Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

I'm just back from Little Women too @SuperbMonkey, and didn't cry at the film (surely much less sad than the book? Though was about 11 when I read it I think so maybe that's why, not sure I'd cry at Lassie now either, but then again...), though did have an unfortunately tissue-less weep when the ruminations intruded at one point.

@Stillfunny, your situation sounds awful. It is much easier to deal with now DH is not here.

@caketimeisover thank you .

What I do know now is that I have lots of friends, and reaching out tends to result in responses and plans. It's really hard and awkward to reach out with a 'anyone fancy Little Women on Saturday?' when previously you'd have a plan, or it would be just fine not to have one. But meeting people who want to spend time with you is bloody good.

OK .At the risk of outing myself , I am in Ireland. Used to live in UK.
And yes , it is hard , but house is big enough so seperate rooms, bathrooms, even living room.And elderly aunt, too.
Being very civilised , even watched movie together . So playing nicely so far. Almost invited him in to my bed ( just feeling it !) but obviously thought better of it.
Anybody else miss sex? Sorry if that is too personal.

@thegrassisgreenernow, I’m glad it wasn’t just me. The friends cried pretty much all the way through. I have friends I can reach out to, but I feel like a burden, which holds me back. I don’t have many local friends although I am trying to change that. The mornings are the worst. I wake up, like now, feeling so down. Even when I’ve arranged things it’s hard to get going.

@Stillfunny, our sex life wasn’t great. Looking back I can see that he withheld sex. Part of his dismissive avoidant attachment style. Thinking about it makes me feel sad.

@SuperbMonkey yes, that waking groundhog moment when it floods you again is so terrible. Is it getting even a bit less though? I hope so for you. I'm forcing myself to acknowledge that it is for me (and I think that's true) and recognising that that's a small step forward seems to help me.

Stopping the intrusive thoughts seems nigh on impossible. I was angry about it last week, as felt that I did not want DH taking up all my mind space. Counsellor suggested that I shouldn't fight the thoughts though, that they were part of the healing process and that I should just let them come, see what they were, then let them 'float away' and get on with whatever I had to do. That helped a bit too, made me feel a bit more in control of myself.

And yes, am feeling a burden to friends too. I never used to meet mates on a Saturday night.

@Stillfunny I can't say I'm missing sex with DH, too much awfulness associated with OW and the parallel sex DH was having with us both when I'd thought their relationship was over. He even had an STD screen early on and showed it to me. So discovering 6 months in that they were still at it was eeerrrgh. I am suddenly having dreams about better sex though!

I am a bit further on I think and hopefully , like me , the early morning thoughts do ease .And I have the asshole walking past me.! I think it is bearable because I don't care about him much.
I have only one friend that I discuss it with. The rest are all bored , I suspect . And my sister thinks I should not annoy myself and be over by now.

@thegrassisgreenernow, I love your user name because it’s so positive. At present the Groundhog Day feeling in the morning hasn’t decreased noticeably. Or more accurately, some days it is better than others and some days (this morning) it’s awful. I’m in a limbo right now. That will change soon but the uncertainty of what it will change into is frightening. A lot of this is emotional tiredness too.

On intrusive thoughts, I need to do longer mindfulness sessions. Oddly one of the reasons I have meditated only for very short sessions since the split is the fear of intrusive thoughts about H. It may be worth trying longer sessions and letting the thoughts come and go in a controlled way as you suggest. As it stands I fall into rumination and obsession about working out what went wrong when. Madness. Chumplady can get me back on track as can this thread, but I want my old self back. People say she’s still here but for me she is buried so deeply that I’m struggling to find her.

I’m late 50s so I feel as if my life is over, or rather my quality life. I’m very fit for my age and don’t look it, but my age is what it is. Thought of in that way I hate him for wasting my time so cruelly. What sort of person does that? But bitterness isn’t going to help me, and helping me has to be my focus.

