Who is in the wrong

[NDynamite]

Hi, I'm 17 but really wanted some advice about my boyfriend. We've been together about a year now, we're both at college together, but we argue all the time and I don't know how to make it stop.

He can be very quiet and reserved and a lot of my friends ask why I'm with him as I'm usually quite loud and like to joke around, but they don't really know what he's like in private. When it's just me and him he's really funny and we like a lot of the same things, I think he loves me a lot and I do love him too but I worry about a future with him.

He can get very jealous and insecure. He doesn't like me talking to any other boys ever, even if they are just random ones in my class. He has waited outside my classroom for me before and seen me chatting to one (we were just chatting about the coursework) and had a huge go at me afterwards.

When we argue we usually go to the common across from my college and he will get very angry. He shouts and screams in my face, he calls me a slut, fat (I'm size 6), ugly and a whore & says I'm cheating on him. I feel bad because I end up getting angry back at him because I know I haven't done anything wrong so I end up shouting back and saying mean things that I don't mean, there has been pushing and shoving too.

I really love him and I've asked him to stop mis-trusting me but this happens every single week and it's getting me down. I lost my virginity to him and my parents don't even like him, he barely says a word to them when he's met them because he's really shy.

He said he has problems with emotions and depression & says I am screwing him up. Am I? Am I a horrible person who's causing all this? I just want us to get along.

Hundreds of messages?!?!

I'll repeat - tell the police, your college tutor and your parents about the break up and his suicide threats. And then step away.

Please do it now.

That's not normal and this lad could become a safeguarding problem very quickly.

It's harassment.

Firstly, your latest update - this is classic manipulation. This is what an abuser does when they realise they're losing their grip on you. You ending it with him has made him realise he is losing/lost you so now he's doing this to make you worry so that you'll keep in contact with him. Next thing will be telling you he can't live without you and to please give him another chance, he'll change and he'll sort his mental health out, blah blah blah. Please, please don't listen to him, it's bullshit.

I actually wanted to cry reading all of your replies. All the making excuses for him and 'oh he's not that bad, I'm not perfect either' etc etc - it's textbook for an abusive relationship. Absolutely none of this is your fault but I promise you one thing - he will never change, and if you stay with him you will have this for life and it WILL get worse. It might feel painful to break up with him but that's nothing compared to the pain you'll endure if you stay with him.

I can pretty much guarantee his threats to harm himself aren't genuine however if you're concerned you could let his friends know. But it's absolutely none of your concern any more, keep him blocked on everything. If you feel tempted to message him, post here instead.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to scare you. It's just your post really really got me. My old best friend could have written your post. We were 17 when she met someone just like your boyfriend. He was awful. The same sort of thing - accusing her of cheating, going mad if she went out wearing revealing clothes, etc. I tried to tell her what he was really like. In the end we stopped being friends because he didn't like me (because he knew that I knew what an abusive shit he was) so in the end she had to stop seeing me as it wasnt worth the shit she got from him afterwards. Unfortunately she was never strong enough to break up with him - she ended up marrying him. We're in our 30s now and I see her occasionally, she is completely fucking miserable and says she wishes she'd been strong enough back then to see what he was like. Oh and by the way, she still gets constantly accused of cheating - but HE cheats on her! You couldn't make this shit up.

Please tell people in real life about this and get some support. I'll be thinking about you a lot, and I really hope you come back to update us on how you're doing x

Glad you got rid. Dont answer any messages. If he phones/text/messages on social media block him straight away. If this carries on phone the police and report him. He sounds obsessed with you.

Definitely call the police, hundreds of messages from multiple accounts is harassment and really quite worrying. Please also tell your friends, family and collage.
I don't want to scare you but abusers are at their most dangerous when their victims leave. Be careful and as pp said think about your safety first.

All of that is designed for you to feel bad and take him back DO NOT and do not engage with him.

Do exactly what the above two PP suggest. Make it clear that everyone knows and if you do want to do something tell the police. However remember he is 17 there are other people who are responsible for him. YOU are not

Tell the police and don't engage with him at all - if he's been sending these messages for months then he obviously hasn't done himself any damage. He sounds completely deranged. This is not your problem.

Be honest - wasn't it a relief when you dumped him? Felt like a weight lifted from your shoulders? Don't you dare go back there!

Stand firm. Previous poster told you to expect suicide threats so you know it's all part of the scrip these sort follow.

Speak to the police and they can check up on him. But keep him blocked. You would be wise to stop reading his messages as he is trying every manipulation under the sun and quite frankly you'll feel better not to see it.

Be prepared for mutual acquaintances to come to you in future telling you how sad he seems or that he appears really sorry and that you should give him another chance. He is manipulating them too.

It would be wise to find new friends but if you do keep any, make sure they know it was a 'toxic' relationship and you want nothing more to do with him - so don't want to hear about him.

