Family who don't ask about your life

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I've just spent some adult only time with some of my family (mum, sis and) Just women going out for lunch, intitated by me. This is rare as my sis has a toddler (who I adore) so a nice treat. I've come away feeling a bit flat. One of the things I really notice when I spend time with them (my dad is the same) very rarely does anyone asks questions about me or my life. So never say how are you, how's work, what you up to. I ask things like this to be interested in their lives and feel I carry the conversation a lot. Just wondering if anyone else has family like this? Does it make you feel bad too?

It's hard to be lovely and stay lovely when you feel small and invisible and ignored.

Me to older sister who worked in finance, looking for advice from much admired older sister
"I'm worried about not having any pension, I'm not sure what I should be saving or who to save with, could you give me any advice?"

Older sister "If I need money in the future I'll just sell one if my houses".

End of conversation. Ad finitum. For years and years.

How do I stay lovely??

Do what I do a focus more on the people who don't suck and ghost those who do. It's not like I've burnt bridges, they just rotted.

If there are things you do even if they are solitary - you are more likely to find other people but don't do the thing just to meet other people. It's a big Universe - you have to not be afraid and make time to check out all the cool stuff.

Not sure if that helps much though. I did an experiment when I didn't phone some friends for 6 months to see if they'd notice or if they'd phone me in the mean time. 13 years and I'm still kinda waiting....

Would anyone here be up for me setting up a Facebook Group? I could call it 'Radiator women from the Radiator planet'. But be waned I'd be a bit of a sucky admin. I'd give it a go if I get any DMs though.

I don't do fb or the likes but it's a good idea. I agree with what you're saying though.

@Absolom "No it doesn't make me feel bad. I am a private person..."

Exactly what I was thinking. There a lot of people who just don't like having to talk about themselves. So not asking about you would seem, to them, polite and nonintrusive.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare - if it's a closed, secret group, I'd be up for it. It would be so interesting to see how a group of women who have been trained to always listen and always support interact with each other when there's no one around making one-sided demands.

It feels a bit powerless and lonely in these situations. - What interests me is that my dad has noticed I'm low contact and he is upset about it but far too proud or scared to ask why. And the sad thing is, it would never occur to him to build bridges by ringing up and asking how we are or how my work is going or how DC did in their exams or how they are doing at school or - gulp - how my health is. For my entire life there has been a running monologue of his ailments and I think he genuinely believes because he shouts loudest that no one else has any problems. He doesn't want a close mutual relationship. He just mourns the one-sided support I used to give and have now withdrawn.

Interesting. I'm another one here who doesn't particularly like being asked about my life. If I want to say something I will but I probably don't ask enough questions either which makes me like your family.

There is no other way in my experience of dealing with people like this apart from severely limiting your exposure to them.

You can't make them care or be interested, these people don't want two way friends or family in the real sense just an audience to listen.

Limit the time you spend with them to a degree that makes you comfortable, and spend time with people that you make you happy and give energy and light. Life is too short.

Interesting. I'm another one here who doesn't particularly like being asked about my life I don't think we mean people like you, private and careful about what they share/don't share. That is understandable, but I very much doubt you are grandstanding/showing off at high volume/going on and on about your piles. The type of person that really feels the world is all about them, and does not stop talking about themselves. These people do cause exasperation, because they are selfish and care so little about others. It is all about them.

You captain do not sound like this at all.

My PIL are like this. DH is extremely successful at what he does (I don't mean that we are wealthy, I mean that he is highly regarded in his field). They never ask how he is, or what he is up to. I think they honestly regard his success as an affront because they never amounted to much career-wise. When DH got a major landmark promotion that is typical of his field, they were really churlish about it. Everyone else - my family included - sent cards and congratulations.

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes family dynamics are weird. Find people outside your family who celebrate you for you.

autumn2203 thank you I certainly hope I don't come across like that. I think my attitude comes from a life time of walking on egg shells around my parents and sister and not wanting to give away any information that can be used against me. I do ask other people vague general questions and I do listen but don't like to feel I'm prying.

Yes, I’ve got a couple of family members like this. They haven’t got the first clue about me or my life because they never ask. Two can play at that game, now I never ask about them and shut them down when they try to talk about themselves. Now we only talk about our mutual relative’s health and well-being. Sod them, life’s too short to pander to people who don’t care about you enough to show even a modicum of interest.

They aren't particularly private people so they aren't not asking / interested as they value privacy. When I said ask about your life probably meant show just general interest too.

I agree with pp's who have said about focusing on people who aren't like this. I do try to do this but I think it's that hope I need to deal with. @JohnMcCainsDeathStare I identify with a lot of what you are saying! Thanks.
@CaptainMyCaptain you sound emotionally intelligent and self aware I doubt you come across as uninterested in peoples lives.

