Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

So interesting couple of days. Will not go into detail, both for length, and because some of it is a bit specific, but essentially had a phone call with H yesterday.

Best we've had in ages, and he listened, acknowledged, validated my feelings and apologised. Still plenty of justification in there, but made me feel a bit better. I don’t feel any more kindly towards him, but validation is good.

I asked and he confirmed that he is now in relationship with Firstlove. Very recently apparently, although did eventually admit that at least 'feelings' were there in summer. It's all part of this lovely home town, connecting with old friends scenario. None of which would have precluded me from going to join him, until you add the magic ingredient of Firstlove. This will be their 8th attempt at being together, and they last tried nearly 30 years ago. I've seen pictures, she is older than me by a few years, and looks even older. I am allowed to be a bit petty, aren't I?

I can't decide if it's better or worse that it's her and not a stranger. She's always been the one I felt would concern me if they ever met up, so the irony of me encouraging him to take a job literally round the corner from her is cosmic! Was so excited at the time, didn't cross my mind.

But the whole thing is so pathetic. It's hard enough to 'go back' at the best of times, but if you're wearing rose-tinted spectacles big enough to block out the sun, reality is surely going to hit eventually. Especially as everything he is doing and saying is the opposite of everything he's wanted for decades.

Feelings a bit mixed after this, but actually decided that his behaviour is so laughable, and so pathetic that I’m a little embarrassed for him. What a weak excuse for a human being. Any respect I had for him has definitely fizzled.

I so miss the man he was. I miss his company, his humour, his kindness, our conversations, sex (although of course he disparaged that – why do they always seem to do that?), everything about my person. But he is most definitely not that person any more. In fact he has behaved, and seems to have become, almost exactly like his dad. And as I didn’t massively like his dad, I’ve no desire to be married to his clone!

So after a bit of brooding I went upstairs and took my wedding ring off, mentally sticking 2-fingers up at Mr love’s young dream.

And to cap it all, he told dd about Firstlove, and then took her to meet up with her. The self-absorption is strong with this one! Yes, it’s always best to allow plenty of time to adjust before introducing your new family. Oh wait, you didn’t, Emperor of the Wankbadgers.

Am furious, but at the same time, he’s just not worth it. DD unimpressed by it all, sees pretty much every conversation as self-justification. Loves him to bits, which is only right and good, but…

So he couldn’t be bothered to fight for something that was so good - that was much too hard and he was feeling sad and unloved (diddums), and it was much easier to regress.

So feeling a little more warrior-ish.

Haven't posted for awhile as it all seemed so negative for me recently.
My situation is different as he is still in the house, wants to reconcile. But I find it so hard .
Spent most of this weekend , following him around, being vicious and nasty , making him cry. Found a list of apps he had looked at on his new phone.Or crying myself . So unhealthy . Scary thing is that sometimes I feel myself softening towards him. So I remind him of the facts.
For three years , he lied and betrayed me. First , an online thing while working away. Brought that shit home with him. Then when that ended , was on dating sites, went on a date with OW, THEN , when he got fed up , he was on gay sites!! FFS , couldn't make it up.
Especially such a straight, boring guy that had been married for 30 years ! He claims that once he crossed the line , he felt he couldn't stop and it was all madness within.
And he is REALLY REALLY sorry.

Ironically , I am starting counselling tommorrow which is a year to the day that I caught him using his secret , second phone.
And have been forcing myself to go walking every day . Determined to try and heal my mind , soul and body. Want to get back to my previous strong place.
I CAN DO THIS.

So , to all on this thread , please keep going. It truly does
help. I have only posted about his full digressions here.
Too ashamed , embarrassed and humiliated to reveal all to anyone in RL.

Fuck... been reading along but not posted, just want to say how sorry I am @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies - I literally held my breath reading your update and felt sick at his admission. I can’t imagine what a kick in the gut this must feel like for you. Fucking bastard.
And Stillfunny, equally reading yours... WTAF... The gay thing stunned me. Just not something I could get over personally. But then, not sure that I could over OW either.
Sendung massive hugs to both of you, and everyone else in this crappy boat.

