Another relationship is too risky - long term single

[Truthandaspirin]

I am divorced with DC. They have been through a lot of upheaval and I cannot imagine risking putting them through any further big changes. Any relationship, no matter how careful I am, carries a risk as to whether it works out. I might be willing to take that risk if it was just me - but not for my children.

Did anyone else feel like this? Have you chosen to be single for a long time and are content.

Bunnycolvin, perhaps some people don't need it or don't feel like they do, but more and more research is emerging all the time about how a lack of touch can affect our wellbeing.

We could all be fully independent women perfectly happy on our own, thriving careers, quality time with the kids, friends, hobbies, a good social life, and still crave some meaningful touch, intimacy and sex. For some if they don't get that then something will be missing!

I disagree that society is always teaching us to couple up from an early age too, yep of course there's disney movies and people asking their preschoolers do they have boyfriends and girlfriends and all of that, but all of that is quite playful, it's when puberty kicks in that the hormones go crazy and the biological drive kicks in. Once my hormones really kicked in at age 12 all I thought about all day long was boys lol It wasn't society or peer pressure telling me to go after boys, it was my body!

I think it’s unlikely I will be able to influence the opinions of anyone who believes in misty eyed soulmates, destiny or that your emotions will support you in your old age 😂

I never said anything about misty eyed soulmates lol

but no you're unlikely to change my opinion anyway. I'm aware that there can be a pension crisis, but we all have enough to worry about now anyway without saying well my relationship failed, that was my one and only chance, I better put all my spare time now in my 30s into building up a pension fund for my 60s so that i'm not broke. That's no way to live!

I was talking to a married friend earlier in a relatively comfortable financial position, who was discussing how she might want to move with her family, she said she wouldn't care if they lost all the money from the house, as long as they were all happy!

i'm sure you would think that was very stupid, but just like Megan Markle said recently, it's not enough to survive, we have to thrive and be happy! For different people that might mean different things!

Am I to understand that you believe misogyny to be something that is all in my imagination, and just something people talk about but it’s not actually real or happening?

Are sex crimes against women going down and I didn’t know about it? You don’t understand the correlation between the rise year on year of sexual assaults, stalking and things like revenge porn and why women need to take care of themselves? And that the justice system is failing them, and they have no resources to support themselves so they stay in awful and dangerous relationships for way too long, putting themselves at risk?

Well yes, I am teaching my daughters that if you work really hard to build yourself a nice life and then want to share it with someone, that can be nice. But I am not teaching them that it’s ok to just keep ploughing away at ‘meeting the one’ and that love is all you need in life, and to not have it means you are missing out on the most wonderful parts of being human. Because that is actual shit.

We live in a progressive country, no longer strictly religious but we are still very much in a society that values the institution of marriage and relationships above actual human happiness

I read threads on here every day about women who don’t want to have sex with their partner but feel obliged to. About how they are doing 90% of absolutely everything and still feeling like they aren’t a good enough wife. How they don’t want to break their family up because it will mean living on the breadline. How can we educate our girls to not make the same mistakes? I’ve made them and lived them and I don’t want the same for them. I want better.

And yes, statistically women live longer than men so you will need that pension 😂

My post should read:

If you are a single mum, it’s best to focus on having a career and financial stability rather than dating.
You will not get your children’s childhoods back, and you also won’t get back the years when you should have been paying in your pension.
But people over 40/50 can and do still physically have sex, so your vagina won’t dry up and run away if you aren’t touched by a man for a while, and you can get back on your feet into a strong position and will be so much more likely to meet a really nice, stable, normal man who isn’t going to take advantage of you

I absolutely believe that women need to take care of themselves, 100%. Sex crimes, revenge porn, sexual assault and rape are all things that unfortunately we all have to consider these days, you however used the rates as proof that society pushes women into relationships??

Are you saying that the fact that women still continue to date despite that risk is proof that society makes us feel like we have to? or what exactly are you saying because you haven't made it one bit clear!

I don't think anyone on this thread said to keep ploughing on until you meet the one, or to keep going through multiple men, one after the other until you find the right one.

I read those threads too and I think it is desperately sad that people settle for being desperately unhappy. I naturally want better for both of my children too and i'm hoping to raise my kids not to ignore red flags. My son is a great kid and I am teaching him as best as I can to have respect for women. Due to recent events that have happened with his ex i've had to discuss this kind of thing with him recently, and he does see how mothers have an unfair share of the load, I am hoping that I will raise him to not see that as acceptable or ok despite him seeing me having an unfair share of the load.

