Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

How are you @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies ? Hope you are hanging in there, I've been thinking of you and wishing you well.

How are you @unicornsarereal72 ? God, your ex is a shit isn't he!! He should hang his head in shame. Your kids are lucky they have such a good mum taking care of them. It's not fair on you at all

Bunnies, hope all is ok?

Are you ok @SuperbMonkey ? I noticed from your posts to Bunnies that you said you are at a similar stage to her (so very early on). I am 3 months in and had been doing pretty well til this week and it's all hot me like a ton of bricks. The tears just won't stop. I thought I was over the shock but apparently my heart has decided it definitely isn't. I hope you are ok I'm keen to hear that Bunnies is ok too.

Hi @Shinsplints thank you for asking. I am almost 3 months in. I found out about the affair with the ex-girlfriend only 2 weeks ago so that has knocked me for 6. I am sad all the time, and lonely a lot of the time. The time of year is not helping. I feel no anticipation about Christmas but just sorrow. I am managing to cry less. However I feel sick and I shake fairly often. No appetite and I have lost over a stone in weight. It is grim. I am hoping for a better day though. to you too. It does help to have a community here, to share feelings.

It's just awful isn't it @SuperbMonkey I think you're right, this time of year is definitely not helping. The sadness is so overwhelming for me that I have set a deadline to talk to my GP about it (& consider anti-depressants if the GO Duggar's them). I'm trying all the natural methods to combat it but nothing can take away the pain and the shock. I have to face the pain of seeing (D)H tomorrow because of our DS (& business together). Even as I write this I still can not believe that this is real. Do you have to see yours or can you go low/no contact?

Sending hugs and hope that things will eventually get better for all of us.

It is horrible. I have very unwillingly started on citalopram to get me over the worst of it. They haven’t kicked in yet, and may be contributing to the sadness. I have a draft divorce petition and letter here to check but I am finding it too painful right now. My H communicates by cold, emotionless texts and it’s all about him. I don’t have to see him because we don’t have children. I don’t want to see him in one day because the man I loved is dead to me, he has gone. I don’t recognise this new man at all. That’s where the sadness comes from, I think.

way not day sorry.

Evening all. Sorry to hear of everyones struggles. It is only to be expected. I still have periods of over whelming sadness. Especially gearing up to Christmas. Birthdays etc. I fucking hate having to split these occasions. But of course wouldn't not do so.

My ex does not deserve to share in the joy of the children. He does stuff all parenting and not paid me a penny in child support. So I resent it a lot. But will smile and send the children on their way.

Hang in there with the anti d's. You may not feel they are doing anything magical. But they will help to stabilise your ups and downs. They won't magically make you happy and joyful. Just enable you to cope.

Yes my ex is a piece of work. I am moving more towards to the thank god he isn't my problem anymore. Had an emotional weekend as I had some communication with him over money. And yet again he promised he would sort it and he was sorry fo letting me/the children down. But here we are on Tuesday and he has yet to make the call to cms to sort it. He is just a liar and manipulative arse. So I'm back to ignoring him. For my own mental well being.

Roll on 2020.

Hello all, sorry to hear we're all having a bit of a shit time of it.

Superb & Shin I am so sorry you're both struggling too. I definitely agree the time of year is not helpful. No joy in Christmas at all, and I always loved it.

Was thinking today about Christmas decorations. Some are mine from when I was a child, some his, but most we've gathered over the years together. He is not coming here for Christmas, so what do I do about them? Offer to send him some? Every time I think of it, it makes me cry, because these are our family things, our memories.

What is it with the cold communications? I have had the same. The kind of messages you'd send to a business acquaintance you really despised. It's such a ginormous headfuck because you are still trying to square this unkind robot with the lovely person you knew. I guess guilt must play a big part, but also, they must know on some level that a) they're being epic arses, and b) they are making a monumental error with no real justification.

There are real, grown up people whose feelings change, and they can discuss rationally with their wives/partners. I do actually know a couple of instances where this has happened. But these men, they get scared, get their heads turned or whatever, and seem to go into self-sabotage mode, leaving a wave of destruction in their wake. Weak, cowardly behaviour.

So they can't possibly let any emotion show, they have to live in this box they have created for themselves.

