Is my boyfriend's female friend being inappropriate?

[Treatyaself]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and it's been brilliant, we are really committed and I trust him completely but his flatmate bothers me... I have tried really hard to establish a friendship with her, to no avail, think we are just different people but she is also on of those women who 'doesn't get on with other women' as we are too bitchy and dramatic according to her. She has no female friends and has kept friendship's with all her exe's.
I have told my boyfriend, she is the problem, that the entire female population cannot be dismissed as 'bitchy' but he has always been very defensive of her. She is consistently dismissive of me, makes no effort and I find her quite selfish and manipulative, she basically flirts with men to control them.

And last night she proved me right, my boyfriend was hosting friends for dinner and she arrived late and came straight in and in front of everyone walked up to my boyfriend and cuddles him as he cooked, then kissed him on the shoulder. She proceeded to try and cuddle him more but he didn't give her any attention. When we all sat down for diy she served everyone food (all men) and called over to my boyfriend should she put his food out and completely ignored me...

At this point she attached herself to another flatmate, who also has a girlfriend, had their arms around each other all night, she held his wrist and stroked his leg. I brought it up with my boyfriend later on and he said he saw it all, I asked if she did that to him when I wasn't around and he said no but that she does frequently try to cuddle.

He basically said he isn't going to address anything that happened as that is just 'what she is like.' I do trust him but am I being unreasonable to be so uncomfortable about it that I don't really want to be around her?

So I have an update. I was spurred on by all your comments and general agreement and went to my boyfriend and explained it in a really calm way and he again completely agreed. He basically said when he said he wasn't going to bring it up with her he meant he wouldn't do it from my PoV as he didn't want her to dismiss it as my jealousy and he has actually been thinking about how to address it with her in a productive way and that she does need more boundaries. He has spoke to his sister about it, who said I was completely right and the flatmate is in constant need of male attention and is rude to women. He did say that she has always been a cuddly person but that he noticed she increased it last night when I was there and she hasn't done that before, clearly marking her territory as some people have commented.

So he is going to speak to her about it but wants to do it in a way were it doesn't just look like it was me complaining but that they are his boundaries, not my boundaries for him. But he told me I was completely right, even his friends told him she was out of order and that he will end it.

on a thread a few months ago someone posted this article and it really resonated:-

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a24736/beware-dog-whistle-girl/

The best thing to do would be to find another place to live. Surely there are other flatshares around without a highly inappropriate female attention seeker?

That would completely solve the problem.

"So he is going to speak to her about it but wants to do it in a way were it doesn't just look like it was me complaining but that they are his boundaries, not my boundaries for him. "

Why is he trying so hard to protect her feelings? Why isn't he moving out?

So he's saying it is unwanted physical attention.

Imagine the sexes reversed on this!

If he talks to her and she still carries on, then I think you need to raise a shit storm and go for her. I don't have tons of women friends, more men, but I would never go around pissing on territory thats not mines especially in front of their partners. You just do not do that.

Ginger1982 hes not protecting her feelings i don’t think. More like he’s going to tell her that her actions are overstepping his boundaries rather than ‘my girlfriend said’ type thing!

She sounds lonely, resentful, socially awkward and mixed up. She's no threat to anyone, no self respecting man would bother with her. She knows this, of course, which makes her even more lonely, resentful, awkward and mixed up.

I'd just leave her to it really. Your bf sounds like he knows the score and that he will deal with it. There is no point getting involved or telling her off. If you do, she will out play you as the victim well before she will change her ways. The men have to be the ones to set her right, they are the ones whose boundaries are being trampled.

He should be telling her that she is massively inappropriate, that he doesn't like it and equally importantly you don't like it and quite rightly so.

She will simper for a bit but she won't change, just you wait and see.

Whose flat is it? She's inappropriate with other flat mate too, how does he feel about it?

pissing on territory thats not mine human beings arent territory. Steady on.

My partner's best female friend is like this. She hasn't shown her face since he had a long talk with her about why she assaulted me. Seems she couldn't cause me to start a fight with her by being all over my partner, so she had to start on me.

She's definitely got problems.

Lola smiles, this girl doesn't sound like she would give a normal peck on the cheek kind of greeting. It really depends on the person. I personally wouldn't mind my partner pecking people on the cheek as a hello / goodbye as long as there's no agenda or flirtyness... which isn't unreasonable. But there are boundaries and lines that shouldn't be crossed which this girl is clearly doing. I never said anything about hugs or greetings... so I don't know where that's come from.

I was also going to send you the link to the dog whistle girl. As they age they become much more aggressive and drink more.

Yeah he is protecting her feeling's he wants to approach it in a way that doesn't look like he is just doing what I told him to do. For those who suggested he moves out, he is! We are moving in together in January, so very soon she will be old news. The best thing about this is she has shown herself up, he has seen through her now and is aware of her behavior which means I finally get to talk about how horrible she is quite openly. So whatever she had intended to accomplish with her actions has completely backfired, it's actually brought us closer.

Wow she sounds incredibly pathetic. Just feel sorry for her, don't hate her. She has to throw herself at guys to get attention constantly and she still doesn't get the attention. Plus she has no friends.

I think your boyfriend is reacting perfectly sensibly from your latest update, though he’s been a little slow off the mark. If he does what he says then you move in together in Jan, hopefully that’s an end to it. Also, if you are in her company again, he should put a stop to nonsense as it happens, making it clear he’s not having it if she ignores you/doesn’t serve you dinner whatever. Basically, next time (if there is one) he should take action at the time. She sounds like a silly teenager!

terri123456
I had already agreed the friend in this situation was overstepping.

I was more taken back that there were posters on here saying that they'd be furious is any friend did any sort of kiss on the cheek greeting. That sort of reaction is irrational and weird.

@Rvby You know what I meant. Unclench🙄

Your boyfriend loves the attention she brings

Get rid have zero problems then

She sounds like a complete dick.
I would also ask your OH how he would feel if you had a male flat mate who behaved in the same way and how he would expect you to respond.

imagine what she's like when you aren't around
I'd have slapped her one.

No point slapping her, but I’d be organizing events with flatmate and his gf and excluding her, and then discussing her (loudly) slutty behaviour, and how embarrassing it would be to be caught up by someone who is so obviously desperate.

Oh my god I cannot believe she is 30. I remember a brief period right at the beginning of our twenties when we were all indiscriminately touchy feely with each other. That was probably down to our collective drug taking though.

I detest women who declare all women bitchy also. No love, they don't get on with you, because of your behaviour, not a failing of the entire sex.

You sound like you have a good thing with your boyfriend and he is addressing it. Hopefully that is the end of it now.

I have mainly male friends that I'm close with, a few with partners. I do not do this. I don't even cuddle/kiss/flirt with my close single male friends because ya know we're friends.

YANBU, she sounds awful.