Gay thing stunned all. Think it was a thrill seeking , full blown , crazy sex , MLC.
But again , it is the double life I cant forgive or forget .

I don’t know what to say about these updates. They are shocking.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, we are in the same situation with regards to the ‘first love’. It makes very little sense and is a romantic fantasy. At least you have validation, not that that makes the situation any easier. You are entitled to have a view about Firstlove; that’s not petty. The extent of the regression is extraordinary. My feelings match yours in terms of lack of respect for the actions. The definition of dismissive avoidant attachment style fits perfectly in the case of my H, which includes putting an ex, often long-distance, on a pedestal. Running back to the illusion of childhood when life gets tricky and they get older. At one level never having grown up in the first place. Then the adoration from the ‘soulmate’ boosts the fragile ego. It is pathetic and laughable and the damage left behind is shocking. I feel for you and I feel for myself and all others in the same car crash. You sound like you have found your warrior. Taking the ring off is a hard step.

@Stillfunny, I’m glad that you’re posting again. Your situation sounds so difficult. I’m inspired by your strength. You are right to be angry. The counselling is going to help.

@SoTiredTonight, I’m was with you in hoping for a different outcome for Bunnies.

Cake, for some reason I can’t mention you in bold today. Someone should do research on why men (and it seems to be mostly men) behave in this way. It is mind boggling.

Well better get on with the day. I’m nervous all the time as to what it will bring. Living on adrenaline which isn’t good.

Lots of warm thoughts and love to all. xx

I wanted to add that your posts have given me strength so thank you xx

I was talking to his friend yesterday who lives near us and has been his friend since school. He just cant understand it. Also o/w is older than me n and been around the marriage block 5 times. Treated him bad n her kids . She has 4 but only sees 1 of them others disowned her. Absolutely crazy. This support is amazing . Your words resonate with me. I think I've just hit the iam very sad stage.

According to him , he then decided that no , gay was not him. Just wondering if he was attractive . We do have a lot of gay friends , all on their 50s , that all had girlfriends in their youth.
While so many of you , and I , find this shocking, my DCs reaction was also shocking to me.
DS26 said , " FFS , most guys get that settled by 19. "
DD23 said , " Well , some people are fluid like that " !!!!

And the original LD EA OW was someone he knew as a teenager.Made him feel nostalgic apparently.

I think the panic stage gas hit me as well. What do I do . Where do I go. We planned things . We talked about our future . He made plans for us. I'm just totally lost. I just wanna run away.

I feel very odd today, like everything is wrong & my fake it til you make it veneer is just not working. I think it's lack of sleep. I woke up at 5am after horrible nightmare about H. I was supposed to achieve so many things today but just couldn't get motivated. I'm going to write off today as a bad one, try to get some sleep tonight and get more focused tomorrow. I feel weak and if H got in touch to come back right now I'd say yes. I miss his hugs. Good job he's not been in touch then. It's so comforting to know I'm not the only one in this awful no man's land of a place where nothing fits anymore

I’m feeling shit too. Tearful and scared. Hate this.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies.
Wow. You are such a support. Thanks. Been to see a free psychologist . That has helped. He says we expect to heal n get over it too soon. Takes time it's a big shock and a whole new way of living etc. I love your comment about sad old git .so true . Let them run back to their childhood mummy boys.

@Bigpooh13 so glad you got some help from the psychologist (and free as well, go you!). That’s a really positive step. My day has been positive too, so feeling better thanks to the support of the gang on here. I also heard the comedian Sally Phillips talking about when her now ex-husband left her for as she puts it ‘a member of the Russian yoga team’. Sally is clever, beautiful, and rich, with a Down’s Syndrome son and a younger son. If it can happen to her in those circumstances it can happen to us. We are in elite company. More fool the unfaithful men, we are just too good for them. They always trade down!

Didn’t know that about Sally Phillips SuperbMonkey. She’s lovely. You’re right, just goes to show... Where did you listen to it, wouldn’t mind checking it out?

