‘how to meet a man’ , what do men like, how to look sexy
• everyone asking you all the time when you will find a man or giving unsolicited advice about

It’s ok to question why meeting someone is a higher priority than the other things discussed here

We have a biological need for meaningful touch and intimacy

We don't all, user I think it's not really helpful to generalise about things like this when what makes individuals happy varies hugely. For example, I have much more of a want for company, the stimulation of conversation, laughs etc than touch and intimacy, although the latter are nice to have.

There's no question that from an early age, society is pushing people to couple up and women to expect this romantic bullshit (see ridiculous threads on women waiting for some dolt to give them a ring before their life has meaning

I'm very happy if I can be part of fighting against that.

There are thousands of threads just on this forum that shows the effort women are going to to try to make a RS work, even when it’s horrible

Also every single Disney film has a romantic happy ending!

Pookiedo, many women do consider their needs on a wider scale before dating, most women need to rebuild after a relationship with the kids father ends anyway.

For some women meeting their physical needs is extremely important to meet their emotional needs, they are linked, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

We should of course teach women and girls about financial independence, the importance of career and so on, but that doesn't mean that we need to say it's either one or the other, you can only have a career if you don't have a man.

Completely disagree with most of the examples you posted that they are in any way telling women that they should find a man!
Tabloids follow all celebrities around, some people are interested in all aspects of their lives, not just their love lives!

The beauty industry isn't for men, it's for womens confidence.

The rise in sexual assaults, revenge porn and stalking crimes?? I don't get your point there at all??

I don't read magazines but any magazine, website etc. that might have articles on that is catering to the people that actually want that kind of advice, the women who aren't interested won't read them and if they do I can't imagine they would feel pushed into dating.

Your post reads more like women just shouldn't have children at all, and if you do have kids with someone and the relationship doesn't work out then sorry but that was your only shot, you better suck it up and focus on your pension in 30 years now instead of silly ideas about some silly little thing called love.