Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

So on my ToDo List was to contact solicitor. But then heard that this week is D day with huge numbers of couples looking to start divorce proceeding. And I wouldn't want to be a cliche , would I ?

Feeling balanced today. DH came home, ate dinner.Got a few dirty looks from me . So he sits on couch , watching TV. In some ways , I think it suits him.This way , he is still in the house, getting his stuff done by me .And because I don't talk to him , he doesnt have to listen to any negative words.

Just so pissed off and disgusted with him.I now have to deal with the consequences of his shit behaviour.

On first learning of his affairs , my first reaction was " Get the fuck out of my life " .Thinking now I should have followed through , but was afraid of making a hasty decision that I might regret.

What were your initial reactions? Do you still feel the same ? Anybody think they would like to have these guys back in their homes ?

Bigpooh, the sense of community here is such a big part of this process for me. Supporting, being supported, having somewhere to ‘word’ it all out – massively important.

Yes, H was always a big judger of people and their actions. He would be disgusted if this were someone we knew. How he’s staying upright under the weight of whatever denial and self-justification he’s built I do not know.

Superb, yes every day closer – hope you had a good sleep. Thank you for your words.

SoTired – you are all such an inspiration to me! Cognitive dissonance can fuck right off!

Still, I had forgotten about the January Divorce surge. Poor woman I’m seeing today is probably swamped! Him being around like a big ugly boil on your life must be hard. Get the solicitor appointment and prepare to lance!

My old mate CogDiss means I am repelled by H’s behaviour. I don’t respect, like or trust this upgraded version of him. Would I take him back? No, I couldn’t get past him hurting the dc so much, can’t see how I could ever trust someone who was so weak, unkind and stupid. But yes, I can admit here I would consider it. I still love him and miss him and what we had. I would probably want to see if that person was still there somewhere. It certainly wouldn’t mean him moving back in, so I’ve no idea how anything would work practically, but I can’t lie about how I feel. Whether I would, in reality, be able to go there, I don’t know. Headfuck yet again.

So, onwards. Wishing us all a better day.

You know what? Either karma will get them or the guilt and shame will (that little compartmentalised box where they've shoved all the shit stuff they've done will explode all over the place, and that is not going to be fun to clean up!). And even if not, they have to live their lives as who they are now (weak, needy, cruel, selfish and unable to value things like love, family and commitment).

As difficult as this is now, we'll be ok long before they are!

I used to believe in karma but now I get the feeling that karma got me.

Morning everyone!

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, wishing you well for your meeting with your solicitor. Please don’t be nervous. Your solicitor will put you at ease and is going to help you. In some respects handing over responsibility for at least one part of your life is such a relief. Expect to feel upset while you are there and don’t feel embarrassed about that.

My H is a snob and a massive judge of other people as not being good enough. He was a shell of a human being when I met him. I gave him confidence and brought him out of himself. That why it’s so odd that he has ‘traded down’. Or rather gone back to being an adolescent love sick teenager. This woman provides an easy escape route too. Another country, adoring, ready made family, far from ageing parents (a big positive for him), adored brother living abroad for many years. I can see why I had little to offer compared to that 😀.

I am sleeping better thanks to the anti-ds. That makes the days easier. My brain is clearing, and I feel more decisive. My slumps happen unexpectedly and seem to be based in fear. My anxiety creates a sick feeling in my stomach. That brings on the tears. Horrible feeling.

@Stillfunny and Bunnies, cognitive dissonance is a big one for me too. Bunnies expresses it perfectly. My feelings are exactly the same but I know with my head that I can’t get over this. It’s a battle between the head and the heart. As I feel better my head wins more, but it’s the heart that creates the luring, dangerous feelings.

@caketimeisover, I love that quote. Thank you. I do believe that they will live the rest of their lives as you describe. Perhaps they don’t care about that because it is, after all, who they are. There is an interesting thread on the relationships board about being an empath and therefore attractive to personality disordered people. It may have been our lot in life to love people who were for a while capable of showing some sort of love to us, but then discarding when we ceased to fuel their unhealthy need for adoration, excitement, support, and so on. That’s nothing to do with us and there was nothing we could do to put it right. They are disordered people. I’m not sure that I believe in karma ...

