Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

I’m faking it until I make it!! You should have seen me at the weekend. You are strong too. The problem is, when we contact them, it feeds their egos. They choose whether and, if so, when, to respond. They know that a lack of response causes pain, but that is outweighed by hiding from the truth. The latter feels comfortable so that’s what they go with. My husband is defining his life by what feels ‘comfortable’ and what feels ‘uncomfortable’. I am entirely uncomfortable because he can’t face the guilt. I am a hard chair rather than a soft sofa!

Yes I get that. I don't know if H didn't inadvertently confirm my belief when we spoke at the weekend, when he told me about looking back and seeing his failure etc. AN uncomfortable truth perhaps. And then me reminding him of a few things he had forgotten all about. Maybe the comfy/uncomfy seats analogy fits him too!

Although it was about the dc, so thought a quick email would have been fairly easy.

Bunnies you are doing just fine. I'm pleased your gp was supportive. It is funny how these ex's have walked away from their old life completely. And I can concur they don't want any reminders of that part of their lives. I guess it makes it easier to just pretend it never happened.

I'm sorry he ignored your e mail. I communicate about the children but I don't expect a response. So just give the information I need too. It is done with the intention to hurt. I don't give it the power too. Although at this early stage I know you want him to have a relationship with the children and support that. I spent the first few months letting him come and go as it suited him. But that didn't work for me. So soon set up eow. With some flexibility. But that got taken advantage of. So now it is set in stone.

His relationship with the children is on him. Not you. A hard adjustment to make after so many years of facilitating him. It is up to him to step up now.

Monkeys. You kick arse. I like your comfortable/uncomfortable analogy. Ex doesn't come to the door now. So I am definitely part of the uncomfortable.

Hi Bunnies. How are you doing today?

Thanks unicorns, and Superb.

Strangely calm today, after a shit day yesterday. Assuming day 1 of anti-depressants is too soon to be feeling effects (!!) so guessing just knackered more than anything.

Another good counselling session this evening. She noted I largely spoke about him. Hmm.

Feel a bit numb to be honest.

You said about 'facilitating', unicorns. Interestingly, in all my waffle about H with Lovely Counsellor, quite a lot seemed to be me telling her how I did this for him at that point, or didn't say something at a different point because he was feeling down etc

I seem to have enabled him a lot. Including potentially enabling him to walk away! Somewhere along the line I have perhaps lost myself a bit, because of being so aware of his feelings.

I must be fair though, except perhaps for odd times, up until the last year say when he really was in a bad way, he was always very supportive and caring towards me. I think he's always needed more 'managing', and I am more straightforward, but we were always pretty well balanced on that front.

But perhaps I did let myself play second fiddle for a while.

Who knows.

Hope you are both doing ok. x

My situation has become clearer. Trying to send an email via a website caused an email chain to pop up which my STBXH had either forgotten to delete or left with the intention that I would see it. Having denied several times that he was having an affair, it is clear that a relationship between him and his first ever girlfriend has been rekindled in all respects and they are crazily in love (having broken up twice when they were teenagers/young adults). My intention is to start the formalities tomorrow. The emails sound like those of 18 year olds, cringeworthy. I’m upset but at least now I know what I’m dealing with. Pathetic.

@SuperbMonkey I'm sorry you had to find that. I can't imagine how upsetting it must of been for you. Start the formalities. And keep going Day by day you will get further away from this difficult time.

Just checking in to see how things are Small? I'm such a long way down the recovery line, but I still remember that horror when life had to change so drastically.

I, too, did everything to facilitate my XH, he was ASD and hated having to function in society - so there were a lot of conversations along the lines of 'can you ring them, I don't want to have to explain things on the phone' when utilities were concerned, and one memorable occasion when he was at home all day and I ended up taking a broken lawnmower to work with me to get it fixed on my way home, because he 'didn't want to have to talk to the people in the shop'.

then, when we split up I told him that I'd had to stand between him and the real world, and his answer was 'well, I never asked you to!'

Yes you bloody did, every bloody day!

Sometimes we lose a bit of ourselves, just trying to help someone else.

Oh Superb, I am so, so sorry. What is it with these idiots and their 'first loves'?? I still don't know if mine has been, is, or will be involved with his. 28 years ago they were last together...

Thanks, Zaphod, really struggling today after better yesterday. Feel almost panicky and constantly on verge of tears. So many 'this can't be real' thoughts going through my head.' Sod it.

