Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Bunnies, I’m struggling too today. Sundays are hard and the affair information is so raw. The pain and emptiness are visceral. I want to call, I want to text, I want a hug, I want to cry and cry. The loneliness is like a huge hole in my stomach and heart. But what can I do? I’m not going to beg. He doesn’t yet know that I know about the affair, and the lies, and the deceit, and the betrayal. It is so hard. Sharing here makes it a little easier. I feel less alone.

Sorry you're having a tough day too @SuperbMonkey this is so hard  every time you find yourself thinking about him try to turn your focus back onto yourself. What can you do to be kind to yourself? What can you do to make your life better? I think it was @unicornsarereal72 that recommended to me a brilliant technique of thinking about her favourite pudding whenever her ex popped into her head. I like that one!

Hugs to everyone having a tough day today.

Thanks for the kind words and advice Shins. I will try that advice. I ended up reaching out to friends who sent me funny texts and loving words.

I'd second (third?) the view that - although you want to reach out to him for reassurance, he isn't the person you will get it from. You'll feel worse for the reaching out because, at best, you will get a dismissive reaction, at worst you'll get a 'what the hell are you telling me for?' Even if it's about something that they SHOULD need to know!

Reassurance and comfort will come from the places you least suspect, co-workers, family, even the kids. I admit that I leaned on my children (they were teens) when my marriage (not to their father) broke up, and they were wonderful.

Breaking the habit of turning to the person who's always been there is hard. It makes you feel awful. But it can be done. KOKO, lass!

Thanks Zaphods. My support system is more limited - no kids, not currently working. The betrayal has been particularly difficult as he still doesn’t know that I know. The lies told have been extensive and the behaviour very cruel. I am non contact and starting divorce proceedings/having counselling/seeing GP. I am reminding myself that if I reached out to him he will be rude and dismissive or, more probably, ignore me. Many of our mutual friends who know the truth about the long history of lying and acting are disgusted. That helps. It is however hard to get through the day at present. Airing here with likeminded people/fellow adventurers helps.

Superb, I am so, so sorry. That must be so raw and painful, and I agree Sundays are pants. The lying and deception make things so much harder.

I don't 'know' that DH has been seeing/is seeing his first love. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's likely. Especially as someone with her first name, from that location, popped up on my 'someone you may know' on Facebook. Hmmm.

Like you, I find the cruelty/unkindness particularly hard to bear. I don't think he could have found a more hurtful, less respectful way of dealing with it. Although he's now backtracked on it all being my fault, the cold, calm way he's speaking to me is so distressing. It's like talking to a robot.

Why theses men couldn't just be honest I don't know. It would still be devastating but at least we wouldn't feel so value-less. But then, of course, they would have to face up to themselves, what they've done, and we can't have that, can we?

I am sorry you have a limited support system IRL, but counselling, GP, friends are all good, and feeling the warmth and support here is also very helpful. After a few almost decent days, I am still feeling like shit after the weekend, so I completely empathise with how you feel. Have a massive hug from me.

It's funny, I never really saw the point of 'hugs' online, but I genuinely am taking comfort in every bit of support and kindness, virtual hug, emoji and xxx. I hope you do too.

unicorns I'm sorry your H didn't step up with the dc. To be honest this whole time he's been up there, he hasn't really done much to lessen the distance. In fact sometimes seemed a bit peevish they weren't rushing up to see him. So I suppose this is no different, really.

I haven't really given too much thought to making Christmas a bit different. I can't really think of it without crying at the moment. We always had a really simple, but really lovely day. Will have to think of something.

Shins, yes, I did see unicorns' advice on thinking pudding. I'm more of a savoury girl myself, so am trying to think of cheese! I just can't quite get myself to thinking about what will make me feel good, feel better. I'm still not even managing to get on with anything at home, the place is a bit of a pit.

I will, but I am still in that semi-denial stage where if I try and move on too much, then it's all real!!

