14 year old won't come home at right time

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He gave me one address but he's not there. He's at another friend's house.

Says he's fine but won't come home until he's ready.

10pm curfew when he's at a friend's house.

Now he's taking the piss.

I'm so cheesed off with him.

But I'm pretty powerless really. What on earth can I do about this?

He's turned off the find friends tracker on his phone.

Tell him you'll come looking for him

Tell him if he doesn't get his ass home your taking his iPhone and any consoles until he can learn to stick to the rules op.

If he still takes no notice follow up on what you say.

If he's not home by the time you have told him....go and get him!
Drag him out of there!

Take his phone off him....he wouldn't like that. Then say he can't go out until he learns to do as he is told!

He lied about his whereabouts. I don't know where he is.

When you do find him and he does come home make sure there are consequences- no WiFi, phone/ devices/ consoles works in this house!

So you can't do anything right this second. Wait until he comes back. Say nothing tonight as it's already late for him.

10pm is too late a curfew. Personally I wouldn't have a curfew system at his age. He shouldn't be out and about. Let his friend come to your house. I would totally remove the curfew idea. And say if he switches tracker off again, he leaves you no choice but to ask him to give you his phone. If he won't give you, you'll have to turn off his service.

It shouldn't come to any of that. Just say you don't want him going out every night and coming back by curfew like in a boarding house. He's at home in the evening. He asks you if he wants to go out and you first discuss with him if he's done his homework, where he's going and with who, etc.

You have to retrieve your control. ASAP. He's too young.

I cannot imagine a situation in which my 14 year old would be out at night with a curfew. You cannot let this go on. You have to pull him in.

What sanctions work with him op?
This is unacceptable behaviour. I'd keep calm with him tonight but have a firm discussion tomorrow. He has been rude, disrespectful and put himself as risk. Proof in fact that he doesn't have the emotional maturity he thinks he has.

Why is he even out on a school night

It's half term where I live.

@fabbychix it’s half term for some

You said he was at another friends house?

But yes I repeat what all the pps say! My son would not be getting away with this!

10pm seems ok if he complies ... but my DD's had to tell me where they were and I picked them up at that age

Well if your child won't follow the rules then you need to punish him. It's not rocket science. Take away his phone or change the wifi password or take away the x box. Punish him in a way that he will care about it.

You are not powerless. Especially not if he learns that you always follow tgrough.

Yes so my darling ds is a liar.

He said he was at one address. He's not. He's somewhere else. Won't tell me where

Xbox and iPad have been confiscated.

However he's the type to come home and start slamming doors etc

He's always had rages. Always since he was 2. And yes we've sought therapy and counselling for him. Nothing changed.

Why is he even out on a school night

Eh?

It's half term.

Even if it's not half term though.

Do people seriously lock their teenagers in the house Monday - Friday

I'd guess he's trick or treating tonight?

If this is the first time he's done this you tell him it's completely unacceptable, and you no longer trust him to be where he says he is. If he turns off the tracker on his phone he doesn't get to have his phone. This needs billing in the bud.

I always made it clear to my D.C. if they don't come home immediately when told to they don't go out the next day. Let him slam around. It's better than he's safe and slamming around than off where you have no idea.

We have a rule in our house. If DS isn’t home by the time I have specified he doesn’t go out the next day. Three strikes = grounded for a week. Likewise any phone related misbehaviour. He’s actually had his iphone took off him for the foreseeable future because he continually breached boundaries. He’s had the Nokia of shame for a while now and tbh he’s been a different kid, much less attitude.

You need to set firm boundaries, then follow up with logical consequences when he breaches them. Staying out later than agreed = you can’t trust him so he spends the next day inside etc. It’s a bastard to implement to start with but it works if you hold firm and ignore the tantrumming.

@Cobblersandhogwash 'However he's the type to come home and start slamming doors etc

He's always had rages. Always since he was 2. And yes we've sought therapy and counselling for him. Nothing changed.'

The NHS can be hopeless, but please keep going back and telling them there's been little change or whatever until it's sorted out. Eventually they might well hit on something that helps.

Oh, and staying calm is the key. I have had to work on this as I get quite angry, but you’ll find if you stay calm, talk quietly and be firm and to the point it can descalate a lot of the tension. Also don’t get involved in circular arguments and ignore the attitude. If you rise to his provocation it ends up ina showdown. If you’re calm and to the point and resist the urge to get into a shouting match it’ll take the wind right out of his sails.

I can't go and look for him. I've got three other dcs asleep in bed.

He doesn't respond to consequences. I mean obviously he gets very angry about punishments but his behaviour doesn't change long term. He'll do all the right things to earn back privilege and then do what he likes as soon as he's got it.