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Original poster

My DD has reverted in behaviour after spending time with her DF and granny

78 replies

Rainbowhairdontcare · 02/11/2019 08:51

I had a c section and with no friends nor family to help my DD had to stay with her DF. Her grandmother was around too ,( and she has very questionable behaviour)
In the past week my DDs great grandmother was admitted to hospital with just a few days left to live

I had my DD overnight for the first time in two weeks and she's been saying the following:

1- it won't matter if my great granny dies as my granddad has promised me to get the money I'd usually get from her.

2- she went back to not being mindful about people being around her ( her granny is that way) and as a result she kicked me in my c section scar. (she's a big 9 year old).

3- went back to lying when she doesn't understand something I say and just replies "I don't know". I don't know myself why she sometimes doesn't understand what I say

4- she didn't go trick or treating ( she wanted to) because granny doesn't like going knocking on doors.

Unfortunately as I can't do the school runs by myself she'll be under their care for a few extra days.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 02/11/2019 09:57

Wait a minute - theres a DH in the picture?? Theres ANOTHER ADULT living in your home and you sent your older kid away? Sorry but that is bloody disgraceful.

In that case, i have zero sympathy for you. I take back my condemnation of your DD; she is not vile. She is poorly parented. What the HELL were you thinking?

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 02/11/2019 10:08

For the millionth time, I didn't sent my older child away. That's the way it was agreed with her father so she could spend uninterrupted time with my mum who she hasn't seen in 18 months.

I tried to change them a bit but her father doesn't Like to change plans so they stayed that way.

They're now travelling to see their dying great grandma so it's all a moot point.

OP posts:
Strangerthingshere · 02/11/2019 10:14

From your DDs point of view though she may feel she has been sent away and then a new baby has arrived? Could explain unusual behaviour

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 02/11/2019 10:21

She stayed with us for a day last weekend (so she was introduced to her baby brother) and she was absolutely adorable.

It's more the copied attitudes form her grandma that I know very well that worry me, but hopefully they'll go away as soon as she stops spending so much time with her.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 02/11/2019 10:24

But did it not occur to you how it might feel from your DD's point of view? Whatever the adults had arranged between themselves, for her, it looks like she was sent away to make room for the baby. If she knows you dont like her granny thats even worse - you sent her off to stay with people you dont like, and who dont care for her properly.

Have you NO understanding of how kids think? This is basic stuff.

NerrSnerr · 02/11/2019 10:25

You didn't say it was because she could spend time with your mum, you said

I had a c section and with no friends nor family to help my DD had to stay with her DF.

And then said it was because you can't do the school run. It does really sound like you couldn't cope with her and that's why she went away for 2 weeks. If that's the impression we've got maybe that's the vibe she has got.

If you really think her grandmother had questionable behaviour why let her stay for 2 weeks solid?

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 02/11/2019 10:30

I expect she's acting up because you've just had a baby. And she also has missed you. Acting up is normal in these post partum situations. Ignore it and give her positive attention. Protect you scar with a cushion

amiapropermum · 02/11/2019 10:43

It might have been better and less unsettling to keep DD's schedule as normal as possible (days with each parent rather than weeks in blocks) and allowed her GM to adapt to DD's routine. Instead you've made a big change at an already turbulent time. Surely she could have kept to her normal routine and just spent time with her grandmother when she was with you. It's a lot of upheaval all at once

user1493494961 · 02/11/2019 10:50

If you have shared custody, presumably DD sees a lot of Granny anyway so I don't see how this would have suddenly affected her behaviour. As pp have said, she's probably feeling left out. (Fwiw, I wouldn't have gone trick or treating either.)

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/11/2019 11:43

If you keep sending her away and changing her schedule every time you have a baby, expect her to ask to stay permanently at the one home without a baby / doesn’t expect her to leave. Sounds like her gran and dad as flawed as they are still prioritize her needs.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 02/11/2019 12:26

No she doesn't see granny that much, she sees her more often than mine, but she gets to see her maybe three times a year, always in blocks of weeks. My DD is very close to her, so much that she used to get separation anxiety when she left (that was because she'd stay for weeks every other month when I was still married to her dad).

It's this up coming week the one that had to be changed because of the c section. I was in hospital a whole week, so even if I have wanted to she couldn't be with me, this week that is ending was part of the arrangement too. It just ended up being sheer luck that those two weeks fell whithin the two weeks of post partum recovery.

She's also staying with her dad that way because his parents are going to the Caribbean for six months so won't see her around Christmas.