Thank you for listening. x

I'm really struggling the last few days. Probably coz I haven't seen him. Which I know is gud and I have to get used to it.
Yep I miss the sex loads as we were very active even when we had split and when he moved out as we will still working together. But I stopped it. As I knew about his ex but hadnt told him I knew. When he finally confessed he said he could wear a condom. I nearly puked.. I miss him so much . And I'm struggling with the loneliness as it was us all the time. We went out together. Didnt really go out much with other couples. We had our own activities we did. When he went shooting he always wanted me to pick him up and be with the crowd. I hate shooting. This why I'm finding hard to accept and understand. That now he is just a bully. And playing me to get what he wants. Sorry.
I appreciate you all having a disgusting time and massive life changes.
My best friend is always texting which helps. But not alot of support else where.

When I tell him hes wasted my life he gets angry n upset. Says we had a gud . time. Superbmonkey. Similar again. Age , status.
No idea where to or how to start again. Without my other half. We had a gud life . But the old wife must be very very special in some way but nobody has worked it out yet.

Also late 50s and also feel my life is over . But it isn't is it? Just not the one I thought I had in front of me.
And pissed off that this has left me with fewer options .

I tend to ruminate on what he was feeling and doing to justify his behaviour. WTF were these guys thinking of ? And I know that none will give a truly honest answer. Just one that will make them feel OK and able to convince themselves that it wasnt all their fault.
But as I say to my DH, it is hard enough to hear that you no longer want to be with me , but the fact that after all these years of marriage and kids, you thought you would also cheat and deceive me.

Now I am angry. Think I will go kick some arse .

@Bigpooh13 and @Stillfunny. Our lives aren’t over. We are in the position of having to recreate them when we didn’t anticipate having to do so. And financially it’s bad for us. On that note must prepare for interview tomorrow. Lots to do.

Interview for a job ? That is great! I hope you get it if it is one that you would like. And if you come across as articulate and intelligent as you do here, I am sure you will.

@Stillfunny, thank you so much. It’s a part time role and this is the first interview. I’ve had lots of interviews for lots of roles and haven’t got them which has been depressing. However I am persevering and trying to put my late life career first. It’s so lovely to have a compliment. 🙏

Wishing you luck and hope it goes well for the interview. Thank you for the support on here.

@Bigpooh13, ah thank you so much. We are a mutual support group. I’m thinking about how @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies is doing and whether her conversation took place. She seems so together that I’m sure it went well.

Hello ladies, just want to check in and say thinking of you all. I’m not very together these last few days, not very sleeping well and then busy days.
Typed a really lengthy post last night which somehow got deleted before I could send it. I could have cried. I’d actually put a whole lot about my relationship and a few things that had happened but was too tired to start it again. And now have no mental energy to go over it all again. Long story short, DH charity shopped some stuff I’d set aside for a friend. For info, they were special interest books and CDs which would have cost a fair amount to purchase, and are not of great interest to the average charity shop purchaser, and neither would the charity make much money on them. So it felt like a total waste from all sides. And besides, he knew they were intended for someone but he decided to be ‘proactive because the room was full of clutter’. I went a bit mad and he just made excuses, as he always does when he interferes with things that belong to me or that are mine to deal with. For background, he throws out mailings etc addressed to me if he thinks they’re useless, puts things I want to keep indoors in the shed, generally ‘fixes’ things I’ve already done. And generally criticises or at least dismisses the majority of what I do or say. Sounds really petty, I know, but it feels like a constant swimming against the tide trying to do things my way. It wears me down so much.
Anyway, after I discovered about the books, I then realised he had thrown out a really smart looking cardboard box I had kept to organise inside one of the wardrobes. I honestly felt like screaming. Which I think I did down the phone to him - he’s away working at the moment. He ended up hanging up on me and I sent him a couple of really long texts detailing how his attitude has been making me feel over the years and how unhappy I am. Nothing new really, but I really laid it all out. How I’ve never come first, something or someone is always more important and how he has no respect for me. Also ranted about how has never stood up for me to PILs. FIL can be very abrupt and has on occasions be really out of order with me. I just feel totally separate from his entire family by now and am reluctant to join any occasions because it feels so false. I just don’t want to put on this happy family show anymore.
Well, that was yesterday lunchtime and I’ve heard not a thing. On one hand, I’m not surprised but part of me is in disbelief that he would give me the silent treatment after me pouring my heart out.
Haven’t told anyone in RL and weirdly I have been in an almost good mood, but I think that’s the CogDiss raising its head again. I think it’s my way of coping with the utterly shit situation.
Sorry this is long and probably garbled, just needed to get it out. x

