Infidelity

[Susancrushed]

It’s been a year and 8 months and I cannot get my husbands affair out of my head entirely. He does not think about it all and says it’s the biggest mistake of his life. I’m trying to contain my thoughts when they come up in my head. It seems after having a good day or evening date I bring it up. I am not angry just questioning his character. It’s been a long road and I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. Anyone can give me personal feedback

"@Magicpaintbrush I'm in the very same position nearly 2 yrs on. I'm afraid it never goes away. 😌"

Yes, that is exactly what I am expecting. It will never go away. The damage has been done. It's like a dividing line in the middle of your life - before and after. I feel condemned now, like no matter what happens from here on in I will never be completely happy again, ever.

I also have issues with the OW. I know my DH is to blame, however over the past four months I have witnessed him suffer from the fall out of this, emotionally speaking it has absolutely killed him, the guilt, remorse, regret, self hatred - it is all there. But her? She has just fucked off without a care in the world and had no consequences. It feels like unfinished business, and I want to hurt her as much as she has hurt me, because it all feels so unjust. I never hurt anybody or did anything wrong. My life has been ruined and I had no say in any of it.

It is a bit over a year since I found out my husband had been having an affair with someone at work for a few months. We have four (very) small children, the youngest was only a few months when it started proper.

Four and a half months in is very, very early days.

It’s so hard. And isolating. But I have found over time comes hope that you can be happy together again. We have had counselling every week since I found out. It’s a long hard road.

It’s difficult and v early for you to believe, but she is nothing to you. Nothing. Don’t let these thoughts of her take any time from looking after yourself.

Also something I am only recently able to process - it’s not fair. But that’s the way it is. What has happened absolutely is not fair. Sometimes life is like that. But you have to decide where to go from there.

God my heart goes out to you @Magicpaintbrush . I have been where you are. And because as someone said above, people underestimate how much damage cheating does. It not only destroys lives and relationships (not just of the main three protagonists either) but it changes people. And it is forced upon you. Nothing about that is fair.

I wouldn't stay. He broke your vows. He's the trauma so why stay with someone who is the cause?

When I read 10 years down the line for me. I still suffer nightmares sometimes it confirms why waste your life, mental health and emotions on this person who has caused so much pain?

@YouJustDoYou it must be very difficult when you are financially depend on someone else. It helped me to know that I didn't have to leave but I could if I wanted to. Are you in a better financial position now? It's empowering to know that you are able to leave. I get what you mean about DH not wanting to talk about it. After 3-4 months my DH couldn't bare to hear of it. It made him squirm. He hated what he had done. But I do think it's pointless going over and over it if it's just bringing you pain. I also understand that counselling is so expensive and not always worthwhile. Are you in a position to try and new hobby? You need to forget about him for a while and work on you. Even if you don't feel like it. Sending hugs.

Thank you, yes I have come to the conclusion that actually the OW as a person is irrelevant, and she is grotesque as a human being - the person who told me what had happened also told me that she is a known marriage wrecker, so she has done this before to other women. I just feel so fucking angry that she didn't give a shit about going after somebody who was taken - DH is responsible and at fault, but she is still a heartless bitch. I judge her by my own standards and I would NEVER try to steal another woman's man, never, because I know right from wrong and I care about people's feelings, and any children that could be hurt in the fall out, I can see past my own desires and wouldn't hurt others to get what I want like she did. I know I am a better person than her and that she means nothing to him, sex with her was the equivalent of wanking into a sock I think, she put herself on a plate when we were having huge stresses at home. Our DD had night time separation anxiety from the ages of 8 to 10 and a half, and would cry and scream all night if she couldn't come into our bed with me, which left DH relegated to the spare room and feeling pushed out, meaning huge amounts of stress - I was self harming at one point because it nearly sent me over the edge - and there was no possibility of intimacy between DH and I as we never had any time alone together. She is much better now, went for counselling etc, is sleeping in her own room again and so much better in herself, and DH and I are back in the same bed together as we should be.

