Infidelity

[Susancrushed]

It’s been a year and 8 months and I cannot get my husbands affair out of my head entirely. He does not think about it all and says it’s the biggest mistake of his life. I’m trying to contain my thoughts when they come up in my head. It seems after having a good day or evening date I bring it up. I am not angry just questioning his character. It’s been a long road and I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. Anyone can give me personal feedback

Another line I don't agree with is 'happily married people don't cheat.' Yes they do.

What the?

So if She's a moral less tramp then how can you respect your husband for shagging her?

I really don't understand how you can forgive your husband but blme the Ow

Louise831 you've quoted 'facts' about adultery but nothing about the aftermath.
Have to disagree. If you're happy you don't cheat and if you're unhappy you don't cheat.... Because if you're decent you talk to your partner and end it before you go shagging.

McTits - your post comes across as really unpleasant, like you are kicking people while they are down. Whether or not the other posters on here ever come to agree with your point of view is one thing, but you also have to remember that recovery from infidelity (if that's even possible) is a long and drawn out process that takes a really long time, and while you are years down the line and reckon you have got everything all figured out that is not the case for all of us, for many of us it is a fresh wound and we are going through a great deal of confusion, hurt and pain, trying to get our heads around it all. Coming on here and ranting at us is actually quite horrible. You obviously have all the answers and know it all, bully for you, here's your fucking medal! Take in to account that you are generalising massively - you don't know any of us in real life or our partners, you don't know the intricacies of our relationships, so don't come on here spouting bullshit about they only stay because it's easier financially or whatever, I can garantee to you that is not the case for me and my DH. I was actually finding this thread helpful and supportive and a comfort until you rocked up with your horrible ranting. Thanks a lot.

@Cariaprl my husband didn't shag her. They exchanged explicit messages but there was talk in meeting (I found the whole message thread). I have this argument in real life all the time because I genuinely can't understand how people don't see the OW/OM to be equally as bad as the cheating spouse. They were both moral less twats in my eyes. My husband wasn't any better than her but he wasn't any worse either. She knowingly had an affair with a married man 🤷‍♀️. My husband initially said it happened because he wasn't getting enough of my time/attention but there wasn't anything 'wrong' in our relationship. The relationship I have with my husband is very different now, if anything he is more insecure than I am, says he's couldn't live without and and doesn't know what he'd do if I left. I know for sure I would leave if it happened again.

@magicpaintbrush
Wow! And you have the nerve to call my post unpleasant? You really are bitter aren’t you? I must have hit a nerve!
Yes I’m a few years down the line but I never blamed anyone but my ex H for his affair. I don’t need to know the intricacies of anyone’s relationship but believe that if you genuinely love someone you could never intentionally hurt them. Cheating is a deliberate act. I’m sorry if you don’t want to believe that but hopefully in time you’ll find your self respect. As I said, I wasted 5 years, those 5 years were horrible! I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. If my post gets through to one person and I can help them realise that they deserve better then I’ve achieved something. You may not want to hear the truth now but one day you’ll wake up and see that I’m right; I just hope it doesn’t take 5 years and more OW for you to do that!

I pity you McTits
It’s a shame you failed to work through it

I agree that cheating is a deliberate act. So why isn't it a deliberate act on behalf of the OW too? Why do you think you're superior because you don't blame the OW too? Doesn't make sense to me.

@Louise831
FFS! No I’m not!
You call me bitter but describe another human being as a ‘moral less tramp’ and an ‘old hag’ You sound delightful!
I’ve obviously hit a nerve with you too!
Why should the OW have given a shit about you or your kids? She would have been told that your relationship was dead etc. I spoke to my ex H’s first OW and she told a very different story to the shit he spouted to me at the time. She wasn’t a moral less hag, just a normal woman who had been fed a load of bullshit by my twat of an ex. I also had the ‘I can’t live without you shit’ it’s controlling and manipulative behaviour. Of course people stay for the kids and financial reasons, after they caught him messaging another OW 3 years later I stayed with him for a further 2 years for those very reasons! And I don’t think she was a moral less slag either!
I wish you the best of luck with because I think you’re going to need it! To be honest the fact that you stay when your kids are older and you aren’t financially dependent on him makes me pity you more!

@Fochit
Don’t pity me, I can do better than a cheating twat thanks. I’m happy in a new relationship. I realise now just how unhappy my marriage was.

@Cariaprl
Well said!