He was actually better than me at dealing/talking with people. My enabling was more just stroking his ego, cheerleading and talking him through things. Apart from a couple of occasions (which he has forgotten).

Drafting yet another email. An angrier one this time. I thought I had got everything out, but this is building like a compulsion.

Not sending until I have shown it to lovely counsellor next week. (And maybe not at all).

Have chased re: contact with dd & ds, but still no reply. I wonder if, despite his nicer tone at the weekend, he is actually angry that I mentioned his pension so is punishing me.

I feel ready to burst again. Can't go outside as it's like a monsoon out there, and usual office escape is in use.

I feel as bad as I did when he first told me. This is shit.

A handhold bunnies, keep writing, let it out 💐

Keep writing. Draft e mails here or a journal. Whatever suits you but get it out. All the anger and emotions. He doesn't get to see this shit. And doesnt want to.

I would send one last message about contact with the children along the lines. I will leave it in your hands the door is always open. For you to see the children.

So pleased to hear that you feel supported by your counsellor. Mine was a bit wishy washy. But was a safe place to unburden myself.

Be kind to yourself tonight. Eat something lovely. Wrap up warm and rest x

bunnies please don’t take the blame for him choosing to ignore his own children. That is entirely his call. And my god he’ll live to regret it

Thanks Tiger and unicorns. I am now stuck wishing and wishing he had never got the job. Just reading another thread about someone working away during the week, and nearly everyone has said it's a recipe for disaster.

Our distance was much further, and no way would home every week have worked, and as it was it was longer between times seeing each other.

So now it seems inevitable that it happened, and I feel so fucking stupid for not seeing it coming. t didn't even cross my mind, I was so excited that we had some plans going forward. Took it so much for granted that we were so strong it would be fine.

Well, we both were in truth. I would give anything to be able to turn the clock back.

Working away doesn’t have to be a disaster if both parties are decent people who are committed to the relationship and the family. The fact he is not a decent person is not your fault OP, it’s his. Do not blame yourself.

But Tiger, honestly I think he was a decent person, mostly. I'm no saint, I'm selfish and sulky and weird, and pig-headed.

But I can't bear this. I just don't understand. If he had told me a few months ago he was having these feelings we could have talked. Even if the end result was the same I would have felt respected, instead of feeling I have so little value I wasn't worth a conversation.

I know it's not my fault, and I know it was selfish and unkind of him but why wasn't I even worth allowing into the conversation?

To think that he cherry picked things that 'may' have been an issue, picked negative thoughts and feelings and ascribed them to the relationship as a whole. It doesn't sound like he even weighed then against all the many, many good things.

It's so cowardly, being so scared to face yourself, face the fact that you may have been instrumental in your own failures, and preferring to push everything away.

It's just not logical, or fair. So much of what he's saying is just so, so odd and not rational or normal.

Or, of course, I am being a gigantic fool, and ow has been there for a while.

So, so recently we were talking about the future. I am finding it so hard to accept. I hate this person he has become.

I did get a brief text about the dc. We are both watching the same tv programme (same account). All I want to do is text and have chats about it like we would normally do. I can't believe I am here and he is there and not thinking about me, or worse, with someone else. He loved me so much. And I still love him so much.

If I can't wake up and it's all a dream, I really, really want to wake up and that part has gone from my head and my heart.

I so admire all of you who have gone through this, or still going through it. You are such strong women. I feel so pathetic.

You are not pathetic in anyway. And none of this is on you. I felt/feel the same as you do. Ex was working away funnily enough. He had a great job travelling. Seeing the world having great time. Family life got boring and I wasn't 'fun'. He started going out more on his own. Staying out later blah blah blah.

He was treating me very badly. Staying out all night. He lost his job. Wasn't bring any money in. Taking mine and the kids money. Drinking to much and had completely emotionally checked out.

I hoped it was losing his job. He would get back on his feet and sort us out. I kept my head down, kept quiet. Waiting for things to improve.

At no point did he. Or your ex come and say I'm unhappy. What can we do. We didn't get that opportunity. And that sucks. We also didn't give up on them. And I didn't go looking for someone else to fill the void. I valued what we had more than he did.

I wanted things to work out. I deserved that and so did the kids. I'm angry at him for making that choice in my behalf.

How wasn't what we had. Enough. 🤷‍♀️. It still makes me sad. But he isn't the man I fell in love with. He would of never done this to me or the children. The person he is now is the kind of person I wouldn't give the time of day too.

