Who is in the wrong

[NDynamite]

Hi, I'm 17 but really wanted some advice about my boyfriend. We've been together about a year now, we're both at college together, but we argue all the time and I don't know how to make it stop.

He can be very quiet and reserved and a lot of my friends ask why I'm with him as I'm usually quite loud and like to joke around, but they don't really know what he's like in private. When it's just me and him he's really funny and we like a lot of the same things, I think he loves me a lot and I do love him too but I worry about a future with him.

He can get very jealous and insecure. He doesn't like me talking to any other boys ever, even if they are just random ones in my class. He has waited outside my classroom for me before and seen me chatting to one (we were just chatting about the coursework) and had a huge go at me afterwards.

When we argue we usually go to the common across from my college and he will get very angry. He shouts and screams in my face, he calls me a slut, fat (I'm size 6), ugly and a whore & says I'm cheating on him. I feel bad because I end up getting angry back at him because I know I haven't done anything wrong so I end up shouting back and saying mean things that I don't mean, there has been pushing and shoving too.

I really love him and I've asked him to stop mis-trusting me but this happens every single week and it's getting me down. I lost my virginity to him and my parents don't even like him, he barely says a word to them when he's met them because he's really shy.

He said he has problems with emotions and depression & says I am screwing him up. Am I? Am I a horrible person who's causing all this? I just want us to get along.

"we argue all the time and I don't know how to make it stop."
I'm sure you do know how. You have to dump him and don't ever see him again.

He doesn't love you. If he did he would not call you disgusting names. Go out with friends and enjoy life. You deserve to be respected and cared for. You don't deserve to be treated so badly.

This won't change. He's being manipulative and abusive. Why put up with this when you could have someone who is funny and actually nice to you? You are young. Set some proper boundaries and value yourself more than to put up with an idiot like this.

But he says that a lot of his depression is because of me.

Well do him a favour then and leave. Love does not look like what you are describing.

Someone who loves you should not make you feel like this.

Just because someone has been bullied, it does not give him free rein to be an arsehole.

It doesn't matter if he's nice and funny when you're alone. That doesn't make up for how he treats you at other times.

You deserve to be happy. You can be happy. But not with him.

Please pay attention to what EVERYONE on this thread is telling you.

He's an extremely insecure, jealous, possessive, controlling guy.

He's also abusive when he shouts at you, calls you horrible things, shoved you etc. - (controlling men also generally are abusive).

Guys like this rarely change. Very rarely. He probably won't, he behave like this with every girlfriend he has and wreck every relationship. Unless he finds one that he can brainwash, oppress, control and isolate enough from her friends, family etc (who will.tell her to get away from him if she's honest about his behaviour). You don't want to be that one.

His behaviour is ridiculous, very unhealthy and totally unfair to you.

Oh and he was bullied, so what - he now gets to bully you? If he was bullied he'd know how bad it feels to be called names, put down, insulted, stressed, made to feel bad and pushed/shoved ... So why does he want to do it to someone else, leg alone the person he says he loves??!!

As Lundy Bancroft, who write some very good books about abusive men, said;

"That's not love, that's ownership".

Sweetie honestly, end this and move on. Your adult self will thank you. Men who love you, trust you and don't abuse you by calling you terrible names. This boy doesn't know what love is. He's very mixed up, emotionally immature and abusive. I

Move on, you are worth more and can do better.

*let alone

None of his good points equals out his bad points.

There should be NO bad points.

You are 17 and should be having the time of your life. None of this shouting in your face - ever. No shoving - ever. No need to not talk to your friends - ever.

There is good reason why your parents do not like him and it will not be just down to him not talking to them. Although that is bad enough.

What he is like in private should be the same as what he is like in public.

You need to learn that you deserve so much more than this.

I hope that you really read all the advice you get on this thread. Well done for posting and asking advice because somewhere you know this is not right.

