Family who don't ask about your life

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I've just spent some adult only time with some of my family (mum, sis and) Just women going out for lunch, intitated by me. This is rare as my sis has a toddler (who I adore) so a nice treat. I've come away feeling a bit flat. One of the things I really notice when I spend time with them (my dad is the same) very rarely does anyone asks questions about me or my life. So never say how are you, how's work, what you up to. I ask things like this to be interested in their lives and feel I carry the conversation a lot. Just wondering if anyone else has family like this? Does it make you feel bad too?

My dsis used to do this. I was the one with the education, the qualifications and a career. She didn't have those things, so she never mentioned any of it, ever. I didn't really notice though, and I didn't want her to feel awkward so I kept quiet.

Op, your comment about always looking for something that isn't there sums up how I feel exactly. And I don't know how to stop feeling sad about it.

My Dad is like this too we see him twice a year never asks how the DC or I am, just talks about random people I’ve never met and don’t know.

DH family are like this. I did a secret timed experiment with SIL once. She walked into our house (without knocking) sat down and proceeded to talk about herself - nothing else, not even her own child, just her- for half an hour straight. The only external comments were "mmm" and "that sounds nice" from DH. She then said goodbye and left.

Dh's family are like this. None of them give a shiny shit about him or our children. We gave up in them years ago nd it's bliss not having to talk to them.

OP, it is a problem. If they show no interest in you or your life you will gradually lose interest in theirs and when they get old and frail you won't have the bond they'll assume should be there to look after them. That's what;s happened in our family. DSis and I do our duty by my parents but nothing more. I don;t even ring them anymore. They have no interest in us but expect us to hang on their every hospital appointment and visit from old friends.

How do they respond when you talk about your life? Do they listen? I ask because (trying to see both sides here) I have friends and family members who, when I ask them how they are, all I get is "fine thanks". Sometimes it just feels too much like hard work dragging news out of them and I wish they'd just volunteer it more. I do want to hear, and will listen, but it's like they are waiting for me to do that conversational hard work and sometimes I'm tired and can't be bothered.

Fil is like this. He wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about me or dh for that matter.

My dad constantly asked “you alright?” But isn’t interested in the answer.

I've got the same with some of my family, sort of the opposite problem in that now I have kids that's all they're interested in so they ask about them rather than anything I'm doing. They might ask a generic "how's work" but not really mean it, and switch off as soon as I try to answer. So it's turned into "yeah ok" end of conversation.

I Am. confused. I ask my family and son all the time and am met with very little info.they complain I want to know too much,whilst I just think it’s caring.generally I only get a call when there is a problem or they want something.the art of conversation has died.

I wonder, if with people who aren't skilled on the art of conversation, you have to force your way in and stake a claim on a portion of the air time. I also wonder what's at the root of my own passivity that I let it happen.

We have a couple of friends like this - come to the conclusion they are just self-centred and self-indulged. If you ever do get a question of "how is x in your life" whatever you answer they immediately turn it back round to something far more severe in their own life.

How come I never meet people like this in life? Like minded. Funny and interested?thankyou I thought it was only me.

God this resonates massively!

Can I ask those of you who have this problem, are you generally quite competent, bright, emotionally intelligent people? I have quite a few friends and family members who seem to enjoy my company but ask absolutely nothing about me and my life. My partner thinks it’s because I have a certain amount of social capital (I live in a big city, take all my guests to cool/ off-the-beaten-track pubs, bars, galleries etc) and I am generally well attuned to other people’s emotions so people come away from their time with me feeling heard and pretty good about themselves but just don’t really know where to start asking about me or kind of forget that’s part of the bargain.

I also once had a bloke from work get very drunk at his leaving do and tell me pretty much the same thing. He said I’d been enormously supportive during his time in our organisation and that he really regretted not getting to know me better - but he said he felt intimidated and just didn’t know where to start, we’re the same age with lots of the same interests but he said I give off the impression of ‘really having my shit together’ and have a level of composure that he just can’t relate to. So whilst I made him feel really good about himself he felt he didn’t really have much to offer in return (which is totally not true!).

