Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, great username! I completely get why you have decided to change it. I will look out for you on the other thread. I’ve posted on there once.

I’m where you are on the divorce side. Intending to move forward on finances though. I too need a job. Just sent off another application form. It is a lot to deal with at the same time, isn’t it? Good luck and I hope you get excellent news about your interview soon. You are clearly resilient to be able to go to interviews when you have so much going on. 🤞

Thanks @SuperbMonkey yes, it's unbelievably tough having to do applications and interviews at the same time as dealing with everything else, isn't it. I hope you get somewhere soon with your job search too. Didn't you have an interview the other day? Sorry if I'm misremembering, it's hard to keep track of everyone's stories isn't it.

Good luck with your job search and sorting the finances, we can do this! 💪

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, you haven’t misremembered at all! I have got a second interview for the role next week. It would be a great position so I am keeping everything crossed. Just doing another application now. I must confess that I sometimes wake up and struggle to drag myself to the shower. It’s a real one foot in front of the other situation. I’m sure my stress has come over in some of the interviews I did just after the flouncing walk out. My doctor couldn’t believe that I was able to apply for jobs, let alone go to interviews. I think that I am starting to feel better more often, but I still feel sad more than I would like. A job will be a godsend and I have hope! 💪 indeed

You are doing brilliantly @SuperbMonkey and to keep on doing applications even when you have a second interview coming up shows how determined you are! I gave myself the rest of the week off to recover. I have a while to wait for the outcome of this interview so I'll have to keep looking...but not til next week now.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thank you! I have learnt not to assume that I will be successful. The more applications I make the higher my chances of getting what I want. I am now having a break because I’m knackered. 😓

Thank u too all. Welcome back.
I was sorting paperwork for financial disclosure yesterday when the guys working on gas pipes outside cut through my wifi and home phone broadband. You dont know how n much you rely on it. It send me spiralling again. You know that you are really on your own. I kept finding ticket stubs n memories whilst looking for my pension details really didnt help.
We never lived on the farm its about 10 miles away he hated living there and his mum lives in the farm house as he took over the farm when hes dad died. Even found his funeral things. He moved into the farm when he left before buying another house with ,"the heap". The farm is all rented. So no money in that. I was hoping for some of the profit but the account ant has done a gud job of hiding that.
I'm so tired now. I was so busy trying to do everything and keep busy . Now I've slowed down the panic has set it.
Going to see my best friend tonight I'm making myself go. As he dont care about me. I'm not used to going out without him. Terrified.

@Bigpooh13, you are doing brilliantly. Go out to see your friend, relax, and have a lovely time. You can’t worry about this every minute of every day and night.

It’s typical that you get your wires cut when you need the internet and phone. I had a series of domestic emergencies after D-day. What’s happened to you is an accident by the workmen. For me, I came to realize that some of the issues were due to my STBXH being tight as regards expenditure on the house. Just like his father.

Don’t worry about the finances if you can help it. I’m not saying that it is going to be easy．　Ｉｔ　ｍｉｇｈｔ　ｎｏｔ　ｂｅ　ａｓ　ｄｉｆｆｉｃｕｌｔ　ａｓ　ｙｏｕ　ｅｘｐｅｃｔ　（ｎｏ　ｉｄｅａ　ｗｈｙ　ｔｈｅ　ｆｏｎｔ　ｈａｓ　ｇｏｎｅ　ｃｒａｚｙ）．

Yep. Me too with his expenditure on house. Everything seems to have broken since he left. You are all brilliant. Astounds me all the similar situations and events going on.

Lordy, it so feels we're all going through the same awful shit. So very hard to deal with a DH with a sudden personality change.

Wishing all good luck for those here looking for work.

And it sounds like counselling is helping us all - who knew?! And antidepressants - no stigma, at all - induced depression is as real as any other type and we should grasp any help we can I feel. I have.

