Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Thank you Superb. You actually made me cry a little - in a 'thank you for those words' way. Very kind and thoughtful.

Sleep well too x

So I had a lovely day out with some friends . Went shopping , then lunch. One in particular works in CAB and was so helpful about advice.
Came back and actually had a pleasant evening - even watched movie together. I think he has hopium , but little does he know that I am the leopard in the tree! Can I confess, I am getting some satisfaction of confusing him ? !
I love to hear about you ladies that are job hunting . Did you always work before ? And do you worry about your age ? Hope you all get the positions that you want. So proud of these tough women that get rid of DH s , sorts money out , and gets new job. Inspiring !

Morning all,

Dear @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies I totally agree with @SuperbMonkey I am so sorry your H got your hopes up. You absolutely have not let the side down and it's totally understandable that you gave it serious consideration before he let you down again.

I am also struggling with hopium and funnily enough my H also talked briefly about coming home too a few weeks ago. I don't want to out myself with too much detail but let's just say it was hardly a case of him begging me for forgiveness and throwing himself upon my mercy! Even a tiny slither of regret fuelled the hopium though and it seriously messed with my head. I am desperately trying to harden my heart against him but the truth is I still love him (just hate what he's done) but my head tells me he has hurt me too much to ever go back, it just wouldn't work. He has also been much kinder to me. It's hard to stay angry and distant with someone when they show you what you loved about them, isn't it. I keep having to remind myself about the sides of him that I don't like and am happy not to have to live with anymore! The hopium is stopping me forward with my divorce process, I can't quite let go yet. I also feel sad at the prospect of finally losing all hope so I also don't want to let go of the hopium even though it hurts me. God, it's hard isn't it.

What did you watch @SuperbMonkey? I like a bit of scandi noir myself! I hope you had a good day yesterday. You are so lovely and caring, thank you for all the support you offer everyone on this thread. I hope you feel the love coming back to you.

@Stillfunny I am currently in business with my H, as soon as I have a new job I will be extracting myself...hopefully I will get good news soon (I really want the job i went for this week, not just the money, security & independence so it will be a real blow if they reject me! I'm trying to prepare myself for that happening because I can't allow that to set me back)🤞

Hope everyone has a good day today, things will get better

Oh sorry for the bold fail in my last post!

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, I hope you have a good day and some quality time to put yourself first. .

@Stillfunny, I have always worked pretty much, but for various reasons stopped working a relatively short time ago. I do worry about my age, but there’s no choice but to plough on. I am very resentful that the ex girlfriend from school is going to benefit from my hard work over 20plus years. My financial future is very insecure and I worry about it a lot. I need a job for my sanity as well. Life has not turned out in any way as I expected and I feel sad about that. I feel sad about the complete disdain he has shown towards me. But I have to keep going forwards.

Hope everyone has a positive day. Thanks for sharing on here. xx

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies
It's a mindfuck. That's what happens to me. Big mistake etc then goes home to the heap. It is as you stood up to him . I'm sorry you feel this way. You haven't let anyone down. We just love the person they were. And our life with them.
They must have a glimmer of their time with us but selfishly they still want to hurt us so badly.
Feel for you. It's another punch and we must fight on.. harsh as it is.
I always thought he would be back. But it was a game.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, morning. I watched Wisting on BBC 4. I quite enjoyed it and slept well in spite of the murders! My H shows no inclination to come back and has no contact with me at all. He’s too ashamed and always hated it if people thought badly of him. Instead he uses mutual friends as deliverers of bad news (for me). This makes life difficult. I’ll say no more about that otherwise I’ll upset myself! I miss him though. I do feel the love coming back to me on here. That helps.

I so hope that you get the job you want. It must be difficult being in business together. Fingers crossed 🤞 and toes!

@Bigpooh13, I hope you have something interesting planned for today, to take your mind off things. How’s preparing the financial information coming along?

xx

I'm getting there with financial stuff but just dont want to do it as it's another step to the divorce. But I do need the money. I job would be gud. I've asked a few places about voulentering hoping it would progress to getting a job. @Stillfunny. Yes I'm with you with the business. I be been literally cleaning up shit for him for years and looked after her kids then she swoops in and takes the lot. But has no plans to work on the farm. Hes now looking for my replacement.

You are all an inspirational. As u fall get up n go again..
They just glide on .

