Wow these posts they always descend in to the same. I could make a bingo card.
"I support women and you have no self respect" is basically the (contradictory) undertone to a lot of this.
If you actually support women you respect them enough to know their own minds and marriages. Several of you knew your mind and marriage wasn't going to recover. Several of you knew your mind and marriage could recover. I'm not sure how it always becomes a fucking slagging match over self respect. Surely self respect is making informed decisions which are true to your own feelings? Believe me there is enough people out there trying to "open the eyes" of the "pitiful" women who stay.
But reality is most do. Gottman did a survey a few years back which showed it was around 75% of partners stay after infidelity are they all doomed? If 30-50% of people admit to cheating that's a hell of a group of people.
Also people are doomed if they do doomed if they don't. We all have different boundaries. I thought always that cheating was a hard line particularly if emotions were involved but my husbands affair was 6 months of emotional cheating. I recovered. Or at least mostly am recovered. It's been 18 months.
Living with a complete lack of trust, wondering where they are if they are late, wondering who they are texting, being too scared to disagree with them in case they decide they’re unhappy again.
I don't remember who said this sorry but I'm sad that's how you lived your life. You absolutely shouldn't stay if you feel like that. I don't feel like that after 18 months as DH has made it his mission to make sure I don't. He realised very early on he had to take control of our recovery as it was his big mess. He went away last week for 3 days and whilst I felt like I would be anxious I wasn't.
Again I can't win though because when I talk about how he's achieved that, quite through his choice, I've been told in the past it's emasculating and controlling (despite having nothing to do with it and it being his process). He checks in regularly, shares his location and snaps. None of it is a guarantee of course but who in a relationship really has that in reality?
As for the OW, I've always said that he is 100% guilty for his part, she is 100% guilty for hers. She knew he was married when she started with the constant flattery and he knew he was married when he failed to put any boundaries in place. The difference in forgiveness is their behaviour afterwards. He has made it his mission to recover himself, support me and improve our marriage. She has made herself a victim, lashed out at me (who had no part in their seedy shit and is the actual "victim") and has gone about her life as if she's been totally reasonable in telling a man she knows is married that she's thinking about giving him a blow job at his desk (on work time no less).
They are both morons. I see his remorse. I see her sending emails to my boss because I once told her to fuck off out of my face when she was telling me it was my fault he cheated because I lost too much weight and he was sad.
He's worked hard to build respect. She's worked hard to make herself the victim.
Maybe she is doing things to better herself but the key element is I don't see that.
Also if she owes us nothing whilst trying to sleep with our husbands (cause you know human decency over destroying another person and potentially their children is not a thing anymore) then surely we don't owe her anything either whilst dealing with the aftermath of their decisions?
I kinda feel like people take my dislike for her (and that's all it is now, widely pity) as a defence of my husband but they are mutually exclusive. My husband is 100% to blame for his part in hurting us, me, our marriage, etc. He acted like an utter prick. I couldn't stand to be near him for a time and we separated for a short while.
He knows I'm gone if he ever so much sniffs another woman again. I have an exit plan, legal protections in place etc. I earn more than him and am not financially dependent in anyway. I have support. I just don't want that. Reality is his affair is a very tiny part of our relationship. It's less than 10% of the time we have been together and every second we stay together it's even less.
Some can some can't move on. No one is morally superior, no one is better, no one has more self respect. Everyone is just trying to do what's right for them. Why does it always have to end with people calling one another bitter.
It's actually ok to be angry that people have treated you badly. It's ok to be angry that it didn't work out. It's ok. But it's not ok to decide everyone is the same as you and use that as leverage to hurt people who you know are vulnerable and hurting because you've been them. Or your ex h for that matter. Same as any other topic.
I do get the sentiment I really do, I've felt it about other things, but you're not them. They aren't you.