Getting my DH back

[wXyZ123]

I have been with my DH for over 30 years, he has left me, I don’t think he is happy, I would like him to come back and I am frightened of being alone, this is my story, please help me.

As soon as I met my in-laws I felt intimidated by them. DH shared too much information with them, was too influenced by them, put them first and became melancholy after he saw them. I asked him not to see them, to keep away for as long as it took for things to improve. We had occasional contact which always upset us both.

After about 5 years we married, my parents were unwell and could not attend, I did not want DH’s family there.

After our children were born we saw DH’s sister, we all seemed to get on ok but the relationship fizzled out, DH says that was because there was always an “elephant in the room” – the broken relationship with his parents who even now I have only allowed to see our 18 year old children twice.

I was frustrated that rather than build a social life for us or to recognise the efforts I had made with his sister, DH seemed only to focus on what he did not have with his parents and sister.

Nine years ago, I discovered DH was seeing his parents and contacting his sister behind my back, I gave him an “us or them” ultimatum. Later I discovered I had breast cancer, my oncologist told me the stress of discovering DH’s deceit in seeing his parents may have been a contributory factor. I told DH, I don’t think he accepts any responsibility. Our already minimal sex life dropped to non-existent.

DH tried to broker a thaw in relationships, but all that happened was that he and I rowed, he never saw how hurt I was by his parent’s attitude to me , how frightened I was, only how we had wronged them and how he felt

Three years ago DH walked out, leaving me alone with our children. I let him have space but told him I could not cope unless there was a chance of reconciliation. He said there was, we met a few times, he said he felt he should return but did not want to.

After a year he seemed to want to return, but confessed to an affair with a former girlfriend I was devastated. DH and his parents justified his behaviour suggesting I was at least partly culpable. I wanted DH to be contrite and to break all contact with OW . DH wanted me to make returning appealing to him, to promise not to keep him from his parents and sister. Meanwhile OW would not let him go, threatened me with police action if I contacted her and suggested to the police that DH had been the victim of coercive control inflicted by me. As a result of the police threat and learning of the affair our children don’t want to see DH till the OW is out of the picture.

Now DH tells me that the guilt he feels at having only seen our children once in 3 years (and not at all since he confessed to his affair), at leaving me alone to do everything, at the sorrow he has inflicted, makes him want to return but that he loves OW.

I think DH is depressed and unhappy, that he should leave OW and then try to rebuild a life with me and our children. DH says he wishes he could; rewind time, had handled our differences better and had not got into the position he has.

How can I resolve this? I want the best for me, for DH and our children. When I tell DH how I blame OW he defends her, says its not her fault and that she was his life raft in time of need, that he would like us all (his parents, sister and OW) to be friends – I tell him that is cloud cuckoo land which seems to drive him back to OW

What should I do?

*had

Blaming your cancer on your husband because he was seeing his family is fucking disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself for even suggesting that! If my partner said that to me, he'd never hear from me again!

If the man has any sense he'll stay as far away from you as is humanly fucking possible.

There is no way this was written by the wife. No one can be that ignorant.

Definitely a reverse by the OW or husband even.

What have I just read...

It's a rare thing to get the opportunity to read a post by an abusive spouse and in fact it has made me think about how many abusers there are out there, utterly ignorant of being abusive.

Maybe my abusive Ex really didn't realise he was an abuser? Who knows. On a sociological level it's fascinating.

In reality, OP, this is awful and makes my skin crawl. You are engaging in emotional violence, have done for 30 years. I hope you find strength to seek help and let him go.

As soon as I met my in-laws I felt intimidated by them. DH shared too much information with them, was too influenced by them, put them first and became melancholy after he saw them. I asked him not to see them, to keep away for as long as it took for things to improve. We had occasional contact which always upset us both.

You see, going by the OPs manipulative and controlling behaviour I suspect the husband used his parents as a sounding board about the batshittery, and they told him she was abusive, hence him being sad and down when he came back from seeing them.

I was baffled when I first read this, but I suspect now it's just a post to get everyone going. Probably isn't even true.. we all just took the bait.

I had thought about writing a longer, more nuanced initial post but thought no one would read it all so went for something short – Your responses make me feel ashamed, I have to try to explain more:

Krazynights34 asks “Are you seriously saying that your DH’s family did nothing “wrong” only that you felt intimidated by them (why?)” MMadness asks “You isolated him from his entire family? Why? How did they intimidate you?”
RedPandaFluff asks “Perhaps tell us more about why you feel so strongly about not wanting him to have contact with his family?”

