Those of you whose husbands have used prostitutes ...

[ScreamingLadySutch]

How active is/was your sex life before you found out? Be absolutely honest.

1 x week?
1 x month?

I am asking because today: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/stuck-sexless-marriage-should-put-should-cheat/?li_source=LI&li_medium=li-recommendation-widget

It has generated a huge number of comments [wow] so has clearly struck a nerve.

Men who feel their wives do not give them enough sex.
Their solution is prostitutes. Poster after poster, suggesting escorts.

I'm a bit depressed now. I will c&p some of the comments to show what I mean.

@PositiveVibez "So you didn't want to be coerced into sex every 2 days, so it's a truth that prostitutes are a viable option????

What a crock of shit. "

This is called 'So what you are saying is"

DO NOT tell me what I am saying. I am perfectly capable of articulating my own position.

There is zero coercion in sex with someone you love and desire. Sex is wonderful and I never knowingly said no. Just putting that one to bed.

I think that a relationship is meeting someone half way. There are two people in the marriage, and if they say they need more sex...

don't you think we should LISTEN? We can't refuse to listen, shame - and then get very upset to discover they use sex workers; IF they are not able to love their wives regularly!

That is why I asked the question. It has been answered truthfully by exactly 1 person.

PS we ML 2-3 times a week and he still cheated. Just so you know I dont' have a dog in this fight.

I 'caught' my Ex-but not for 2 years into his weekly meet up with a Prostitute - same one every time having trialled many others apparently but settling on this one in particular as he enjoyed the familiarity and guaranteed result...he had the nerve to describe the numerous (about 20) initial candidates as 'wooden' and much prefers a certain type....so he stuck with her.

During this 2 years of him rejecting any advances I made, he would tell me he just has no desire or sex drive anymore but 'still loves me'

I thought it must be all my 'fault' as I must have been undesirable (I know and knew I was not btw but as he was working hard was stressed and was committed to his job) so I let it go and actually did enjoy our life together. He always had 'one night in town in a hotel' because of a fixed 5am start every Thursday. He did always tell me where he was staying so in an emergency I could get hold of him. He also told me his phone would be off so as not to be disturbed by colleagues, but to ask for him at reception in event of a problem.

I found out his dirty little secret when, he was on a period of garden leave between jobs and had to not work for 4 months- She was clearly missing her weekly money, so texted him to ask where he had gone and so it went on from there, me seeing the text, me asking for the truth, it taking 2 months to reveal....

Once revealed, Ex maintained he loved me BUT cant 'do' intimacy and this Prostitute would never ask to kiss or demand his interest in her in any way aside from shagging - AND - he just laid back and enjoyed it with no obligation to return the favour.

I actually demanded to meet her - which I did and we got on fantastically!!! I was horrified at how little he was paying her but I did establish just how terrible he was 'at it' she after all is a professional and had a valid opinion!!

Once established that he was a misogynistic shit, I got a very helpful lawyer and am now very very happy thank you - living alone - 2 grown up sons who are wonderful- and just a sense of pity for my sad Ex who is still very very sad indeed and very much alone....a LONG story cut short here but certainly provided me with an insight into some reason as to why.

I cant imagine why I didn't recognise the problems before this happened but then love is utterly blind and I was 100% committed..

Men like this do not change - they are simply not capable and once they have a taste of paid sex, there is no recovery. Being in control, paying for sexual release and telling her when to go away - was a heady mix....no chance either of her bugging him asking for flowers or smart meals or weekends together......so actually, she did rather spoil it in the end by asking him where he had got to!!

"We never had sex less than once a month at any point,"

That is way too little.

Not when, in those 3 years, you've had two c-sections, been through two pregnancies - the first one complicated - and breastfed for a total of 2 years.

What I mean is even after the sections, the first it was less than a month, the second it was 2 weeks. That means that even at the height of sleepless nights or massive pregnancy bump it was 3-4 weeks MAX. The rest of the time is was much more.

I dare you on a parenting site to say that is too little.

Just reread your comment OP, sorry, jumped down your throat there.

@Claricethecat45, brilliant post. Another person said that (he prefers distance sex) and that THEY were the rejected ones!.

No probs Cranky, but I must tell you that I bf 3 children for 2 years (6 in all) and once the 6 weeks post birth ended, I did negotiate to meet him halfway, even though I didn't feel like it at all. Nothing KY jelly and telling him not to prolong his stay couldn't sort out!

Sex is a funny thing. The more you do it, the more you want to do it.