KOKO indeed Zaphod. I did actually end up having a little cry on dd yesterday. I just couldn't stop the tears and she just came and gave me a hug, which was lovely.

Sorry for bit of a long one, wanted to respond to all of you.

I am drafting yet another email, that I'm going to go over with lovely counsellor tomorrow. This is more in the spirit of 'I see you' than anything else. Will it get sent? Don't know. LC was non-committal. But good to write if nothing else.

Thank you re: work event. I am proud of that, it was a real achievement. I have shared with friends/family, but I have to be honest, it's just not the same. But I will work on that.

Bunnies, your post is lovely. I have started making notes on my IPad or phone when sadness sweeps over me, reminding me why I will ultimately be better off without him as he is no longer the man I married or a man I want to spend time with. It’s not pretty reading!

That sounds like a good idea Superb. I might try that at some point. Can't quite bring myself to just yet.

I am stuck at the moment. I have this loop of just thinking about him ensconced with ow. For some reason, I am now certain she has been on the scene for a while. And I want to know. But do I?

I think because I have been drafting this email, which in my deepest heart of hearts I am still hoping will make him see sense, so my head is now just battering home the fact that that isn't going to happen.

Found out ds has messaged H about perhaps coming for Christmas day. Which I something I mentioned to both dc a little while ago as something I might think about, but now what? H is up for it apparently. Will have to see what dd thinks and then try and work out what to do.

It sounds all very civilised, but can I do it? Should I do it as I so desperately want him back, despite all common sense? Won't it be awful?

Loathing everything today, including myself.

What a difficult position you are in.

As for knowing about the ow. Would it change anything. My ex denied it was an affair he met her the day he left apparently. As i told him then and now. It isn't relevant. And nothing would come from it either way.

Christmas is a tough one. Could you bear it? Your children are old enough to discuss with them what they want and how that impacts upon you.

How far away is he? Could he come for lunch and the children go back with him for a day or two?

The Christmas ex left was awful. I thought I was doing the right thing by the children. But we basically ignored each other all day and that day he went out and met ow. And didn't come back. Just do what is right for you.

In one way it wouldn't change anything. But it might make it easier to move on? Because I am still tying myself in knots over the inconsistencies/contradictions in what he's told me. So I keep thinking he's possibly just in a bad headspace and might change his mind. And I still want him back.

But on the other hand, it would be horrific. So...

Christmas I just don't know. He lives hours away, so no way of doing a few hours. There would have to be at least one overnight.

Ds couldn't wouldn't go back with him, and dd and I have plans soon after Christmas so not sure that would work. Will have to think.

I'd like to do it for dc, but I just don't know I could bear it, knowing that I still love him so.

Especially as he can be so lovely, I am worried I might think he wanted me back, when actually he was just being friendly.

That would be such a blow.

If possible now I am feeling worse than ever. I wonder if it is the anti-depressants? The GP did say I might feel worse before I feel better, and it's been about a week.

I feel desperate. Really struggling to function.

Sorry to read that. Hope you can find something to do that gives you comfort.

Bunnies, you poor thing. The reality is that the only evidence on whether there is or isn’t an OW that you can trust is that of your own eyes! I have found that promises made and appearing kindly are apt to be broken when convenient. I guess it’s a case of planning for all eventualities. My GP said that the anti-ds might make me feel worse before I felt better. I’ve taken only 1 because I was so angry about being medicalised by someone else’s crap behaviour. I might have to revisit that. Take great care of yourself.

If I can offer advice - don't let him come for Christmas. I did that with my kids' dad, I thought it was for the best for the children but really it wasn't. They just got the false impression that we were friendly and might get back together, and wanted us to do cuddly 'family' things that I really didn't feel like. HE, on the other hand, got a lovely family Christmas, all his food cooked, warm house, got to play happy families, to then be able to sod off and leave me to manage alone again afterwards, feeling worse (and this isn't the XH that broke me totally, I split up with kids' dad of my own volition, because he was a lazy, non-parenting bastard, but I still found it hard).