As for other reasons why he may have done what he did, I have my own conclusions. Perhaps familiarity breeds contempt, or boredom, and I was no longer new and exciting because I'd been around for years and the OW was different and new. Perhaps because he didn't play the field much before meeting me and was curious. Perhaps he got carried away because his ego was flattered by her attention and he was weak. It may have been a bit of all of those things. Homelife was stressful, sex life wasn't great because of lack of opportunity, resentments about those things, I became invisible to him for a while because I was part of the furtniture at home, he felt sorry for himself, she made it clear she fancied him, flirting started, a work night out and the rest is history. And now here we are picking up the pieces. He has been a classic fool. But I am the one whose life has been wrecked. It would not be an understatement to say that it has left me traumatised. It has affected my MH, I have huge trust issues, I carry a feeling of dread, uncertainty and hurt with me everywhere I go.

And I agree with a PP - I don't think the people who cheat have a clue when they go ahead and do these things how severe the pain is that they cause to their spouse.

I've come to the conclusion it's a dead in the water marriage and none of it is my fault. He's clinging on in hope but I struggle to even look at him now. I wished I'd never tried to make it work after finding out! I still have the occasional nightmare and I'm half the person I once was, I'm trying to claw my way out of this hole to find the strength to walk away. The humiliation of people actually knowing what's happened kills me daily. I've hid away, buried my head and tried every trick in the book to be happy.. none have worked. The pain is immense I don't think I'll ever be the same person again. I'm just sad for my children, who no doubt eventually will find out the thrush about their father. I don't want another man in my life ever, hand on heart I could never let anyone close to me again. It's awful seeing how many are in a similar situation, words fail me.

I'm not disregarding how any of you feel but by saying 'it never gets any better' or words to that effect, you're holding yourselves hostage. Although I felt exactly the same as you at some point. Everyone heels at different times. Work towards changing your thought processes. I couldn't give a flying shit about the other woman anymore, although I did used to dream of running her over 🤣. I also feel the that OW/OM get off too easily. People tend to say 'it's your husband that betrayed you, not the OW' of course this is true to some extend but it takes a twat if a person to knowingly be the OW/OM. They help to inflict serious pain on other people. The pain of being cheated on is much worse than being physically attacked, yet if someone physically attacked you there would be consequences.

I agree Louise831, with all that you have said. And I want to believe it can get better, it's just that sometimes it seems a far fetched hope. But I think to not have any hope would be too depressing for words.

I feel such despair when I hear stories of cheating within other couples and wonder what the fuck possesses people to throw it all away like that. I know all relationships are different, but it's the ones who seem to have a happy marriage, devoted spouse and still cheat that just leaves me speechless with bewilderment - why would you do that??? And then all of the regret when it's too late and can't be changed, and how their perspective of what they have actually done suddenly becomes clear to them when they see the damage they have caused. But even if their spouse never found out I still just cannot understand how somebody can betray the person they apparently love. And it so often happens at work - so easy and convenient to take up with somebody who is separate to their life outside work, knowing that their spouse will probably never know because they aren't there. It's despicable. It's so cruel, so selfish. I could never do it. And then, when their spouse does find out the truth it's suddenly doesn't seem exciting or fun anymore, it dawns on them how disgusting they are and how utterly utterly stupid they have been - but it's too late to change it.

And keeping it secret from friends and family is exhausting. Keeping a smile plastered on your face when inside you just want to die.

Particularly hard to keep it together in front of the kids, pretending everything is normal, especially in the early days when you NEED time to talk and talk but you can't find the privacy to do that or you keep being interrupted. It's awful. So many emotions boiling up and you can't let them out until you are alone.

Magicbrush
You have described the pain and anguish of every woman who has faced infidelity. It does hang in the background, you have time you do not think about it but it always return to haunt you. For the first few months I could think of nothing else - it was on my mind every waking moment. I was tormented. I would not wish that period of my life on anyone.

As you said you can leave and enter a new relationship but would be starting from scratch. I have wondered if I would rather the 'devil I do not know' but I have no energy to get to know someone from scratch, their habits, ways, temperament. I do not want to remarry, to put my DC through the heartache of seeing their father half of the week, being part of a blended family. If I had no DC I would have left even if for several months to think things over.

We have left the hysterical bonding. Now we have sex because we want to not in a desperate bid to save our marriage. I much prefer it this way.

We are returning to a new normal.

