Who is in the wrong

[NDynamite]

Hi, I'm 17 but really wanted some advice about my boyfriend. We've been together about a year now, we're both at college together, but we argue all the time and I don't know how to make it stop.

He can be very quiet and reserved and a lot of my friends ask why I'm with him as I'm usually quite loud and like to joke around, but they don't really know what he's like in private. When it's just me and him he's really funny and we like a lot of the same things, I think he loves me a lot and I do love him too but I worry about a future with him.

He can get very jealous and insecure. He doesn't like me talking to any other boys ever, even if they are just random ones in my class. He has waited outside my classroom for me before and seen me chatting to one (we were just chatting about the coursework) and had a huge go at me afterwards.

When we argue we usually go to the common across from my college and he will get very angry. He shouts and screams in my face, he calls me a slut, fat (I'm size 6), ugly and a whore & says I'm cheating on him. I feel bad because I end up getting angry back at him because I know I haven't done anything wrong so I end up shouting back and saying mean things that I don't mean, there has been pushing and shoving too.

I really love him and I've asked him to stop mis-trusting me but this happens every single week and it's getting me down. I lost my virginity to him and my parents don't even like him, he barely says a word to them when he's met them because he's really shy.

He said he has problems with emotions and depression & says I am screwing him up. Am I? Am I a horrible person who's causing all this? I just want us to get along.

Stop marking excuses for him and finish it. Surround yourself with your friends and keep busy. Your young and have a your whole life to meet a decent boyfriend.

Making*

Frankly, the first time a man shouted and screamed in my face, called me a slut, fat, ugly and a whore and accused me of cheating on him just because I spoke to another bloke, said man would be out of my life for ever.

All the poems, love letters and cards are nothing more than attempts to manipulate you, as are the attempts to guilt-trip and emotionally blackmail you. Seriously, get him out of your life, and make sure you block him on every possible avenue of communication.

This is all quite overwhelming, I didn't think I was in an abusive relationship. I thought it was a two way street because I shout back at him and say horrible things to him too. I defend myself I don't see myself as weak.

No one else really knows the extent of the arguments. A couple of friends who have told me to end it. They've kind of got bored of it now as it's the same thing on repeat.

My parents would be horrified and I would feel ashamed if they saw me as a weak person. I always considered myself to be strong and smart

I know I need to listen to everyone and end it. I guess I do just feel partly to blame for it all... I believe him when he says I'm causing this and doing that etc. I don't know how he will take me ending things and nearly all friends are in relationships (with his friends) I will need to find new people to hang out with

It will be good for you to make new friends and break away from this abuser and his mates.

All the things he is doing and saying to you are classic abusive techniques, to keep you in thrall to him.

Run, run for the hills, and don't look back!

You need to really think about what you need right now I was you at that age I'm now mid 20s.

It got worse over the next few years he even destroyed all my college work day before a university interview.

He started threatening to kill himself if I tried to end it.
I felt trapped and started an emotional affair which lead to him beating me and it going to court and having to be moved somewhere new for my safety. I never ever thought he'd physically hurt me but in the end he did.

It ruined my education and I didn't pick it back up. Luckily settled down now and life is good.

Don't underestimate just how important these years are for you. I missed so much college because I had to stay with him after a row. No friends in the end. Not worth it trust me. You will move on as painful as it is these things always get worse the longer you stay.

I always considered myself to be strong and smart
Finding yourself in an abusive relationship does not mean that you are not strong or smart. The strongest and smartest of people can find themselves in these situations. It can happen to anyone. The important thing, once you've realised the situation, is to leave.

I will need to find new people to hang out with
Your real friends will stick with you and if they don't stick with you they are not your real friends.

and my parents don't even like him – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to your parents. They have the measure of him. My DD got into an abusive relationship at 17. Nothing I said helped but her friends stepped in and thank goodness she ended it.
But he says that a lot of his depression is because of me – Nope – it’s because of HIM!!! You cannot save him. You are not qualified in mental health (as far as I can tell). He needs to get himself some help.

You are very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do NOT have spend it with an abusive, controlling, manipulative wanker. He shouts in your face. Calls you vile names.
I’ve no idea how many red flags you need to see before you see sense.
But run – far and fast.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And when you get a chance call Womens Aid an enrole to do their Freedom Programme (Project). You can do it online for £12. You need to arm yourself with all the signals of red flags. You need to set YOUR own boundaries and not let people overstep them.
This man WILL turn violent over time. Do not be the next victim of DA. Don’t become that statistic.

