Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Can I add a post please. Sorry to intrude. I just need advice/support. I don’t even know. My husband has walked out on us this morning. He told me Saturday he didn’t love me and hasn’t for 18 months. He then begged for forgiveness Sunday and said it was all a mistake and then changed his mind again this morning. I have a four year old and a four month old baby with him. I had a baby with someone who didn’t know if he loved me but continued anyway. I feel humiliated and numb.

@Wineissfruit You are most certainly not intruding, everyone is welcome here. Although I am sorry that there’s yet another heartbroken lady joining this little gang.
I really don’t know what to say to give you any comfort or advice but can offer you a handhold. And I can chat for a while if it helps you?

Do you know if anything had brought this on? Your DDs are only tiny so I assume you are both relatively young? Has anything happened that you’re aware of? I am sure you are devastated and totally confused, especially if this was only ever mentioned last weekend? Do you have any support in RL? Have you spoken to anyone?

@Wineisafruit I couldn’t tag you for some reason and then spelled your name wrong...

I’m up feeding the baby. Sadly, sleep doesn’t come naturally to her.
This has come completely out of the blue. I thought we were happy. Life’s a bit tough with a new baby but nothing unusual. He claims no other woman but who knows? He claimed to love me up until this weekend.
Thankfully, I have a huge amount of support. I’ve packed the children up and am at my sister’s.
I want to be a year down the line. I want to know where we will live. How long will a divorce take. What access will we agree. Right now I don’t want him anywhere near the children. He’s taken their future for the foreseeable.
I will build a good life for them but it’s so so different from I thought it would be. Sorry, this is all a bit stream of consciousness.

You sound quite determined that this is it? Have you talked at all? It seems a very sudden decision given that you thought you were happy? Sorry, of course I don’t know anything about your circumstances, it just seems so, well, instant. The fact that he wavered is confusing too - leaving you, then begging, then leaving again immediately. Do you think he might have anything going on? Mental health issues maybe, or something in work? Or yes of course, OW could be a possibility unfortunately... It sounds very confusing, anyway. I think you need to talk because he may well regret this again in a few days and that would really screw with your head. What do YOU want?

@Wineisafruit, just dropping by to say I’m so sorry to read about your situation. @SoTiredTonight has given you some really good pointers towards what to think about. I’m glad that you are at your sister’s for support. Don’t make any quick decisions while you are in shock and caring for your DC. Sit tight for now.

Thank you for responding. I am taking it all on board. We have talked but it feels so final because how do you come back from this. It can’t be unsaid or undone. The trust is just gone.
I am a rash person and tend to act very quickly. I also know that he won’t change this even if he did change his mind. He’s too proud or something.
It does hurt it’s so instant but that’s how he has played it. Feelings gone. Let’s find a new normal.

Good luck with your interview today @SuperbMonkey

Dear @Wineisafruit I'm so sorry your H has treated you like this. I know you will be in utter shock and panic about the future but @SuperbMonkey is right, don't try to rush any decisions just yet. I totally understand because I felt the same as you in that I was rushing through the same thoughts as well - it's because he's pulled the rug out from under you and you want to feel secure again (for you and the children). There is no rush for now, just let your sister support you and take one day at a time. Make sure you are eating and sleeping as much as you can. It takes a long time to process everything and at first the shock stops you from even being able to fully feel it. Come here for support anytime you need it, there will be other threads on MN that can help too. You will be ok and so will the children. One day at a time

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thank you. I really appreciate that.

@Wineisafruit, Thelma has given you such good advice. Take it easy today.

@Wineisafruit my STBXH did very similar to me - said he wanted to leave, changed his mind, we tried marriage counseling, I killed myself pick-me dancing for 4 months then found out about the 15 month affair. He left when the kids were 6, 4 and 11 months. We're in the process of getting divorced (he admitted the adultery so I filed pretty damn quickly), almost settled on an agreement on access and finances, and 4 months after he left I can now say that I actually have days where when people say things will be ok I don't want to punch them in the face. That's progress, right? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm slowly making my way through.

The ladies are right. There's no need to rush anything right now. Work out logistics for the next few days (who's staying where, if/when/where he's going to see the kids etc) and anything beyond that can wait. Access will be on your terms because you have an infant (honestly what is wrong with these men??). Look after yourself and your beautiful kids, and let other people help you too.

And you're right. His behaviour SUCKS. Who throws this crap at their wife any time, let alone when they're looking after an infant? A selfish twat that's who. Maybe he's having a crisis, maybe there's someone else (eurgh, I hate I've become that person going "cherchez la femme" - but it's a cliché for a reason and it turns out men really are that predictable), but he is treating you and your kids with no respect, he's reneging on his promises and generally being a selfish arse. No one deserves that, you do not deserve that and whatever happens this will be hard to forgive. So don't let him string you along. Don't let him fob you off with vague answers, or "I don't know what I want" nonsense. Don't do the pick-me dance. He wants to leave that's on him, he can make that decision and he has to live with it. You're too busy raising his children to pay attention to his self indulgent crap.

Whatever happens you will be ok. This isn't what you wanted, this isn't what you signed up for, this isn't why you had kids with him - but you will be ok. And the kids will be ok because they're young enough that once you have a routine in place they won't know any different. And because they have you, their strong and lovely mum. Hold those babies close, they'll be what keeps you going.

Sending you a big hug.

@SuperbMonkey good luck with the interview!!

Hi all
I was pointed in this direction from another topic
My H went off after a provoked by him row after 47 yrs of marriage
been with him for almost 50YRS
Life utterly destroyed unfortunately I have ME & many other issues
Mostly now since he left severe depression & anxiety
my illness combined with other issues means I am unable to be left alone for very long he was my primary carer not much caring though
now I am finding it difficult to fund carers he has finally taken the money I used to pay them & everything else closing that account
I am in process of trying to get some income he left 7 mths ago
but im still in that day.

