Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Well done on job . Excellent news.
I cant thank you all enough with your excellent posts they make a big difference to know I'm not on my own with this hideous situation. And that we all coping the same way. Ups n downs but rising. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and watch H in his new life.

@Bigpooh13, thank you so much. Xx

Fab news @SuperbMonkey, well done you brilliant woman.

And @Bigpooh13 aaggghh imagine the reality of being a fly on the wall. Eeeek!

Talk later, hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

@thegrassisgreenernow, thank you, thank you!

The fly on the wall idea is very yucky. I’d definitely like to be a fly on the wall when he and the lady realise that @Bigpooh13 is a strong woman pushing through the pain to a new and exciting life

@SuperbMonkey that is fantastic news - I am so pleased for you, what an epic step!

@Bigpooh13 - definitely epic too - thinking about your new future, and taking care of someone eminently more deserving than H - yourself

Fly on the wall could be entertaining, but it's bad enough H trying to convince me of his latest narrative - watching him 'perform' his new self to others, no thank you! I wouldn't mind a little peep into his mind though,to see what actually is going on in there, although I suspect it's a bit slimy with self-pity.

Bit down again today, few memories of good times popping up. But I have some things to look forward to - drinks with friends tomorrow night, lunch with another friend Saturday, and possibly an evening with another friend I bailed on last week. Plus all the chores I spectacularly managed to avoid last weekend!

Must confess I like the mental picture of us choosing from a range of ethically sourced Warrior suits!

@ASmallBoxof ChocolateBunnies, thank you for your kind words. It feels good to be wanted by an employer! I have programmed myself to expect bad news because that’s pretty much all I’ve received for the last 12 months one way or another. It makes the high of good news even better.

My H’s mind is definitely slimy with self-pity. I had my post-counselling slump this afternoon as always. It’s the bringing up of the memories. Sometimes counselling makes me look at events in a way that I don’t want to look at them. A different reality of some behaviours that I ignored or excused makes me angry with myself. However I’ve got one life and I’m not going to dwell any more than I must to heal.

You have a fun (alcohol) packed weekend ahead. It sounds great. Mine looks much the same and I’m really looking forward to it.

I fancy that ethically sourced Warrior Women suits are the next big fashion must have. Expect to see them on the catwalk soon. xx

Brilliant news @SuperbMonkey, I didn’t doubt for one moment that you’d get the job!

@Bunnies So sorry you’re having a bad day, isn’t it draining when the sadness hits you? Hugs for you!!!

@simply4help You sound so very sad, I really wish there was something in RL we could do to help! Do you see people on a day to day basis? Are you able to attend a self-help group, counselling or anything else where people might be able to offer support or a listening ear? Do keep chatting to us here, and never worry about bringing the mood down - we all get it! Have you ever sought legal advice regarding your financial situation? Between all the ladies here, there is a lot of information and experience, so if you’re happy to share, I am sure that suggestions can be made to get you moving towards a better, happier place! Hugs for you too!

And all you other ladies, keep on being strong, you are all amazing!

(Still too many Santas... )

Just checking in. It’s over over today. He looked me in the eye and told me he doesn’t love me in the same way. Of course, he doesn’t know why that’s the case. So here’s to my new reality as a single mum! I really must try to get the baby to accept a bottle so I can grab a break sometimes. Here starts the fun of house selling, solicitors and finances. Good times.

@SoTiredTonight, thank you. I’m touched by your confidence! I wish I could bottle it for the trickier times. I believe that 🍰, 🍾, and 💐 are to feature this weekend! I hope that @simply4help is getting some comfort from reading here. We are thinking about her as her situation does sound very challenging. We agree about the Santas. When will they go? Haven’t they got next year’s presents to sort out? Who’s looking after the elves? It’s chocolate time already in the shops.

@Wineisafruit, I am so sorry that you are where you are. He is a fool and a coward. Men who do this to new mothers are the lowest of the low. Please make sure that you look after yourself. Get as much help as you can and don’t you take sole responsibility for selling the house. Make sure he does his share as he has caused this situation by being a selfish, disordered manchild. Try to get some sleep xx.

@Wineisafruit please don't feel pressurised into doing anything at a pace you don't feel comfortable with. You have SO much on your plate. Are you in a position just to look after yourself and your babies and to put anything else on hold for now? I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I'm sure you are reaching out to friends and family to help, and just please keep doing that.They will be invaluable to get you through this.