Leave NOW!!!!!

My love, you are not weak because he shouts at you, you are not weak at all.

Being in an abusive relationship is not a comment on your strength, my best friend, who is an incredibly strong woman was in an abusive relationship at uni. She chose to leave it when he threw her downstairs, up until that point they'd just been shouting at each other.

But the arguments started about his attempts to control her behaviour, who she could go out with, how much she could drink, etc. He resorted to violence because she had the strength to stand up to his arguments. Fists are more difficult to stand up to.

You will not need to find new friends, tell your friends about his behaviour, ask for help and support, they'll be there for you.

I always considered myself to be strong and smart
Oh yeah - that's the challenge for him. To bring you down. To knock your self-esteem. To make you feel like shit. To make you feel like it's all your fault.

It's all part of abuse. Manipulation. Control.
They find strong women as massive challenge and just relish making you feel like this.

Your parents would be horrified if they knew you were putting up with this vile abuse from this vile creature.
Reach out to them. They will want to help you.
If they understand anything about abuse, they will not be ashamed. They will proud that you realised what it is and very proud that you managed to end it.

You got this.

The thing is, it doesn't really matter if you are partly to blame or not. Sometimes two people are both perfectly OK but should not be in a relationship with each other. You can ponder why these incidents happen, or whose fault it is, but the fact is that the two of you are not good together.

It doesn't matter how many good points he has. If he calls you fat, ugly, a slut, anything like that, he's disgusting.
Blaming his depression on you is ridiculous.
Accusing you of cheating constantly is pathetic.

Read some of the posts on here of women who've been stuck with abusive men for 20/30 years and think about what you want for yourself. Because he will definitely become one of those men.

Look after yourself.

Really hope you are reading these posts Op and taking them all in. It's really scary to realise that you are in an abusive relationship.

Please get help.

At 17 life should be fun. Dating should be exciting. You have the world at your feet and you are yet to have pressures such as paying rent/mortgage/household bills and coping with kids. If he is like this now when you still have relatively few pressures beyond your education and possibly learning to drive, can you imagine what he will be like in 10 years time if you were to stay with him, get a place with him and end up having his kids? He would be the sort of partner who never lets you go out with friends, probably expect you to do everything in the house along with working and childcare, blame you for his depression, any lack of success in his career etc and the pushing/shoving/anger will have almost certainly have escalated to the point where you get used as a punchbag regularly. Is that the sort of life you really want to end up living?
Please dump him sweetie. There's a reason why your parents don't like him. They can see him for what he is and what he is likely to become as he gets older. They are worried about you. You deserve better. You should be out with your friends regularly now having the time of your life. Possibly thinking about going travelling or doing whatever excites you in life. You deserve better than an abusive boyfriend who is only ever going to drag you down. As a mum of two, I'd be begging my kids to leave a boyfrien who behaves like this. This is not your fault. You have not caused his depression. You do not make him start shoving you and getting angry the way that he does. That is all stuff of his own control and he will never change while he blames you for everything. You deserve better than this boyfriend. Please, walk away now and focus on having fun with your friends before he pushes them all away from you.

Do not let him take away who you are. Do some reading of the links people have and arm yourself with knowledge about how abusive people operate.

Lots of strangers have been able to tell you about him from what you have said. They have been able to do this because abusers usually follow a pattern. Lots of women have posted that this was them at X age. It is not you. It is him and he is abusive. His mental health problems are his that he has to deal with. You are not responsible for him.

At 17 you should be able to go out all night with your mates and get plastered, have a laugh, chat with whoever you please. You should feel giddy in love with someone. You should not have to listen to someone putting you down all the time, shouting at you, pushing you. Relationships should make you feel loved and cared for and respected and special. If they don’t, you are allowed to end them. Please do some reading so you can spot red flags in the future. There are so many women on Mumsnet who have been in your position and can tell you how bad it can get. Take control of your life and live it for you!

OP, have you read the pinned post at the top of the relationships topic, called 'Right, Listen up everybody'?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

It is talking to you, and so many other women who have dealt with the same stuff - unfortunately your boyfriend is nothing special, he is behaving in exactly the same way as many, many other abusive men of all ages. None of this is your fault.

