Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies.
I'm totally with you. Had an unexpected visit today. Totally thrown me. Hes such a barstool so why do I still love him. He wanted to give me a cuddle and still called me huney. I so wanted a cuddle but didnt as we had been talking about the divorce and financial stuff. He makes quite clear it's over.

Thank you unicorns, Superb and Bigpooh.

And now I see that woman has liked a New Year message his cousin posted on his FB page.

Why would you do that?

I know I must block on FB, and I will shortly, but, blimey. Did not expect that. Does cousin know they're in a relationship? Who else does? Another example of his shittiness I guess.

Bunnies, I’m so sorry you are seeing these things. It’s like death by a thousand cuts. I suspect that she is ingratiating herself with his family or with him. Everyone will be able to see through what she is doing. It doesn’t mean that anyone knows about a relationship (perhaps there is one, perhaps there isn’t, perhaps people know, perhaps they don’t). Please don’t torture yourself more than you feel you absolutely need to. Don’t give him the satisfaction. You are a warrior woman and warrior woman don’t waste their time on the lower elements. x

Hi. I'm slowly making my way through the thread and am so sorry so many of you are going through this. I would like to jump in if that's ok as it seems like this thread could be what I need.

Quick background (sadly familiar story really) is him having an affair that lasted around 8-10 months, her coming round to tell me about it last year. I said I'd try for the sake of our family (two young children). In many ways he's made a huge effort but it turns out I can't forgive and forget. I've told him this is it and I want a divorce. He is not really accepting this and is putting a lot of pressure on me to keep trying. I am so scared that I will give in and just keep going in this stupid limbo for the rest of my life. Because we do get on and we are a good family unit.

I'm determined not to give in, because I know in my heart it's over. But I'm finding it very hard to make that final move as I think about the children and stupidly feel guilty at what it's doing to him (I know...). I hope being a part of a thread like this might help to strengthen my resolve.

women

I too hear that his mates are making fun of him. And some of his family they cant believe what he is doing and what is wrong with him. But that all stops it gets accepted and that's it . We are forgotten.. I couldnt believe it when I 1st found out about him and the whore his sister was in a pucture of them 2 with her thumbs up. 20 years I spent with her as well. She never even contacted me when we split . We had been out together a month before he left .

@TheyCalledherPatience, welcome to the thread, although I’m sorry you’re here with the rest of us. I think that many of us would have taken her husbands back at some point. I know that I wouldn’t now, even though the road ahead is going to be hard. The leaving of me was bad enough, but the discovery of the affair and the manipulation and deception that went with it is too much to forgive, let alone forget. I will get my self respect back only by seeing this through. You sound very strong and determined.

@Bigpooh13, you sound sad again. .

Thanks . It's my own fault I'm sad. I let him get too me again. When hes here we are mucking about but still talking about solicitors n stuff and it seems to ho out of my head what a shite time I've had and what a bar stool he is. As it says above I must have more self respect and protect myself. We even pulled a cracker. I do tell him what I think of him but i dont think he cares. Such a waste of a decade and kids n everything.

Thanks for the welcome. I'm not strong or determined, I'm a mess. He never left me and at times I wish he had - he'd ended the affair and had hoped just to move past it without me ever knowing. He's making me feel so guilty for trying to end our marriage whether deliberately or not. Even though his actions have caused this it's me that has to make that decision which will hurt so many other people and it seems so unfair. I haven't managed to convince myself that this isn't all my fault and if I could just pull myself together and get over it everyone would be happier.

@TheyCalledherPatience, this isn’t your fault so please don’t blame yourself. You have to do what is right for you and DC.

I have woken up today in a complete panic about the future. This morning everything looks hard.

@SuperbMonkey. We can do this. Its hit me this morning as well. 1st time I didnt wanna get out of bed. They arent gonna win we are.

@Bigpooh13, ah, thanks for the encouragement. I needed that today.

