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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who is in the wrong

93 replies

NDynamite · 04/11/2019 11:47

Hi, I'm 17 but really wanted some advice about my boyfriend. We've been together about a year now, we're both at college together, but we argue all the time and I don't know how to make it stop.

He can be very quiet and reserved and a lot of my friends ask why I'm with him as I'm usually quite loud and like to joke around, but they don't really know what he's like in private. When it's just me and him he's really funny and we like a lot of the same things, I think he loves me a lot and I do love him too but I worry about a future with him.

He can get very jealous and insecure. He doesn't like me talking to any other boys ever, even if they are just random ones in my class. He has waited outside my classroom for me before and seen me chatting to one (we were just chatting about the coursework) and had a huge go at me afterwards.

When we argue we usually go to the common across from my college and he will get very angry. He shouts and screams in my face, he calls me a slut, fat (I'm size 6), ugly and a whore & says I'm cheating on him. I feel bad because I end up getting angry back at him because I know I haven't done anything wrong so I end up shouting back and saying mean things that I don't mean, there has been pushing and shoving too.

I really love him and I've asked him to stop mis-trusting me but this happens every single week and it's getting me down. I lost my virginity to him and my parents don't even like him, he barely says a word to them when he's met them because he's really shy.

He said he has problems with emotions and depression & says I am screwing him up. Am I? Am I a horrible person who's causing all this? I just want us to get along.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 04/11/2019 11:48

dump him he will only get worse

GinisLife · 04/11/2019 11:50

Simple answer ? Dump him. You're 17, you don't need a crappy person in your life. He needs to grow up.

AnneKipanki · 04/11/2019 11:50

This is going nowhere good . End it.

OnlineShopping · 04/11/2019 11:50

Just dump him and move on.

AnneKipanki · 04/11/2019 11:51

He is screwing you up .

LucileDuplessis · 04/11/2019 11:54

He shouts and screams in my face, he calls me a slut, fat (I'm size 6), ugly and a whore & says I'm cheating on him and you honestly don't know who is in the wrong?

You need to dump him and work on your self-esteem.

user1480880826 · 04/11/2019 11:54

He sounds horrendous. No one should be treated the way he’s treating you. He is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship and you need to understand that this is NOT normal behaviour.

The times that he is nice to you in no way compensate for the vile way he treats you and his controlling behaviour.

You need to leave him now.

Hadalifeonce · 04/11/2019 11:55

I know how difficult it can be when you love someone, but he is treating you very, very badly. It will surely get worse, and if you stay in this relationship you will probably be encouraged not to meet with your friends, not to go to your parents as he knows they don't like him. You will find yourself alone with a man who is happy to insult you, abuse you emotionally and physically.
It will be hard, but you have to get out of this relationship, lean on your friends for support, call them if you feel yourself weakening.
Please do this for your own safety.

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 11:55

Please dump him. Get your friends around you because he may not take it well. But do it today and mean it.

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 04/11/2019 11:57

Please end your relationship with him. He's not a nice person and he doesn't seem to be making you happy at all.

You're only 17 - do you really want this to be your life forever?

notanurse2017 · 04/11/2019 11:57

Dump him. It will only get worse.

My dd had a similar relationship at your age. Really similar. It only ended when police became involved. It screwed up her life for 2 years and nearly broke us as a family.

She is 21 now and has got through it and I am so proud of her. But my god, I wish that she had never met her boyfriend.

PurpleFrames · 04/11/2019 12:02

I was you 6yrs ago and married that boyfriend. Trust me the abuse only gets worse. Save yourself the heartache now and work on your own confidence and self compassion.

AnneKipanki · 04/11/2019 12:02

I am reading Holly Bourne ' The Places I Cried In Public ' just now.
Might be a good read for you OP.

12345kbm · 04/11/2019 12:02

Sweetie, you are in an abusive relationship and you need to finish with your boyfriend.

It is not ok for anyone, anyone, to call you names or try to make you feel bad about yourself. You are doing nothing wrong at all. Your boyfriend has a lot of problems and he will continue to treat his girlfriend's badly because he's abusive, not because of anything they've done. There is something very wrong with him and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Please don't waste any more of your precious life with him. Finish with him immediately, block him on your phone and all forms of social media and move on. If you feel you need support, phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 to find out about counselling in your area or see if you can join a support group.

If he continues to contact you when you've told him to leave you alone, then contact the police. Don't ever put up with anything other than loving kindness.

