Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

@caketimeisover mine are 13 and 7 now.

We have an eow arrangement but he has cancelled about a third of his weekends for different (excuses) reasons. Which makes it harder for me when they go as I have no routine at all

I love the Christmas break as it is more chilled than the other holidays and the kid sleep longer as it is darker in the mornings. And there is a lot of chocolate 🤣

When I first met him. He had split with his now new partner ex wife 5 years or more earlier. She left him with the 2 kids they had . He also has a daughter from 1st marriage . She has 2 other kids that she left with her 1st husband. She then took the kids back after a year more in benefits and maintenance payments. I took on the kids when we got together. He was on his arse with maintenance payments etc. I paid for everything. I bought the kids clothes every weekend as we did pick them up and she hadn't packed them a bag or fed them. She had moved away so it was a 3 hrs round trip Friday n sun night. We worked hard built up a gud life. Now shes back and taking his money again unbelievable. Sorry to rant. But really dont understand the logic of what the hell is he doing.

Well done @caketimeisover, handing over your babies is so fucking hard. Unless you've done it yourself you have no idea.I had to handover my DS (7) to his dad today. Handover went fairly smoothly but since yesterday afternoon & all morning DS has been relentlessly begging not to go and I've had to be as enthusiastic as I can be to make sure he goes. It breaks my heart but I know he needs to go and his future self will thank me for making all of this effort. I've been doing jobs since drop off and stopped for a cup of tea and to check up on all of you warrior women on this thread. Well done all of you for getting through these bloody horrible days one day at a time.

I'm thinking I should go out for a walk before the daylight totally disappears...I know I need to do something nice to make the most of the time I have to myself. What nice things are you doing for yourself caketime?

I have the same problem @unicornsarereal72 - in that I can't get into a proper routine yet - but it is still fairly early days for us so I'm waiting for things to settle down. Although due to H's job once work starts to pick up again the routine will go to shit because he works away for weeks at a time. Once DS is used to his Dad's house and stopped begging not to go I think I will relax a bit and hope to start making plans to visit friends that are further away. I'm still job hunting so once I have a job things will change again. So much change, it's overwhelming but I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying to have faith that it will all work out in the end.

@Bigpooh13 wow, you did a lot for your H. He doesn't sound like a prize and neither does his OW/ex wife. Keep reading Chumplady and take heart that you are the better person. You will win in the end.

@SuperbMonkey - I'm intrigued about your co-dependency group, I have been thinking long & hard about my relationship and seriously considering that I am co-dependent (needing to be needed to feel valued, which is related to low self esteem)...I hope you find it useful.

@Asmallboxofchocolatebunnies I hope you are ok today, it's such a rollercoaster isn't it. Be kind to yourself, it's ok to not be ok, we are all tortured by thoughts of what ifs and wishing things were different x

Love and strength to everyone on the thread, there are so many of us now I'm losing track of everyone's stories but they are all horribly similar. Selfish men have a lot to answer for!

Hello everyone. An update on the codependency meeting. This one was an all female large group (they also do mixed groups). The format is based on AA. The main part of the group is sharing for 2 minutes particular struggles or successes. No feedback or comment is permitted. This reflects the fact that codependents seek a reaction from others in response to their actions. It is intended to encourage the freedom to share feelings in a safe place without fear. That worked well. I was quite emotional when I shared my situation. A woman spoke to me afterwards having been in a similar position and said some encouraging words. We chose some affirmations from a sheet to read out at the end. It was easy to treat the references to God as being to a higher spiritual power rather than a specific power. I felt comfortable with that. I will probably go back, although I feel down and drained right now.

@TurmoilAndHeartbreak completely get the handling over it's so painful you never in your life thought you would have to hand o er your children to their dad. Its heartbreaking and yes I use to do nothing except count the hrs till they where back. Now I do things for me, no that's not going out and partying those says are over, but a nice long hot soak, read a book though I have to say my concentration is not what it was. Watch a box set and go for coffee with a girl friend. Tonight no kids they are with dad and the ow, I could crumble and rage and think have they called her mum bu accident and she is beaming with pride thinking that they have accepted her, no let's get off that thought train so I am off out visiting a friend for tea, then a rum n coke and bed.
@SuperbMonkey well done you for taking that step and recognising you have issues and dealing with them. I can see why you are drained it has taken alot out of you, but girl you did it and for that I am proud of you! I do mindfulness and yoga tho that has lapsed recently and I must start again

@Jacteller, thank you so much for those kind words and encouragement. It felt strange but I am sure I will get good things out of it. I do mindfulness regularly too (I have done for a long time). I find it hard to keep focused for more than a couple of minutes, without upsetting thoughts crowding in. I need to get back to that. I haven’t tried yoga for years (did Pilates for a while). I will have a look at that again too. Thanks for the support.