My children are both 20ish, so I don't have to cope with them (too much...) on a practical level, but it's all still an absolutely enormous emotional hit for them which, though horrible to realise, I can of course see will be something that will be with them forever. That their dad ran off with ... This week, that's a fact that has really hit me and is making me angry about DH's behaviour, possibly for the first time (superseding just trauma and sadness). How bloody dare he screw them up forever?

@Wineisafruit I’m so very sorry. What a complete bastard to do this to you when you’ve not long had his child. What goes on in these men’s heads? Please look after yourself and your babies. I hope you have support in RL and please come here anytime you need a handhold. I really wish we could do more for each other but I hope that everyone gets at least a little comfort and extra strength from being here. I have a long day tomorrow so will keep this short but as always am thinking of you all, even if not named individually! Goodnight to each and every wonderful one of you, please remember you are all special and a man not realising this does not change your worth! You are loved! xx

It’s that isn’t. How dare he do this to our children. It’s hit home so much tonight that my 4 month old will never ever have a daddy. She’ll have a dad. I will facilitate that. But not a daddy to hold her when her teeth hurt or cheer her on for her first steps, watch her eat her first meal. That’s her and her sister’s narrative. Daddy walked out. It won’t be their whole story of course, but how can that not have an impact? .
I want things to move quickly so I can create stability for them. My family are being incredible but we can’t live in a spare room forever. They need their toys and clothes and beds! And I can’t go back to the house again. We only moved in 5 months ago and it was meant to be the home I watched them grow in.
Sorry it’s all a bit self pitying tonight. It’s just not the future I thought we had.

@Wine Of course, I’m sorry I forgot you are at your sister’s? So you saw him today to talk? You are right, it is almost more sickening that a father can abandon his newborn than his wife - and I am by no means minimising the impact this is having on you. But yes... that’s his flesh and blood. I do not have children but I know that if I did, I would fight for them with my life.
You’re not at all self pitying my dear, you are voicing what every person in their right mind would be thinking. And I’m sorry I have nothing more comforting to say than we understand!
By the way, why is HE not the one to leave the family home? He’s the one who’s breaking up the family...? Hugs for you.

@Wineisafruit, I am so sorry to read about how you are feeling. As reassurance, all your emotions are normal and reasonable. I felt them, and often still feel them, and I am older than you. There are some questions that you need to ask yourself before doing anything else. Would you like to return to the house with the children? If so, please get some legal advice because that may well be possible while the finances are resolved. The children need to be housed first and foremost, as do you as a nursing mother.

You may prefer to stay with your sister where you have company and support. In that case take some time to breathe and rest and eat before making decisions. However you will still need legal advice. You can talk to Citizens Advice and look at the rights for women website. They can arrange some free legal advice for you.

For today though, just take some time out. Don’t push yourself with distractions. There is time enough to sort everything. I echo everything that grass and sotired say above. Sending you lots of love and warm thoughts. You are not dealing with this alone. xx

How are you all?

I've had a hard week, with unexpected health issues with both my elderly parents (usually very well but stuff happens when you're 80) to sort. Which I would have taken in my stride if I was in my normal state of mind, but have been harder whilst not in that. But to the outside world and to them, I think I've been pretty strong, caring, helpful, empathetic, loving. All the stuff I was told by DH I was rubbish at. I know now he's wrong, and it was just a narrative that suited him. Increasingly accepting that which makes me feel better.

F...I fell I can bloody well do ANYTHING if I've managed to get through this week. As can you all. Warriors together.

Wishing you all strength. We HAVE IT even if sometimes we really don't believe that.

@Wineisafruit you're feeling exactly the same as I was when my ex left (my youngest was 11months when ex walked out) - how have you made this our children's story?! Nevermind about me, what about them?? I think they just think "kids are resilient" and "can't stay together just for the kids" (you can bloody well try though, you selfish, monstrous pit of need), which lets them off the hook. So so selfish. Eurgh.

Yesterday and today sucked for me. I had thought we were close to agreeing on access, but he's now come back with some crazy schedule, wanting the kids 6 nights a fortnight. WTF?? I've tried so hard to make sure he's still seen them regularly since he left (even letting him the house when it was killing me to be around him), trying so hard not to be the bitchy ex wife who won't let him see the kids, trying to balance what's right for them with what he wants... But maybe I'm just letting him walk all over me again. In mediation, I felt like the mediator was pushing me to compromise, but it's not right for the kids, it's too much upheaval, they're too little to be half here and half there and also to be away from me so much. I want them to see him regularly, but not on his terms just because that's how he wants it to be. It's just all about him. So it's off to see a solicitor next week to see what next steps are. I just can't believe it. He ruins my life for the best part of two years, runs off with another woman leaving me with 3 kids including an infant, then wants to have the kids nearly half the time when they're all so young (and I've done literally everything for them, always but especially for the last 18months when he was otherwise occupied). I think it is time to locate my rage. Except I feel so tired and flat - I'm still processing what's happened, what he did and why, and now have to worry about this. Gaaaahhhhhhhhh. One day it'll be ok, right??