This week, we were trying to decide about what was best for her. We were both ok with maybe chancing the school run even if not ideal, but then it turned out she would have to skip her after-school clubs and we both decided maybe it was best if she stayed with her dad for this upcoming days do she didn't have to miss out on those too.

Today she's been a lot better and praised her constantly for being such a good big sister

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 02/11/2019 13:00

Why does she have to go so long without seeing the other parent.

Also if she is in the care of your exmil so much then her father isn’t looking after her.
I would rearrange these blocks of weeks because it isn’t working.

Her father needs to take her for a few days per week and actually look after her for those few days and then you need to take her for the other time and alternate weekends

I had an automatic car so was driving 10 days post surgery, all be it very carefully.

reallyrandomwords · 02/11/2019 13:56

If the arrangement isn't unusual to her then it's probably more a normal sibling reaction to a new baby than anything to do with where she's stayed.

ExcitedForFuture · 02/11/2019 15:48

This is why 50/50 arrangements are not a good idea and not in the best interests of the child. Children need a stable home, not homes and never being able to settle because they're constantly on the move.

readitandwept · 02/11/2019 16:52

This is @niteandfog, so no doubt everything has been done to suit OP, with DD at the bottom of the food chain. The DD that she was going to leave here with her then husband and go back to America without if her AF didn't leave his wife for her.

The kids been through a shit ton of change in a very short period! Probably has no idea if she's coming or going.

Volvemos · 02/11/2019 16:57

All this is a lot to expect a 9yo to cope with. Birth, death & shuttled between houses with different or conflicting rules and expectations.

readitandwept · 02/11/2019 16:58

Where the SC, OP? They been palmed off for a fortnight too, or have they been having time with you and their dad and new baby?

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 02/11/2019 17:29

My DSC have been with us since Wednesday. Which is what I suggested to my exH but he didn't want the change of plans. Same for next week they're staying some extra days next week to make up for the days I was in hospital.

Indeed my exH doesn't look after our DD at all if his DM is around it's always been that way and a contentious issue.

OP posts:
FridalovesDiego · 02/11/2019 17:33

Why is her grandmother getting vilified? The only thing wrong was her repeating the nasty thing her grandfather said.

Haffiana · 02/11/2019 17:36

Quite apart from the points pps have made, this actually chills me:

3- went back to lying when she doesn't understand something I say and just replies "I don't know". I don't know myself why she sometimes doesn't understand what I say

You accuse your daughter of lying because she doesn't understand what you are saying, and replies with complete truth "I don't know"? .

There is something terribly wrong with the way you have portrayed your relationship with your daughter. The complete lack of empathy towards her and the way you perceive her as being not mindful towards you because of an accident is simply chilling.

Wizzbangpop · 02/11/2019 17:46

What's the usual pattern of 50:50 for you?

Is it normally 2 weeks with you and 2 weeks with df? If it is then no wonder she's playing up because with 2 different rules and expectations. She has to transition between the two. And with everything else that's happening it's talking longer to readjust.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/11/2019 18:00

Indeed my exH doesn't look after our DD at all if his DM is around it's always been that way and a contentious issue

Then he shouldn’t complain about wanting to change the plans if he doesn’t even look after her.

Parental care is between you and the child’s father.

If he can’t do that then she should be with you the majority of the time and if he wishes EOW and one night during the week.

FWIW my own mother would be incredulous that I didn’t understand what she was saying but most of it was because she would tell me one thing then tell me to do the complete opposite in the same sentence or expect me to do things that I was not capable of.

blackcat86 · 02/11/2019 18:09

No 1 isnt very nice but apart from that I'm struggling to share your concerns. A lot of 9 year olds are a bit haphazard or struggle to say if they dont know something (that's dont lying btw). Also a lot of people dislike knocking on doors for halloween particularly if they dont live in a super kid friendly area. I'm surprised that you didnt get more of a support system in place before baby arrived.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 02/11/2019 18:09

I don't really get some of the posters on this thread. The 9 year old is in 50/50 custody and would have spent this week or two with dad anyway. School is a 40 minute walk uphill - that's no bloody way she should be doing that and back twice a day post-c section!

readitandwept · 02/11/2019 18:10

Indeed my exH doesn't look after our DD at all if his DM is around it's always been that way and a contentious issue

Yet this is the man you were still happy to leave her with if your affair didn't work out. The man who was prepared to also have your SC when you were in labour, if necessary. The man you said has become such a better man since your divorce.