14 year old won't come home at right time

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He gave me one address but he's not there. He's at another friend's house.

Says he's fine but won't come home until he's ready.

10pm curfew when he's at a friend's house.

Now he's taking the piss.

I'm so cheesed off with him.

But I'm pretty powerless really. What on earth can I do about this?

He's turned off the find friends tracker on his phone.

It's ds's birthday tomorrow. I have a big day out planned.

I know ds1 will stay at his friend's house. I'll be frantic. Have to call police if he's not home in morning. Otherwise how do I know he's safe?

And ds2's birthday will be shit.

OP, I did a parenting course and it has been very helpful. Teens are bloody difficult to deal with at the best of times so learning some strategies to cope can really help.

It’s like the old MN saying, you can’t control how others behave, you can only control how you react to it.

Ds1 knows about the big day out and early start. As usual he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself

@Whatisthisfuckery so your ds is grounded when he misbehaves?

What if he just decides to go out? To barge past you and leaves?

Ds1 is a big lad. He knows he is.

Teenagers nowadays are very over controlled. (not suggesting you are OP ..just some of the answers on this thread are bonkers ! People are asking why is he out???

A 14 yr old should be able to visit friends in an evening - no wonder kids reach university age with no common sense.

I feel your pain. I think as a previous poster said, try to remain calm when he does come home. I wouldn’t take away the consoles yet, as this will fuel the fire tonight & wont help the situation.
Definitely try to get more help & remember like toddlerhood, it is just a phase, which will pass. Hang in the on in there.

You could technically report him missing to the police x

You have brought this on yourself partly, 10pm is too late for a 14 year old to be randomly out. And your 14 year old should respect you enough not to push past if grounded , it’s not about physical strength it’s about your dc respecting you.

Is he home yet, OP? Do you have access to his social media? You could just post something like "if anyone knows where Cobblers Junior is, send him home please"... it might be embarrassing enough to bring him back.

I really do feel your pain. Its easy to say ground him, but you cant actually wrestle him to the floor
Are there any large male relatives / friends who could have a come-to-Jesus talk with him in the next few days? Is his dad in the picture at all?

Take his phone off him.

Oh yes @MyDcAreMarvel , I do know it's all my fault. Always have done.

But what do you do when someone lies to you?

You have brought this on yourself partly

Ever stop to think before you post?

Here we have a parent, on a parenting forum, which has a 14 year old who is god knows where and your response is that

Awful. Really bloody awful of you. Seriously, why post? Maybe just keep scrolling and sit on your hands if the only thing you can think of is to have a go.

I would be frantic if my 14yo wasn't coming home.

Be fucking nice.

I think if you can feel happy that he's safe then grey rock him.
Ignore the fact that he stayed out and lied & don't under any circumstances allow tonight to spoil your other dc's birthday tomorrow.
Try to find a time when he's calm and talk properly about this scenario, how you feel when he does this, whether 10 is reasonable (I think so).
For the sake of your others you need to get him onside but tonight's not the time for that

I said you have partly by having such a late curfew, at no point did I say it was all your fault. Don’t twist my words.

Just to reiterate previous PP. Not at all helpful to lay into OP. She clearly cares and doing everything she can to have her DS behave as she sees fit. As one who has a child who basically has always pushed every boundary I sympathise entirely. Agree with the stay calm tonight (or whenever you get him home) advice and then a calm chat. It may not feel like it's helping but that and consistent consequences won't do any harm. Good luck

Actually were the curfew 8 or 9 or 10 or 11, ds1 would still do what he does.

To him, rules are an irrelevance.

Ever had a child like that? Who actually really doesn't care and who isn't afraid to smash in doors if he's pissed off?

Will he respond to a text, tell him u you are going to contact all his friends parents if he doesn’t contact you immediately or failing that the police. At this stage tell him you are genuinely worried, try not to show anger at this stage. Hard I know.
When he does get home tell him you will deal with it after the birthday

My mum used to say if I was not home by 10, the door would be locked. I'd be left outside for a couple of hours.

Call the police to report a missing minor. You don't know where he is, and this is a safeguarding matter. When he eventually surfaces, get police to tell him off for wasting their time. Remove all pocket money or other funds. Go in his room while is out and remove spare cash. He is less likely to stray from home if he is broke. This means not keeping spare cash in the home where he can steal it.

You cannot stop him behaving badly, but you can stop funding it. Ask social services for help. He has aggression issues and that impacts your other children, as well as yourself.

Removing stuff doesn’t work for my Ds . Like your will rant then deal with it.

I would say the approach is remove everything told him he was entitled and he would earn everything he isn’t entitled to anything except food , warmth and love.

So he has not been given his phone back he gets it to leave the house and he has to earn it each time, he has lost a couple of activities and did earn the time to go out tonight.

It means he is rewarded with a bit of phone time rather than he behaves and status quo returns . This only started a week ago so no idea how long it will work but have had a much better week

He's back.

I told him to go to bed. I've got four hours sleep now.

I will deal with this on Saturday.

I've been where you are now app, exact same issues . Nothing worked. Violence at home if consequences were used . He's in foster care now .

I'd get in touch with children's services pronto especially if there are other kids at home to safeguard.

@Cobblersandhogwash It might be worth posting in the teens section for more advice

@Ooogetyooo yes. I'm looking at boarding schools. He was at one before - his choice - and he asked to leave and move abroad with us.

He is just obnoxious. Tells us to fuck off and shut up all the time.

I hate being his mother. He's just so unpleasant.