If his issues are really causing him to behave this way toward his gf (they're not, he just wants complete control over you) ... Then he needs to get psychologlical help/counselling/whatever to see if he can solve them .. he needs to not be in a relationship while he's doing that and not get back into one until he's resolved them and can stop treating his gf like this

Because as he is, he's not capable of a healthy, decent relationship.

Sorry but I don't think he'll get help or change though, it's v unusual for guys like this to, its too ingrained. And it's not about their past experiences/things done to them etc .. it's about their views of women.

Also I think he'll go to pushing/shoving to worse.

V sorry and I know it's hard but you need to get the fk away from him, as soon as you can.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

*Also I think he'll go from pushing/shoving to worse

Honestly, your boyfriend is following a script. Do your parents know how he is behaving? Is there someone at school you could chat to?

Remember that his mental health is not your responsibility. You are not making him depressed or anxious or paranoid. He needs to take responsibility for himself and stop using mental health as a trump card to control you.

You are very young and you don't need this in your life.

Talk to one of the pastoral care team at college and they will help you to get away from him. Some of your tutors may well have noticed if he's hanging around your classes and having a go at you for talking to your classmates. It's not ok for him to treat you like this.

The unwillingness to talk to your parents almost certainly isn't shyness. It's that he realises they'll find him out and he doesn't want that.

Dump him! You say that he has good points-they are NOT good points, they are materialistic things. Even if he had good points, they wouldn't matter as his bad points are terribly bad.

Most of us on here have had years of experience and know how to see a red flag. Someone will come along who treats you really well. He won't change and will bring you down. A nice boyfriend doesn't behave like this!

I think maybe I've just shared too much about his bad points

Honestly OP, he may be funny and sexy and generous and amazing in lots of ways, but that does not make it OK for him to treat you in the way you've described.

It sounds like he's more in love with the 'idea' of you than the real you. You need to find someone who can love you and respect you for who you are (you sound great!), not who they want you to be.

I got as far as 'jealous and insecure'

Run OP. He won't get any better, he's abusive and it WILL. NOT. STOP.

Just read your posts back as if it were a friend of yours writing them. What advice would you give her?

Run a bloody mile. He doesn't love you. He wouldn't be so damn nasty to you if he loved you.

Hold the line.... he blames you for his depression? Absolutely fucking NOT. He may well have depression, yes. It is NO WAY your fault.

This will spiral, you only have to read in the news about abusive partners, their jealousy and how they treat their partners.

Do you have close friends or family you can confide in?

Dump him. Now.

He is abusive, aggressive and controlling. He calls you names. He tries to stop you doing normal things like clubbing and talking to boys that are friends.

A normal partner cares about how you feel and wants you to be happy and have fun.

He will only get worse. He is very manipulative to say your behaviour is making him depressed- this is designed to make you feel guilty and stop whatever behaviour he doesnt like.

'He is always trying to make you happy' - no he is not, calling them a whore doesnt make them happy, not wanting them to go out doesnt make them happy.

Your parents dont like him because of the way he treats you

The thing about good relationships, @NDynamite, is that they're pretty easy. There just isn't angst and tension and all the awful stuff you describe.

It's generally a bad sign of your friends and family don't like a boyfriend too. Especially if they all dislike him.

Please, please do not stay with this man, he's not treating you well and laming you for his issues.

This cannot get better, please listen to women with more experience, absolutely no-one has said that this is a good relationship, or even that it can get better.

You will feel like a weight has been lifted, I promise.

He's an abusive fucker who will only get worse.

Stop making excuses for him and get away from him as fast as you can.

You WILL thank yourself.

I'm going to take this apart piece by piece for you:

But he says that a lot of his depression is because of me
No. Just no. This an abusive tactic. Blame you for stuff you don't even have control over. Depression is caused by a serotonin imbalance in the brain. It is not something you personally can cause. And if he really sees that, and you're not doing it deliberately, then the relationship should end. That's not the case though as you sound like you genuinely do care for him. He's trying to guilt you into behaving in the way that he wants you to. Which means isolating you from friendsand family until, ultimately, you'll be entirely reliant on him for all your needs. And that is a terrifying position to be in and a terrifying person to be with.

