Superb, thank you. I certainly do feel loved and valued here. Your posts are always so kind and insightful and you have a dignity that just shines through your words. I had another telephone counselling session today which was all about forward planning. Starting off with planning small things, including a mix of chores and nice things day by day. Although a slump can come at any time, there seems to be a pattern where I start feeling low towards the end of work, then sit around in the evening (if dd doesn’t join me) and poke around on Facebook and other sites feeling miserable. So instead I might plan to, say, put a wash on, put some stuff away that’s littering the living room, then have a read for an hour. Just simple things like that. So schedule and stick to it, to get into new routines. Then add in some bigger things to look forward to. So drinks at the end of the week with friends. Gradually adding in some harder things – like listening to some music, which I haven’t been able to do. Sounds quite interesting.
You are right that grief is healing and we should allow ourselves to feel this, and feel refreshed afterwards.
Sending strength back to you, newuser – we all deserve a brighter future, and sharing is such a helpful part of the process.
TheoneandObi – very much appreciate your support.
Turmoil, I’m glad you’re getting comfort – I think it’s a real ‘virtuous circle’ - getting such a lot of support from all of you is such a help, and trying to give it back is also helping – makes for a real sense of community and safety in such a shitty time.
The Hopium is a bastard. I’m seeing everything he’s done for the horror show it is, but seem to have 2 parallel dialogues. One still wanting to go back in time and be with my person, the other wanting him to come back to me, despite the fact I don’t know how I could maintain any self-respect if he did, and I took him back. I guess that’s the difference between what you know, and what you feel.
Coughgate, What Superb says is very true. There are many forms of betrayal – and you have to turn it around. The root of the problem is not you being unable to put up with the lies any more, it is that there were lies in the first place. There is no blame on you at all. You have made a strong decision.
I think it’s natural to incline towards self-blame, especially when someone we have always loved, respected and trusted is telling us it’s our fault! Making that mindshift is a huge undertaking as we are so blindsided by the change in that person that the world no longer makes sense.
Thank you too yogo!
Jacteller – yes! The many voices telling you so many different things! To be honest it’s astounding we are all still standing, slump or not. I am so sorry about your financial situation, that is really hard. And God, the social media posts I write in my head. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned is so, so right! I have surprised myself by my vindictiveness. And I am enjoying in a sick way talking through H’s crapness with friends with much venom and obscenities. But none of that is for the ‘general public’. I intend remaining dignified – the contrast between that and his words and actions says more than I could ever hope to achieve. He is a wankbadger. I am a dignified, if a bit slumpy, Warrior Woman!
Glad the no contact is starting to pay dividends, caketime. Shallow, needy Dickheads pretty much sums it up. I am sorry you have the added hurt of it being a friend. And yes, the wondering about how others see you is part of that gift of humiliation the Dickheads have given us. Might not be logical, but not much in my head is at the moment! I am glad you got a real sense of them as gross. I don’t think any true happiness can come from something based on self-delusion.
Enjoy your nice fresh bed. You’re much better than me, I haven’t changed mine for a while – slattern! You had to do something horrible today, and you did it. That is a massive achievement.
Funny, isn’t it, Jac – my H was a massive snob and not only did he sort of look down on the people and life he is now enthusiastically embracing, but he would have turned his nose up at the Jeremy-Kyle-esque behaviour he’s now exhibiting!
Bigpooh, I think the memories are there for them. In the same way that I think they know on some level how nonsensical and awful they have been. And the reason they keep blabbing on either blaming or talking bullshit is because if they stopped, if they allowed some ‘quiet’ in, they would have to face themselves, which Must Not Be Allowed.
And echoing what I said to Jac – no! Don’t go there with thinking people will be looking askance at you. H’s new (old) woman is older than me (and looks older), not as attractive (blowing my own trumpet, although I’m no oil painting), not intelligent etc. That he picked her as part of his pathetic, regressive nostalgia-fest is no reflection on me. I can’t possibly compete with ‘lost youth’. It reflects solely on him and his complete inability to face the realities of growing older, having to work at worthwhile things and accepting life may not turn out how you envisaged. Trying to recapture his youth, throwing away the fabulousness of me and the life we had (and it was fabulous, despite the usual niggles of a 20-odd year relationship) just makes him a massive bellend. And people will see that. Most people are pretty decent. And they will react as you,as we, have done, because decent people don’t do those things.
Grumbelina, you sound so strong yourself.
SoTired, I think not being able to concentrate, losing track is all part of the process. Waffling on here is a big part of my ‘release’, if you like. I like words, as you may have noticed! We all post in the way that helps us best. Just soak up the love and support and I hope you get better sleep tonight.
A very timely chivvying, Superb! I’m trying to work out if my big girl pants should go on over my dragonscale armour, like Superman, or underneath 
I have eaten, I am going to have a read, then pull together stuff for the solicitor’s appointment I have finally made for tomorrow. Am very nervous.
Blimey. We have all had such shit thrown at us, but we have humour, kindness and determination – we are mighty! Much love to you all.