@Bigpooh13, for a while I thought that what was happening to me was karma for past wrongs. I know that isn’t the case now. My H made choices. He knew they were ethically dubious choices but he made them anyway. I would not have made those choices because I have integrity. I have to try to live with that.

I hope everyone going through this continues to find support here, where you can be yourself and as angry as you want (or as sad). It is a safe place. xx

One thing I am finding we seem to have in common is our ages. In our 50s , long term marriages.And husbands returning to former acquaintances . So mid life crisis all around. Pathetic.

Now that I am able to start telling people , it is strange. Most are shocked and supportive of me. They all knew how I was so strong and capable , coping on my own while he worked away. And appreciate my current living situation. But when I was asked very kindly , if it was something we could overcome, it is then I feel so humiliated. And disgusted with him .I just said that there is too much to forgive and I'd rather not go into details.
He thinks I want to punish him by revealing all. But I tell him that the basic facts , the TRUTH , is all his own doing .And why should I want to protect his reputation in any way.
And when he still asks if we can try and rekindle our relationship, I just list all the crap and ask him how the hell he thinks I can forgive and forget all he has done?

When I have a slump , I like to read back some of my posts here. I was in a determined place , and someone here commented that she admired me. And that meant a lot to me. Even though it is anonymous, I felt vindicated in my determination. that day. And I want to continue that feeling. The support here, where you can talk about your worst experience to women that totally understand how you feel is invaluable to me.

@Stillfunny, you are spot on with that (except perhaps for @Grumblina). I am a bit older than my H and his ex is 1 year younger. I am confident this has nothing to do with our age, attractiveness or intelligence. I believe that it is something wrong with the men’s thinking. They are scared of getting older and are trying to recapture their youth instead of rekindling and/or continuing in what has been a good marriage. In my case the woman (adolescent, sorry) did the chasing. I can see her hooking him in by using juvenile language which focuses on romance and sex. It makes him feel powerful and attractive. I could have done that too but I’m not chasing him.

I am not protecting his reputation as he is doing that well on his own! And I know what he really is. You are right not to do so, and why should you.

The admiration was genuinely meant by whoever said it. You are very strong. Stay calm and kick bottoms!

You’re right to tell everyone Still funny I think it helps you to heal. Why should people not know what they’ve done?? I felt so much better when I wrote to my ex’s new younger woman to tell her what kind of man he was( my friends told me not too) how he’d ghosted me on and off for a couple of weeks, about the sexual/emotional abuse/aggression/gaslighting and how he makes himself invaluable to women with young kids as in his past relationships, including with me and to protect herself as I wish I’d been warned about him. It makes it harder when your children become attached to them. She was said she was appalled by his behaviour- the ghosting as she’d been through it with her best friend. I think they’re still together though and I get it, she’s a single mum got a young child and he’s got himself in there, made himself easily available, making them depend on him! It is very hard In your fifties or if you’ve been left with young children, it really Is shit. I can’t imagine how hard it is to have to make yourself get up when all you want to do is stay under the covers and look after a young baby. So sorry for anyone in this situation.
To answer the question ... would I have had him back? Yes in a heartbeat in the first few months when I thought about his fun, thoughtful side and to kill the pain. Now I just think “scum” No! When I look at his photos now I feel a little sad, I don’t cry uncontrollably, the sad songs I used to listen to don’t do the same either. I’m slightly tearful but not much - I can handle it.
I used to listen to Ward Thomas- “Hopeless” and Dan And Shay - “I heard goodbye” the words are so poignant and were very true for me but I don’t cry to them anymore.
You can all get through this, you are all amazing, selfless beautiful women

@Woolybear, you are Mighty!

Solicitor was amazing. Think I am a little in love with her! Supposed to be a free half-hour, which turned into 90 minutes.

That's really it for legal advice, as I just have no money for anything ongoing. If it becomes essential lovely friend has offered a loan, but she went through everything, so I know what I need to do.

I am now so sad. How did something so lovely end up reduced to this grubby money-wrangling? I am not anticipating a pleasant conversation with him.

Definitely want my mum...