Of course it will @caketimeisover.And of course you will be too.

Believe it. 'tis true.

Hi everyone. I hope that everyone is feeling as well as can be expected. I can see from the posts from @thegrassisgreenernow and @caketimeisover that the rollercoaster has taken a dip downwards and is starting the long climb uphill again. Today has been a mix of huge pleasure with close and loving friends and pain from a petulant, foot-stamping STBXH. I am not responding to his communications at the speed he finds acceptable but at my own speed. In his mind I have no rights. He seems to have forgotten that we are no longer lovers, or friends, and he does not control my actions. I owe him nothing. He must wait because I will not be bullied.

Grass, the elderly parent problems are very difficult to manage on top of all of this. I speak from experience. I have two siblings and ended up telling my mother at Christmas that I did not have the emotional capacity to give her what she wanted. She would have to rely on my siblings during this difficult time in my life. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first. It sounds as if you have coped amazingly well. You are a Warrior Woman! He is very wrong about you.

Cake, what can I say. He is monstrous. It is all about him. It does sound to me from your post as if you have located your rage. You are tired but the rage will still be there tomorrow. Use it then. One day soon this will be over.

Sleep well all xx

I'm having to write this week off. I've got new pills for my damaged nerves and they have a move lifter in them. I've had quite a reaction to them but want to preserve. As if I'm not in so much pain I can progress with getting a job. Spent most of the days asleep. Not gud. You bunnies are so busy. I was really busy and pushing myself and now taking a step back. Time to stop worrying about things I cant control. Hope you have a gud weekend

I did text him the other day and the response was minimal and he hasnt been around for a visit so obviously he doesnt want anything from me at the moment

I think I am very lazy now as I hardly ever post . Probably. because SuperbMonkey is so very eloquent and sums up things in exactly the right way.

I always knew that men and women viewed child rearing differently, but just cant understand how men , time and time again , will easily abandon their kids.Their own DNA recreated in the wonderfulness of a baby or a child. Who will grow up with that loss forever. Do they not love their children ?

I have older kids , in their 20s and their disillusionment in their father is hard to watch. My DD is in denial and seems to think she has to protect him .My DS is so disappointed on his role model and finds it difficult to be around H.

And all of us women here are affected by the pure selfishness of a man. WTF is wrong with them? Is it male entitlement ? And so unfair that inevitably women end up financially at a loss , over and over.

So well done to those of you who are out there looking to make themselves viable in the workplace.

I posted originally under a different username when my difficulty started. And didn't quite believe when women told me that I would be OK.
But a year on, I am OK. Not great, not contented , but OK for now. And I intend to continue to get stronger and more resilient as time goes on.

So big up for Warrior Women !

Gud to hear from you again @stillfunny. Can you share anything that has helped you to get where you are now that might help others. You are right about @superbmonkey. Amazing posts and support as well as the others with eloquent talk.

Hi ladies, I feel bad for not posting much too, but really struggling with my mood at the moment. I’m either exhausted, or busy, or just in a foul mood like today. No idea why, I just can’t snap out of it. Nothing has even happened. I feel completely miserable and can’t find anything positive today which is quite unlike me. Hopefully tomorrow will be different because I can’t stand being like this.
Been checking on here numerous times though as for some reason the solidarity and kindness here usually cheers me up. But it’s been quite quiet today.
Hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday to some degree, or at least is able to relax a little.
I‘m off to catch up on a couple of threads I follow, maybe it’ll snap me out of it as at least thinks are quite amenable and friendly here right now.
Hugs to all. xx

So tired tonight.
I'm sure we all feel like that at times. I know I do.
I would say it's ok to feel.like as we have shite situations to deal with. I keep.posting as it's a release and a great support

Feeling miserable today too. Cold and cranky. I tend to just go with it and tell myself that tommorrow is another day.

I cope because , let's face it , we have to. Most of us have children that rely on us . I have other family responsibilities. I also find that I often think that everyone has a burden and my shitty DH is mine ! And I can only take care of me and my issues.

None of us willingly got involved with men that we thought would betray and let us down so badly. It is NOT our fault, no matter what any of these losers say. We already know that they are liars and this is the biggest one.

They may have destroyed our relationships but Damned if we should let them destroy the rest of our lives.!