14 year old won't come home at right time

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He gave me one address but he's not there. He's at another friend's house.

Says he's fine but won't come home until he's ready.

10pm curfew when he's at a friend's house.

Now he's taking the piss.

I'm so cheesed off with him.

But I'm pretty powerless really. What on earth can I do about this?

He's turned off the find friends tracker on his phone.

To the posters who are saying 'he shouldn't be allowed out'. What do you do when he just leaves? Disappears out without saying?

Very sorry OP.

I posted about something similar using a different name. The amount of smug posters saying their children would never do such a thing... Best to ignore people who have absolutely no clue what it’s likd to have a genuinely defiant child.

I don’t have any great advice for you. Is your son’s dad around and can he back you up?

You might get a better response on the Teenagers board.

Yes there are some children out there who just don't respond to the usual motivations and punishments.

Occasionally there is a glimmer of normal behaviour like yesterday he said he was going to watch the rugby with his friend and I said he wasn't. He was grounded. He said try and stop him and left the supper table in a huff

He later came down down and said he'd cancelled his friend. So that was something.

I've not talked to him about his late return. His dad (he's away) and I agreed to discuss it next week and I think the waiting is doing his nut in a bit.

I can't stand the constant swearing and name calling.

He loathes his sister. Utterly detests her. And sneers at her at every opportunity.

@StartingAgainID so your ds is grown up now? Fully functioning adult?

Does he recall his childhood and how he behaved? Or would you rather not talk about it with him?

@Cobblersandhogwash He still has his moments. But generally he is polite and helpful. When he's being great I do recall back and say how far he's come and he seems sheepish. I think the problem was that he'd got caught up in a group of much older children who had more freedom and encouraged him to take him. Plus I think there were drugs involved - he was underage so less likely to be punished if caught making their deliveries. We were lucky that we could get him away from that. Like yours, he was smart, so he got into a good sixth form college. Getting him away from kids that weren't going anywhere helped. And he needed boundaries, but none of ours worked. (They did with the other kids. It's not like we let everyone go feral). Believe me. We tried everything.

@Starlight456

@Starlight456 (sorry. My post didn't send).

Why don't you just lock the door? - 14 year olds can open doors.
Take the key away? - He'll go out another door.
Lock all the doors! - he'll go out a window.
Lock the windows - what if there's a fire?
Lock all the things. - he's not afraid to break doors to get out. Plus it'll traumatise the younger kids.

I went through all this for years. Even sleeping in the doorway of his room so he wouldn't abscond. It's exhausting.

@Starlight456 and now I come back to apologise. You were supporting the OP rather than criticising. I'm sorry. I read in a hurry and this is a topic that makes me shake is all the emotions. Sorry again x

I certainly think family counselling could be helpful ... mediation really to come up with a set of rules that he will abide by, a set of responsibilities that he will uphold and to realise the consequences of his actions. Needs to be someone experienced in this type of work though. I know several people who have had these sorts of issues, nice middle class homes, you are not alone! The good news is mostly they grow out of it, in fact better they get through this stage early

If a 14 year old isn't home at a reasonable time and certainly after an hour of his curfew and you don't know exactly where he is, I'd say he needs to be reported missing to the police.
Maybe you could just tell him that next time this is what you'll do
His age will be seen as a vulnerability and the police will, most likely, visit the homes of his known friends. He wont like this and neither will they. This may well encourage him to stick to your house rules about time

@StartingAgainID thank you . I read your first post and was confused.

Reality is sometimes normal parenting techniques don’t work . There are people who simply don’t bother parenting for various reasons , many not about laziness but for some children they don’t respond to normal parenting.

But sometimes the suggestions are ridiculous. Locking a 14 year old out is up on most ridiculous suggestions I have read.

My daughter went missing from the children's unit she was living in and went to a city 4 hours away aged 15.
Even the authorities couldn't keep her in so no idea how normal parents are meant to do it.

I think some people really do not realise that not all children respond in the same way or at all to traditional discipline. My autistic child needs different strategies. And it is bloody hard work.

Exactly, except they wouldn't accept that mine is autistic, and Dd had no trust in them at all so refused to be assesed.
She absolutely is autistic, PDA which isn't recognised in many authorities either.
She knows, she accepts it now, to a degree, but still won't be assessed.

Have you heard of NVR? Non violent resistance

Or therapeutic parenting?

Ooh no I haven't hear of those. I'll research.

Hmm ... so tricky OP.

I have some of the issues you have, perhaps not as extreme.

I think you have to draw back and disengage as much as is practically feasible. Someone mentioned grey rock. Try it for a few weeks and see what happens.

My version is - basic stuff still applies. E.g. Text you should be back (by 8, 9 10 or whatever). Or please do x (chore). Keep it up, at a basic level, a minimum, even if it is ignored. Although not toooo many
rules or commands, as I believe its just overwhelming for them. A couple a day should be enough. Outside that, don't bother communicating.

Why wouldn't you let him watch the rugby by the way? I am sure there was a good reason, but it did seem a strange prohibition.

I do agree with whoever said there is too much control of teenagers now - though I understand its reasoning to keep them out of trouble at an impressionable age.

My experience has been that if your teen won't comply with v simple and basic and reasonable requests, then all you can do is not respond! You can still make the request though; one day they may even comply.

Generally, grey rock is the perfect description. Get on with your own life or the rest of family life. If a teen absolutely refuses to comply there is very little you can do IMO, and getting involved in a power struggle seldom works. I myself have spend the last 1/2 hour to get my son to fill in an important form - one completely for his benefit. I only have time to do it this afternoon. However, he's been so hostile and rude and ridiculous, so I've just stopped and left him to sort it out on his own!

Grey rock. You can't control everything OP and you can't take on every burden. I hope these difficult teens improve with age and by adulthood can cope better, as happened with poster StartingAgain

(The only exception to grey rock is breaking the law and violence: I'd get the police / social services involved then).

At the end of the day, it sounds a lifetime, but its only a few years until he's 18. And if things get even worse, you always have the option of contacting social services, though I don't know how that works and if its of any use.

@Lamtupe thank you for your post. Sounds wise.

Re rugby, he had come home at 1am two nights and therefore he wasn't allowed to chip off to his friend's house for the rugby plus he had a physio appointment.