@Bigpooh13, I understand what you’re saying about the finances. You know you’ve got to do it but it’s hard. I feel the same. Just trying to do one thing at a time. Just one task makes all the difference. Well done on the volunteer post hunting. That’s a very good place to start and might lead to something paid. It will make you feel better just to be doing something for yourself. What sort of work have you done in the past? Look at all the work that you have done, including on the farm, because you will have lots of transferable skills.

Sounds like you have a busy time ahead 😀

I'm do used to working I dont know what to do with myself at mo. I have plenty of DIY to do but motivation isnt there.
I' was a business manager when I met him and took a redundancy 7 years ago n since then I ve worked in shops and on the farm. @superbmonkey. How surprising hes using friends to pass on stupid news.
After being all lovey dovey on me n leading me on . On the last phone call after I sent him a solicitor letter about finance he called me a effing bitch. He has never done anything like that before I'm still reeling but Atleast its confirmed that hes a player.
I hope you all have a lovely day the sun is gorgeous but cold today.

@Bigoooh13, I know what you mean. It sounds as if there are plenty of jobs that you could do. Your confidence has taken a knock, that’s all. It will come back. I know you suffer from ill health. Perhaps there are some organisations that could give you some free advice on going back to work part time. There is a lovely employer out there waiting for you to solve their staff problems.

Mine isn’t telling the friends to pass on the information. He passes on information and hopes that they will pass it on to me. Never could face confrontation and always used to lie his way out of it. I have no doubt that he is working away behind the scenes getting his ducks in a row on the finances. So am I of course. xx

Hi everyone. How is everyone doing? I’ve had a mixed day. Feeling angry about the situation I’m in. Been at a friend’s this afternoon which was fun. It’s all so frustratingly annoying. Hope you have had a better day ... xx

@SuperbMonkey really glad you've had a fun afternoon with your friend. So very important. As we've all said, you sound very very lovely. That mixture of anger and sadness is so bloody hard. And probably so distant from the way you're used to feeling. I've certainly never had either those feelings as my primary emotions before. It's hard to handle.

I veer from screaming "f.. you" stuff out loud, to feeling quite meditative and calm, to listening full blast to various 'go girl' tracks, to feeling helpless and miserable, to feeling warrior-like. Who the heck can deal with all that - often in the space of an hour?

I realise this evening though that it's actually quite nice to spend lots of time doing pretty much nothing! I'm not sure I've ever done that before, am usually doing all the stuff that needs to be done. I feel like I'm channelling my inner teen. There's definitely something quite relaxing about not feeling the need to constantly do stuff!

thegrassisgreenernow Anger and sadness are my constant companions.But today was nothing but contempt. I just hated looking at him and really the poor guy was being inoffensive. Just wanted him to fuck off.
It is the constant up and down feelings that I find so hard. The lack of control over my feelings, my future is very frightening at times. Worst is nightime , alone in bed with my thoughts .
Which is why I come on here and find it helps .Thanks

@thegrassisgreenernow, thank you for your kind words. We are all very, very lovely and caring. It is heart warming to know that there are decent people around. I don’t want to become bitter and cynical which makes it important to recognise goodness when we see it. I have always been a joyful person even when times have been difficult. Anger and sadness are unusual feelings but I’m letting them pass over me without fighting them. Your approach sounds so healthy. I like the doing nothing plan too. Funny how unusual that is for busy women!

@Stillfunny, you are brilliant at expressing what you feel! I share your fear of the future, and that’s new to me. I embraced change, embraced the future. Nights and mornings are hardest, agreed. Once I’m up and about I feel better.

There’s a really sad thread running ‘Left Alone, Afraid’ on which I’ve posted. I’m counting my blessings reading it.

Speak later. xx

Hello, just thought I should say something. Head all over the place though, for some reason I’ve been feeling terribly unsettled. I can’t even remember in detail what the last thing I posted here was? I know it was more positive.
Yesterday was crap again. Everything just went wrong and he just seemed to be inconvenienced by me telling him what a shit day I’d had. So I got frustrated, yelled at him and that was that. Didn’t see him for the rest of the night as he just shut himself away in his bedroom.

@SuperbMonkey I did read that thread you posted. Just mustering up the energy to try and say something encouraging to the poor lady. What an utter arsehole he is!

Anyone have any nice (or at least constructive) plans for today/this week?

Love to you all and apologies I’m not addressing you all individually, very low energy again today. xx

@Stillfunny, you poor thing! Have a . That’s what I’m doing while reading a document. You were very cheerful yesterday morning, so you are entitled to have an off day on what is, officially, the gloomiest day of the year (allegedly). Let’s not think about negative things right now.