Yes people continue to date and put themselves through these risks and experiences and suffer from some of the crimes listed so they don’t end up lonely when older and out of fear. And don’t men know it. They KNOW that a newly single mum is bait, I’ve heard men say this. Single mums can be easy pickings for the many arrogant men who think they are gods gift to women. Since I have been single I have had 4 married men try to have casual sex with me (I did not want to obviously) and I was stalked and harassed by my adult learning tutor who sent me unsolicited dick pics for months until I reported him, and even then he didn’t get sacked.

society tells us that an unmarried older woman is a ‘spinster’ who collects cats wearing cardigans and an unmarried man is a ‘Batchelor’ who lives in a ‘Batchelor pad’ who no woman can tame. Phrases like ‘left on the shelf’ haunt women and find their married friends stop inviting them to things. All the couples dance at weddings and city break brochures have couples holding hands and looking up at the Eiffel Tower. You have no one to go anywhere with because your married friends are at home with their DC while their husband is on another stag weekend.

Fascinating thread
I've recently made the decision to not get back on the relationship ladder. Certainly not for the next 10 years. I ended an abusive and sexually violent relationship with a man in may. Court case is on going.
My major fear is of this happening to me again, would the police believe me if it happened with a second man? Would social services want my ds to go live with his (quite nice) dad?
The risk of that is way way too high.

Also, since being single I've been on a few dates and tbh the men in my age range ( late 30s) are just not great.. Certainly not a patch on my female friends in terms of wit and intelligence and laughs.

And I've done the freedom programme and tbh that just secured my thoughts. I did the group sessions spread over 2 months and the sheer variety of ways a variety of men have chosen to abusive their wives and children has blown my mind.

No I would say the vast majority continue to date or start dating because they themselves want to go and meet men, not out of fear. People choose to date, for themselves!

I would hate for my son to live in a world where all women stopped going out on dates, because of the sexual predators out there.

I don't know if people still use those phrases or names. I certainly don't hear them being used to describe anyone.

Interesting thread.

5 years ago my perfectly normal relationship broken down when the ex ran off with the OW.

Son was devastated.

I've dated here and there (never past a third date) and have kept it a secret to allow my son to heal.

5 months ago I started dating an amazing guy. Son is now 17 so they met fairly quickly. I feel I did the time giving my son what he needed and now was the right time for me to enter into a relationship.

Did I mention he is amazing?

You have never heard of the phrase crazy cat lady? Or seen any memes about it? I’m not that old...

Also someone like Leonardo DiCaprio. No one is constantly asking him when he is going to have a child in the way they do Jennifer Aniston.

Joey in Friends vs controlling Monica?

Maybe one day read a comments section about someone like Kerry Katona, it is horrifying how people view her place in society, whether you agree with her lifestyle is one thing but the vitriol is something else

Men on dating apps are not deluged with pictures or erect penises or requesting nudes then blocking you when you don’t comply

Women tend to think there is something wrong with them if they are alone and can’t meet someone. That they must be unattractive or boring or too old. OLD is demoralising but they keep ploughing on regardless swiping and matching because the apps are designed and marketed to be addictive ‘just keep swiping, your soulmate is one click away’ also people you meet will tell you about their cousins aunties neighbour who met someone whilst mowing the lawn one day, and it was love at first sight. Women love these stories of hope and ‘it could me me next...’ and are in love with the idea of romance. The actual reality of romance is short lived and in fact hard work. Dating is an investment of your time and emotions and women are often not prepared for this. If they already don’t have much confidence it doesn’t take much for it to be knocked out of them completely and standards can get Lower and lower. Never heard men call women high maintenance/fussy for having a set of expectations about what they want?

@WWlOOlWW

See that’s nice. it does sound like the right time and timing is very important. I gather you didn’t shrivel up and wither during those 5 Cold years and your son is mature enough to deal with it all

Plenty of people are motivated to look for relationships out of fear of being alone, and will also tolerate bad relationships over a long time for the same reason. It's naive not to think fear of being alone motivates a lot of relationships, especially in older women.

Pookie I totally agree with you, but I notice that MN is never that receptive to views like this. It's like women feel threatened or something?? Weird.

@Pookiedo, I've heard of the phrase, I said I don't know if people still use them. Maybe they did historically, but I don't hear people call people that type of thing now. There are plenty of derogatory phrases from the past that we've all heard of but are no longer used!

There's a crazy cat lady where I live, she's not called that because she's single, she's called that because she has a shitload of cats lol and people have had cats that went missing and seen them peeking out of her blinds so she appears to kidnap them lol

Friends came out 25 years ago!!! Things have changed in that time!

Asking Jennifer Aniston about having kids is different, there is absolutely pressure on women to explain why they don't want children, I don't think there is pressure there to be in a relationship though.

And there was so much focus on Jennifer in particular, because she was part of such a famous couple and her husband left her for this woman who was such a sex symbol. Jennifer was considered the girl next door, the one that people could relate to. Brad and Angelina have loooooads of kids, so that is why there was so much focus and spotlight on her and her life choices after. Of course it wasn't nice for Jennifer as a person and I'm sure it upset her a lot at times, but we can't use Hollywood celebrities as a magnifying glass for all of society.