Mediation sounds so hard. I'm too scared to start. Bravo to those of you who've taken the plunge. And with other divorce proceedings.

My DH messaged today to say he wanted to take the bits that are "his" from our home. After a quarter of a century together it's quite hard to know what he feels those things are. I've tried to put them in a corner and it's quite a small collection. Am very tempted to box up all his clothes, which are mostly still here. At least that would give me wardrobe robe to space out "my" stuff. Would that be undignified? I'm trying to stay dignified.

Good morning ladies, another day where I didn’t feel up to writing. If I thought things had hit rock bottom the last few days, today topped it. Never in my life have I been so angry and distraught and acted on it. I felt like smashing the house up and did have a good go at a few items. I also got quite physically aggressive with DH which I’ve never dared before. I think he was in shock when I stopped. It seems to have somewhat cleared the air though and he actually rang his GP about his very low moods, another unthinkable before today.
Some clear and positive conversation was had afterwards and overall, I feel more positive about the future tonight than I have in a long time. But I feel totally wiped emotionally and physically and yet I can’t seem to get to sleep.

@thegrassisgreenernow I would pack all his clothes for him if he’s actually left. They’re most certainly his things and shouldn’t be clogging up your space. Tell him to take them or you’ll donate them to a homeless charity.

@Bigpooh13 That’s crap, hate it when these things happen. So frustrating! Hope you’ve had a nice time with your friend, you deserve it!

@SuperbMonkey Well done for getting to the next interview stage! Let us know when you’re going for it so we can cheer you on!

Have a restful night all of you, tomorrow is a whole new day! xxx

Morning everyone.

I have decided not to go to the codependency group this morning. I am coughing and spluttering, and am enjoying a cup of tea in bed for the first time in ages. Feeling a bit anxious about what looks like an empty weekend ahead. Also feeling that I need some down time to relax. Keeping busy is distracting but I also need some time to think and process. I also want to save some money! The codependency ladies are lovely. They also seem more miserable than perhaps I feel and I don’t want to drag myself down.

@Bigpooh13, it is interesting that the stories on here are so similar. I hope you had a good time with your friend.

@thegrassisgreenernow, I agree with what you say about counselling and anti-ds. Help is available so we should take it. Not to do so is the same as punishing ourselves when we have done nothing wrong. It is not undignified to expect him to remove his things and his clothes from your home. Why should he leave them in front of you as a constant reminder of his absence? I would stick them in bin bags or in a heap in a corner. I would then move your clothes into the free space. I would do this before he collects his stuff so that he can see clearly that you have pushed him out of your life. You are being so strong because you are getting on with things in spite of the fact that you are scared. You are feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

@SoTiredTonight, it sounds as if you have had a massive storm of a week. You have let your anger out and something positive has come out of it. Dare I whisper that it sounds as if you might have turned a corner whatever the outcome? Thank you for the good interview wishes. It’s early next week, so another reason for having a quiet weekend at home, to get my head in the right place. I sent off another couple of applications yesterday which was positive.

As for the broken marriage, well that process will run its course. I feel very sad, not only about the break up, but also about the way he has chosen to go about it. I thought he was a better man than that. My main regret is how I allowed myself to be fooled. I won’t be making that mistake again.

Have a good day everyone. It’s great knowing that you are out there and that this is a place to vent. I suspect that real life friends and family reach the stage where they don’t know what to say anymore.

xx

Hello ladies,

Well mediation was ok. I think the mediator we have is very good - also a solicitor so can say if something would be accepted by the courts but ultimately just there to get the two of you to come to an agreement. We've actually got quite far in just 2 sessions, so I'm hopeful there'll only need to be one or maybe two more. Definitely a good way to start getting things sorted, especially if you struggle to communicate with (or look at) the bastard STBXH.

Finances seem ok actually - he's got some debts from setting up his new flat (vomit) but when that came up I said I'm not bloody well giving you any money for that! Managed to agree a number for me to buy him out of the house and leave everything else untouched so that's a relief. Dealing with maintenance/expenses next week.