I am being positive today. I am listening to a play on my iPad and reading a document for a non-paid voluntary role. I’m excited about starting the training for this new role in the Spring. I am hopeful for my second interview tomorrow, for another role that I have applied for, and for the CVs that I sent out yesterday. I am applying for lots of things to be ‘in it to win it’. My interview is tomorrow morning. Then I am meeting up with the Freedom Project ladies for lunch as we don’t have a meeting but we get in well. In the evening I have got gym and yoga.

On Wednesday I have coffee with a friend. I do a hobby class in the evening. Counselling on Thursday and I take it easy after that. Meals out planned for the weekend. Lots of reading too.

I’m so proud of some diy that I managed on my own. It has been waiting to be done for years. Go me!

It is hard to stay positive, but I find that if I do one thing other things follow. It’s like a domino effect.

Stillfunny, what are you planning to do today?

Wow @SuperbMonkey, you have a busy week ahead; go you!!!
Thanks for the reminder about it being the gloomiest day today. It actually makes me fee better in a paradoxical way! And you are right, it is beautiful out there today! I just had a long chat with one of my closest friends who unfortunately lives abroad, she’s going through a difficult time herself although she sounded more upbeat today. Her husband seems to have taken onboard at least some of her complaints and is putting in the effort. She is quite aware that it might be short lived but at least life is quite pleasant for her for the time being.
Hope you are all enjoying (hopefully) some sunshine! xx

Just a thought, I wonder if MN will change the emojis at all? What with all those Santas in there?

Today I had another counselling session.It is going well so far. Interestingly , she agrees that she does not see me being able to let go and ever forgiving him.My best outcome is for him to be gone. But she also said she appreciates that I have previously told her that I know I would not be happy struggling financially.
My very wise elderly Aunt says " You might as well be miserable in comfort " ,!!
Just taking one day at a time. I have to do this and I CAN do it.

Hi everyone. I had a reasonably productive day. Now relaxing after making a delicious chicken traybake dinner. I reminded myself how much I enjoy cooking new things. I had an unexpected visit from a neighbour bearing gifts this afternoon, so an unscheduled tea break.

@SoTiredTonight, I was wondering about the Santa emojis too. Hopefully they will go soon. I’m glad that you had a good chat with your friend. It feels satisfying to pay the love forward. A focus on someone else’s problems distracts from our own. Mind you, it’s better dealing with difficulties in the sun than the cold!

@Stillfunny, I’m so pleased the counselling is helping. You sound much more upbeat. It’s not an easy situation that you find yourself in. I think I agree with your Aunt ... You definitely CAN do this. You are mighty.

Today’s chumplady post is a good one and the comments are worth a look. Some of the stories are horrific.

Enjoy what’s left of the evening. 🧁 xx

Wishing you such good luck for your interview tomorrow @SuperbMonkey. Go Girl.

Yes, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, let's embrace the positive.

I met an old friend today whose marriage broke up some years ago, and she said that eventually she had managed, though still separated and very much apart, to find a different sort of love for her Ex DH. As parents, and as a recognition of the wonderful years they'd had together before it all went tits up. It would be great to have that for the future.

But DH will have to stop the wankbadgery first. I feel that might apply to many of us?

Sleep well and thank you all for being here.

[santa]

embracing the post-post-Xmas emojis ...

@thegrassisgreenernow, ah thank you. That’s kind. I’m staying positive.

Good for your friend. If both people are adults I believe that it is possible to continue to respect and, yes, even love each other in a different way. I don’t think it will happen in my case. He is too weak and his affair partner much too insecure. I don’t see the wankbadgery stopping. The post Xmas emojis are hilarious. Now that really is embracing the positive. Sleep well all 💤 x

Good to hear that counselling went well for you @Stillfunny, and I’m totally with you with the one day at a time approach!

Your post sounds so upbeat @SuperbMonkey, glad you had a busy and what sounds like a pleasant day! Best of luck for your interview tomorrow, you can totally do this!

@Thegrassisgreenernow, that does sound lovely, doesn’t it? I have a friend whose parents are best friends despite having been divorced for decades. It is actually really special, I think of them a lot.

Goodnight to all of you too, hope it’s a restful one. xx

@SoTiredTonight, thank you . I need to sleep. The Archers should do the trick ... x