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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

14 year old won't come home at right time

93 replies

Cobblersandhogwash · 31/10/2019 21:16

He gave me one address but he's not there. He's at another friend's house.

Says he's fine but won't come home until he's ready.

10pm curfew when he's at a friend's house.

Now he's taking the piss.

I'm so cheesed off with him.

But I'm pretty powerless really. What on earth can I do about this?

He's turned off the find friends tracker on his phone.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 01/11/2019 11:52

Maybe he picks up on the vibe that you hate being his mother .
Do you do anything nice together ? Just the two of you ?
I have teenage boys so understand the problems . They won’t change unless u start treating them differently.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/11/2019 11:55

Smashing up the house etc is NOT a normal teenage reaction, particularly when there are younger children living there. I would have to call the police.

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/11/2019 12:12

I have done everything. Believe me. Love bombing. Lots of time one on one.

And now I don't care anymore. I think it was when he punched me in the head and tried to get out of the moving car after I told him calling sister a fat whore was unacceptable.

You know, there are some rotten eggs in the works. Perhaps he's one of them.

My other three dcs are pleasant, friendly,

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 01/11/2019 12:13

World not works.

OP posts:
Devilrocknroller · 01/11/2019 12:27

Hmm, has he ever seen a psychologist? Could be undiagnosed mental health issues?

Choufleur · 01/11/2019 12:33

How is he today OP?

Some of the comments on this thread are bonkers btw. I imagine lots of people spend a fortune on bubblewrap to wrap their teens in.

DS (13) was out last night til 9pm (just randomly wandering around with friends as it was halloween!)

mcmen05 · 01/11/2019 12:36

@Cobblersandhogwash glad to hear he is home
My dd1 is 16 and I hate the lying.
As long as I know where she is Im ok and she has to come home at curfew as we live in country and no buses so has to be collected.
Is it dangerous where you live.
That's a big fear I have my dd2 is 14 and dd1 16 and I can not settle until they are home.
I hoping the lying has stopped but I feel it very hard to trust dd1 as she tells so many lies in the past.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/11/2019 12:38

You could be describing my Dd, she has (undiagnosed) PDA.
She was in care for 14 months as I was worried about our safety.
Things are much better now, she's 18, lives with her bf and is at college.

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/11/2019 12:40

He's seen three different counsellors. All of them said no problem.

He just does not care about being pleasant or cooperatives or friendly.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 01/11/2019 12:40

What age did he go to boarding school ?

What was his reasons for wanting to go to boarding school . I really can’t imagine my own Ds even asking in anger.

Has he been assessed . How your other children behave is irrelevant here . Did they go to boarding school.

There is likely to be something behind this whether it is as a result of how he grew up an undiagnosed condition

It is hard parenting a child behaving this way but you do need some intervention.

Is his dad out the picture as you haven’t mentioned him

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/11/2019 12:40

I'm looking forward to when he's 18. And leaves.

OP posts:
chocolatelover9 · 01/11/2019 12:44

If he doesnt come back on his curfew then lock the doors, he'll soon learn

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/11/2019 12:47

He'll just bash and bash at the doors until it breaks or the neighbours call the police. He doesn't care.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 01/11/2019 13:37

He is 14 . She can’t just lock the doors . 🙈

Raindancer411 · 01/11/2019 15:02

Not meaning this horribly, but it maybe one day he will get in trouble and end up in prison. It could be the wake up call he needs. I feel for you :(

runawaywithusthissummer · 01/11/2019 15:18

Prison isn't a wake up call. It tends to make angry people angrier.

Raindancer411 · 01/11/2019 15:22

I have known it to scare some people enough though.

cherryblossomgin · 01/11/2019 15:25

You could Remove internet access by changing the password and remove electronics that you purchased. If he isn't following your rules then don't give him privileges if you want him to have a phone buy him a basic phone that can only call and text and say thats it until he behaves.

I would also be asking him to provide the contact details of his friends parents so you can check if he is lying. If he isn't where he says he is that another day without his phone/internet.

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 15:31

To him, rules are an irrelevance.

Ever had a child like that? Who actually really doesn't care and who isn't afraid to smash in doors if he's pissed off?'

'And now I don't care anymore. I think it was when he punched me in the head and tried to get out of the moving car after I told him calling sister a fat whore was unacceptable.

You know, there are some rotten eggs in the works. Perhaps he's one of them.'

'He'll just bash and bash at the doors until it breaks or the neighbours call the police. He doesn't care.'

As a PP has said, he could end up eventually in prison for some reason, if he carries on like this. Yes, some people are different from others, but there's still some stuff that can be done, especially when they're still children.

IDK what the counsellors were that he's seen, but a psychiatrist is the appropriate person qualified to treat stuff like this. After assessing him, they can then perhaps refer him to someone who can help.

You have to speak to the professional and go in with him so they know what's actually happening and he can't just charm them.

A generic boarding school wouldn't be ideal. He needs, if anything, somewhere suited to helping children with behavioural issues.

I don't mean any of this horribly or anything- I have mental health problems and stuff myself, and the earlier these things are dealt with, the less likely they are to cause issues in adult life.

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 15:32

It doesn't sound like a mental health problem as such, but a behavioural/personality problem. There are things they can do for that.

Beamur · 01/11/2019 21:27

You sound as if you're at the end of your tether. This must be so hard Flowers

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/11/2019 21:44

I just don't know what to do.

He just doesn't respond to normal entreaties.

How will he manage as an adult?

He's very bright. Very courteous at school. No problem there

OP posts:
Startingoveragain1 · 01/11/2019 22:05

Does he have a samsung account on his phone? Are u able to check that? U can track the location of the phone through that . If not, dont worry , he will be back, and when he does follow a plan and stay consistent (theres very good advise on how to approach it from pp, whatisthisfuckery is on the money) direct consequences, dont engage in argumentative talk, be clear, fair and calm and follow through no feelings shown. (Then go get urself some wine as a reward) just dont let emotion tell you how to react at the time. Have a plan and follow it .

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/11/2019 22:13

Christ I don't know what to suggest with that one. Stop setting him a curfew maybe? Go grey rock on him for a while - no laundry no cooking no lifts no interest.. try and shock him into a reaction?

StartingAgainID · 01/11/2019 23:20

OP - I could have written every one of your posts. One of mine was uncontrollable. Out way beyond when he said he would be, the lying and the tempers etc.

I really feel for you. It hurts so much when people say 'why didn't you do this? Or that' because I imagine you probably have and more, repeatedly. Even taking away his shoes doesn't stop him disappearing off into the night. I have no advice other than to reassure you that mine did grow out of it, although he did eventually had to go back to school in the UK. Are you in France? We desperately tried to get help for us and him, and we never found it. School and police were useless. But he did grow up eventually.

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