@Bunnycolvin, I'm not talking about older women. I mean I can understand older women being more lonely if they are retired, no more years left for career progression, restricted in what hobbies they do due to age or ill health and so on. Of course there's plenty that are fit and healthy, and people can take on hobbies at whatever age, but often people feel they are too old for certain things.
I'm mainly talking about women with young children!

We must be boring people to tears now at this stage

Bunny this is for a few reasons

Firstly it is seen as threatening to the decisions they have chosen and feels like a personal attack.

We can’t go back in time, only forward but a lot of people feel that advising women not to date is taking something away from them and punishing them for having children like it is a mistake.

That is absolutely not the case

If you have children and a very long happy marriage then this worked out well but it probably was not the factor of LUCK. It was a combination of factors and good decisions and likely good self esteem and confidence when choosing a good partner.

You actually don’t get multiple chances in life like a video game. Every decision you make affects the children you choose to have, and you know this when you have them. So if you are making a sacrifice to stay away from any peen bearers during childhood, this makes some women uncomfortable who want to be in a couple because they fear being alone/can’t afford it and have FOMO.

There is a myth that children are emotionally robust enough to just be happy if mummy and daddy are happy. This really is a myth and no one should be fooled by it. You might be able to pass it off if your child is under 2 or 3.

You need to really be confident that your DC are ok, you are ok and fully recovered from your experience, you have your wits about you and fear and loneliness won’t drive you to make a bad decision. Meeting someone lovely isn’t just luck, it’s based on you being stable and in a good place emotionally and mentally.

There completely is pressure to be in a relationship. There's a thread running on this at the moment, the comments people get about meeting someone etc.

Meeting someone lovely isn’t just luck, it’s based on you being stable and in a good place emotionally and mentally

That's a really good point. Women who've come out of a bad relationship are vulnerable and an absolute magnet for arseholes.

It is absolutely not a myth that children are emotionally robust if mummy and daddy are happy. A happy parent is normally a good supportive parent. A supportive nurturing parent will encourage resilience in a child. Studies have shown that if children have at least one nurturing 'good' parent that they generally are resilient and cope with traumatic events like divorce and are happy.

I was single for about 4.5 years after my marriage ended, I focused on DD, work, DIY, going out with friends and eventually got to a place where I wanted to try dating and maybe a relationship, I didn't need to, wasn't desperate just wanted to give it a go. I'm a year into a new relationship, we have no intention of even talking about moving in together until DD leaves for Uni at the earliest, we sometimes don't see each over for several days and it's perfectly acceptable to prioritise plans with friends as well as our respective children. I feel I've retained my independence but at the same time it's nice to have someone to cuddle up in front of the telly with when it suits us. DD is comfortable with the situation because things have moved very slowly and there's been no pressure.

The last time I was on a dating website, I honestly only went on because some people I work with had told me it was a shame I was still single and I must have been having a bad day as I went home and joined Badoo.

the majority of men who messaged me were early 30’s (I am older than that) and one even had in his profile how much he loved his PS4. The one man who was my age had no DC and when I tried to find out what he was interested in, he said he just drinks beer in his garage most nights. If I was lacking in confidence I might have tried to make these work, but I value myself enough not to

The last RS I had was with a man with 3 DC. He prioritised his ex wife’s needs over mine to the point I had to walk away. What was once admirable in him became a burden on my life and a point of contention. He wasn’t horrible but it felt like I was having an affair with him because his wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore. Again, valuing myself, but I still got hurt in the process and regret this wasted time I could have been doing something more interesting. Since then I think this spurred me on and I’ve had 2 promotions at work

Yes but you are risking your child’s happiness, your independence and finances on a gamble to be that happy parent for your child, when you can make yourself happy on your own with way less risk.

It’s absolutely the case that this is just a myth to justify having a new RS, and a nice byproduct MIGHT be that mummy or daddy is happier. This doesn’t automatically translate into happiness of child, it is what you want to think. The moment you start to invest in a RS you will be investing less in yourself and your DC, which is why people wait until the child is more independent and needs you a lot less. It’s just common sense.

If you have a small child and want more children, you need to just be careful that you don’t end up in the exact same situation but with another child.

There is a thread on AIBU I don’t know how old the DC are but the OP met a new partner 12 weeks after she left her DH and she thought it might be nice for her DC to meet her boyfriend for the first time on Christmas Day. This is a perfect example of when people try to put square pegs in round holes to justify getting what they want with a bewildering lack of insight to how their DC might feel

Yeah children's feelings are often not put first, and throwing out this 'everyone deserves to be happy' crap justifies a lot of crap behaviour that damages kids ime.

how much he loved his PS4. he said he just drinks beer in his garage most nights

lol I'm obviously missing the chance of eternal happiness!

Your posts are brilliant @PookieDo and I agree with every word.

As for children are happy if "mummy and daddy are happy" balderdash! Watching a parent swoon about over some random person who has nothing to do with them is not a performance I'd like my children to witness. The last time I heard anyone say that was when my ex justified his decision to live halfway round the world away from his young teens for two thirds of the year because "my kids just want me to be happy".