And that's why we will ultimately be stronger, because we are facing all this shit, and although we falter, we will get through it because we are dealing honestly with ourselves.

That's certainly what I hope anyway.

I did have a nice weekend with lovely friends. I have also swapped anti-depressants because the original one I had a weird reaction to, so have just started new one today.

Have been up and down but yesterday evening and this morning felt in a bit of a better place, was thinking of 'bad' bits about H, and feeling more objective. Then this afternoon and to now I just feel desperate again. Been planning via email dd 18th birthday present with H and I just find myself not believing it's real again.

And I just don't want to move on because I just don't want it to be real. I miss him so much. Had a conversation with him the other night about practical things but I ended up breaking down on the phone and telling him what a mess I was in, as he was just being so calm. He finally managed to say 'I'm sorry', which is the first time.

He just doesn't seem to 'get' what he's done. I must not have phone conversations with him any more I think.

I am sorry this is a bit garbled. It's been 4 weeks, and I am incredibly lucky to have 2 great kids, supportive work colleagues and some amazing friends, but I just feel so bloody empty.

It is so valuable having this space too, and sharing this with fellow travellers, although obviously I wish none of you were here, if you see what I mean. There is strength in sharing I think, and being there for each other. Thank you Shin, and Superb and unicorns.

Bunnies,, glad to hear from you. I was a bit concerned. I can only empathise with everything you say. When people say it’s a rollercoaster they are spot on. I can be relatively happy for a while, and then, crash, I’m in despair again. However I have been to my nightclass for the first time in 3 weeks. I forced myself and I feel better for it. So ending on a positive tonight.

Thank you Superb. Sorry I was AWOL, feeling unwell, tiring, but good weekend then big crash & burn - rollercoaster indeed.

Glad you got to you nightclass.

I am gearing up to sort out advent calendars for the weekend. We've had these fabric ones since the dc were tiny, and still do them even though they are largely grown up!

Never too old for an advent calendar my mum Still gives me and my sister ours and we are 47/49. 😀

Be kind to yourselves ladies. It's a marathon. Not a sprint.

No apologies needed for going AWOL! I am finding the process to be exhausting. I’m still not eating properly and can’t face shopping for food. My routine is all over the place, and I feel like a zombie a lot of the time. Yesterday was better, today I feel rubbish, shaky, cold, weak. I am a strong, independent woman, but some days I feel hopeless.

You will all get through this. You will. I am fortunate to be several years on the other side, and even so I still get moments when I remember how great it all was and how terrible I felt when it all went wrong.

But now I find myself going over to the thread about 'what's good about being single' and able to post a lot of stuff with a big grin on my face. Good friends and supportive family helps a lot.

And there is life beyond the awfulness, there really is.

Thanks all.

I think one of the things I find most difficult, and I don't know if I am going to explain this very well, is the gap between 'strong, independent warrior woman' and 'snivelling wreck'.

The 'gap' is where all the scary things are. Where you have to accept your new reality, where you have to stop hoping for the phone call, the miraculous appearance where they say it's all been a big mistake.

And I am my own biggest obstacle in stepping into that gap.I don't want to accept it. I don't want it to be real. I can see over the gap to the next stage, but I feel I am stopping myself from making the move.

I don't know if that makes any sense? I know what I need to do, but blimey.

You just have to go Day by day. Each day is a little less painful and a little less sad. And you wake up some mornings And you are able to say I'm ok.

The other morning I woke up and loved having the bed to myself. It is my favourite thing to have the bed all to myself. I love showering without being man handled. And being able to cook. Washed up and get about my day without being randomly touched up.

It is a different reality. But I'm ok. I do need someone in my life though a companion of sorts. Be it a relationship. Or a good friend. To adult with. I'm so lucky I have friends who I can dip in and out with and my family are very supportive. But I know I'm missing that 'something'. But I'm not sure I want a relationship of sorts.

Sorry I digress. Make plans with people who make you happy. Do things you enjoy. Try to eat well. Fresh air and exercise. And just keep moving forward. I remember for a long time I did not want to move forward. Because that took me further away from my old life. But it isnt optional. But you can get there In Your own time.

Also remember that life is not a straight line. It's more like a map of the Alps. So you aren't letting yourself or anyone else down every time you take a step back, it's just another one of those uphill slopes.