I’m not sure what the answer is to any of this but I’m grateful to have been given a little bit of insight by these people.

No it doesn't make me feel bad. I am a private person who wouldn't tell them the ins and outs of my life anyway. I don't see other people not prying as a bad thing myself. I just tell people I'm fine and everything is fine. Have no desire to detail any different.

If they were asking a thousand questions and having input on your answers that would probably be a thread too.

So for me it goes..I listen really well, genuinely interested and asking questions whilst they speak. Then I'll make some comment about me, but it's not picked up by the other person (they glaze over and go back to themselves). They seem to be having the most amazing time talking about themselves and I think oh well time to go soon. And I realise as I leave, fucks sake- how have I sat there and discussed mostly 100% about the other person. Are my friends and family more needy or do I listen too well? Or am I so used to these fuckers I don't know how to have a conversation either anymore?

In my case I only have siblings in my extended family and they never ask anything about me or my children. Never ever
Yet when their kids were growing up I was very involved with them and cared a lot about them. But I've never had the same care back. It makes me sad and I just keep away from them now cos I've accepted nothing will ever change.

VulcanRay that rings a bell. I don't live in an interesting city, sadly but I'm often told that I seem to have my shit together, am confident, good at taking charge etc. I must admit, I don't quite recognise the description of myself,but I am quite stoic and prefer to get on with things rather than endlessly talk about them in circles.

Hmm. I also wonder if these conversation oxygen sucker characters have always been about but when you're young - you're self absorbed too and don't notice. Or does time and loneliness mean people are so grateful for a capable listening ear that they just hair dryer you when they get a fresh set of ear?

Also I'm "a good listener", I got marks on it in school and everything!

DH is a very quiet, kind man, his siblings are loud and bolshy, sometimes I'm suprised he's from the same family. I think he was the background/captive audience when they were growing up, and they assume the same applies.

The lack of questioning/concern tends to translate to a physical lack of interest TOO-DH has helped his siblings move numerous times while they sat on their arses yet when we moved house (actually to the same area so not a distance issue) not one offered to help, despite me being heavily pregnant at the time

@puremagic you always seem to have good handle on all this stuff.

Yup. Same here. Not interested. Mother especially but she happily talks at great length about herself. I find it all a bit depressing. Low contact is the way to go I think. I mean it's just the art of conversation if nothing else!

I'be had the same with a family member I was really close too. She is like it with most people. Last year she was going on and on about her planned exciting holiday to Disney. She never once asked where I was going. I was going the same place and had already been there. I did mention it but she didn't ask one question about my experience or where we were going to stay ! Had the same conversation with a friend who didn't stop asking me questions about it and for advise. Like a real conversation!
Some people are so self absorbed AND lack conversation skills.
I'm really sad we are distant with each other now but it's just too frustrating spending time with her.

Wow so many people in the same boat! Thanks to everyone who has replied. It is so helpful to know I'm not alone in this! Mumsnet can be brutal so I'm really glad I posted. Was just feeling flat yesterday evening so needed to vent!

I recognise what lots of pp's are saying too. I recently saw a psychologist as part of the process before an operation. She said I have good analytical skills and emotional intelligence. It's also part of my job to relate to people.

I also think there's a lot of truth in starting to notice it as you become an adult. I remember really noticing this at uni as no one really paid interest in what I was doing.

I also think that there's a lot of truth in people in general not having great conversation skills. Obviously from this post lots of you have encountered this.

A few pp's also said they feel there is an inequality between them and wibli9in terms of success. I wouldn't say I'm massively successful but I would say I do probably have a happier life than the family members I'm talking about. I have a happier long term relationship and we share domestic stuff. We do things we enjoy and are generally happy. On the other hand I think they don't feel that, but don't change it. So can feel threatened when people talk about their different lives. So don't ask.