I think married men especially turn to prostitution because, in the vast majority of cases, they're the ones that will come out on the bad end of a divorce court (in terms of access to kids and financially).

Using a prostitute is very low emotional investment. Fewer dates, fancy dinners or hotel and someone who doesn't care enough to try to torpedo your marriage in the hopes that you'll go to her after.

Just because you're paying someone for sex, it doesn't mean you have to treat them badly any more than you'd treat a massage therapist badly. Sugar babies are essentially a FWB that a man can sort of trust to keep things discrete due to the veneer of a business transaction.

I know personally of one girl in her 20s whose "boyfriend" is a guy who started of as one of multiple men who was paying her for sex (and dates). Very typically white, middle class and degree-educated. She was just making a lot of money for little enjoyable work (these men were taking her on trips that she'd have had no chance of paying for herself, on top of a few for spending time with them).

coppied from another thread on here, but makes valid points I think, I myself are in a sexless marriage, the feeling of rejection has worn me down, so do I stay and live under her terms or do I leave and try to start again.
Am I really going to leave over ‘sex’? Can’t I just take a cold shower and get over myself? Is it that important? Am I some kind of sex-mad perv? Perhaps my partner is right when they say ‘nobody else our age is doing it either’? Perhaps I should settle for no sex, rather than rock the boat and upset everyone else? Won’t I look really shallow if people hear why I left? Everything else in the relationship is ‘okay’, so can’t I just do without sex?
A sort of imposed victim-blaming.
The trouble is, sex and intimacy is something to be shared. It isn’t passive, or one-sided. It’s not something that one party can half-participate in as a compromise. For many, it is like food. It’s needed regularly and without it, the relationship will die. After all, what differentiates you as couple from any other two people who know each other? You trust each other and share fun. Well that could be a friend. You live together and have joint responsibilities for bills and chores. Well, that could be a flatmate. But intimacies and sex? Well, that’s lovers, partners, and married couples.
That’s when the resentment and anger starts to surface. When you realise the senses of rejection, loneliness, belittling, minimising, ridicule, shame, depression, etc. are all being imposed on you by your partner. That they don’t actually care for you anywhere near as much as you’ve given them

“Just because you're paying someone for sex, it doesn't mean you have to treat them badly any more than you'd treat a massage therapist badly.”

Utter bollocks. That’s just what these men like to tell themselves to make themselves feel better about the transaction. If they’re paying for access to a woman’s body they don’t have any concern for meaningful consent or for their sexual partner’s genuine pleasure. It doesn’t make a difference if the woman herself enjoys it or whatever - the point is that if he is paying then the man has no way of knowing for sure, so he at best he is a selfish arsehole for going ahead.

It doesn’t make a difference if the woman herself enjoys it or whatever - the point is that if he is paying then the man has no way of knowing for sure

You can't know for sure how anyone feels about anything. People have sex for all sorts of reasons. Money is one, even when it's not expressly changing hands for that purpose and escorts are able to refuse clients of they prefer.

What would you define as "meaningful consent"?

I’m not about to make anyone feel ok about paying for access to someone else’s body, sorry. This isn’t up for debate on my part, sorry

I would call it rape if that's any help.

There are numerous posts on Relationships where it is the man who has a low sex drive and has stopped wanting sex. Low male sex drive is pretty common and rarely discussed in mainstream media, IMO.

My ex had a porn addiction. He never had any money and I could never fathom out why. It turned out he was paying for porn, around £100 a month, but that still didn't add up.

I'd snooped on his Google history and he'd often look up really random addresses around London, like a laundry shop 15 miles away... I now believe he visited prostitutes or was at least looking them up.

He was very selfish in bed, no matter how much I spiced things up and how he reckoned I was the best person he'd slept with. Urgh. I'm stopping there, it's opening up cans of worms I no longer need to open.

I think it's complicated. Imo sex is something that two people enjoy together, it is not and should never be one person servicing the other. Of all the issues in my long marriage, sex was never one of them but perhaps that is unusual. I think the problem occurs when a couples sex drives are mismatched and I don't think there is really any easy solution to that. Op I think your dh is spinning you a yarn with his two day thing, surely masterbation would solve the testosterone issue. Lots of men are single and seem to manage, even in days gone by when sex outside marriage was a no no.

Yes, the idea the wife should be servicing the husband regardless of her own feelings is grotesque and dates from a time when a wife was a possession who vowed to obey. It’s not fit for the modern world.

'We can't refuse to listen, shame - and then get very upset to discover they use sex workers; IF they are not able to love their wives regularly!'

It sounds like you're blaming yourself and/or other women, for husbands using prostitutes.