I think I'm feeling it particularly profoundly at the moment as my sister just had aa baby. I've been doing lots to help and trying to make things nice with gifts and doing things. I've also looked after dn a reasonable amount. So feel like I'm giving a lot I know will never be reciprocated. I know I need to take responsibility for this. I'm in charge of what I do.

It feels very familiar what pp's said about having the role of the one who is expected to give out. Either in terms of emotional energy/listening or practically. It's a hard role to get out of. Also I believe part of being family is doing things which are not about reciprocation. But I wonder if that might have got me where I am now?

Mine are like this, especially so since when I took I'll & had to give up my career as it seemed they didn't approve of my no longer being a status symbol. Also DM was very angry when I got engaged, pregnant & married, fir similar reasons . I've since realised they were only ever interested in my work life as it was something they felt they could boast about. They have no interest otherwise & I now find myself in a position where I'm having to listen to DB & DF ramble on about their health problems, whilst completely ignoring mine & DDs disability & " there's nowt wrong with you/her

I've come to realise that I enjoy the down time when DF in particular isn't speaking to me, as it's f"ing hard work at times, especially when he's bitching about his neighbours complains about what a crap daughter I am due to my not visiting him at the other end of the country I'm too long. I don't think it's even fucking registered that I currently have additional gastric issues & a neck injury that's making getting out of the house difficult, let alone travelling tge length of the country . Not that I don't expect this now & let it wash over me, annoying though

@RockinHippy sorry about your health issues. I understand this. I've got a few health issues going on some of which I haven't shared because I know they don't care! I understand the expectation of this behaviour but it does still hurt!

OP, my husband’s family are like this. They are really lovely, good people but aren’t interested in life outside their bubble. I feel like they don’t know much about my life, yet I see them all the time. I had a seriously ill family member recently and I just started telling them about it as otherwise they would never have known. And I see them all a few times each week! But I adore them and realise it’s not intentional. Opening up about myself and forcing my life on them a bit has actually helped.

I also resonate so much with this post. People seem to love talking AT me, so much so that i think iv lost confidence in speaking about myself, iv more or less convinced myself i must be really boring, hence the lack of interest. The posts about being emotionally intelligent, seeming to have my shit together and coming across as intimidating to others really rings true for me. Its good to know im not the only one that experiences this.
My husband has terminal cancer, the lack of support from some friends/family has astounded me these past few months, people STILL only want to tell me there problems while glossing over mine. Iv had to distance myself from people to cope. its unreal how many selfish self absorbed people their are out there, i genuinely do wonder why?

So feel like I'm giving a lot I know will never be reciprocated.

I did this. Was last in the family to have DC. I had DNs for sleepovers, stayed over during a home birth, travelled several hours from SW to NE London to pick them up from school as DSis's after school arrangements were completely chaotic. Then when I got pregnant everyone moved house to the furthest corners of the UK and I was entirely alone. DParents were a few minutes away but too busy with their social clubs and their hobbies while I cared for twins, one of them seriously ill, on 1-2 hours sleep a night. I never really felt like our family were close after that and turned to DH's family instead.They have been much more involved in DC's upbringing and as a consequence we're all much closer to them.

RockinHippy I think now's about time you did your own experiment. Let's call it 'how many months until DF actually bothers to call me or if he notices I haven't called him".

Then you can chill out on that and focus on yourself and DD.

Like with many of my ex-friends, I wonder how many of them even know they are ex-friends - it's not like I cut them off, just stopped putting the effort in at my end.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare I feel like I don't have a lot of friends as I'm not prepared to do the whole one sided friendship thing. I think I've done a similar thing to you and just not made the effort and you find out who your friends are. I've been like this since I was a teenager and had a really crappy boyfriend. But it can make me feel a bit like I'm a loner too.

I know what you mean about the “loner” thing and I think this feeds back in to the idea earlier that you are a supporter, and do not need to be supported, and the people think you are strong enough not to need their attention or input.

Often I have I have felt like a loner even though I have a lot of friends. I feel often like I only hear from them when they need an ear to bark in to though, and I know for sure if I were in need, I’d get a cursory “mmm yes” and then we’d talk about their problems again.

I think the loner feeling for me is that although I have a lot of friendship groups, I am essentially a rogue going between them all, being there when needed and often an essential part of that for the group, but still never being fully listened to or appreciated. I have let a lot of friends go over the years and spent a long time feeling it was my failing. I see now that I’m older that it was an unequal partnership and I’d just had enough!

Just to let you know the FaceBook group is now live - DM me so I can invite you if you are interested.

It is a closed group - you will have to ask me to let you in - I am rather new to this so apologies for any delays!

My DHs family are like this and I find it so weird. I always show an interest and ask after them, their families their lives etc but nothing at all back. I think it’s self absorption really,