That's so shit! Your priority is getting your care sorted. Have you got anyone in RL who can help you with the admin for getting the money for carers?

Omg. Just unbelievable. So sorry for you newbies here. All I can say is dont rush anything yet.

I feel terrible hearing the new stories. And all I want do is moan about how I'm struggling.

Really found it hard not to ring him yesterday as hes always been my guy. Especially as really low at mo. I didnt but I did send him a photo today of someone doing one of his stupid hobbies. I just hoping that I could prompt him or see if that person is still there or completely gone. I think it's because I've not seen him for a couple of weeks. He read the message but no response so I have to accept hes not who he was. .
Hope the interview went well.

@caketimeisover, thank you so much! I’m on my way home feeling a bit flat. I did a lot of preparation but it was like one of those exams where you’ve worked hard on your revision but revised the wrong thing! I’ll know the outcome soon, so at least it isn’t a long wait. What you said to Wine above is perfect.

@simply4help, you are having a horrible time as I mentioned on your thread. Read here and see if anyone says anything that resonates with you. Listen to Bigpooh13 as some of her experience is similar to yours. She will have wise words to say to you.

@BonnesVacances

Hello and welcome.

Off to meet the Freedom Programme ladies for coffee now. A welcome break for my tired and anxious brain. Stay strong Warriors, we’ve got this. xx

@caketimeisover - thank you. I’m pretty low today and needed to hear (read?) that. What a big pile of shite this is. But, you’re right. It will be ok because it has to be. Sink or swim! I just need to keep swimming at the moment.
Thank you everyone. I don’t really post on here, just skulk around in the shadows of AIBU. I’m glad I did post this time.

Hello all. A late night drop in because I can’t sleep. Feeling sad. My situation is likely to start moving ahead quite quickly. I will be glad to have some certainty, but it looks as if the battle over money is going to be difficult. I am going to have to be a real Warrior Woman. On the positive side the love is going.

Oh @Superb, I am sorry. I’m not sleeping either although I’m so tired... Something has happened today then? Feel free to PM me anytime, I sometimes find it difficult to keep track of what’s what enough to reply coherently to all the different issues here. Just so much shit everyone if going through!

I always read along but my mental energy is shot to pieces at the moment anyway. Add to that any developments or issues here, or a day of counselling, and I’m fit for nothing! People don’t realise how draining the constant tension and mental strain is! It’s been such validation for my counsellor to acknowledge how tired I must have felt for so long with everything that’s been going on.

Goodnight everyone. xx

@SoTiredTonight, thank you so much. I will PM later.

Yes, a bit more of the cold behaviour, lying by omission, refusal to cooperate even over concluding matters, bullying, and intention to have things all his own way. My resistance to his will is yet more evidence of my madness and his entirely reasonable behaviour (justifying his affair which he does not admit). The battle ahead is going to be hard. Like you I find it difficult to get the energy together. I will get there but suffering a slump right now. xx

Hi & Thank you all for being there
I don't know what I'm doing most of the time so much pain
physically & mentally.
This person is lost to me which means I too am lost so tired all the time
He seems to care for nothing except himself and money I don't know about OW he is 67 but I think maybe so.
He has found a job ( he was retired here) working with much younger people and is nastier than ever as many of you say I do not know who this person is
All the years of covering up his actions toward me and out there he is talking about me saying how I treated him ME? apparently they are feeling sorry for him I can't believe this is happening
last night my head kept going over who is this person what he did to me where am I so lost
I am so scared of loosing my home it is my sanctuary as I can't leave
but can't stay here alone for long each day I fear for what is going to happen he is doing all he can to cause me to crumble & I am I know he wants me to lose my home

Simply4help I couldn’t read and run, I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐. Who else is in your life to help you - DC, siblings, friends? As incredibly hard as it is, I guess somehow you need to focus just on YOU and let the devil take him.

Despite being OK all day , last night I ended up crying most of the night. And nothing in particular happened. This lack of control over myself , my future is truly scary stuff.
He is not unkind but just avoids me as he does not know how to handle things.
simply4help I am so sorry about the house situation. I too , have no idea where I will end up living . Not having that security does affect everything else doesn't it ?
SuperbMonkey Do you have people on your side to help you negotiate? I assume that he will not be allowed to have it all his own way. But how shit to have to be involved with arguing over terms as well as everything else. I cant believe he is still denying affair - lies upon lies.
I am hoping to have a better day today. Spending it with my best friend.

so sorry to the new ones joining the thread. Keep checking the updates, they do help.

I'm a lurker but don't contribute much. I'm 6 months in and trying to push forward for divorce. He wanted to leave and live a new life but silent on all things divorce. I know my worth and its not affected by his actions. Me and the kids are great and will continue to be. His crisis, his loss (althought still heartbreaking for me).

@caketimeisover that post to wineisfruit was brilliant. I hope it doesn't take you long to remember your strength when you have the low moments.

Newer people - do try and look after yourself. Get a free mediation app and practise when you can. Even if its once a day, the more you do it the more it helps. Be kind to yourself, your feelings are ok to have. Thoughts are sometimes unkind, remind yourself that these are thoughts and not facts.

Warrior women indeed - thanks everyone.

Seems like we are all having a slump. I sympathise with you all. It's so hard having to sort out all the financial stuff . They are being the same . Stbxh wont admit adultery but hes living with her. Being very manipulative over money. I just dont like the uncertainty. They have moved on. But we just have no control over what's gonna happen to us. O wish I could hate him.