@SuperbMonkey and @Jacteller do you know about Yoga with Adriene on you tube? I love her. Every Jan she does a free 30 day yoga course. I'm behind by a couple of days but they will all go up on youtube to do when you want anyway (but I think it's more motivational to do it more or less when they go up as it gives you a sense of community). Here is the link for day zero incase you're interested:

Yes, @Jacteller that's the spirit! I'm determined to not let sadness creep in, I'm doing what I can to enjoy my time! Just back from a walk and listening to a funny podcast that had me laughing out loud. Think I will do my Yoga with Adriene session next then find something good to watch on the tv.

@TurmoilAndHeartbreak, thanks for that suggestion. I’ll have a look.

Same here i'm afraid OP. H left 3 years ago. Didn't have the guts to tell me why or say goodbye just left leaving me feeling devastated.
Turns out he did have another life as a transvestite and swinger.
All been going on behind my back, I found a swingers forum he was on.
There is always something else going on in the background.
They don't leave a comfortable life otherwise.

@madcatladyforever, that must have been a shocking discovery. How did you get over it?

Shite. That is a shocker. Feel for you.

Morning everyone. I’m having a slow start today. The codependency group seems to have got to me. I feel like such a failure today.

@SuperbMonkey you are not a failure, you are a human being and you have been badly hurt. Treat yourself like you would a friend that is going through what you're going through - tell yourself kind things and do kind things for yourself. You can get through this x

@TurmoilAndHeartbreak, thanks for your generous words. They mean a lot. At the moment I’m like @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies was - a soggy crumpled sock. A lot of the time I don’t feel like a human being (a consequence of having been so cruelly discarded). Bring kind to myself is important. I have been expecting too much too soon. Unless you’ve been through this, you don’t understand, which is why this thread is so precious.

This thread is precious to me. Keeps me going. I feel like I did too much for him. Told him that too but he is denial mode at the moment. And I feel realisation of what hes actually doing is sinking in for him . Maybe more financial than emotional. Trying to get myself going today. I'm not used to this loneliness.

@Bigoooh13, the loneliness is hard, I agree. I have not got going at all today. I feel in the point of tears all the time. I have managed to eat, and am spending the day catching up with some reading (I haven’t done that for a long time). Today is a day on which life feels very empty. It will pass.

Do you ever listen to the radio @SuperbMonkey and @Bigpooh13 ? I find it really helps with combatting my loneliness (for when my DS is with his dad). Find a station without all the annoying adverts! I find BBC stations are best. Just a suggestion incase it helps you too.

@TurmoilAndHeartbreak, thanks for making the suggestion. I do listen to radio 4 and to podcasts. I’m still struggling with, say, 6 Music, because we listened together. Radio does help in the quiet times though. I just miss his company when he was the man I married (not in the last few months).

@SuperbMonkey of course you will be feeling like a discarded sock, especially after your group session yesterday it brings it all home and dtags you down, but we have to be down to climb out. Going to the group will allow you to make positive changes and its bot a race, it's a journey we are all unfortunately on. Just do one thing for yourself today and it doesnt have to be big, you got out of bed, you brushed your hair. We all live in this turmoil but just remember it wasnt you, as much as they blame shift and make you feel like crap. It wasnt big hugs to you.
@Bigpooh13 as much as I know my husband of 25 years and I spoke to him about his feelings, emotions and as much as he said I will regret it in the future. That holds no sway with you now. You cant put your life in hold, living in hope. These men are wrapped up in one thing themselves with no empathy for others, and god know I made excuses and justified all to myself. I hate the loneliness the missing my best friend, the one I confided in. The financial worry is killing me and everyday we get up put a smile and fake it because that's what we do.
Big hugs to everyone in here, we are doing our best and if this helps us, then so be it xx

@Jacteller, thanks for your kind, sympathetic words, and hugs. Today has been difficult - an early night is required.