We both deserve better. And in time you will see that too. But for Now you have to feel the hurt and get through it. None of this is on you.

Bunnies, you are not pathetic. We are in the same boat. We all have good and bad days. I have had a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Unicorns is right - these are not the men we married. We wouldn’t have married them if they were as they are now. We have better taste. I strongly recommend finding areas where you can take control and create your own certainty rather than living in limbo. A small thing to make you feel stronger e.g. throw away something of his or a gift from his side of the family that you always hated. I have found that to be cathartic.

Unicorns, I can well relate to that feeling of keeping your head down and waiting for things to improve. And I bet you were being kind and supportive too.

And yes, that absolute feeling of having no say in the thought processes. Because of course that would be hard, wouldn't it? Far easier just to bugger off.

And you are right, as is Superb. Good days and bad days.

But I am so in denial at the moment. The definition of pathetic - otherwise why would I just have trawled through several years worth of emails? The lovely man is there - so close I could touch him.

And I've just had messenger conversation with relative who doesn't know, just general chat, but it was all so normal I just wanted to ring him and say, ha ha, joke's over.

It's that limbo. Of the old life and what's a head. It is scary. And unknown. I still have A close relationship with ex's parents. He has virtually no contact with them since he left me so I have supported the relationship with the children and for me. It is a little bit of the old life. I know this needs to change too. Ow and ex have been together a few years now so I am expecting baby news any time. And I know I have to let go of that relationship too.

I should of knocked it on the head at the start. But it is a small bit of normality I had hung on too.

Denial is ok. (I'm guilty of it. See above). But in your own time you will let go piece by piece and rebuild yourself and your life in a different way.

My mums dream was to always live in a certain place. And when she retired she moved there. My dad (they split up years ago) was surprised she moved there. It was their plan. Their dream. I said her dream didn't change. Just the man she did it with. It stumped him for a bit. And I know from my dad he still regrets it not working out with my mum and for us. And we are 40 years in from when he left my mum. Being petty that gave me some comfort knowing my ex may also regret this for many years to come.

Baby steps is all you need right now x

You are not pathetic. You wouldn't be calling yourself pathetic if he'd been killed in an accident, would you? You'd call yourself a grieving widow, or in mourning. OK, in that circumstance you can reassure yourself that he left you unwillingly, but it doesn't matter, the end result (and the feelings) would be the same.

You have to allow yourself to grieve, and not beat yourself up for feeling this way. You've been left, shittily, by a person you would least expect to have done so. In some ways it's worse than a death because they are still out there and unreachable. But the man you loved has 'died' and been born again as someone else.

How are you today @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies ? You can get through this...one day at a time. Someone kind posted a good Winstone Churchill quote on my thread when I was in the first agonising weeks that you are in "if you're going through hell, keep going"

Hello Bunnies. How are things?

Thank you unicorn, Zaphod, Shin & Superb.

Really struggling today. Had big work event yesterday which was a great success, and so many times kept going to text H random things from the evening. It's like I keep forgetting things aren't as normal.

Then shopping today and everything's Christmassy.

Had texted something about dd as well, and had expected response because we're s'posed to be doing this whole parental ;'team' thing, but nothing.

It all just feels so wrong. Just a few months ago all was good, and I can't get my head around anything he's said because it's all so contradictory.

I so, so want to speak to him. I want to chat and laugh. I won't call though, I just, well, despite everything I just miss him so much. We barely did anything apart until this job move, and that was hard enough before it all went bad, but at least we spoke every day. This emptiness is a killer.

Well done with your work event. That is a real credit to you that it went well despite the difficulties you have going on.

You are doing so well. I would assume you are parenting alone. Considering the distance what use is he to you? I know that is a difficult habit to break. I have done various hospital camhs and school stuff all on my own. I use to let ex know. But he didn't step up. So unless the children are in a and e. I just get On With it.

What are your plans for Christmas? How does that look for you. Is there anyway you could shake it up a bit. So it doesn't feel like you are missing him? Hope the med will start to settle things for you soon.

I understand @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies and my heart breaks for you because I know exactly how you feel. It will get more bearable with time. Well done with your big work event. Is there a friend you can share your success with? I have found that talking to friends and family when I would have usually talked to (D)H really helped to fill the void. Talk to your loved ones in real life Bunnies, they want to help x