I still haven’t heard from him. Don’t know whether to be annoyed or upset. He just really doesn’t give a shit b

@SoTiredTonight. Hello. You have had a very trying day! Things get so on top of us when we are not sleeping well.

What you have written isn’t either long or garbled. You can vent as much as you like here. It’s so frustrating when you lose a post because it’s never as good if you try to redo it. The words don’t flow in the same way. Of course that sort of behaviour from your H wears you down. That’s what he intends. All you can do is hold your ground. Each little success is a step forward towards freedom. Good for you for letting him know what you think of him. Sometimes you have to let the feelings out. You did that, released some pressure and that’s why you were in a good mood. You feel what you feel. Perhaps he is debating what to do because you have stood up to him. I don’t think they are too bothered about the pouring out of hearts. We know that they are skilled justifiers to themselves. You can’t worry about what he thinks.

I hope you sleep better tonight. Recharge those fizzing batteries! x

Thank you @SuperbMonkey, I just feel flat. Still no response. Or any contact as a matter of fact. I am so deflated and also quite angry that I’m being sidelined like this. It’s not anything he’s ever done before. But then, I suppose I have never messaged him to say I didn’t want to be in this ‘marriage’ that isn’t one. I just really don’t know where to go from here.

Hello Wonderful Warriors!

Am wiped after busy weekend of much tidying, so won't write much, but I just wanted to send many hugs and much support to all, and wishes for a good tomorrow.

Had decent conversation with H which I am relieved about. Still much to sort, but heading in the right direction. Glad to have been in a more 'together' mode - thank you Superb!

xx

Hello @Bunnies, glad to hear your conversation went well! xx

That must be such a relief**@bunnies** .Glad you were able to keep your cool. You must be quite pleased that you have a plan going forward.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, morning. Pleased to read your update and glad your conversation went well. It’s good to have a plan.

Have a good day everyone. xx

Just popping on to have a brief rant. When I look at the threads on here there seem to be a disproportionately large number of men having affairs and blaming the affairs on their wives. They ‘want their space, don’t know whether they love the wife or partner any more, don’t like their lives, don’t like being a parent, are bored, need more from life’ and so on. What is going on? Is there a generation of 35 to 55 entitled men who don’t give a toss about anyone else but themselves? Another woman comes onto the scene at some point. It is shocking. If the marriage is over end it before you have an affair. Show some respect for the person you once said you loved and who you married and, in most cases, had children with. What’s wrong with you!

Exactly this. I just don't understand, even if you decide you're not in love with someone any more, how can you just switch off all respect and empathy for someone you shared a life and family and children with? How can you just go off and lead a double life, then come home as if all is well (or even worse, act as if all isn't well but be too cowardly to explain yourself).

I said to my STBXH at one point I couldn't understand how he'd done it, I never thought he'd do something like this. He said "maybe we all have it in us". Er no. Because I have morals and decency and I'd never intentionally hurt anyone or break my marriage vows.

Had a big "f**k you then" week last week (no crying in the toilets at work at all, go me!), but in a bit of a slump now, feeling quite tearful. It's all just horrible isn't it.

@caketimeisover, thanks for agreeing with me! I am so angry today. Not a good look for an interview.