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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Those of you whose husbands have used prostitutes ...

111 replies

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/11/2019 05:08

How active is/was your sex life before you found out? Be absolutely honest.

1 x week?
1 x month?

I am asking because today: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/stuck-sexless-marriage-should-put-should-cheat/?li_source=LI&li_medium=li-recommendation-widget

It has generated a huge number of comments [wow] so has clearly struck a nerve.

Men who feel their wives do not give them enough sex.
Their solution is prostitutes. Poster after poster, suggesting escorts.

I'm a bit depressed now. I will c&p some of the comments to show what I mean.

OP posts:
VinnieMoBatz · 21/08/2024 04:15

Me too, but from a man’s perspective, I think it would be hot. I’d love to see my wife with another man, or have her tell me about.

It’s called a Hotwife and it’s, er, hot.

But if a guy can’t handle that, then yes, I agree, that’s a double standard.

Garlicfest · 21/08/2024 04:34

Sadiesnakes · 04/11/2019 08:24

The type of men that use prostitutes will use them whether they get sex at home or not.
It's a totally selfish transaction, and the real reason for it is variety.

I don't think XH2 had a 'reason'. It was something he did, like a hobby or a special interest. He certainly couldn't say he wasn't having regular sex; it was the only indisputably good thing about our marriage - plus I have every reason to believe he had other relationships on the go!

We do underestimate the power of testosterone, I suspect. The gay male scene shows us what unopposed testosterone likes to do. But men can choose not to act on it inappropriately - they're just being selfish.

Omlettes · 21/08/2024 06:57

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/11/2019 05:08

How active is/was your sex life before you found out? Be absolutely honest.

1 x week?
1 x month?

I am asking because today: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/stuck-sexless-marriage-should-put-should-cheat/?li_source=LI&li_medium=li-recommendation-widget

It has generated a huge number of comments [wow] so has clearly struck a nerve.

Men who feel their wives do not give them enough sex.
Their solution is prostitutes. Poster after poster, suggesting escorts.

I'm a bit depressed now. I will c&p some of the comments to show what I mean.

Of all the papers, the Telegraph consistently has the most sexist misogynistic comments by a country mile.
Worse even than the DM.
I refuse to read them now, its not worth my mental health.

Omlettes · 21/08/2024 06:59

Garlicfest · 21/08/2024 04:34

I don't think XH2 had a 'reason'. It was something he did, like a hobby or a special interest. He certainly couldn't say he wasn't having regular sex; it was the only indisputably good thing about our marriage - plus I have every reason to believe he had other relationships on the go!

We do underestimate the power of testosterone, I suspect. The gay male scene shows us what unopposed testosterone likes to do. But men can choose not to act on it inappropriately - they're just being selfish.

We also massively overestimate mens sex drive, part of the advertising wevve been sold..

Deathraystare · 21/08/2024 08:36

birdsdestiny ·
Screaming, I would no more live my life based on the c of e teachings on the subject of women than I would fly to the moon.

Absa-bloody-lutely!!!!

HazelPlayer · 21/08/2024 09:07

about unbearable testosterone is, and how it just doesn't leave you alone until you have had sex

They clearly are missing both hands too, poor guys.

Celibacy, abstaining (even if you were not single), and masturbation have been very common in human history. Probably way more common (except for the rich & privileged, for whom things were very different than for the vast majority of the population) - than regular, unfettered sexual activity.

This entitlement to sex, fuelled by watching porn, is a recent and - in history - unprecedented within relationships.

People didn't have reliable contraception.

Some people never married and it wasn't the norm to have sex outside marriage.

A swathe of the population lived as monks and nuns. Their numbers used to be vast compared to today's numbers.

Prostitute use would have been very limited. To large cities (most of the population was in countryside until the industrial revolution) to armed forces who had prostitutes "follow" them/be brought up them by "whoremongers", and to (in countries it happened in) travelling fairs that had sex workers.

Those using prostitutes & having sex outside marriage were willing to both break religious laws (which had much more influence and power than now) and risk (then) incurable, deadly stds like syphlis.

For people who did have partners, just like today, penetrative sex would have been affected by child bearing, birth injuries, childcare, sex drives, illness, work burdens etc. etc. In Victorian times half the women worked outside the home in laborious, relentless jobs like domestic service and later factories (that didn't have our nice working time directives), most men were working serious hours too, they often shared bedrooms with kids - there was little privacy, next time no alone time etc.