Morning all, looks like we are all in the same position they act nice and send us backwards. I have been reading about image management and publically they are all sweetness and light posting on social media how they help or look at me with the ow. With no thought to you or kids at home. Complete narcissistic behaviour. My wankbadger thanks @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies I love that name. Has paid me less than he said for the last 3 months telling me hes skint aww poor him but throwing money around and flashing it all over social media whilst his wife and kids are sat at home with no money, as long as his good image is upheld and he gets the validation from all the likes!
We never wanted to be in this situation, good days and bad we will come out stronger and better

Thank you Superb - I am a somewhat feeble warrior woman today, but certainly better than yesterday. I like 'lower elements'!

Welcome to the Warrior Women, Patience, although the usual and heartfelt ‘sorry you are here’, obviously applies. I don’t think there is anything wrong in trying to reconcile. It can work sometimes. But if it’s not working for you, then that is no ‘fault’ of yours whatsoever, do not think that it is. The fault lies firmly with your H. He did the breaking in the first place.

No way should he be making you feel guilty – and it won’t be your decision that hurts other people, it will be his original decision to be a monumental arse that has caused the damage.

And Superb, you sound strong in your resolution – have to confess I’m not there yet, although I can’t quite envisage what H would now have to do if he ever did want to reconcile!

I feel panic over what’s to come too, but Bigpooh is right – they are not going to win, we are.

Bigpooh – again, there’s no 'fault’ We feel what we feel, and we need to pretty much roll with it to get through it. I do believe each time we crumble and then get back up we gain a little scale to add to our Warrior Woman dragon armour (sorry, gone all Game of Thrones there!) I know I was desolate last night, and I am still soggy today, but I have done work, I have eaten (if not much) which I couldn’t have done at the beginning.

I know what you are saying about it being a waste, and I have those feelings too. But it isn’t a waste – the dc came out of it, and I think (hope) in time we can retain those good memories. I know it’s not a death, but the grieving process is similar. When my mum first died, and it was very unexpected and horrible, I couldn’t even think of her, let alone speak of her, without sobbing. And that did get better over time and I was able to enjoy those memories. I know we have added wankbadgery to add to the mix, but the memories of those times, with that person are still good and valid – the person you remember is just different to the one you’re faced with now.

That’s hard, Jac – the two-facedness is astounding.

I have been writing some stuff down, and something that really bugs me is what we’ve all mentioned. The fact that these men behave atrociously towards us, then get cross and defensive if you challenge their ‘nice guy’ façade. But I know if H had spoken with me back in summer and told me his feelings, we could have talked, perhaps worked things out. But if not, I would have had some agency, I would have felt that our relationship, and me, were worth discussing, had value. I still would have been devastated, but the honesty, and, one would hope, subsequent kindness, would have made things easier, and certainly would have meant that becoming friends at some point would be possible.

And then he really would have been a ‘nice guy’, for doing things decently. He would have still had the integrity I valued, and have been worthy of the trust I had in him.

So how is this shitshow better?

One sticking point is that I don’t believe it was as clear cut as that – his words/actions have been so contradictory. And of course I don’t know when/if Miss Firstlove came into play.

So cowardice? Guilt? Denial? All of them? It just defies logic.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies. Good to hear that you are feeling better and more warrior woman-like. On your last point, my H still denies his affair to everyone. Cowardice! He is now telling mutual friends that he ‘wants to talk to me’ but I ‘refuse to talk to’ him and that he has done everything he can to talk to me. He is a ‘good man’. Rubbish. He is worried about the money and that his image as the perfect husband will be tarnished. The people who know me know who I am. They now know who he is because I have told them and his lies have showed them. He has tried, once, to talk to me at a time convenient to him when I was out. He does not fully appreciate who he is dealing with and he and his ex are welcome to build their relationship on lies and deceit. Good luck to them.

Mostly cowardice and shame, I believe. Scared of being exposed for what they really are.

Brilliant what you all put is so similar to my barstool. Lying, deceit, image , manipulate, money , . And I'm most disgusted that he left with out giving us a chance. Then comes around wanting cuddles. But telling me hes spent his savings. That's why I write down everything he says then I can reflect back n think what a dick. And I can pass it onto the solicitor. Then I can go have my panic attacks. He even said that he would deny he paid me to work with him.