Then one day you find yourself striding along on flat ground.

Bunnies, what you say makes complete sense. That gap is huge and scary. There is no choice but to step into the gap. And it is step by step. There’s nothing wrong with being a snivelling wreck because what has happened is traumatic. Recovery takes time and will not be rushed. And when happy seconds arise they should be cherished. My doctor suggested noting the small positive steps and reflecting on them. That might be cooking a lovely meal, or smiling at something. Giant leaps are unnecessary right now. Do what you can and that’s enough.

And to prove the point, I am a snivelling wreck today! Woke up feeling miserable and struggled to get up. Moving now, and trying to have a comforting breakfast. Weekends are very hard, not least because I can’t help but imagine what he is doing elsewhere. The coldness has been so difficult to bear, and totally undeserved. I am worried about money and just don’t know whether to start the divorce proceedings. I am so scared.

unicorns - it is a day by day process indeed. Actually, more like an hour by hour process at the moment! I had quite a productive cleaning and tidying weekend. Didn't get as much done as I'd wanted, but did enough to feel quite satisfied. Alternating with slumping in a pit of sadness!

Definitely Alpine, Zaphod - and I just let myself do it, rather than feeling stupid for being so lame.

Oh Superb, I am sorry you're feeling miserable and scared. I completely relate. Finances are not brilliant for me either, and I will have a house move next summer that I hadn't anticipated, as the plan was for me to move up to him. And I have no idea how I'll pay for it.

I still very much want my old life back, so I am not even thinking of moving forward at the moment - just moving.

I hope you have had a decent weekend. I think we just need to cry when we need to, and do enough to keep ticking along. Hopefully we will reach a point of peace without even realising it.

Much love xx

Bunnies. Good to hear from you. Cleaning and tidying are therapeutic. At least it feels like something has been achieved and it’s the small things that matter. I’m feeling less miserable and scared after a challenging weekend. I want my old Christmas life back and that isn’t going to happen. I want my old, joyful, bouncy self back too, and I’m struggling to find that. However I saw friends over the weekend and that was fun. I laughed a lot and felt better for it. Kind, warm thoughts to everyone going through this. x

Rubbish time of year to be going through this. As you say go moment by moment. And it's ok to just be.

Cleaning is good. I always feel better if I have had a good sort clean and tidy.

I've still not heard back from ex when he wants the children over Christmas. So still in limbo. He hasn't seen his parents in nearly 2 years. So I have facilitated the children visiting them. But I don't want to make plans before he has had the opportunity to make his own arrangements. So we are up in the air. Need to give him a dead line really. But I don't want to be confrontational.

What happened to these men they changed so much. I don't recognise him at all.

The change in personality is so shocking. And the fact that we worry about ‘being confrontational’. We are still checking to make sure that we manage their needs at the expense of our own. I have had a domestic issue which required me to contact H. I was nervous about doing so, and then whilst his reply was quite pleasant, destabilised once I received it. I’m afraid of being even more hurt than I am already. I feel as if I can’t take any more news, or rejection, or pain, or put downs. This is why I am keeping contact to the bare minimum. However that makes me feel sad too, the fact that it should be necessary.

I can so relate to not being confrontational. And I am finding it increasingly hard to have any communication with H at all. I alternate between feeling shaky, wanting to cry and wanting to scream at him. There are a few conversations I will need to have at some point, and he is being so odd, and was so unpleasant last time one of them came up, I am very nervous.

Destabilised is the word.

There are so many little angles I would never have considered about a situation like this. I could imagine heartbreak, anger and sadness, but the whole 'world tilt', ranging from the massive uncertainty over the future and what it may bring, to tiny little things that suddenly sideswipe you.

At the moment I keep thinking about the bunch of people he had who liked him, and the bunch of people he had who loved him (aside from me) who he has so easily cast aside. A whole life, just...gone.

I find that hard to get my head around.

Sending much love to you both, unicorns and Superb. I am taking comfort from your presence here, but I so wish you weren't here, also. xx

Bunnies I wish I wasn’t here too. I have dealt with the issue I had to deal with. Got quite a pleasant response with an apology for the fact that I had had to deal with the issue. No love there though. Could have been texting someone he barely knew. We were sharing everything only a few months ago. I accept the situation but it hurts.