Those of you whose husbands have used prostitutes ...

[ScreamingLadySutch]

How active is/was your sex life before you found out? Be absolutely honest.

1 x week?
1 x month?

I am asking because today: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/stuck-sexless-marriage-should-put-should-cheat/?li_source=LI&li_medium=li-recommendation-widget

It has generated a huge number of comments [wow] so has clearly struck a nerve.

Men who feel their wives do not give them enough sex.
Their solution is prostitutes. Poster after poster, suggesting escorts.

I'm a bit depressed now. I will c&p some of the comments to show what I mean.

but there is a story behind every man in these situations

Yeah, but it always ends with "...and that is why I felt entitled to buy a woman to fuck," so limited sympathy here tbh.

I know a guy who sleeps with prostitutes because he and enjoys it.

A friend, even though i cant respect him as such does because he no longer has a sex life with his wife.
As an actor said, i don’t pay for her to stay, i pay for her to leave.
In his case, no messy emotions, minimal chance of getting found out and he doesn't want to give his wife the satisfaction of taking him to the cleaners. For some reason I cant fathom, he wont leave her.

That is actually laid down in the (rather beautiful) introduction to the old CofE marriage ceremony. So a wife who isn't up for it IS breaking the agreement.
I believe this commitment applies equally to the husband, it is estimated that in 30% of long term m/f relationships the woman has the higher sex drive. Interestingly though, these high drive wives rarely turn to using sex workers.

he doesn't want to give his wife the satisfaction of taking him to the cleaners. For some reason I cant fathom, he wont leave her.

But you've just said his reason in the previous sentence

"Interestingly though, these high drive wives rarely turn to using sex workers."

I would never condone it, but to be absolutely fair, most women wouldn't have to turn to prostitution, in order to gain no-strings-attached sex...

In the five years my ex was using prostitutes I was pregnant with and birthed his two children, then breastfed each for a year. We never had sex less than once a month at any point, but of course we weren't at it the same way we had been before kids. I mean what the fuck was he expecting?? He was at least as eager as me to have children, I mean what did he think it would be like in those early days? Nothing would have to change? Not even for a minute?? It's not like I was able to be the sexed up love kitten I might want to be either but I put that temporarily on the back burner for us and our family, I thought that's what he had done too. Nope! He thought he could play the doting daddy at home and still get to be a sex mad man-child in private and nobody would get hurt; he'd be winning at life; he'd be a great father and partner and he wouldn't have to make any sacrifices at all!

And THAT is why he's a twat. He thought he could cheat his way out of the hardships of relationships and families in a way that I - carrying and feeding his children - couldn't. What I thought we were going through together I went through alone. I was the only one paying a price for our family, and not just the price of my sexual self - of losing that piece of myself and fighting to get it back, not just for me but for US - but also the price of the relationship on which the whole thing was built. The love I thought made it all worth while.

That cunt can burn in hell.

Correction; he wasn't using prostitutes the whole 5 years, it only started when I got pregnant with our first and lasted about 3 years, ending when I found out when our second was around 6 months.

A lot of men, A LOT, honestly believe sex is their god given right. Instead of ending a relationship, they turn to sex workers/have affairs. It's vile, it's disgusting, and it's not surprising. Men are very predictable.

Considering how many women are trafficked into the sex work trade, any man that uses sex workers are vile scum imo.

Well, to be fair, if I wouldn't get enough sex in marriage, I'd look elsewhere. Also, I'd look elsewhere if my partner would get fat and would refuse to do anything about it. I'm myself thin, I like slim men and wouldn't be able to have sex with a fat or overweight one, no attraction. I wouldn't cheat, however. I'd split and find another one (or several).

I don't see why the standards should be different with men. They're also entitled to sex lives, and they cannot force themselves to fancy their wives if they became fat. I wouldn't, so why should they.

' I DO believe what one of the comments of the men said, about unbearable testosterone is, and how it just doesn't leave you alone until you have had sex.'

There's this thing called masturbation, I've heard it can come in handy ;) No-one ever died from lack of sex.

' (rather beautiful) introduction to the old CofE marriage ceremony. So a wife who isn't up for it IS breaking the agreement. Sorry, but she is.'

What century are we living in? No-one is owed or owns someone's body. Marital rape always was a thing, and is a crime now.

Personally, if I had a lower sex drive than my partner, I wouldn't mind him getting sex elsewhere- that'd take the pressure off me. But I know most people don't feel that way, and the men should respect that.

