Hello, wishing 2020 is good for all of us.
I am sorry there are even more of us here now. But the warmth, support and strength I've found here has been such a lifesaver. Made me feel a lot less alone, even though I wish none of us were here. No hijacking fears, Superb - if anyone gets even a fraction of the comfort I've got from this thread then it's, well, not 'the more the merrier', but certainly strength in numbers.
Sharing experiences with people further down the track, at the same place or just at the start, people who know what it's like has been, and is, invaluable, even as it's been eye-opening in quite how similar some of these wankbadgers act.
Definitely, definitely all welcome - we are all awesome.
I’m sorry this is going to be epically long, but I want to catch up properly!
Bigpooh – not another one who’s regressed to a partner from years ago!! Unbelievable. Is there some kind of ‘sad and desperate, recapturing youth and behaving like a lovesick teen’ bug going around? That’s how many of us?
Unicorns, your plan sounds good, and I completely relate to not knowing quite what ‘your time’ will look like. I’m glad bad days are fewer. I don’t think it ever can be the same, but I do think there must come a time when the ‘new life’ becomes the norm, and not strange. I’ve read other threads of people further along (and on this one too) where that happens, so I really hope so.
I think H is unsettled by my low contact, for the same reasons you say – guilt and ego!
Superb I am sorry things aren’t going to be easy this year, but I am glad you had a good time with friends and will do so again. Glad friends are great, even if family, not so much…
Still, glad you got through Christmas, and sorry about your neighbour and tough times with elderly relatives. Going out, well I’ve done some, but I don’t really want to. All I really want to do is either sleep, or mope on the sofa. Have arranged to see 2 friends at the weekend and already feel like cancelling. Won’t though.
Do listen to Superb, who has put it beautifully – you are worth so much more, and it is doing those small things, like cooking, taking a walk or similar that I’ve found most helpful. Just a little something that takes you out of yourself, even for a short while. Something else to focus on.
I was all enthusiastic about mindfulness a little while ago, but haven’t really done much in the last week or so. I must try again from tomorrow – the tiny bit I did seemed quite useful.
Jacteller, I am so glad you’ve found some solidarity here – I said very early in the thread that I would never have imagined taking part in a conversation like this would mean so much, but it really does. Dd is going up to see H for a few days tomorrow and I feel very odd about it. It’s not overseas, but several hours away, and will be the first time she’ll have seen him in nearly 3 months, since he left here so shittily. I want her to have a good time with her dad, but as he’s been so odd with her on the phone, she’s not really looking forward to it. So I feel weird for me, and sad for her that what he’s done is so impacting her.
Vision, that bewilderment is definitely one of the worst things. That sense you’ll just wake up from it. Sharing and talking over it here has been such a help. I must confess I’m not brilliant at distracting myself when at home, but so far am finding reading is working best. Nothing like a nice easy crime thriller or apocalyptic disaster to take your mind off things!
I’m also finding it almost impossible to listen to music, as going see bands was something we’d done a lot of over the past few years and loved. Same with tv. So many things we’d watch together, and I haven’t really got the heart.
I’ve rearranged bedroom, got new bedding and some new clothes, and have packed some of his stuff up, but finding that very hard.
Caketime sounds like to are being really proactive and being really strong – and I love your mug! And yes to swearing! I’ve a local friend a few years down the line and she now swears like a trooper – it was funny seeing her the other day as we were both nice polite people before, but together it was most sweary!
Turmoil – I only read about hopium on CL today, and seem to find it all the time unfortunately, then get crushed again when something makes it obvious it’s misplaced. Head and heart definitely not in the same place.
Fairygirl, I honestly think part of the ‘bug’ I mentioned earlier with these men is that they become blinded to consequences. Their denial is so great they are totally bewildered (and sometimes hurt) when forced to face something unpleasant. It really would be a fascinating process if it wasn’t so bloody painful.
I’m in a weird place at the moment. Upped the dosage of anti-depressants which seems to be really working in terms of having some equilibrium. Still big ups and downs, but I have a little distance from some of the worst of it. And I am getting some sleep. And they do seem to have helped ease some of the menopause symptoms, which is a bonus (GP did mention this might be the case).
Had a lovely time with friends by the coast, but have been poleaxed by some very odd behaviour from H. First there was the Christmas card with the message suitable for a friendly acquaintance. Then I see he is now Facebook friends with his first love. Which I found out as she popped up top of my ‘suggestions’ list. So that was nice. Weirdly it isn’t the person I’d spotted on FB before, although they share a not very common first name, but this is definitely her. I can only assume this is first stage in them going official. I have no actual knowledge of a relationship, but…
Then he commented on a picture I posted on FB with a totally inappropriate for our circumstances way, which not only bemused me, but also several friends, one of whom messaged me to ask if we were back together!
Finally, he has asked dd to bring some stuff up to him. A few bits was ok, but he wanted other things that she had to ask me about, so I have sent a message telling him not to use her as an intermediary, but to contact me.
On the plus side, another of his relatives has contacted me to give her support, and is outraged at him.
I will be seeing a solicitor shortly, and want to get things moving.
Heart and head are not in accord, however, and I still love the git. I miss him so much, the closeness, the chats, the laughter, and I am floored by the idea of him not being my person any more. And I miss him physically. Particularly cuddles.
So a mixed bag, really.
I have some vague plans. Getting finances sorted. Buying one nice item of clothing a month and clearing out my rather crappy wardrobe. Going on days out. Taking up a hobby. Some of which are a bit difficult, as am skint, but got to start somewhere.
Phew, as I said, epically long.
But we will do this I know, we are such brilliant people. You are all so inspiring.