Before DH first introduced me to his parents he warned me that his mother was a depressive and socially anxious (she has latterly been diagnosed asbergers) saying we should not make a big deal of our visit and keep it short.
When we met his father was patronising and made me feel foolish, he commented on me referring to the train station, not just to the station, how quaint, I felt he looked down on me

On an early , perhaps the first visit his mother was alone with me and told me not to marry him. When I later told DH he would not believe that she would have said that, he insisted I must have miss heard, or misunderstood or that his mother had misspoken (anything but accept any criticism of his parents)

Later when I was about to move in with DH he told his parents who were offering him old single beds for his new house, that he was buying a double because I would be moving in with him, his mother told him it would be nice if we married first and on the strength of that he asked me – (even though he had proposed some months earlier and I had declined as we had only known each other a few months). I found knowing he had told them we would be sleeping together and had allowed discussion of our potentially marrying profoundly disturbing and embarrassing. I declined his second proposal and deferred moving from a flat I was unhappy in to give DH space, albeit he did say I should still move in.

All our meetings were awkward, any mention of them seemed to make DH somehow different, we got on better if we did not mention them.

I know his mother met up with a former girlfriend of his (the OW) and told her about us
I wrote to his parents asking them not to interfere, his father wrote to me , making me feel put down, telling me my behaviour was not “the done thing”.

At around that time I found a draft letter that DH had written to OW, he promised me that he never sent it but I became convinced his parents wanted him to be with her, not me and that it was this tension that made DH different when he came back from seeing his parents. That is why I suggested time apart , I remember when DH asked how long I said “A week, a month a year.. just long enough for you to show your independence”

DH never really exerted his independence, mention of his family made him morose and it was easier just to do nothing, we had good times if we did not mention them sadly I never really understood how DH relay felt, he just seemed to get angry and blame it all on me, never see any possibility of fault in his parents.

I liked his sister, but our relationship suffered because of mine with his parents

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy asks “He's only seen his kids once in 3 years? WTF? Is this because you won't let him, or because he doesn't want to?
When DH left I had no idea there was an OW. One of our children was weeks away from his GCSEs I was left to do everything and told DH that the hope he would return was all that was keeping me going. DH led me to believe it was worth us trying to work things out.

I suggested to our children that they meet DH but they said they did not want to be involved in anything that might influence DH either way. I told DH and he did not push it for a year. Then he did and I arranged a meeting at home. After the meeting DH confessed his affair to me and said he wanted to come back – then he didn’t. The children knew about his flip flopping and were devastated. As some of you have said they are now young adults, what they do is up to them but they have told me they never want contact with OW.

Anotherlongdrive asks “Was this an affair, or did he start seeing someone in the year between him leaving and telling you about her?
DH had a relationship with OW years before he met me. He has told me that at difficult times in our relationship he thought of her. When he confessed his affair he said she had written to him out of the blue- and he had replied and met her before he walked out and that they were having sex very soon after. I spent a year defending DH to our children and friends, meeting him every month or so to work things through (he was away on a weekly commuting job before he left, leaving just meant he didn’t come back at weekends) worrying about how he was surviving lonely weekends. More fool me, he was with her.

Why were you contacting her at all? And what were you saying?
dontgobaconmyheart asks Why would she be threatening police, do you contact her? Why are the police involved?

When DH said he wanted to come back I contacted OW by text asking her to confirm the affair was over. She replied not to confirm that, but threatening that if I contacted her again she would go to the police. I took this to be an idle threat and over the following 18 months sent occasional texts and one letter, some describing her as an adulterous whore – I know that was unwise, but was shocked to get a formal letter from the police telling me to desist. As a woman scorned I think I have been restrained.

Further to that OP why do you even want him back?
I worry for DH that he is obsessed with OW and that in due course limerence will wear off and he will realise all that he has lost. Also that he will see that OW’s reaction to my initial contact was wrong, she could have just blocked my number on her phone, I think she is unhinged and wants to keep me out of her fairy tale life with her childhood love. I want the best for him and believe that the best for all of us is to be a family again. I have apologised to DH that I did not realise the effect no contact with his family was having on him – I wish he could see that whilst I did some wrong things so has he and so have his parents, I want us to move forward together , I still care for him.

So you cut out his family because his dad made a comment about you saying something about train stations and his mum making what was presumably light hearted comments about marriage and double beds??? Are you fucking kidding here????

You're worried he is obsessed with her?

Have you thought about your obsession?

Erm... your update doesn’t make you sound any better.

Bloody hell. This doesn't get any better. As I said before OP, you cannot force another person to severe relationships with their family. You just can't. But you did and your husband spent years miserable as a result and now he has left you. And yes, you harassed the OW, no two ways about it. It still reads to me as if he re-connected with her after leaving you, so you had no right at all, morally or any other way, to say the things you said to her. Yet you want a pat on the back for being restrained?! You really can't seem to see how controlling you are. You also sound as awkward as his parents, if we can believe your latest post, very quick to take offence. I notice you give no answer for the criticisms over you blaming him for your cancer? Learn your lessons, OP - if you treat your children the same way, you will be a very lonely lady.

