My DD has reverted in behaviour after spending time with her DF and granny

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

I had a c section and with no friends nor family to help my DD had to stay with her DF. Her grandmother was around too ,( and she has very questionable behaviour)
In the past week my DDs great grandmother was admitted to hospital with just a few days left to live

I had my DD overnight for the first time in two weeks and she's been saying the following:

1- it won't matter if my great granny dies as my granddad has promised me to get the money I'd usually get from her.

2- she went back to not being mindful about people being around her ( her granny is that way) and as a result she kicked me in my c section scar. (she's a big 9 year old).

3- went back to lying when she doesn't understand something I say and just replies "I don't know". I don't know myself why she sometimes doesn't understand what I say

4- she didn't go trick or treating ( she wanted to) because granny doesn't like going knocking on doors.

Unfortunately as I can't do the school runs by myself she'll be under their care for a few extra days.

If you're very concerned is their a reason at 9 she can't stay at home with you? Any friends nearby she could walk to school with? Not everyone likes to go door knocking- I don't blame the grandmother for that, and whilst crass, the comment about continuing picket money isn't that bad. She hasn't seen you, at your choice, for several weeks. It will take a bit of time for her settle back in- she got sent away because you were having another child and will come back to a sibling already several weeks old- she make take a little time to adjust. Although unless there are SEN issues she should have known not to hit/kick you, regardless of if you're post op or not.

Bugger trick or treating - she deliberately KICKED YOU IN THE STOMACH two weeks after a section? WTF???

Has she got additional needs? I would be tempted to leave her with her bloody granny. What a vile child.

She can't miss school and no, all the friends live on the other side of the town, so not convenient for them.

She tends not to to do things when she's around granny because granny doesn't like doing them, even if she want to.

And she's only been eating baked potatoes for the past two weeks.

It was unintentional, she was playing with the dog, but didn't figure out her kicks/elbows could reach me.

She also hit the dog :(

Hopefully she is just reacting from the freedom feeling she is getting from being away from her mum. I remember my younger brother would always play up whenever he had stayed at our grandmothers for a long weekend, he was just pushing his luck and testing my parents' boundaries.

OK, she's a child who has been sent away from home because of a new baby, is probably scared that something might happen to you and now has a sibling to deal with. She is bound to act out a bit.

That doesn't mean that there shouldn't be consequences for her in acting out - she wants to know that you love her and (weirdly) loving boundaries help her feel safe. If she's usually a good kid but two weeks with her GM has made her act more like a seven year old than a nine year old, then you can be fairly sure she'll go back to normal once life settles down again.

Thank you! We have 50/50 custody and the plan was more or less this one as my DM arrives this week and we'd rather have uninterrupted time with her too.

It was just such an abysmal change in behaviour.

And she's only been eating baked potatoes for the past two weeks

That's not her fault, it's the fault of the people who you let look after her. They don't sound suitable.

I don't want to have a go, but please remember that none of this is your DDs fault. The adults around her have made choices that have had a huge impact on her, and she's just struggling a bit to deal with that.

Ask friends to rally round for the next few days, you had a section for goodness sake so I'm sure they'll want to help.

At 9 years old she should have stayed with you and the baby. Unless she has additional needs there was no reason to let others care for her For more than the few nights you were in hospital. she’s old enough to help with chores and run around getting baby stuff for you

Like I mentioned this was the arrangement as my DM comes to visit for an extended period of time. We split the days as 50/50 as possible.

It's next week when they start becoming extra days because my DH goes back to work and he can't help with the school runs.

My DD will come back to stay with me for the next few weeks from Thursday.

Op l don't understand why a 9 yr old cannot stay with you.
l had 2 c-sections in 18 months and each time l still managed to look after both babies, without help, and then a baby and toddler, and after 2 weeks walk the dog slowly too, pushing the buggy.
Admittedly l had to do everything in slow motion and with great care.
Why can she not help you she is 9 yrs old!?