The wankbadgeree is strong in all of them, exactly what @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies said, if my husband had talked to me instead of confiding in her and her having the audacity to diagnose me with controlling behaviour and him lapping it up, but what she doesnt see is the private face of the man, as I said it's all image management public face and private face if ppl knew after he posts all over social media that he is cutting off his kids because he thinks the money I get off him goes in nights out. Ppl would be ashamed of him.
Well wankbadger has picked kids up for the weekend and satans whore was in the car with him, at least he had the decency to park out of sight. I have now got a very large rum and coke and seeking solice on her and chumplady

Rum m coke has got me over the worst part. Appalling behaviour they should be ashamed

@Bigpooh13 the joy of rum and coke, please feel free to join in and raise a glass anytime I am sure we will all join in.
The problem was that I was following his merry dance for the last year, believing everything he said, helping him out cooking meals when he was skint, a shoulder to cry on. No more I am no longer his wife he never valued our marriage enough and know he gets to devalue me even more?? Everyday I have to be strong otherwise my head can justify everything. I am sure when sayans whore leaves next week he will be back like a dog with a bone, but the master is no longer responding and that for me means going grey rock, he will hate it, cause arguments just for a raise out of me, but this place will give me the strength. We all deserve better, we didnt do anything wrong, these wankbadger can blame shift like its second nature. We didnt cause them to look elsewhere.
Bottoms up!

@Jacteller

Well done for being strong. What a selfish. Selfish man. Mine was the same contact was with ow/gf. From day one. As 'daddies friend'. And he saw no wrong in her being in the car at pick up/drop off.

No point making an issue about it. It isn't worth it. I wish them both well. Remain dignified and stick with grey rock. I only discuss contact about the kids. Money is through the cms. Not that I have had any.

My ex, as it appears others has behaved appallingly. He has to live with that not me. And she is welcome to his selfish, thoughtless arse. She hasn't won any prize there.

Morning @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, @Jacteller, @Bigpooh13, and @unicornsarereal72. I’m going to a codependency group this morning. It’s along the same lines as AA so I don’t know whether it will work for me (not into the religious aspects). It will be interesting and in the spirit of trying out as many new things as I can (as long as they don’t cost much).

It sounds as if Jac and Big enjoyed the rum and coke fest! Quite right too. Often I’m glad that I don’t have children when I read about the way they are weaponised when a relationship breaks down. Totally insensitive, unicorns, to have OW in car in pick up. I see that as being the equivalent of a fox or cat ‘spraying’ to mark territory. It’s an immature way of showing how he’s the big man.

I am finding chumplady to be a wonderful resource for when I feel a bit floppy. Just rereading a couple of articles gives me strength. I hope everyone has a good day today. Warrior on ...

Just been reading about grass is greener syndrome which has been very interesting . Better than mid life crisis.

Had to hand the kids over again today (they're 6, 4 and 14months). 4th sleepover in 2 weeks and they're all exhausted, baby was crying and shouting "mama" when he was put in the car. God I hope this gets easier. Just want them home with me. Know they have to have time with ex, they need a relationship with him (and I need a break) but this has been too much (for them and for me). In a way it would be easier if he didn't want to be involved, but seems like he's more interested now than when we were together... That really hurts. And then when I arranged for my parents to look after the older two on Monday for a school inset day, he accused me of "marginalising" him because I didn't consult him first. You marginalised yourself when you walked out, dickhead. ARGGHHHHHHHH. Just got to get to the next mediation session and stick to my guns when I get there. Wish I could just never see him again. Bleughhhhhh.

@caketimeisover there is more contact this time of year with the Christmas holidays. I have found the extra contact difficult. I think next year the children can go for a few days. Rather than odd bits here and there. So that they and I can be more settled.

It is a wrench the children not being here. Like you I know they should have a relationship with their father. As much as I would like him to disappear that is purely for my selfish reasons. Hope that you can get a routine that suits you all and it get easier in time.

Can't believe Monday is looming and back to reality and no chocolate for breakfast.

Thanks @unicornsarereal72. Definitely been too much chopping and changing, and when kids are bigger fewer longer stays would definitely be better for everyone. How old are yours? What are your contact arrangements like? So so hard to have to deal with this when I didn't (and still don't) want or ask for any of it.

Back to work on Monday might be good - I've drunk all the booze and eaten nearly all the chocolate, time to earn some money so I can stock up again!