Take care everyone, xx

@Jacteller. Thanks . Needed that. He says he has no empathy and I think that has affected me. Living his happy showy life. Leaving me without a penny to live on. I'm disappointed in myself for false hope.

@Bigpooh13 it's all about image management with them, they have to proof it was right and all our talking wont convience them otherwise and god we cant wait for the karma bus, many years down the line when you are happy and settled in whatever you chose you may hear something about the wankbadger and that will make you smile with I told you so ... there is no reasoning no matter how much sense and how much it is easy to slip into old ways with them like nothing has happened, they are cake eating taking from you, giving us/you false hope. It's horrible and leaves us drained and emotional, doubting ourselves. Live your life, one small step at a time good and bad days and we will rise from the fire.
@SuperbMonkey so today has been a bad day, but you have survived and tho you probably dont feel it you are stronger than yesterday. Dont emotional beat yourself up because it's a bad day, we all have them. God knows how we will all feel tomorrow getting up. But we will face it good or bad

Superb, definitely fear of being exposed – to themselves as much as anyone else.

The co-dependency group sounds interesting, and co-dependency was something my counsellor mentioned. I will look for a group locally. Not surprising you were very emotional afterwards, though. I normally leave a session sobbing my heart out.

Superb, you are definitely not a failure. Wet sock is part of the process. It is horrible, but normal, and, it seems, necessary. I think you just have to let the sogginess ‘be’, and you will come out a warrior again (with dry socks). I think we have all at some point, and will probably continue to, expect too much of ourselves. I know for me I have a period of feeling strong, and think, ‘right, that’s it, I’m over that loser.’ So when I inevitably crash, I feel like I’ve failed. But I haven’t, none of us have. The fact that none of us have dug a hole and buried ourselves in it is testament to that.

I am sorry today has been a bad day. I hope you get peaceful sleep, and today is one more day you’ve got through.

I must go back to the mindfulness. I have a session with telephone CBT counsellor next week, and haven’t done my homework!

Bigpooh, excellent to keep writing everything down. Collapsing afterwards is perfectly understandable. But how strong you are that you can still make sure you record things first – warrior woman indeed!

I read that ‘grass is greener’ piece. Interesting, but I think is far to kind. Better named “sad old git terrified of his own mortality, consumed by his failures, desperate to blame someone else, unable to deal with life like a grown-up and being as weak as the weakest thing in weak-land’ syndrome.

Sounds like your H and his new/old woman thoroughly deserve each other.

Jac, yes – I only know a little of what H has said to others, but a few things have made me think, “woah, that’s not true!” Wine good, Snowballs good, tequila good!!

And yes, I look back at how much pandering I did, not just last year, but the year before. He was depressed and I totally enabled him to wallow. I see that now. I was depressed too, but kind of lost myself in his feelings. And he let me. Pah.

Unicorns, it no longer surprises me the level of self-absorption in having ow involved from day one, I have a story about that I’ll add later. And definitely no prize, unless you have entered a contest to win a ‘Self-obsessed, infantile, delusional wankbadger’. There are plenty to go around…

Cake, ha, marginalising! Can relate. Mine was expressing sorrow at not seeing the dc, not having seen them at Christmas and shedding a tear after dd left him after her visit. Seeming to want sympathy. Simple solution, mate, don’t walk out like a fuckwit!

Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, Turmoil. Working out new routines is exhausting at the best of times.

Madcat, oh god, I am sorry. That sounds horrendous. That is a massive thing to get your head around.

Back to work tomorrow. Ho hum. Feel like I survived the festive period pretty well - pretty knackered as organised so much stuff so I wouldn't be on my own when ex had the kids, but made it to the end. I find I think "ooo I'm doing so well" but actually as soon as he has the kids I feel so crap and like such a failure, even when with lovely supportive friends/family. I don't miss him, because by the time he left he had been so awful to me for so long (I don't think I can even remember him being to me at this point). But it's just so sad. Not what I wanted or chose, for me or the kids (or for him, he really was my best mate). I really wanted the big happy family with him. Can't help feeling so stupid, I must look like such a dick for not seeing it coming - but honestly, who waits until they have 3 kids and then decides their marriage is shit?! What a DICKHEAD.

And how ridiculous is it that they all seem to behave roughly the same? So depressing and clichéd. No morals or empathy or decency. What a bunch of wankbadgers.

On that jolly note, night night! xxx