Most men (I hope!) manage to avoid cheating on their wives with prostitutes, no matter how much or little sex they're having at home. So it's down to these men that they used them. It wasn't inevitable- it was their choice.

I was a sex worker, and it was always that the wife doesn’t have enough sex.

They would say that wouldn’t they.

They’re not going to say - ‘I’m unattractive so the only way to get young fit women to have sex with them is to pay them’, or ‘paying for sex turned me on and made me feel powerful and I generally feel quite insecure and inadequate.’

I actually demanded to meet her - which I did and we got on fantastically!!! I was horrified at how little he was paying her but I did establish just how terrible he was 'at it' she after all is a professional and had a valid opinion!!

🤣👍🏼

Most men (I hope!) manage to avoid cheating on their wives with prostitutes, no matter how much or little sex they're having at home.

Of course they do. They just cheat with women they're not paying. Either that or complain about how their wives won't have sex with them. Those two topics combined probably make up a good 40% of the topics on this board (and you probably get another 10% from the wives complaining about their husbands using porn).

I agree that you they can't and shouldn't be able to demand sex from their wives but there are very few men who are just going to sit there with a smile on their face. With the way relationships and divorce works out, it's a lot easier for most men to stay married if they care about their children and/or being comfortable financially.

Any adult with eyes can see that there's a stark difference between men and women when it comes to how they generally relate to sex and it's something that has to be taken into consideration for any relationship to work.

The type of men that use prostitutes will use them whether they get sex at home or not.

Completely agree with this. The whole testosterone buildup thing is such a load of bollocks (ha!)...all.men presumably experience aching balls at times in life but so many of them DON'T choose to go the escort route and to me that's the most interesting thing. Conversely a man can be having hot, adventurous sex daily at home and still use escorts on the occasional night out of town - as my partner did, in between sending me pics of his knob. He said it made him feel like 'the master of his own destiny'. Yuk basically.
I've actually got no strong opinion on people paying for sex as a general thing but i think the factors that determine who would and who wouldn't are complicated, they're not just 'gagging for it' and to say this is lazy thinking.

With the way relationships and divorce works out, it's a lot easier for most men to stay married

Well, such is life, sometimes we have to make decisions like that. Divorce isn’t easy for anybody but it’s still the option I’d pick if I was stuck in a sexless marriage for life. Certainly wouldn’t consider myself entitled to pay someone else for use of their body because it works out cheaper for me than ending the marriage does.

Every married man I've ever met as a sex worker blames the wife.

Also the consent thing is ridiculous. If you're not a sex worker and haven't spent time with a variety of us you dont know anything about being a sex worker.

I'm perfectly capable of giving or withdrawing consent and do so on a regular basis. I dont need the money I do it because I get off on being paid to act a certain way and tbh I love having money I can go out and spend on make up knowing these idiot men are breaking their backs working for it every day.

Most of them are screwing the trans prostitutes too. The search results wont come up on a lot of websites because of security measures to protect against the minority of men who used to stumble across TW and harass them in daily life.

'Any adult with eyes can see that there's a stark difference between men and women when it comes to how they generally relate to sex and it's something that has to be taken into consideration for any relationship to work.'

Yes but no way should women feel obliged to have sex of any kind they don't want, coerced etc. To me this is where women's rights should push these days- no way should women feel they have to have unwanted sex and feel pressure to do it. I personally find that this is still happening in society in so many ways, disgusting.

I've been on the receiving end and it was shit. And blokes do have a choice not to cheat, not to pressurise their wives etc. I doubt trying to make women feel they have to have unwanted sex works in the long run anyway- it certainly shouldn't be that women feel they have to put up with it for life. Those days should be gone.

I have my own feelings about what I'm happy with a bloke I'm with doing if he wants more sex than I can give (being pressure/coerced is something I hope I will never stand for again.) Personally I wouldn't mind the bloke having sex with other people- it'd take the pressure off me. I had a lover who wanted something very hard work, gross and time consuming from sex, due to health problems he had that effected his sexual response. I did end up telling him he should see a sex worker. He didn't want to though- he wanted me, bless him!

I suppose it might be a deal breaker at the end of the day, if someone's partner is dissatisfied. But as you say, although some women claim to have a really high libido, with most men and women the guy is far hornier than the woman. So even if the bloke leaves his wife over it, he might find any new partner he has ends up much the same sexually after the initial honeymoon period.

Too Long; Don't Read- conclusion=masturbation is a thing :)

Basically, don’t get married because men are not capable of being faithful. I think that’s what these people are saying.