I have a 17-year-old DD and if she told me even two or three of the things you have said about your boyfriend, I would be getting her to read that post and then dump him.

You are not weak. Abusive men are often attracted to strong, smart, wonderful women because they want the good qualities those women have ... rather than realizing that those qualities have to come from inside yourself. You are obviously a lovely, caring person and you will come out even stronger and smarter because you will learn a lot from this experience. But I hope you'll get out of the relationship as soon as possible, before it becomes even more dangerous.

Educate yourself about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Much of the abuse is subtle and psychological and makes it very difficult to leave and to recognize what is happening to you. Please don't feel stupid, many of us have been in your position!

But please take care of yourself. It doesn't matter if you've shouted at him too. Don't bother engaging in back and forth arguing over who is in the right and who is in the wrong. Just detatch yourself from him as quickly as you can.

Oh my! I was you once. I didn't think it was "real" abuse because he had problems and surely abusive relationships only happened to "grown ups" who were married or living together? Not just loved up teenagers like me?

I was wrong. It was abuse. What you're experiencing is abuse.
I was with him between age 15 and 21.
I'm mid thirties now, older, wiser, happily married and a mother. I know a lot more about abusive relationships, but that knowledge has come at a high price - mental ill health, flashbacks, nightmares. Even now I'm supposedly a "proper" grown up with a house and kids and a husband and debt and all that other shite you have yet to come, and one nightmare about the cunt who abused me the same way your boyfriend is abusing you leaves me feeling 15 again.

Do. Not. Be. Me

Hi all, just an update from me: I took all your advice seriously and I broke up with him. He took it really badly... as in ran away from me down the street in front of cars. No one has seen him at college since and all his friends have said they haven't heard from him/ he won't answer them.

I blocked him on everything too and yesterday got a weird notification on Insta. When I went onto my message requests I saw all these messages from him from random accounts. He sounds like he's in a really bad way, talking about depression and being on anti depression tablets and throwing himself off a bridge... and begging for my help. I feel so so awful. I don't want him to do anything stupid, but I don't want to make things worse. Should I contact the Samaritans and tell them about him? How would that work? Do I just give them his name and a contact detail??

You need to leave him with it I'm afraid.

This bit is important though - make sure you tell friends and family about the break up and that he doesn't seem to have taken it well. Tell them you don't feel comfortable in his presence any more.

Make sure as often as possible you have somebody with you when out and about. I'm sure it will all blow over, but under no circumstances allow yourself to be alone with him. Based on what you've said he sounds unstable which could make him unpredictable. I don't want to scare you, but think of your safety at all times in case he turns into an obsessive nutcase. No need to be unkind to him, just cut all contact and don't be drawn into to chat, conversations or meeting.

No you call the police and tell them that he is threatening suicide, the police will do a welfare check if he is really suicidal (highly unlikely) they will take him to a hospital where he will get help.
I said its highly unlikely that he truly is suicidal as this is a very common threat/manipulation tactic of abusive men and the fact that he has previously used his mh to bully, guilt trip and manipulate you means that this is even more likely to be the case. Assuming that this is the case the police will have stern words with him about his behaviour, so for you it is a win win situation for you and it makes it clear to him that you are not going back.
And by the way you are being really brave and strong to leave him now so many older women don't have that strength, be proud of yourself

Do not go back! My suicidal ex is still alive 20 years later, it's a tactic. If you are genuinely concerned phone 101, they will check up on him, they can get him professional help, you are not responsible for what he does, it's always his choice and you are not qualified to help him if he needs it. This is classic abusive behaviour still.

Yeah, tell the police, your college tutor and your parents about the break up and his suicide threats. And then step away.

I was worried about that. Why does it always seem to work on me, why can't I just be cold-hearted about it. There's hundreds of messages and they have scared me a bit tbh... I do think it is obsessive. Loads of random memories of things we've done together and things about me. (Even the brand of cream I use ) He's alluded that he sits there staring at pictures/videos and getting upset. I asked him to delete everythign when I ended it so he clearly hasn't. He also asked to meet up with me... he's begged for it actually. Obviously I never would, especially after what you've all said. And some of them vear on the angry side like he can't believe how heartless I am and he hopes no one ever treats me the way I've treated him