DreamingOfLivingInAChateau · 04/11/2019 12:04

Please get rid of him, what he's doing is horrible, and you don't need it in your life - the fact that he is trying to wear down your self-esteem is disgusting.

please dump him, and work on being you- find out what you want, who you are as a person before you try another relationship.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS ARSEHOLE

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

huuskymam · 04/11/2019 12:07

Your 17, you dont need his crap. Dump him and get on with living your life the way you want to.

NDynamite · 04/11/2019 12:10

I think maybe I've just shared too much about his bad points. He used to be bullied at senior school & has really struggled ever since, even to make good friends. He says I am the only good thing in his life and he's always saying how he loves me more than I love him - he's written me poems and love letters about how he dreamed about a girl like me and then I came along. He says he's always trying to make me happy with buying scarfs I like and taking me to the cinema. I wonder if I can be a bit selfish sometimes as i feel like I'm always moaning - I second guess a lot of what he says and always feel like he's lying to me about things. I feel crazy!

OP posts:
12345kbm · 04/11/2019 12:19

It's very confusing when someone tells us they love us and writes us poetry and tells us that we are their dream girl and then calls us names and tries to make us feel bad about ourselves. It's natural to want to help him because of his past and that just makes you lovely and caring.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change him darling, and he is not treating you well. I know you think that if you did just this one thing, everything would be ok. I know you think that if you just made him understand how much you care and how much he's hurting you when he shouts at you, that it would all be perfect. It doesn't work like that, no matter how much you try to change for him.

His behaviour is going to get worse and you do not deserve to be spoken to like that, no matter how much he tells you he cares. No one who loves you, wants you to feel bad about yourself. His actions do not match his words and you can't change him.

There is no way of fixing him and you have to let him go. I know it hurts but you need to do this.

Wallywobbles · 04/11/2019 12:19

You know what. It's the bad points that count. No matter how good the other bits are.

PlinkPlink · 04/11/2019 12:19

Just because he's great some of the time doesnt erase the awful behaviour.

You're quite young so picking up warning signs is going to be new for you. You need to know that his behaviour is not normal. It's not because he loves you more either. It's because he can't control you. And as PP said, it will only get worse.

Screaming abuse at you is NOT NORMAL.
Telling you you're fat is NOT NORMAL
Not socialising with other people, your parents particularly is NOT NORMAL

Accusing you of cheating is quite a warning sign as well. It's probably why you're second guessing him. He most likely has cheated himself and is now worried you will do the same. He's transferring his guilt on to you.

Please listen to everyone. This is not healthy. This is not normal behaviour when two people love each other. End it for your own self esteem and safety.

AnneKipanki · 04/11/2019 12:31

HEY ! At least you have RECOGNISED BAD POINTS .

NDynamite · 04/11/2019 12:38

But he says that a lot of his depression is because of me. He says he's insecure because he doesn't want me to leave him and that he really really loves me - almost too much. He says he writes cards for me and rips them up and writes them again and again because he wants to get them right.

I've snuck into a couple of clubs before with my friends and he said when he saw the pictures it 'destroyed' him especially because one of his mates was there. I didn't know his friend was coming! We have a big group of friends and ended up at the same place! I barely spoke two words to him and tried explaining that but he sees it as some kind of betrayal.

He also blames me for going with 'someone else' to the prom last year. I asked him to go with me and he said no as he wanted to go to our friends (who is a girl) birthday, is already got a ticket so I went with two girl friends of mine. He seems to think I went and danced with boys all night so blames me for that.

He says that he doesn't think I care how he feels which is disturbing because he thought that I love him. And that sometimes when he sees my name on his phone he's reduced to a 'nervous wreck' but I feel like that when I see his name! The way he describes me sometimes makes me feel like an evil person.

I have honestly never ever cheated on him or lied to him in my life. I may be a bit selfish and unthinking sometimes, but he makes me feel as if I'm the worst person ever and that I should feel sorry all the time about how I am. He says he feels like a meaningless piece of shit

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/11/2019 12:40

Oh wow - he is manipulating you so much. So so much. Controlling you and being abusive.

Poems scarves etc are worthless in comparison to respect and self esteem.

Please free yourself. Dump him, move on.

12345kbm · 04/11/2019 12:48

but he makes me feel as if I'm the worst person ever and that I should feel sorry all the time about how I am

No one who cares about you, makes you feel like that.

AnneKipanki · 04/11/2019 12:50

You came on for advice . How do you make it stop ?

Tell him ..it is over .

This relationship is NOT GOOD ( for the both of you but especially you )

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