Masses to catch up on, so apologies for word-frenzy!
Stillfunny – can relate to the feeling of satisfaction in confusing your H – they are simple creatures I think! I do hate the lack of control over your emotions though. I am now always slightly mistrustful of mine, as I never know when they are going to suddenly throw a curveball.
Thelma, sorry you have the hopium too. You summed it up exactly. Love the man, hate the actions, but the ‘softening’ on their side is so hard to resist – that glimpse of the person they once were. With mine, he was actually ‘my person’ again. And that person was lovely. No wonder I let my guard down. Even though at the same time I knew on some level it was a false hope.
Superb – I have the resentment that Firstlove might have that life with H that I was looking forward to. But actually she won’t, because she doesn’t have H v.1 – she has the weak, cowardly, rather pathetic v.2, so whatever life she has, and whatever life he has, it will be a shadow of what he would have had with me – and it will be the same with your H. I don’t think you can behave the way they have without it impacting.
You really do have such a lovely way with words! And your positive encouragement is such a help. I am so glad about your voluntary role, and interviews – and your busy week – I am in awe of your progress – you are moving forward despite having so much to deal with. I hope you hear soon from your interview.
Funnily enough, the ‘pay it forward’ idea in relation to Still’s support of her friend, is very relevant for me at the moment, as I have reconnected with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, and she is having her own troubles. We both got comfort from each other, I think as much from being able to provide support, as well as receive it. It is like here I think? That lovely warmth of having people say kind words to you and wanting to share your own with others. Mutual comfort.
I am sorry that your situation might be moving quickly and be difficult. You have your band of warriors here beside you to hold you up. You are such a huge inspiration and you are such a positive ‘force’ on this thread, please do know that we are right here in your corner. It’s a bit of a squash as there are quite a few of us, but you, and all of us are mighty in our love and strength.
I can only echo Jac, by the way – your ‘Warrior Words’ were, if you’ll pardon the sort of pun, Superb! Totally on the money, concise and empowering. Definitely something to re-read.
Bigpooh – that glimmer, I’m not even sure it is a game. I think they have a moment, or moments where the ‘real them’ pops out, but they have to hide it away again as soon as possible, because having to face the reality of what they’ve done, what they’ve become is just far too hard and horrible – and they are cowards. I think it is a case of being weak and pathetic, rather than evil.
I find myself on the verge of contacting H every so often, to share a thought or something that’s happened, and then catch myself. That’s just natural I guess. Normal, decent people can’t switch of years of feelings at the flick of a switch. Putting a positive spin on it, it’s proof that we aren’t fucked up cockwombles.
Excellent on looking for volunteer work – I think that’s a brilliant step to take.
Thegrassisgreener – yes, that rollercoaster of emotions all within one hour is quite something – I think it just goes to show how amazing we are to be able to roll with it – such strength. Bearing in mind the pity party H’s seem to throw themselves when things get a little tough, I suspect they would probably be gibbering wrecks if they were in our shoes. We are made of strong stuff!
And doing nothing can be fab! I spent most of last weekend curled up with trashy thrillers. Most satisfying!
And yes, I would want to be on friendly terms with H because of the dc, but particularly at the moment I am so disappointed and ashamed of his wankbadgery I don’t really want to have anything to do with him at all.
SoTired, I wonder if the unsettled feeling is part of the process? I don’t know if I can explain it properly, but there’s an element where although I still have ups and downs, the absolute gut-wrenching pain is lessened a bit. Instead there is more a feeling of wrongness, that makes it hard to focus. Kind of prickly dissatisfaction and mopeyness. Kind of a waiting game until either a wave of pain comes, or a moment of being happier?
Wineisafruit – please do post here – this is a thread full of support and kindness, although I am of course so sorry that you find yourself here. I am glad you have such good support in RL too. SoTired & Superb & Thelma & caketime are right though, do give yourself a little time to breathe before making decisions. I tried to rush around doing things right at the beginning and it was completely the wrong thing to do and I nearly wiped myself out with tiredness and tears. Lovely people here helped me slow down a notch. Accept the support and just ‘be’ for a little. We’re all a bit further down the track now, and we’ve all experienced that rush of emotion, horror & fear- and they are spot on with their words of wisdom.
Simply4help, I am so sorry to hear your situation, that is really crappy. Have you got people to lean on in RL?
Thank you for the kind words Bananas. I’m sorry you had to go through it without this support. I’ve said before that I never would have imagined ‘chatting’ like this would be so immensely valuable.
I’m in a weird place at the moment. Not sure if it is the effects of the anti-depressants, but I’m feeling very dissociated from the situation. I am functioning, even laughing and joking a bit at work, and getting things done. Not crying or feeling anguished. Having H say all the words I might have wished for, then the hopium, then the inevitable semi-backtracking, did set me back, but not as much as I would have expected. And his part of our subsequent messaging has verged on the ridiculous in terms of reinventing both himself and the past. I’m not quite numb, but probably so ‘What the Fuck’ I don’t quite know how I’m supposed to react, really.
I read this thread back right from the beginning. It’s amazing to see how we have all progressed in both our thinking and our moving forward, and just how bloody strong we are. There is nothing weak in being kind, in reaching out, in showing vulnerabilities. In fact it is those things that make us strong, make us able to keep moving forward. We don’t hide, we’re not ashamed of our feelings, not afraid to cry, scream or falter. And that’s why we’re better people than those who have caused our pain. They can’t bear to face themselves, so invent new personas, new and false narratives for themselves. We can all look ourselves in the face with pride. Everyone fucks up, but it’s how you deal with it that shows the measure of a person. And I know how we measure up.
Dragon-armour-clad Warrior Women, every one of us!