Arrangements for the kids were a bit more tricky. I laid out what I thought arrangements should be over 2 months ago, he's not happy with it but also can't suggest anything else because of work commitments etc. He wants them for more nights at the weekend (when youngest is a bit older they can do 2 nights but I want them home Sunday night). I want him to stop coming in the house, but he was still pushing to see them at mine once a week - he was like it's what's best for the kids, it's only an hour, I'm uncomfortable being in the house but I can do it, you could go out while I'm there?! He still doesn't seem to accept just how horrendous he has behaved or what the impact on me has been. So I just said no no no you need to get out and stuck to what I thought was the best compromise. So overall I think I came away with what I expected. Still feels shit though. I'm getting to the point of not giving a toss about him, trying so hard to detach from what our relationship was (do still have my moments) and accept who he really is (weak and pathetic and selfish, lacking in empathy and overall... A dickhead!) but I'm just so sad I lose time with my kids. And annoyed that I'm still going to see him a lot, even if it's just to hand kids over.

He has them this weekend - have plans tonight but not much to do during the day. Hoping to find some jobs and not spend too much time moping. Who'd choose this? A dickhead, that's who.

With getting all their stuff out of the way - when STBXH moved out I started loading all his stuff into the wardrobe he used (handy so I could shut the door and not see it!) I moved all the furniture round in my bedroom too (I couldn't keep it the same - kept seeing him there, remembering him walking in or being in bed with me... Also I had a homebirth, gave birth to our baby next to the bed, which was wonderful and lovely - but now ruined as I know he was ready cheating then and in fact texted his girlfriend that evening to "see how she was doing". Gahhh I still can't cope with thinking about that at all, just makes me cry...) I changed all the pictures and photos on the wall (left a couple of him in the kids' rooms and one of all the family on the stairs but otherwise he is GONE). I think just doing something practical to reclaim the space was helpful. And when I came home and all the stuff I'd piled up had gone it was just another layer of acceptance. He's gone. Doing stuff like that seems so pointless and unhelpful when you think about it but once I got started it definitely helped me. I choose what goes where, this is my home. Off you f**k with your bloody massive brewing kit you've only used once and your stupid weights you never use but I stub my toe on every time I go in the garage! Bye bye dickhead!

Sorry, that was a long one! Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

especially if you struggle to communicate with (or look at) the -bastard- STBXH

thank you @caketimeisover, that's me, and gave me a giggle this morning. I'd probably extend it to "especially if you struggle to communicate with (or look at or think of) the -bastard- STBXH". I still fear doing anything that will anger him, which I know moving his clothes would, as he's constantly banging on about it being our joint home, his rights, blah blah. I don't want to come back from work one day and find he's taken a load of stuff I really need.

@SoTiredTonight sorry you've had such a crap week, really hope you got to sleep and that your catharsis makes you feel better today.

@SuperbMonkey thank you, yes you're right, I am feeling the fear but doing it anyway. I just wish he would disappear and I didn't have to communicate with him at all! At the moment I feel okay when there's no messages, but as soon as there is any contact at allot completely throws me. I did manage to get back to sleep in the early hours by forcing myself to dream about a romantic liaison with a recently single famous film star instead of agonising about what DH was going to sneak in and take from the house though. It was quite a successful strategy!

You're amazing @caketimeisover you are well on the way to a new and better life without that selfish dickhead. I know we have all suffered but reading what he put you through breaks my heart. Honestly, the way you are handling this despite your pain, is truly inspiring.

I have my DS this weekend and still trying to work out how to occupy ourselves today. I have one night off next weekend (DS only goes for one night st the moment, until he is introduced to OW/GF...next month 😕) so I'm thinking about inviting a friend to stay over to make the most of it.