Good Lick with your ‘new’ relationship McTits

Omg, you are laughable McTits. I have plenty of self respect thanks. I think I may have actually hit a nerve with you if anything. I do blame my DH for the infidelity, and if you had read my posts properly I wouldn't have to repeat myself as I am doing now - HE is to blame, but that doesn't make the OW 'blameless' either. There are so many shades of grey in situations like this that you can't make big sweeping generalisations because one size doesn't fit all, too many variables, too many different people with totally different personalities and reasons behind what what they do. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons, and their spouses may or may not stay for all sorts of different reasons. You made your decision about what was best for you when it happened to you based on your very specific circumstances according to what exactly happened, the person you are and the person your DH was - I will make my own decision based on my own unique set of circumstances. If I choose to stay it will be because it's the right thing to do, I'm not going to leave just because some random poster on MN thinks I should based on happened to THEM.

@McTits I call the woman that cheated with my husband moral less and an old hag, yes. Is that really a bad thing? I don't give a shit how much tripe he filled her with she still went along with it knowing he was married....that makes her moral less of course!! She would have been happy to sleep with a married man FFS!! She's the bottom of the pile. Please don't pity me as I'm in the best position I've ever been in and I'm very happy.

*Luck 😂

You’re a typical example of someone who tried and failed so now feels the need to put down those who succeeded.

I’m happy with my choices so support those who decide to leave and those who decide to stay.

@McTits the woman wouldn't have given a shit about me or my kids because she doesn't have morals and she has no problem fucking other people over for a quick shag, that's why. That's her character, that's the type of she is. I wouldn't dream of putting another woman though that.....I wouldn't let a married man manipulative me in to believing his shite. Especially if I was her age. She didn't give a shit about ruining her own kids lives either.....because she's moral less.

Trauma doesn’t leave you - that’s part of the definition. You’re one person before it, and another person after it. Unlike a mere injury, you don’t simply fully heal and carry on your way. That is a cold, hard fact nobody tells you when you’re trying to rebuild a relationship after infidelity.

Wow this is so sad but so true. I lived with is for four years. Separating from DH. He has acted in the last two years like I should be totally over it and I dislike him for that. You never bloody get over it. The least they owe us it to understand that.

I hate it when people say ‘oh people should trust you now’. Would they say the same about an ex alcoholic? Or someone who had hit you? No, they’d say, if you stick with them hold your support strong and keep your own life strong too. We can never just rely on our partners again. If we decide to stay we must make the best of it and do it as healthily as possible.

But forget it? Erase the pain? Betrayal is deep deep pain.

Oh and support those who call the OW names. Why not? She deserves our wrath. I will never have anything but contempt for any woman who takes another woman’s man and destroys a family.

It’s the lowest of the low.

I don’t even care if they forgive their husbands. Or give them less wrath than the OW. So what? Their relationship, their bloody business. Which is what it should have remained in the first place. If it hadn’t been torn apart. They owe the OW nothing. She owes them big time.

If they need to feel less angry with their DH in order to try and repair a family and marriage, that’s totally understandable. Even if DH deserves to be equally vilified, his wife has such a horrible decision and how she navigates it is up to her.

Why should the OW have given a shit about you or your kids?

I think there is no response to this. If this is the level of lack of compassion for other human beings - basically you can destroy people’s lives if they are strangers - then you are in a world I want no part in.

Warmfirechocolate - I completely agree.

I still don't understand how you could respect a man for cheating on you? Why bother building fragile trust again when he doesn't deserve any of your precious time?!

My delightful ex did this to me and all respect vanished and I got rid ASAP. How could I possibly stay with a person who caused me so much hurt and was so deceitful? Surely women who stay are just agonising themselves by doing this.

As for the OW it wasn't her it was my partner who decided to cheat and the blame lies with him. To blame her is deflecting what a shitty husband did to you.

@Warmfirechocolate this is exactly what I mean!! The OW lacks empathy/compassion for other people. She must do to behave in that way. The fact that she allowed herself to be the OW makes her a twat by default. It's alright for people to sit on here all smug about leaving their marriage but statistically the odds of being cheated on remain the same!! As for people expecting you to trust your partner again......I personally think it's very naive to trust anyone 100% anyway.

I think for my self respect I couldn't and wouldn't have stayed with a cheating twat of a man. So I find it impossible to empathise or sympathise with women who waste their energy on doing so.

It is such a horrendous thing to go through that nobody has the right to tell somebody going through it how they should or shouldn't feel.

Magicpaintbrush actually what? This is the whole point of the post!