Family who don't ask about your life

[BuildBuildings]

I've just spent some adult only time with some of my family (mum, sis and) Just women going out for lunch, intitated by me. This is rare as my sis has a toddler (who I adore) so a nice treat. I've come away feeling a bit flat. One of the things I really notice when I spend time with them (my dad is the same) very rarely does anyone asks questions about me or my life. So never say how are you, how's work, what you up to. I ask things like this to be interested in their lives and feel I carry the conversation a lot. Just wondering if anyone else has family like this? Does it make you feel bad too?

@BuildBuildings - that's an interesting post. You've just made me realise something. If you tend to be quite analytical and emotionally intelligent (I am too - high scores in both on tests and my job demands both) maybe you instinctively filte rout the drivel. You know no one cares whether you've been to the GP or saw your friend they don;t know so you don't yack on about it. They do and so they think their every action is of massive interest to you. Then when you do have something you want to tell them, it's always quite big news that eclipses their trivia. Perhaps we only try to share when we have something crucial to say.

Se, I don't think that they think their every action is of importance to you. I don't think they think at all. I think they just like the sound of their own voice.

@ssd I agree their actions aren't always about me. It would be self centered to think so! But I do need to remind myself of that. It's about what's going on for them not me.

@milliefiori I do chat about stuff but I think you're right in that the more personal stuff I'll share only when I need to. When my family talk it's never much but surface talk. I can't ever imagine saying oh I've been really low this week.

Vulcanray your post completely resonates with me, I think you have nailed it.

There are probably many different reasons for this. Some people are total narcissists, and genuinely don’t give a shit about you and your news. They’re best avoided - there is no cure!
Others, like me, are autistic. We tend to struggle a bit with social chit chat, and just reply logically to the questions our family and friends ask us - without realising they want us to reciprocate by asking about them! We tend to operate on a very functional “need to know” basis.
My adult DD once pointed this out, rather hurt that she had asked me about my week, and I hadn’t asked about hers - she was itching to tell me about her promotion and pay rise!
Being autistic, I had assumed she would have simply told me all about it if she’d got it. The fact she didn’t mention it made me think perhaps it had fallen through and she would prefer me not to raise the subject.
Once she had broached the matter, I was of course delighted for her, and we discussed it at length. But perhaps OP and some of the PPs need to be a little more proactive in starting the conversation about themselves?

@Babdoc my family members do not have autism though so should be able to ask about others lives. I appreciate you do so may find social interactions that bit trickier. I also am very aware of autism or mental health issues when I meet new people and wouldn't judge them as not being interested if I didn't know what else they may have going on. I have mental health issues myself. I am proactive in what I say otherwise I'd never tell them anything about my life. But to be honest they don't ask any follow up questions or respond with much interest when I do this.

My aunt is not really interested in family at all. I meet up with her and do try to have some conversation with her but she is really socially awkward, even with family. She can happily walk up to anyone with a dog and start a conversation, but at her 'knit and natter' gets annoyed by all the grans going on about their Grandkids etc. If you asked her about any of us she would not know what to say

I can't imagine being honest about anything I feel with my wider family. It's all surface bollocks, I'm not a bragging person at all, but I reply to them with a 'we're all wonderful here too' chirpiness if you knew me you'd know is crap right away.

I am currently fazing out a friend because of this. I was listening to her 20 minute monologue about herself a couple of weeks ago and I realized that if anyone asked her "How is sonja getting on in her new job?" (I started a new job about 6 months ago), she couldn't actually answer them because she hasn't asked me one thing about it. Sod that.

I can relate. My sister-in-law is like this. I take a real interest in her daughters (my nieces), asking them about their lives and remembering details. She acts as if my children don't exist.

Ex-friend was similar and that is one of the reason's she is now an ex. Final straw was when I went to stay with her for the weekend and she talked on and on about herself. After hours of this I finally said, "It's nice to get away from all the stress at home" and she just managed to get out a very bored sounding "Oh yes, how are the kids?" before glazing over. I existed only as an audience to her life.

So many people are like this though! How do they get to middle age and not grasp how a conversation works? Baffling.

I am autistic and had to learn to be a good listener and grow emotional intelligence - however it has backed me into a corner since I have had the problem of being 'always the listener and never the listened to'. I have very few friends at university since most of them I realised were the highly emotionally needy selfish types who on further reflection never asked ME how I was. I didn't notice so much at the time since when good/bad stuff happened I would simply tell my friends about it when it came up in conversation - I didn't notice that they never solicited it but always talked about themselves and their feelings.

I came to the realization I was unevenly yoked when I had a break up and a close relative had a stroke - I wondered why only a handful of whom I considered close friends actually bothered to see how I was. It seemed I had 'changed lanes' and become the depressed person and I was undermining their right to be depressed!