My H is also seeing DS once a week in my home which does seem best for DS (and for H) but it's not doing me any favours. I don't know how to change this for now though....

I hope you enjoy a bit of a break and time to yourself

can't seem to manage strikethrough!

@caketimeisover, it sounds as if mediation went really well, and you coped with it very professionally. He must have been looking at you thinking that he had picked the wrong person to fight with! In a way sobbing throughout the first session worked to your advantage, because he may have come away from that session thinking you were a soft touch. Instead you are a Warrior Woman. Still having to see him often is a pain but it reads as if you have strategies in place to cope with that. I agree with what you say about ‘his stuff’ completely. There’s all sorts of crap left here, like he’s marking his territory 😱. I have enjoyed throwing horrendous presents from his family into the bin. They were to both of us, he left them behind, so there’s no need for me to keep them. They offend my good taste (and in the main are crimes against anyone with any appreciation of beauty). I don’t think I received a decent present from them in 20 plus years.

@thegrassisgreenernow, he is playing with your head. A pointless exercise, I know, but he’s a pointless person. I read a brilliant Frida Kahlo quote (to her estranged husband Diego Rivera) on Twitter written when she was waiting to have her leg amputated:

‘If there is anything I’d enjoy before I die, it’d be not having to see your fucking horrible bastard face wandering round my garden’. I love that.

Having said this, sometimes you have to play the long game and keep them sweet before you strike, like a leopard hiding up a tree and dropping down on its prey silently from above.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, morning. You are doing well too. You are making decisions that are right for your child. You are an inspiring role model for him.

Right, off to make my garden a place that I don’t want to see his horrible bastard face in ever again. I’ve let too many things slide. Cake Time has inspired me. Spear out, Warrior Woman suit on (wellies) and off we go.

xx

Ooh nothing like a bit of gardening to life the soul @SuperbMonkey well done for pulling on those wellies and getting out there! It's even better coming in later and getting cosy I'm taking DS to a National Trust property for a nice walk then back to get cosy again.

Enjoy your days everyone

Good afternoon all, bit late for me getting going today. Had a bit of me time and need to get on with some chores but wanted to drop by first.

@SuperbMonkey Thank you as always for your warm and encouraging words, you have a way of soothing my soul. Yes, it did feel like a turning point. No idea where we’re going to go from here in the intermediate or long term, together or separate, but I feel quite settled with how we have left things for now. There are some new possibilities/opportunities in the horizon that may or may not improve the situation, not least if all his admission to feeling depressed and seeking medical help. If the old him comes back, who knows? It may be a step towards getting back what we had, but again it might not. Difficult to say if things have gone too far down the wrong road and whether either (or both) of us are able and willing to love the other again in the ‘right’ way, rather than this co-existence that is at time pleasant enough and at other times bordering on emotional abuse. Time will tell.
I can understand why you don’t want to go to the codependency group if you’re feeling rough, but maybe don’t rule it out altogether.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 and @caketimeisover Surely if ‘D’H coming to your house for contact is uncomfortable for you, a better arrangement can be agreed? If they are being pigheaded about it, that’s too bad. I suppose all you can do in that case is go out where they’re there? But what is wrong with having DCs at their new place? They chose to leave after all!!

@thegrassisgreenernow I am intrigued as to your celebrity fantasy, sounds like it worked a treat! Give us a hint as to the lucky man...?

@Bigpooh13 How was your night out and how are you today?

@Stillfunny and @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies You’ve both bern quiet so I hope everything is ok’ish for you both? Drop by to let us know when you get the chance.

Have a lovely afternoon if you can, thinking of you all. Much love. xxx

@SoTiredTonight, thank you for your lovely words. No one has ever said that I’ve soothed their soul before . In spite of the gardening I’m feeling unloved and unloveable. It will pass.

Whether together or separate, it sounds as if the two of you have made real progress and found an accommodation while things settle down. That’s got to be good and better than where you were. I agree with you about the group. I’m not writing it off but ... we’ll see.