Sorry you're struggling bunnies it's all so new and raw, give yourself time

I really wouldn't agree to him coming for Xmas, that sounds like it would be a huge headfuck, way too soon to be thinking about this and it's ok to put yourself first. The dc can still see him but I don't think it's fair for the responsibility for this to fall to you, if he wants to see them let him organise it.

It's ok to tell the dc it's too much too soon, they are old enough to understand that.

I agree. I am 2 years post break up. First Xmas I let him come over. Massive mistake. It was horrific.

Thank you all.No, I don't think Christmas will work at all.

I seem to have completely spiralled the last couple of days. Had to come home early.

I can't lie, I am still waiting/hoping for that phone call saying it is a big mistake.

Interspersed with 'knowing' he is with her, and interspersed with thinking, 'ok, this is my life now.'

I just can't get rid of all these thoughts. I can't seem to get any peace to even think straight. And every time I try and face things, I just get all hot and prickly.

I'm not sleeping at all well, I am eating but probably not enough and I feel so ill and tired.

Awful time for you, but it will pass, I promise.

You just have to remember Small that this is as bad as it will ever be. It might not feel like it, but every day that passes you are one day away from the worst day.

Things will go up and down and back and forth, but you will find your new normal. Hopefully the anti-ds will start to help give you some peace in your head soon, then you can start to sort your thoughts out a bit more.

Bunnies, we are at a very similar stage. What you describe is normal. Horrible but normal. I’m about to go away for a few days somewhere nice with friends. My boiler breaks down. Can’t be looked at until Monday. Will cost money to repair or replace, money that I don’t have. I felt like sitting on the floor and weeping. But picked myself up, sourced electric heaters and have just worked out how to operate the gas fire for the first time. Some small satisfaction there. We need to celebrate those small successes.

Thank you MLM, and Zaphod yes, I knew there would be ups and downs, but this is is almost worse than at the beginning. Really hoping it's the 'worse' bit of anti-d's and they will kick in soon.

Am in awe, Superb - that should be a big satisfaction! I am rather ashamed as my house is so grotty - and my bedroom's a pit. Just haven't really been up to doing anything.

Although, in the spirit of being positive, I did 3 home-cooked dinners this week for me, dd & ds. Pizza tonight though!

We 3 are away this weekend with a variety of lovely friends. It will be good to see them and do something different. Although I did see them all with H too, more often than not it was just me or me and the kids, so hopefully it will feel normal and I won't 'pine' too much.

Although I must confess, part of me doesn't want to go. I feel quite safe curled up in my chair here.

Big celebratory cheer for the home cooked dinners. That’s definitely awesome. It isn’t easy cooking in these circumstances. As time goes by and denial starts just a little bit to give way to a sort of acceptance but that feels like an admission of defeat which feels worse. Then there is a veering back to denial coupled with hope. It’s a rollercoaster as everyone says. Going away for the weekend is a good thing to do. I completely understand wanting to curl up safe in the chair too. It’s all feels like too much responsibility and effort. Take it slow.

It will be good for you to have some different company and I am sure you will a lovely few days and lift you

I'm back to fuming angry. Ex stopped paying child support last summer so went to cms Oct 2018. Took them six months to get deduction of earnings in place only for him to loose his job. 6 month of being unemployed ( but still getting mod pension). Started work Oct 2019. Promised deduction of earning to be set up. Only for him to go self employed. I am Fuming. Cms will start court process. But will take 6 months to get date. So it will of been 2 year without a penny support from him.

I'm disgusted how any parent can think that is ok and that the agencies to support with these things are so in affective. Will dust myself off and keep moving forward. The money he should pay would make such a difference to the children's quality of life. We get by and I am so very grateful. But I could give them so much more if he just paid his way.

Sorry rant over. Just needed to get it out.

Bunnies, hoping you are having a good weekend away. Bumping this thread up the page.