So I wonder if the OP and others has been put simulataneously into the 'strong and resilient and maybe a bit intimidating' box and 'not proper human being worth bothering with' box.

there is apparently a Facebook group for us who have issues making friends because of these boxes?

I don’t think my mum has ever really listened to a word I’ve said. I don’t ever feel she knows or understands me. She never understood what my job was (it was a bloody good one as well) she talks about where she is going on holiday when I mention what I’ve booked, she talks over me, she forgets what I’ve said instantly and remembers something incorrectly because she wasn’t listening.

With friends and acquaintances I really feel what Vulcanray has said. I lift up other people. There is no one to lift me up (except DH) because I appear not to need it. I’ve had quite a horrible life actually, before I met DH, and people can’t look beyond the me they see now, not realising that everybody wants to be heard!

JohnMcCainsDeathStare You have worded that perfectly, I totally agree with everything you said there!

We tend to struggle a bit with social chit chat, and just reply logically to the questions our family and friends ask us - without realising they want us to reciprocate by asking about them!

I was in my early thirties before realising that if someone says "Have you made any plans for holidays?", then you tell them and then there's a pregnant pause, it means you're meant to ask them about their planned holiday; in fact to save time just refer to yours in passing and get straight to theirs as they won't be listening to your answer anyway

This was a gamechanger for me!!

Many many people are like this.
Seems people have poor communication skills these days.

Maybe people could put a daily reminder on their phones to ask about someone else's day. Especially good for people on the spectrum.

People won't bother asking about their loved ones but fawn over the well-being of some celebrity they've never met and doesn't know they exist.

This group is very good with online communication. Spelling, grammar, coherent thought, for the most part.

I tried to follow a long fb thread the other day, and I found it extremely difficult to follow. Very poor spelling and grammar (I'm far from perfect). The sentences were so poorly constructed, I had difficulty figuring out what they meant. It was rather scary seeing so many adults not be able to write a coherent thought.

I'm being more selfish these days - you cannot keep a bridge that's only maintained at one end. I still tend to be the one who calls though, but the list is a lot shorter.

It's a handful of people who have noticed how inactive I've been on Facebook these past 2 years. It has certainly been....revealing.

But perhaps OP and some of the PPs need to be a little more proactive in starting the conversation about themselves?
@Babdoc - I agree, we probably do. But if you grow up in a family where the adults always talk at you not with you and where you have been trained to be a good listener and supportive and trained out of ever expressing your own needs and wants or even commenting on your own dreams, desires or news, it's actually very very hard. I have an aversion to telling pepople how tough things are during bad phases because I was the sounding board for my depressive parents and then as @JohnMcCainsDeathStare says, attracted people who quickly worked out I was ace at being calm and supportive. So no practise ever at expressing my own needs and wants.

These days I withdraw from people who just want to offload and yack about themselves but never reciprocate. But it means my friendship group is tiny now and I'm still trying to shake a few of them off.

But perhaps OP and some of the PPs need to be a little more proactive in starting the conversation about themselves?

Listen, I could raise Jesus and my mum would say “mmm yes, I have to get to the doctors now though because I’ve had such a time with my toe” and it would never be mentioned ever again.

“Mum, remember that time I resurrected the dead?”
“Not really. Anyway don’t go on, I wanted to talk to you about your brother and how he’s upsetting me”

BRICK WALL

My DB and sil are like this. Have never asked about how I am when I always do, made assumptions about me or my state of mind as a result, and meeting them consequently leaves me feeling disappointed. So I have chosen to focus on my relationships with their kids and will ask about them instead.

just tell them if they dont ask.

People like this are emotional vampires. They suck you dry. Have no self awareness. And could talk for hours about themselves without it even crossing their mind it’s boring for others or reciprocate the interest.
I leave feeling exhausted which then turns to anger for their selfish behaviour. You put distance between you and they’ll just find someone else to talk at. And the cycle continues.

That’s brilliant Iampickle that’s is exactly what it is like!!

Dottypotter refer to Iampickles post, they don’t want to know! they will just glaze over and turn the conversation back to themselves, it’s very hard to tell people about what’s going on in your life when they glaze over and you get nothing back, it’s exhausting.

What I don’t understand if they don’t want to know. Why do they think you would want to know about them.

I don’t know if my family is like this. I tell my family all about my life whether they ask or not I wouldn’t notice if they didn’t ask 😂

Do you have friends/other family members who are more reciprocal in conversation?

You can’t change people. If they don’t care, they won’t care, no matter what. It feels a bit powerless and lonely in these situations.So in order to feel less bereft about these sorts of meetings, I’d limit them and have no expectations whatsoever. Be lovely, ask about their lives, smile and leave. Enjoy and value your time with the kinder people you know.