“ I wouldn't cheat, however. I'd split and find another one (or several).
I don't see why the standards should be different with men. They're also entitled to sex lives, and they cannot force themselves to fancy their wives if they became fat. I wouldn't, so why should they.“

You’ve said you won’t cheat, so what does this have to do with the thread?

@ScreamingLadySutch

I've been batting this back and forward in my mind!

Which is worse? The use of prostitutes [with money changing hands and - presumably - little or no emotional involvement] or a FWB.

I recall the marriage ceremony where we both said "with my body I thee worship" ...

Well fwb is consensual and prostitution isn't. I could forgive a partner an affair, I couldn't forgive them thinking it was ok to pay a vulnerable woman to be wanked into.

If the day came when I did not want to be intimate with DP I would think the relationship is over. And the same for DP. There are times when by unspoken agreement nothing happens but we know that there is an end point in sight.

We deal with sex as the moment requires. If one of us is ill or one is overworked the other is understanding. There are various things that can happen with any couple. A quickie can be nice or if time and other problems are under control a long night of loving can be the choice.
The giving of the body is part of love. Two people unite in marriage or relationship. Sex is not a bargaining tool it is meant to be love.
I don't want ever to be any part of I can't have sex because DH or DP left a pile of dirty dishes etc. After a day of dealing with mundane things at work or at home some nice times together would be nice

I was a thirty something new mother. Had ttc for five years. Then two babies in quick succession. I transformed over night from 'up for it anytime' to it have my babies now and am no longer interested'.. I had a whole new consuming love.. Just switched off.

He tried. He did all the stuff.
Housework
Childcare
Kind
Generous

I just couldn't be bothered. Did the whole loud snoring pretence.
3 years later he begged. Then turned to 'escorts' because he didn't want an emotional attachment..Having tried everything to get me interested but the switch never went back on...

Divorce .
I met someone else when the kids were 11, 8 and 5... No my 'drive' hadn't gone. I just stopped being obsessed by the kids...
I remarried. Sex is still great but I truly believe that's because there are no small dc around...

“ Well fwb is consensual and prostitution isn't. I could forgive a partner an affair, I couldn't forgive them thinking it was ok to pay a vulnerable woman to be wanked into.”

Well I probably couldn’t forgive an affair (I am lucky enough not to have had to try) but I agree that with prostitution you have the added “bonus” of really knowing that they don’t give a shit about women

Then: how much is this 'if I got sex I wouldn't look elsewhere' an excuse. How many wives love and desire their husbands, and still get cheated on. [Raises hand] because of this strange emotional split that a lot of the comments showed.

It's just an excuse, of course it is. Just like all the other excuses. A bf I had way back chose to move for a more interesting job, so I only saw him at weekends. When we had sex, without fail. The only time I remember not doing so, turned out to be the first weekend after he'd slept with someone else, who he then kept seeing through the week. So no more sex than before, it was just with his new interest (who, incidentally, he'd just found out she was newly single, and he'd lusted after her for years beforehand ). Men are dogs sometimes.

Somebody said having to have sex even if you don’t feel like it is part of the marriage ceremony. So is “forsaking all others”. In fact the forsaking of others is a point most people tend to take rather seriously.

He even gave it a time period - 2 days, and he was clearly describing a biological thing. Hormones are powerful chemicals, so I think we should respect this truth

What?? So you didn't want to be coerced into sex every 2 days, so it's a truth that prostitutes are a viable option????

What a crock of shit.

Little tip. Men's balls won't burst if they don't get sex every 2 days.

Respect the truth???

Respect your wife!!!!

It’s interesting that people would up and leave with an unsatisfactory sex life at home.... just like that! How do you even afford it? I’m in the South East and our income wouldn’t cover 2 properties so here I am 8 years into a sexless marriage. I can’t imagine the absolute shit storm if men were leaving their wives over unsatisfactory sex. In fact the ones I know who are unhappy don’t leave cite the financial impact and the fact they don’t want to be separated from their children. Brutal but true.

Name changed just for this.

I found out my dh of 20 years, my first love, the man I lost my virginity to had been visiting prostitutes. I removed him from my life, I then got tested and he had given me stds.

"We never had sex less than once a month at any point,"

That is way too little.

My exH described the unbearable build up being 2 days.

I suspect that this is the grievance those hundreds of posts referred to.

That they were trapped in marriage, but unable to have sex because their wives weren't willing, and that this is profoundly unfair [solution offered - pay for it]

My exH described the unbearable build up being 2 days.

Did he not have hands, if it was that unbearable?

Nobody's 'trapped' in marriage. Nobody's 'forced' to hire a prostitute.