Why isn’t she at home.
At 9 she could have helped and felt more like a big sister instead of a spare part.

When your mother arrives are you saying she is still not going to be around?

FWIW I have had 2 c sections within 2 years. Dp spent 1 week at home then went back to work and I managed a toddler, new born, a dog that needed walking twice per day and the shopping with no outside help.

You know you have driven a wedge between your children with this behaviour.

I actually feel very angry on behalf of your dd

Stop being pathetic and look after all your children.

If you can’t look after 2 children without a host of help then why did you have another.

Just to be clear Dp worked away 2 weeks in every 4 so when I said he went back to work he wasn’t even in the country

Why do you need help on the school run? Is it because you can’t drive? Is it walkable? If not all you really need is someone to drive the 9 yo or take them in a taxi. Your mum can do that while you focus on the baby

New baby turns up, 9 year old is kicked out of the house for 2 weeks, no wonder she's misbehaving! You need to be spending time one-to-one with her to show her you still love and want her, poor kid!

Nobody kicked her out. She was supposed to have this schedule even before I had a c section.

That's just how her dad and I arrange things she had two homes and spends equal time one each of them, just that so my mum has uninterrupted time with her we put it in blocks of weeks rather than days. It's not the first time to happens (we arrange it this way when either of the grandparents visit).

I can usually manage, but I can't drive and the school is 40mins away walking with no public transport and I live up hill. There's no way I'll walk that while pushing a pram.

I'm also confused as to why she needed to go away for 2 weeks? Is the baby's dad still around and did he have paternity leave?

Is the reason for the school runs because you have to drive? If so, can you ask any other parents to take her (if your current partner can't?)

OP, are you saying that you have a husband at home, but have still sent your DD away? Just why???
When I had my 2nd DD my ex and I had 50/50 shared care. I had an induction and was able to book it a day before DD (aged 10) was due to go back to her DF, so she went back a day early. I ended up having to stay in hospital for a week, coming home the day she was due back to me. I too was very poorly.
My DH picked her up 3x to bring her to visit me in hospital, a round trip of 60 miles. My ex brought her to mine the day I returned home, and DH did the school run every day. Normal service was resumed from then on.
Your r DD is old enough to be at your house.
Your DH should be getting her to school.
I'd love jacket spuds for every meal!
Your DD is reverting in her behaviour because she can!

There are any number of things that could cause the behaviour change. To point blame at her father and grand mum could and probably will result in a counter allegation that you are to blame. Then your daughter will really be in the middle of a toxic battle at a challenging point in her life. One that could result in her becoming alienated from either of both of you.

Any behaviour change should be something you and her father jointly address. There isn’t any need to finger point.

Walk to school with DD pushing the pram and get a taxi home.

Poor girl. Why on earth can’t you cope with your existing dc and your baby? Why did you choose that school, knowing you can’t drive? How do you propose to manage school runs in future?

The whole situation sounds chaotic and not in your dd’s best interests at all. You’ve only seen her one night in the last two weeks? She must be feeling left out. How can she start to bond with the baby if she doesn’t see him?

And what do you mean, she’s gone back to lying when she doesn't understand something I say and just replies "I don't know". I don't know myself why she sometimes doesn't understand what I say? That’s major. Does she have any Sen? What investigations have you done?

Why does she need to spend blocks of time with her grandparents? It’s up to her parents to look after her. You’re failing her.

If you do has ‘questionable behaviour’, stop letting her look after dd and look after her yourself. Where’s your dh in all this? Where’s dd’s dad? I’m confused.

Her behaviour doesn't sound that bad - could it be that you are now expecting more from her because of the baby?

It's an easy (though very unfair) trap to fall into - you have chosen to have another child, so you decide that she suddenly needs to stop needing the same level of parenting she did before the baby arrived and grow up faster because it suits you.

Its going to be tough on her to go off to her dad's and see the baby being allowed to stay with you all the time - is this baby's father on the scene?