I really cannot get over that you wrote to his mother when she met up with one of his old girlfriends and had a go at her about it! The woman is entitled to be friends with whomever she pleases and you had no right to criticise. Your behaviour has been outrageous from the start, it would seem, and your husband has been foolish enough to give in to you. You care for him, do you? I think the only thing you care about is that he managed to chew through his leg restraints and now won't come when he is called!

Op
You are exactly like my ex. Blinkered, narcissistic, with unrealistic expectations.

Leave your very much ex dh to it and move forward with your life.

I've read that update but I'm afraid I'm still if the opinion that you abused him throughout your 30 years. Let him go . Work out what your issue is.

My ex was controlling of who I talked about "private " stuff to - but I've been told by a police officer that he was very much in the wrong , displayed controlling coercive behaviour and was abusing me in all manner of ways - I fear you will not see the error of your ways . But you are very much in the wrong here no matter how you tell it . You isolated him from family - no wonder they didn't like you , your reasons for not liking them are , written here, flimsy at best ! He made comments about the train?? And in that basis yku isolated your husband and children from their family?? Get a grip . Own your wrongs.

You have had a letter from the police and you still think you are in the right?

You need help clearly to move forward. I suggest you see your GP as a first step.

@wXyZ123 maybe, just maybe, you should accept he wants her and not you.
He was with her first and still wants to be with her 30 years later.

You've been emotionally manipulative for 30 years - let him go and be happy now.

I feel sorry for everyone in this situation with the exception of you OP. You are clearly completely off your rocker and literally everyone else has suffered in one way or another, because of you.

And just to rub salt in the wound you STILL cannot see how appallingly you have behaved and seek to justify yourself!! You owe many people some huge apologies.

So basically, he told his parents he was buying a double bed as you were moving in, and you took issue with that?

And his mum told his old girlfriend that he was now seeing you. And this was also an issue.

So you 'suggested' that he not see his parents for an indeterminate amount of time - with him only being allowed to see them again once, in your view, he was exerting sufficient 'independence'. And funnily enough he never jumped over that hurdle to your satisfaction.

I suggested to our children that they meet DH but they said they did not want to be involved in anything that might influence DH either way.

Wait, so you were suggesting to your kids that they meet with him in order to persuade him to come back? Why else would they think that contact with them would constitue an attempt to influence him?

This whole thing is appalling.

I'm honestly speechless at this. Surely OP is taking us for a ride? NOBODY and I really mean NOBODY could act the way that's been described and see no issue with it.

Oh Jesus. I have aspergers. My partner may be slightly pedantic. Are we destined to lose our beloved son for making a future daughter in law feel uncomfiortable

I am sorry OP but you need to let him go and move on. Your update doesn’t really help your case. You seem unbalanced and hugely over-sensitive to very petty issues. You seem to want everything your way and finally your husband has got wise to it. Get some serious counselling and move on. Life is too short

Tbh that doesnt make it sound any better.

People talk to their parents if they are thinking about getting married. He said you were moving in so needed a double bed. He didnt te her you favourite sex positions.

His mother has aspergers. Maybe she did say dont marry him. My son has aspergers and sometimes they say it how it is. Maybe she felt you werent compatible. But you have made no allowances for the fact that she was clearly socially awkward. The example of fil looking down on you for saying train station, suggests you look for offence where there is non.

Did he leave or did you tell him to leave?

You cant just out someone out of their home until they learn to be the way you want them to be and expect them to just come back.

This marriage is a mess. He isnt innocent.

But the people being damaged are the kids. Why on earth would the kids think seeing him would be them getting involved in Influencing him to come back?

Did you tell them seeing him might make him come back? That aside it seems like your kids may have more sense than you or stbexh. They probably arent keen on you getting back together.

Leave the 'OW' alone. You may think you have been restrained but you have harrased her.

The thing that sticks with me is your need for him to take responsibility for you getting cancer. Honestly, pp that one act (telling him your oncologist said that) and that one expectation says so much about what sort of person you are.

Op, you need counselling, for many reasons. But you need it to move on. He iant coming back.

RespectabeForTheREspectable Thank you, you summed it up beautifully! I am still gasping in shock here and therefore not very coherent!

Going out in a limb here ....

His mum has AS yes?

My son does . My brother and uncle and my main care giver also had AS And my ex was definitely very very odd but strangely believed he was absolutely omnipotent. Always right .

I think I'm attracted to odd balls. It's familiar.

I think your dh is probably similar to me . Long suffering another odd balls shite because it was familiar - even when toxic .

Realise that it is YOU With the problem op! Not him. Not his new partner. You.

Oddball meant affectionately in the main btw .