Enjoy the rest of the day.

xx

I get the group thing it can make you feel sadder. I've just finished a book I started when we were on holiday in april. It's quite poignant really as he later said that he was a bored on holiday as we gone back to same place. He booked it I didnt wanna go. But the book was about girl and it had some strong messages in it like reinventing yourself and your life. To find yourself again as we pour our lifes into another person who doesnt do the same back. Well I burnt the book on the log burner.

He cleared most of his stuff out whilst I was at my brothers , giving him space, wish I had stuck it out, tjongs might have been different. But gone now. I then took bags of the crap he had left to him when I used to go to the farm to walk our dogs miss them too. He used to come around to ask for other stuff and I let him have it meat out of the freezer , beer out the fridge everything. He came and asked for his flask and I just thought now fuck off and asked if he wanted the leeks out his veg patch as well. I have a few things left i haven't chucked like his wedding suit and black tie stuff . But he has left his bloody fish tank I dont think the heap, wants them.

@SuperbMonkey You are most definitely far from unloved and unloveable. Even through the ether you come across as a beautiful, kind and generous person. You have no idea how encouraging your posts are! But I think we all feel like it at times. Just remember that it’s a lie!!
Hope you have a nice evening! xxx

@Bigpooh13, you still haven’t told us about your evening with you friend. You sound sad this evening. I’m not sure about burning books but if it helped you to feel better. Good to be catching up on some reading though. I seem to have a pile of books to read with which I’m making little progress. I’m sad that you miss your dogs. I can imagine how that feels. It sounds as if he’s left you with the fish though - not very helpful.

@SoTiredTonight . You have made my day, thank you. A Saturday night on my own drags me down a little. I’m relaxing in front of the TV - Scandi Noir. Hope your own evening is going well xx

Sending lots of love to you all tonight.

Lots of strength among you all, I am so pleased for all the steps forward and sad for the setbacks. I can't catch up individually, no epic post head today, but Superb, congratulations on second interview. And I quite agree - your 'voice' is so soothing and warm.

I don't like myself at all at the moment. I have had a week of major hopium. Conversation with H last weekend where he essentially said he had made a big mistake, and talked of us getting back together. I played it cool, and was determined not to give it too much headspace.

But of course I did. And of course, and inevitably, today he backtracked. Which has set me back several miles. I am so angry at him for sharing his thoughts with me, especially as largely he said it is all true, but I think he is just weak. It's just easier to stick with what he's doing. Bastard. And I'm angry at myself for opening up a tiny bit, when my head was telling me not to.

And I was doing so well. I think I took him by surprise being so strong and decisive last week that it threw him.

And for a little while there I was talking to my lovely person again, for the first time in months. And I find it so sad that I truly think that person is still there, just pushed down my Mr Shithead.

What was I thinking to let him hurt me again.

You are all being so strong and inspirational, and this is such a caring space. I feel I have really let the side down.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, thank you for your kind words. I am feeling better after the Scandi Noir fest.

I wondered whether your H had indicated a wish to come back. Chumplady has quite a lot to say on the subject of hopium. The problem is the backtracking; how do you get your trust in him back? There’s no easy answer to that one. The fact that you were starting to make moves forward away from him by seeing a solicitor and suggesting the next steps may have caused him to think again. A week’s distance and who knows what outside influence perhaps caused the backtrack. Kindness in place of the cold, distant tone is bound to hook us in to hopium. It did for me but now I can see that kindness was used as a means to an end. Hopium has gone. Your person may still be there. For your peace of mind it’s best to assume that he’s gone and act accordingly. If it came to it I’m not sure that I could practice what I’m preaching. So you haven’t let the side down in any way. What you felt was normal and human and generous. Hopefully you can pick the subject up at counselling and get some gentle support there.

Sleep well everyone. 🛏 💤 x