Hi @SoTiredTonight. This was in a podcast on BBC Sounds app. It is called ‘How Do You Cope? ... With Ellis and John’. It’s episode 10. It is well worth a listen. She is lovely and so funny.

I went to my first counselling session today. Already feel so much better and stronger. Go me !

Hi all

Not posted in a while but have been checking in and keeping up with all your posts. Making me feel stronger that others are going through something similar.

I posted a week or so again abour my partner walking out mid takeaway. That was mid Nov, we have 3dcs. Well one of you lovely ladies suggested I read Runaway Husbands and so I ordered it from Amazon. Read the whole thing in 2 sittings, all the way through I kept thinking 'my goodness this is exactly what happened to me. This is exactly what he did said etc. Except one thing, there is no OW in our case' This really played on my mind and so I did some snooping. Read his emails and found out he had booked a flight 2 weeks before he walked out on me. The day after he had walked out he had booked a hotel double bed for 2 adults. Wow, what a fool I am. They had a lovely holiday at the beginning of Christmas whilst he was texting me saying he had no money for Christmas presents for the kids. I ended up buying it all.

@Stillfunny, well done on the counselling. I’m so pleased that it made you feel strong. Go you as well as Big.

@Visioncroquet, it’s great that Runaway Husbands gave you some context. I found it helpful too. I am so sorry to read the rest of your news. What a dishonest and selfish man! How could he do that to his children! You are in no way a fool. He’s the fool. Big hugs. X

Visioncroquet Does it give you any satisfaction that he is so unimaginative and such a cliche? That a whole book predicted his behaviour?
Asshole.

Oh my good ladies, I’m so sorry for what you’ve all been through. I was in a similar position in July, completely blindsided and ghosted, told there was no other woman but a lot of excuses why it we weren’t together anymore but kept saying it wasn’t me and lo and behold shortly after I found out about the OW, found - some photos in a drawer.
I couldn’t get over the fact that I was discarded like a piece of rubbish too for the sake of someone he knew (younger though) for only a couple of weeks.
I had many nights and days where I cried inconsolably, woke up, when I did eventually sleep, crying in the middle of the night. I couldn’t eat, my friends noticed I was on the ‘heartbreak’ diet as I’d lost so much weight.
I didn’t think I would get through the other side but I have and I know you lovely ladies will too. I joined the gym, refocused and actually now feel disgust towards someone I thought was my best friend too but I was looking through rose tinted spectacles. I had actually put up with a lot of controlling, abusive behaviour and now I’m relieved he’s gone.
I’ve been on an online dating site, as being a single mum it is hard to meet people, I didn’t ever think I would date again but I took the plunge and it’s good.
I still cry occasionally but I’m so proud I’m through the other side and you all will be too. Women are the stronger, braver sex.

@Visioncroquet
What a complete moron and to say he had no money for the kids Christmas but money for a holiday, he’s a complete waste of space. Doesn’t deserve your tears.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies
[flower
Reading your posts I had all the same feelings and reactions as you, completely normal and justifiable.
You will get through this.
Sending you a virtual hug.

@Woolybear, thanks for posting your experience. You have made such positive steps to move forward. At least your cheater said that it wasn’t you! I got the opposite, it was ‘all my fault’. This was very cruel. All the consequences you describe are familiar. I’m nowhere near ready to think about dating again, and I doubt I ever will be. I’m in my late 50s and it is a particularly heartbreaking time for this to have happened. It is encouraging to read positive stories and gives hope. I have things to do today. Motivation is lacking and I need to find some strength.

Me too in my 50s. Not interested in dating. Never trust again. As didnt know anything was wrong .. his reason for leaving was he could not see himself growing old with me and we had a gud run . Even caught him crying about it . So still dont understand.

@Bigpooh13,you sound sad this morning. I don’t think you will ever be able to understand. Can you have another look at chumplady for some inspiration? She talks about ‘untangling the skein’ for trying to understand. She has a helpful article on why it’s a pointless exercise. I do the same thing in low moments. It doesn’t help. Remember too that your H doesn’t tell the truth. He isn’t honest. You have to take what he says with a pinch of salt.