These men are living in cloud cuckoo land.
Fuelled by porn.

Their entitlement and lack of realism and tolerance is stratospheric.

There is also, as posters have pointed out, the underlying view of women as service providers.

HazelPlayer · 21/08/2024 09:20

The gay male scene shows us what unopposed testosterone likes to do.

Gay men are just like straight men - they vary in their sex drives and inclinations.

I knew a gay couple and one half seemed to have a high sex drive, but he described the other as having "the sex drive of a giant panda".

They were apart quite a lot due to work, and most importantly they didn't even have penetrative sex. He said neither enjoyed being on the receiving end of it, and they "did other things".

Plus we tend to look at the gay scene and ignore the fact that heterosexual people are hooking up, having ONS's, shagging around etc every night of the week (but especially the weekend), on holidays, though Tinder and other hook up & dating sites etc etc. There are a reasonable amount of people who swing, dog etc. There is also generally a significant amount of cheating going on, apparently half the population has cheated after one time or another.

The male gay scene, due to them having to identify themselves/group separately from the mainstream hetero population, manifests differently but I personally would not discount just how much shagging heterosexual people do in comparison!

Fahran · 21/08/2024 09:20

Lionel12 · 07/02/2023 13:42

What the hell does whatever newspaper u read have to do with this subject? I know class is an obsession in the UK and dictates who u vote for but this is ridiculous.

What made you drag up a thread from 2019?

Garlicfest · 21/08/2024 18:42

The male gay scene, due to them having to identify themselves/group separately from the mainstream hetero population, manifests differently but I personally would not discount just how much shagging heterosexual people do in comparison!

You may have missed my point, @HazelPlayer - how much shagging heterosexual MEN do. It's not about being gay, it's about being male! The gay male 'scene' is hyperactive because it's all men, all with male sexual behaviours.

Het guys in mixed clubs and dating apps, etc, don't see anywhere near as much action. They might be able to approximate it with a lot of social, emotional and financial effort - but that's already chalk compared to cheese. Het men fantasise about the instant fuck with a beautiful, unknown woman. They're lucky if they get that once or twice in a lifetime.

The real effects of testosterone are competitiveness and impulsiveness, not randiness (or aggression, fwiw). Women are just as easily aroused as men but significantly less impulsive. Any bloke with normal mental faculties can manage impulse control. They just prefer not to.

HazelPlayer · 25/08/2024 11:40

Het guys in mixed clubs and dating apps, etc, don't see anywhere near as much action.

It depends if by action you mean amount of sex with a few people or number of people you have sex with.

I think het men who are good at pulling see plenty of action, but with a lower number of partners. It's not necessary less sex, just not with as many people.

Then there's all the cheating going on ...about 50% of the population apparently.

I also think there's a huge difference between the prospects of het men who are perceived as high status and those who are not. Those with perceived high status do very "well". Probably as well as an average gay guy doing the clubs etc.
That's borne out by dating apps stats, and that it was the same or even more extreme in the ancient past is borne out by DNA/anthropological research (the vast minority of men fathered the vast majority of children, the majority of men didn't reproduce).

There is also sex worker use to factor in

Anyway I wholeheartedly agree with your point re excuses being used for male poor behaviour citing testosterone etc.

PickledKT · 06/09/2024 03:48

i found some shocking exchanges with my husband and an escort a few years ago, it took me years to trust him again. I went psycho for 3 years! I also found that he was on a site called "shag a stranger.com" and he was using this with locals while i was at work.

there is a happy ending here.... excuse the pun 😂

we have sex all the time and we always have done. Really good freaky sex with lots of dirty talk.

in his case it was the thrill of being bad and doing something naughty! I know he loves what we have and I love it too!

we now engage in inviting female escorts into our married life. When we go on work trips away on holiday!

its so much fun and we both enjoy it!

after i got over the angry stage of 3 years and i could see he was making efforts to constantly reassure me and every time i checked his phone / search history / hidden apps etc. i started to get curious and the first time we did it, i suprised him with a massage for 2 but with happy endings in barcelona

myself and 2 stunning ladies well truly took advantage of him and if i am honest it was the best day of my life!

i dont know if he will ever go off and do this on his own again - to be honest i am at peace with it.

men think with their dicks end off and i do not think its done out of malice - i think 90% of men do this - i researched for years trust me

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