Faith50 - how long has it been since you found out? How far down the road are you now?

Over a year ago. Dh confessed he kissed a colleague. The usual story - she was going through challenges in her marriage and he offered advice. She began to rely on him too much and him being a natural rescuer and perhaps having his ego stroked meant they got close.

He confessed to me of his own accord on bended knees.

The first four months were horrific. I was a wreck, tormented, suicidal, had nightmares, thought of them together constantly, felt ugly and worthless. I worked full time throughout - I am clearly stronger than I thought.

I then built my confidence and saw myself as the beautiful woman I am. There was and is nothing special about OW. She was troubled, desperate for attention, to feel wanted and just did not care about who she destroyed in the process. She was thrown to the scrap heap immediately and this would surely have affected her (even if a dent to her ego) but it is not my problem.

After they got close I read messages from her to dh asking to meet, how he was, general chit chat - he responded with basic one liners. There was no encouragement from dh in any message- nothing for her to hold on to in hope. She eventually stopped contact and dh blocked her number.

At 4 months out things felt pretty bleak for me as well it honestly did get better but it's taken a lot of work. On both our parts.

Neither I nor my husband have paid for any of the therapy we received. Money shouldn't be a barrier. Mine was through IAPT in my local area, his work, and relate through IAPT too. It's helped a lot.

We did a lot of self help. Hours and hours and hours of it. You tube and books and all sorts. It helped. Therapy helped more. It helped us explore things safely. Together.

I can honestly say 18 months out things are very very different. I rarely have nightmares. The ow doesn't mean much. It's not Gone and we are still in therapy (it'll stop by my 3rd trimester) but we are good. We can talk about it calmly. We can leave that conversation and move on. It doesn't dominate my brain or cause me endless anxiety anymore. I don't get adrenaline rushes when I see her name.

My husband just went away for work for 3 days and I didn't get anxious at all. He helped this a lot but it shows how far we've come. I couldn't have done that a year ago. Maybe not even at the beginning of this year.

Anniversaries are hard and I haven't resolved how I feel about some things but I will. I have confidence in that now.

People cope and manage differently. Honestly if I was still dominated by it now I don't think I would stay. I've had an exit plan since early on and I knew I could leave but I've never wanted to.

You have to weigh up a few things I think:

• is he gonna do the work to help heal the marriage and you both as individuals

• are you willing to do the work to help heal your marriage and you both as individuals (because it feels intensely unjust)

• can you ever be a person who moves on or do you hold on to things

• can your mental health do it

I'm so sorry Faith50. It turns your whole perception of your world upside down doesn't it. It has you questioning everything that you thought was real and whether it really is or not. You look at the person you love and there is a side to them that you didn't know about, you wonder if you even know them.

What I keep reminding myself is that I know 1000% that if my DH could go back and undo it, make it so that it never happened, he would. That is a bit of a comfort I suppose. From the OW point of view, imagine that you've been intimate with somebody and that act turns out to be the biggest regret of the other person's life, and that if they could they would turn back time and make it so that they never touched you - pretty humiliating to be the OW in that scenario.

doublebarrellednurse - thank you so much for telling us about your experience, it is comforting to hear a positive outcome, it really is. I really and truly hope that I and the others on here can make some kind of peace with what has happened in order to move on from it. To continue living with this pain indefinitely would be horrendous.

Ladies, you have all said it so well. I totally get the poster who said she knows it has buggered her trust for any other relationship. I now feel far less like putting 100% into things, far more aware that anyone with the right circumstances can act totally out of character- even when your marriage seems solid. In my snooping post finding out about a historical EA I also found my H had a chronic lesbian porn habit(4 or 5 times a week) — this from a pretty ‘right on’ Guy. All I can say is it certainly added to the ‘you never really know someone’ feeling I had. I have stayed married and realise that aspect wouldn’t bother others on here— but for me it was like finding out you are married to someone you don’t know as well as you thought. It’s certainly made me older, wiser and somewhat sadder

And it’s put me right off sex too !! That’s the thing I have found hard, I can get by day to day and we get on fine but I’ve definitely lost the attraction / romance aspect - that’s hard on him too I know.

user1479 It has not put me off sex - perhaps because dh did not fondle/sleep with ow. I have needs and I am selfish enough to allow them to be met. There have been days where dh and I have argued but reconciled enough to sleep together that night. I have been manipulative at times, apologising after outbursts even when not sorry in order to passify dh into doing what I wanted. I am far more selfish nowadays and think of my needs a lot more.

