Family who don't ask about your life

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I've just spent some adult only time with some of my family (mum, sis and) Just women going out for lunch, intitated by me. This is rare as my sis has a toddler (who I adore) so a nice treat. I've come away feeling a bit flat. One of the things I really notice when I spend time with them (my dad is the same) very rarely does anyone asks questions about me or my life. So never say how are you, how's work, what you up to. I ask things like this to be interested in their lives and feel I carry the conversation a lot. Just wondering if anyone else has family like this? Does it make you feel bad too?

I like the sound of the fb page but I don't do fb, it gives me the heeby jeebys.

It’s not you, it’s them. They are bad listeners.

I have noticed this since my DM died a few years ago. She was the glue and the oracle. Without her, everyone has become more distant. It’s sad in a way but also I’m starting to feel liberated. Is that bad?

I don't think so - too often we feel we are obligated to spend time with people who don't add anything to your life.
Thing is, I also believe that we should also look out for people even if we don't like them - community is after all that you don't have to be friends with all people but aim to do things that benefit the most people at once and/or cause the least harm.

It seems that there are some people who find themselves the centre of obligation - they are the people who call other yet find when they need it reciprocating it is often lacking.

Ironically, my DM who I generally get on with still thinks I am about 13 with a typical 13 year old's skill at listerning and empathy. She is somewhat shocked when it transpires that others do see me as a voice of reason and empathy.

Anyone else up for the Facebook group please DM me.

This will be a good time of year for some experiments - like see if they notice if you don't bother with Christmas cards...

Blimey pretty relieved its not just me but a sad state of affairs all the same...
I have tried to unpick this as it been a very bad year for me in this regard . At times I have felt like a cardboard cut out or at best a microphone!
Its a form of being used I think...is it that people like us ( good listeners, empathetic, interested in the details of others lives etc) merely means we get used specifically for this purpose?
After reading this thread the awareness of you posters and the experiences you highlighted made me realise its a massive problem for me.
When going to my DH family gatherings not one person asks a thing about me. I would be surprised if they even know basic info about me tbh.
Yet...a lot of it was my own doing. I ask questions like a journalist getting the details, expressing concern/ joy/ whatever emotion was appropriate. They then took that as a sign its all about them 100% of the time!
I was so desperate to be liked/ accepted into this new family that I have tolerated this utter selfishness. But to be fair I also have/ had friends like this who once I put up boundaries dropped me at once...
So at a very recent family gathering I dropped the interest in all of them. Only to be accused of 'being quiet' there were a lot of awkward silences once I displayed zero interest verbally. My body language also indicated Im not really interested in hearing your monologues!
I think the final straw was coming back from a very special delayed honeymoon. Not one person asked one question but I was expected to sit through a description ofevery meal/ drink/ trip they had on their break. It beggared belief. Caused a bit of a rift between me and DH and told him no way am I going to spend Christmas with a load of utterly selfish bores.
Will DM regarding group I feel I could do with a little support. Sorry for vent!

My MIL Is like this. I work FT and amusing breadwinner. DH is PT and does most of the childcare. His job is a lot more relaxed pace than mine is. But everything we see them without fail MIL asks dh is he has a busy week at work Coming up. She has never asked me this.

This place is a place to vent! Totally get the feeling that I am a microphone. Or in my case an emotional toilet.

But get this, when it is their turn you couldn't see them for dust. Gatekeeping for mental illness is a real thing - it's like they think there is a monopoly on depression and anxiety and they have it!

Also, there is the weird dichotomy that they think of you as both a godlike entity and someone who is of no real importance - I've only come to realize this in the past 5 years!
Some of this comes from the fact I am autistic and was somewhat oblivious to others' contempt of me unless it was obvious. In once case a now ex-friend saying only eco-gullible people use washable nappies - I said I don't own a tumble drier and deleted him!

I realise this thread is quite old, but it still resonates with me. How is the OP doing now? My parents are the same, even more so now I have kids and am estranged of DS. Before I always told them whats going on in my life, but they never really listened. Now I stopped doing that I've noticed they don't ask questions. Even when my father in law died. My gran asked me how our holiday was the other day and I nearly cried she'd remember and was so kind to ask. DM is different in that when you tell her about big emotional stuff she really likes to sit and have a chat about it as she likes that turmoil. But just everyday talk about how people are is not that interested. Do people have tips how to feel less sad about it?

I was on a company training event a few years ago and attended a session called something like The Power Of You. It was all about the importance of focusing conversations around the word You instead of I, and the impact it can have.

I realised I was guilty of what everyone has been talking about in this thread. It changed my approach to conversations. I now make a huge effort to focus the conversation on the other person, and try and catch myself if I don't ask about them. I've noticed people REALLY appreciate it.

I also really notice it now if people don't ask about me.

I've thought about it a lot and think that many nce people have the "I" bad habit. If they realised what they were like and how sad they made some others feel they would be mortified. I think it's a lack of awareness. It's a conversational skill that for some reason they haven't picked up in life. Until I went on that course I had not even considered what my own conversational style might be like.

Now I know, I make the effort since for whatever reason it didn't come naturally to me.

There have been times when I've really wanted to say to someone "you know, after that long conversation we had the other day I know loads about your life, what do you know about mine?".

So, I'm philosophical about it now. It's a skill they don't have and they don't know they don't have it.