@smallboxofchoc. Well done at solicitors it's very harsh to try and accept this is where we are at. He wont pay any costs towards the divorce he wants so told him he will have to wait then as I've no income due to not being able to work with him on the farm..
Had a slump this afternoon due to my sister coming over the one that said I must be horrible as what he left me for. Thanks. She wanted me to help her do her grocery shopping . I obliged but with having no money and helping her fill up 2 trolleys for herself was fun. I also hate food shopping as I see things that I would have got him. .
Stupid. Always have to hold back the tears. But then remember he actually goes food shopping with the heap now.

@ASmallBoxof ChocolateBunnies, you too are Mighty. It’s so good that you saw the solicitor. I am pleased that you got on well with her and that she was generous with her time. I understand about having little money for ongoing help. That applies to me and many others of us on here. A family lawyer friend is helping me with guidance but I will deal with most things myself.

I am yet to have the money conversation but it is imminent. I’m not looking forward to it either. The sadness is already present and I am expecting a difficult time. My Mum is completely useless. She seems to blame me.

On a positive note what have you planned for this evening as per your counsellor?

Grubby money wrangling, indeed! I swear this is the only reason that I haven't kicked him out or ran off myself.
This is mainly why I let him stick around. BUT , as soon as things are going my way ( probable inheritance that I have already ring fenced ) , everything will change. And he is in for a shock.

Softly , softly , get rid of cheating , lying monkey faced asshole !

@Stillfunny

You go girl!!!

@Stillfunny, it sounds as if there is light at the end of the murky tunnel. That’s good.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, I hope you’re ok. Look after yourself.

I’m having a slump but it will pass. A moment or two of feeling overwhelmed by my situation. I’ve made a bit of progress today and have things on tomorrow. I had another counselling session today. We explored whether or not I had accidentally married my sulky mother, and concluded that perhaps I had. This is a depressing thought. I often feel sad after counselling, so perhaps that’s it. Lots to think about.

Have a good evening all.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies
So glad you got extra time with your solicitor, that was generous. it’s really hard and draining.
Have a nice glass of wine and try and relax a little.

@SuperbMonkey
Oh superbmonkey that is harsh and your mum should be supporting you, not make you feel worse. I had counselling some time ago for an unrelated matter and it does make you feel absolutely drained, wiped out and sad. I think it’s probably a natural reaction after discussing things in depth with your counsellor. Be kind to yourself, it will get easier. One day you will look back and think ‘I am so strong’ much love to you xx

@Bigpooh13
Your sister sounds mean saying that to you... kicking you while your down. Hope she treated you to some of that shopping! X

@Coughgate
Hi coughgate how are you?

@Woolybear, thank you so much for your kind words. I think you are right. I am chilling and going with the natural reaction.

My mum is entirely unsupportive. She has narcissistic tendencies and, in counselling, I have identified that she has always been emotionally unavailable. My H has a similar personality. We go for what feels familiar.

Much love and thanks returned xx

You wud of thought she wud offer to pay for my out of date bag of kale and some cat food. Nope. Told me to go through till 1st then unload her stuff for her. Funny.
Rising above the slump girls.
They arent bothered. They are probably planning their next move to disappoint and betray us again.
Just want to sit on a hot beach with a cocktail.

@SuperbMonkey funnily enough when I saw a counsellor he related my relationship to my dad, he controlled things at home and I married someone who controlled everything very good at confusing me with words, not that I am thick in anyway but manipulative in how he says things, to make me feel as if I was in the wrong. It is funny as well that he told satans whore as I am calling it, that I was controlling!!
@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies glad yo hear that the solicitor was good, I have seen one too but cant afford one. I know I am going to have to have one as wankbadger is too good and I will end up caving and giving in. So a solicitor can do it all, o think that's why I am holding off at the moment finances and all that

@bigpooh13
That’s just horrible. Does she not understand how hard it is for you? Do you have other siblings?

@Jacteller
He was projecting, twisting things and rewriting your history as people have said it happens.

@Bigpooh13, you have not had a very good day. I’m sorry for that. I hope you sleep well.

@Jacteller, we will come out of this with strength of character and knowing ourselves better than we did before. Listen to @Woolybear, the wise one.

Have a good night everyone. Tomorrow is another day closer to sanity xx