Me and DH got back to sex about 2 weeks after I found out, it became part of the hysterical bonding process. It took us both completely by surprise but I needed it, and wanted it, I don't know if in some way our reconnecting in that department was a way of erasing what had happened with OW and making it irrelevant by re-establishing the importance of our own intimacy together. I found it really helped. There has only been one occasion where I found sex difficult because of intruding thoughts about the infidelity, and that was more recently, which surprised and dismayed me. My DH picked up on it and was very upset (not with me but with himself). Because of our situation where we didn't have sex much for a couple of years due to DD always sleeping in our bed I think we had a lot of lost time to make up for and a lot of reconnecting to do. In the past few months we have had sex way more than we did in the past two years combined. It has been good, and brought us closer together. But it takes effort to keep those painful mental images away and I TOTALLY understand why for some betrayed spouses it makes the thought of sex impossible.

We had four children in just over six years and essentially didn’t sleep together when I was pregnant and for a long time after each birth so our sex life was not good. He didn’t voice concern and when I asked (I was just so constantly tired, EBF etc and then back at work full time after mat leave between each child to a city job) didn’t speak up really - I assumed it was just a tough time in our relationship with young kids etc. Silly me. I feel like a fool - I didn’t actually believe that old adage ‘if he’s not getting it at home he will get it elsewhere’. But he just didn’t voice any concern.

Reality of course apparently that he felt abandoned / not enough attention / un cared for etc.

I feel so stupid.

But we still haven’t resumed sex life in any way really. Is only now I can even begin to turn my attention to it. So hard after such a huge breach of trust when I was at the most vulnerable time of my life (having recently had a baby etc).

I genuinely pity some of the posters on this thread. Anyone who blames an OW for trying to steal her ‘D’H must have serious self-esteem issues. Nobody can be stolen or made to do something they don’t want to do. The only ones who have been humiliated in these situations is the betrayed wife! As for the poster who described the OW as older and less attractive - wow! Even if that was true your husband obviously didn’t think so when he was shagging her! Happily married people don’t have affairs. Living with the worry and fear about what he might be doing and who he might be texting is no way to live! Any married man who sleeps with another woman just because she gives him attention is no catch or prize! No marriage can ever be stronger after infidelity has occurred because the trust has been broken. I wonder what the excuses will be when these husbands stray again? I’ve been there, accepted all the excuses etc but he did it again. I wasted 5 years of my life when I should have ended it when I first found out, that’s my biggest regret. I would never accept cheating again. It would be over the minute I found out because I have more self respect than to be someone’s easy and convenient option. The only reason these men haven’t left is because it’s less hassle to stay and too expensive to get divorced, especially when there are children involved.

Absolutely agree McTits
I'm shocked with women who actually bother with these men.
How could anyone respect their husband after putting their d**k somewhere else?!
All the posters clearly have suffered ptsd or severe mental health issue due to a vile husband. How could you stay?
As for blaming the OW.... Really?!

I don't blame the OW (more than one) .. yes really. And yes to PTSD I'm totally sure I have this.. quite dramatic some would say but honestly I've never experienced such a f*cked head. I will get better and will kick this sorry arse to the kerb as soon as I can!!

@McTits you're not the OW are you? You sound very bitter. For your information, my husband didn't shag the old hag....but he did admit trying to because she was 'grateful' for any attention she could get. The shit about 'they're only there for financial reasons/the kids' is also bollocks. I did kick my husband out and we lived separately for a while....I also earn more money than him and it would be a straight split of assets if we were to divorce. Our kids are almost adults who are hardly ever at home so that's not the reason he stays either. How can you tell me that my relationship isn't better now? Just because your own wasn't? ....and yeah, I think the OW was equally to blame as she knowingly tried to sleep with a married man, she didn't give a shit about me or my kids, or her own for that fact. How is someone like that innocent? She's a moral less tramp.