From experience I find that this is quite common... as a result I rarely share anything as after a tumbleweed second the majority of people just continue to talk about themselves. I have been tempted to drop in a bogus bit of shocking news to see what effect it has but can't really be bothered...
Listening skills are learnt in childhood and when you meet somebody who can hold a dialogue rather than a monologue then these are to treasure as rare birds!!

I don't think it's indicative of how much they love you or care about you.

I think it's probably one or a combination of;

• lack of social skills. Forgetting that people like to be asked about themselves, even if we assume we already know. Perhaps they were bought up or learned along the way to talk more about themselves than others.

• they have a lot going on and are caught up in their own thoughts

• social anxiety. Feeling overwhelmed in the conversation/situation and can forget what to ask so just go along with others conversations

• feeling emotionally drained in other regards and don't feel able to take on any one else's emotions or situations.

I'm sure your family treasure you. But I get it, it's tiring. I think, as you know this is what they're like, you have to accept it and try not to become bitter. Know that others will ask you, so when you're with family, learn to offer the information yourself.

You only get one family.

In my family we just shout out any interesting news - you would be waiting a long time for an intelligent question, so we don't wait to be drawn out.

People like that don’t want to know what your life is like because they are afraid it will make them feel discontented with their own lives.
They seem insecure and a bit pathetic.

Well, it happens to me. My entire family just cares for their pain, their issues, but noone asks about me. I got divorced recently. And I do get upset at them for not asking how I am doing, they obsess and start crying(my mum) that I am being rude to her and she has the worst daughter and she did everything for me and I divorced that lovely man so I chose this for myself.

I phoned my mum yesterday and she asked how I was and I've been thinking how thoughtful that was and unusual - that's not right is it!!

Mine seems to have a finite tolerance for asking questions - very few are asked and then an even more finite tolerance for letting you answer before she talks over you. Sometimes she asks the question then, in the space for you to talk just carried on talking. It's a vicious cycle as you then find yourself giving very short answers so it gets worse and worse!

Probably most of us know people like this. My cousin used to use me as her listening receptacle. Never contacted me, I used to go see her in her flat. She would make me a cup of tea, sit down and then launch into a one to two hour monologue of her life which, to be honest, wasn't very interesting. Filled with pointless drama and gossip. After a few sessions of this I realized she hadn't asked me a single question about my life so eventually I got bored and stopped going round. It was pure monologue!

Haven't heard from her for years since, except when I went NC with my mother and she sent me a long email out of the blue telling me what to do ie reconcile with my mother (acting as flying monkey). Interestingly every sentence began with 'I'. Have to say I admire her cheek for claiming an intimacy which didn't exist after years of tumbleweed silence 🤐

OP I had this with my parents and tried to tackle them on it but got nowhere. I know the names of my parents friends etc and what they are up to as I listen to my parents (even if I don't know their friends personally) my Mum couldn't tell you the name of any of my current friends or colleagues.I live a distance away so it doesn't occur to her to follow my life here. My parents were never very sociable so I just think they are not very good at being a 'friend' & following what's going on in your life. We obviously talk about family in common and my mum will ask about my kids (as they are part of her kingdom) but beyond that she doesn't really know much about my life. It has upset me on occasions but I don't see her that often & she won't ever change - despite me pointing it out in the past so there's no point lamenting it. I don't unsderstand it though as I'm interested in my kids lives and imagine I always will be.

My in laws are like this. Including dp's siblings. I actually couldn't tell you if they know what I do for a living. They know very little about me because they have never asked and I've had the opportunity to inject it into the conversation. The only thing they will possibly say is how are the dc (I have dc from previous relationship). And i've learnt to just say they are fine because when I've gone into details I get shut down. But if i was to ask them the names and ages of my DC I can guarantee they wouldn't have a scooby. Every conversation is about them or about them asking after everything DP is doing. They probably don't even realise I have a FT job. I now just sit quietly and drink coffee when we see them because I can't be arsed with the drama of their lives which is always the topic of conversation.
I think people like this are just very self centered and not very socially aware.

I have a cousin like this. When I see her she rarely ask me any questions and doesn’t even enquire after my parents, her aunt and uncle. I find it really weird because I find people fascinating and I’m genuinely interested in them.

I have family like this. I cant be bothered with them anymore than i have to. Its all about them. And when i do see them i have to steel myself to be ready and be all me me me, just to keep up with them. So i keep well back.

Last weekend I told my Dad I had a new job and that I was away for the week in Portugal. He barely acknowledged either piece of news, and pretty much changed the subject seconds later. Fast forward 4 days - I'm in Portugal and he calls me with an IT problem asking if I'm at home. I remind him I'm away in Portugal, answer his query then he just says 'bye' and rings off. I think it's a passive aggressive act, rooted in misogyny and resentment. He can't stand to think I might be enjoying myself.

I forgot I’d commented on this thread back in September but last week, I had a 12 minute “conversation” with my mum and when the call ended I realised (with no surprise) that she’d not asked anything about me. Once you notice it you can’t stop noticing and being irked I’ve found. It’s like an information dump, only when all her updates have been given can she ask about anyone else. It’s so counter to the accepted social norm ie where you both do the hi how are you piece before launching into an update. It’s quite interesting to observe though if you can take yourself out of the emotion.

Why are so many old threads being resurrected at the moment?