Talk to your parents about things. Or speak to women's aid or your college guidance councillor. The more people you tell,the more voices there are to say 'this isn't your fault'.

You could also watch vloggers about narcissistic abuse such as Melanie Tonia Evans on YouTube. Seeing the script these sort follow and hearing it from others that have been there will help.

Google 'gaslighting' too as he was doing this to you.

Stay strong missus, you are deserving of love and kindness. He is a cold dark thing that can only ever take.

I had an ex do this.

He cheated on me. Compulsive liar for months. Nothing was the truth.

I ended it. The he bombarded me with texts and phone calls at 3am, begging for me to give him another chance.
When that didnt work he threatened suicide so I called his bluff. He didnt do it.

Finally, the threat of reporting him to police if he contacted me again did it. I was lucky.

You MUST report to police. You just document what he has done so far. You must keep a log of what he continues to do and ring 111 every single time he contacts you. That way they can keep it on their record too.

Dont respond. If you feel you must, send s clear, non emotional text saying politely to please stop contacting you. Tell him you have logged everything with the police and any further contact will be reported to police again. Then re-block.

Isn’t this coercive control ??? Please leave him pronto

It's like abusers have all been given a manual that they follow. You're not responsible for how he feels, he is. How horrible is it to threaten suicide in order to make someone feel guilty? I was in an abusive relationship age 16-20.

OP, I'm glad you split up. A relationship should make your life better than it would be if you were single. It should never make it worse. Ask yourself if you'd accept similar behaviour from a female friend and if you wouldn't, there's your answer.

Here's a book called 'Why Does He Do That?' It's worth a read. Abusers are just abusers because they want to control people so their life is how they like it. They'll use anything they can to suck people in.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Please my love. Finish with him - your future self will thank you. I've going through something similar (although we are much much older than you) and I wish I had finished with my DH when he first started doing this instead of marrying him and having a family.

You don't have to put up with this and it will only get worse. Don't let him drag you down as it will start to affect your self esteem and your confidence and your mental health and happiness. You deserve so much more. Don't get trapped.

Good luck xx

Just seen your update OP and well done for being brave.

My DH has done this. Going awol and being dramatic to emotionally manipulate you, including threats of suicide. I agree you should tell your parents and police but also then disengage- remain strong, don't be made to feel guilty or go back to him out of sympathy. He will only get worse x. Hugs. X

No one who really truly loves you would scream in your face, insult you and push you.
Listen to all of us here.
Get out while you can.

You will have no one on here telling you his behaviour is normal or acceptable - because it’s neither. Actually, your updates suggest he’s obsessive and controlling. His mental health difficulties and history of being bullied are possible underlying factors here, but they are NOT excuses or justifications for how he treats you. This will not improve. The controlling behaviour will get worse. Learn from this and move on; if you see anything like this from a partner in future, run. Consider doing the Freedom Programme. Keep yourself safe at all costs. If you have a trusted tutor, talk to them. If you feel you have a good relationship with your parents, talk to them (they don’t like your bf because he treats you badly and makes you unhappy).

Well done OP for leaving this abusive controlling young man. You really are brave and strong and you should be proud of yourself. He is a bad person and is continuing to show you how bad he is by harassing you.

Block him, don't read his deranged messages and never ever meet him.
Stay strong little sister - you are doing really well.

Call the police OP, if he is threatening suicide then he needs dealing with by professionals.

If he's threatening to kill himself etc., then he's seriously ill and having his girlfriend back is not going to cure him. You aren't God, you can't save this guy from his own nonsense.

Don't be drawn in by this bullshit. I was, I married him, I'm now divorced and have nightmares about him. Don't be me. Wishing you the best x

A million well dones for breaking up with him! You will genuinely look back on this in a couple of years time and think "Phew, dodged that bullet!".

I agree with the others wholeheartedly - he's desperately trying to manipulate you by any means necessary. Please DO NOT ENGAGE.

I unfortunately got mixed up with someone of this type very fleetingly... I tried being nice initially after ending things, and quickly had to move to being very firm and asking him to leave me alone. I realised quickly that it didn't matter what I said or how I said it, any form of reply from me at all was fuelling him and him contacting me. I was on edge - just waiting for my phone to go and it flared my anxiety massively. I had to completely disengage, ignore and then block him everywhere - social media, his number, on WhatsApp... Everything. He still tried to contact me for months under various guises with various seemingly innocent excuses, but petered out after months of absolute radio silence from me.

If you are worried, don't contact him directly. Calling his bluff either by logging a welfare check via the non-emergency number or the pastoral care at your college (he goes there too, right?) might prove a bit more "serious" and give him a dose of reality, rather than you mentioning to friends and him then getting a kick out of you worrying and having them check on him for you.

Best of luck, you absolutely are doing the right thing and you need to keep it up. You have so many things to look forward to without the shadow of this worrying lad looming over you.