He says he's insecure because he doesn't want me to leave him and that he really really loves me - almost too much. He says he writes cards for me and rips them up and writes them again and again because he wants to get them right
This is a load of shite right here and says more about him than it does you. He needs help to get over his insecurities and he's taking those insecurities out on you.

I've snuck into a couple of clubs before with my friends and he said when he saw the pictures it 'destroyed' him especially because one of his mates was there. I didn't know his friend was coming! We have a big group of friends and ended up at the same place! I barely spoke two words to him and tried explaining that but he sees it as some kind of betrayal
You are entitled to have friends. You are allowed to have a social life. You are allowed to grow as a person outside of your relationship. In fact, the healthiest relationship you can have is one that allows you to grow as a person outside of the relationship. It doesn't sound like you are allowed to do that.

He also blames me for going with 'someone else' to the prom last year. I asked him to go with me and he said no as he wanted to go to our friends (who is a girl) birthday, is already got a ticket so I went with two girl friends of mine. He seems to think I went and danced with boys all night so blames me for that
Seriously? Get over it. He said NO! It was a year ago. You can't go back and change that. What does he want you to do? Get in a time machine? How many times do you have to tell him you didn't cheat? How many times do you have to tell him that you love him? Because I can guarantee you will keep having to say the same thing over and over and defend yourself over and over even though you've done nothing wrong.

He says that he doesn't think I care how he feels which is disturbing because he thought that I love him. And that sometimes when he sees my name on his phone he's reduced to a 'nervous wreck' but I feel like that when I see his name! The way he describes me sometimes makes me feel like an evil person
Classic abuse. Place all the guilt and blame on you. You are the reason everything is wrong. You are the reason he has depression. You are the reason he gets angry. You are the reason he gets abusive. That leads to: You are the reason he hits you. You are the reason he punches you or slaps you.

I have honestly never ever cheated on him or lied to him in my life. I may be a bit selfish and unthinking sometimes, but he makes me feel as if I'm the worst person ever and that I should feel sorry all the time about how I am. He says he feels like a meaningless piece of shit
You are 17 years old. You have so much ahead of you. So many amazing experiences to have. So much!! This boy will drag you under. He will isolate you he will damage you psychologically and possibly physically. You already sound mentally battered.

Please, look through all that I have said and recognise, that lots of people here are talking from experience and want to save you the agony of reaching rock bottom with someone like this.

You are young and you should be care free, going out with mates, going for adventures and trips, you should be having a fucking amazing time discovering yourself right now. Instead this knobhead is dragging you down, making you anxious, chipping away at your self esteem, isolating you from friends and stopping you from being happy. And that last bit is the most important. You don't sound happy. Does he make you happy? Does he make you happy more than he makes you feel like shit? Because if you aren't happy, if you're worried every time he rings as to what mood he's in, if you're worried the time you spend with him is going to be ruined by his paranoia and insecurity... then you're not actually happy. And that is a good enough reason to end things.

I know that I'll sound like a patronising old lady in saying this, but you should also remember that you're 17 and in college. Nothing needs to be forever. Your whole life (and you) are going uk change in fundamental ways over the next few years. So you don't need to be worrying about whether there is 'a future' in relationships right now.

Yes. Some people do meet someone at 17 and stay together forever. But I bet their relationships were never the slog yours is.

If you'd have asked me at 17, if have been convinced that I was going to marry my then boyfriend and grow old with him. I was wrong. By the time we were 19, we were very different people. By 25 our lives had gone in very different directions. It's not a problem that it wasn't forever. It was right for me at the time, and that's what mattered.

He's abusive, manipulative and controlling. Dump him before he erodes your self esteem even more.

Oh OP, no no no no no. This is NOT how decent blokes behave. All this emotional blackmaily nonsense is just that, nonsense. Yes, him having been the victim of bullying is horrible, but that doesn't give him a free pass for being an abusive arsehole.