Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Just to set the record straight.I was worried at the time for his MH as he was so low ( cos LD EA called it off!). And he let me ! He was so distant and disengaged that I questioned staying with him.So off I went by myself for a summer abroad.And was made to feel guilty by family for leaving him. I wish to God , he had told me then as I had so many opportunities.

Now, I don't give a shite about his mental issues. I don't care about his mental or physical pain. He deserves whatever he goes through.

I don't recognise myself.Always thought I was strong. But this has absolutely destroyed any confidence or faith in myself.

But ,in my strong moments, I know that he and our marriage do not have to define me. And as I don't respect or trust him anymore , he is just yet another arsehole man.

And unlike many of you , my DH desperately wants to stay together. So remorseful and begs for us to go back to therapy and reconcile.
And truly , it would solve so many problems, especially financial.
But what kind of life would that be.Always resentful, angry , distrustful. No thanks.

it is clear that a relationship between him and his first ever girlfriend has been rekindled in all respects and they are crazily in love

yup, happened to me, too. She was the one that got away. It really hurt.

Of course, it didn't last and exploded in drama. He swiftly moved on to the next soul mate.

Ha ha. Old teenage friend in my case too! Only now she living abroad .And she sought him out.
Ironically , I too, had reconnected with an long ago serious boyfriend. But I told my DH .And our conversations revolved around our lives now , in two different countries.

@Stillfunny, I understand. I thought exactly the same about mine. I thought he was distant and disengaged because he was stressed at work. Little did I know! I agree that people who do this deserve every bit of pain they get. Mine kept telling me he was ‘sad’ after I found out about the affair, which he still hasn’t admitted. So what!

All your confidence and faith in yourself is still there. Your last sentence makes that clear. You are a person of integrity; he isn’t.

Why do they have to go back in time to a previous relationship that didnt work the first time and probably not for long and give up years n years with someone that loved them and build a life with them and all the shite we have been through.

@SuperbMonkey mine too wont admit the affair, it's funny how they can justify there own actions, all emotional online shit I love you, videos etc that I found then bang it's all my fault and now he and ow travel to each other every 6/8 weeks. It's actually sickening he complains he has no money, yet spends like hes rockafella with her. Yet is sniffing round me when he wants. Love the threats as well when I move to another continent... I'm like hurry up do you need help with your bags 🤣.
Jist got sick of the constant nose rubbing like poor me I was a victim in our 25 year relationship 15 married and she rescued him, nope I have had a lucky escape and yes it has taken me a long time to get here and sure wobbles still to come but 2019 is the last year I got trampled on!

My rose tinted glasses were always abit smeared with him . But this life and noone perfect I'm not. But those glasses are definitely off now as I dont know him anymore.

Morning everyone. Even chump lady isn’t hitting the spot today! How’s everyone else doing?

Hello! New to the thread, just discovered it last night and wished I'd found it sooner. So sad that so many people are going through this, but it helps to not be alone.

My husband walked out at the end of September after confessing (during marriage counseling!) to a 15 month affair with a friend of ours. It started when I was 6 months pregnant with our third baby, and he left when the baby was 11 months old. Over a year of cheating, lying and what I can see now as emotional abuse and gaslighting, so the lead up was almost worse than the big reveal. Whole sorry story is in another thread "Husband cheated and left" - also on chump lady at beginning of December, was so happy when she replied! Chump Lady really has been my Bible the last couple of months.

It's such a rollercoaster. Some days I feel kind of ok - I already filed for divorce and getting things in order for that, organising mediation etc feels like a way forwards. I've realised how amazing my friends and family are, people have stepped up and been there for me which has been amazing. But other days I just can't stop the cloud of horrible crap in my head, all the questions and sadness and fear for the future, worry about my tiny kids. I've never been so broken hearted. Having to see him very often because of the kids, and that is horrendous, but am trying to be as no contact as possible, only discussing kids and divorce over email. It feels like he thought he'd tell me, I'd go boo hoo but then we'd be friends and it'd all be fine - so he's surprised by my reaction to it all, that we are nowhere near being "friends" (and I'm not sure we ever will be). I'm just about able to mumble a few words at him if needed when I hand the kids over, but I can't even look at him at the moment - not sure if I'd cry or vomit if I did. Maybe both! I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, to our kids and our family, I thought he was safe (one of the reasons I married him) - goes to show you never really know someone.

Anyway I don't have anything to add really other than solidarity. As someone over on Chump Lady said to me, "one day at a time, but each day dickhead free". Big hugs.

@caketimeisover, just popping in to say welcome. I read your thread on mumsnet and your letter and response on chumplady because it resonated with me. It sounds as if you are being really proactive in moving forward in spite of feeling so sad. I love that chumplady quote which I haven’t seen before. Problem is what you know with your head you feel with your heart, and it’s the heart that finds it hard to let go. Thanks for the hugs and solidarity. We all need it. x

My lovely sister got my full moniker put on a mug for Christmas. Made me smile anyway!

Thank you for your kind words @SuperbMonkey, so sorry to see so many others going through a similar situation but taking strength in others too. I have OK days and bad days which I'm assuming is normal. Miss him desperately though, especially the times he would come in from work, a huge part of me still expects him to just come home but of course that will not happen, nor can it. Its just so strange.

As far as I am aware there is no OW, my friends were quite surprised when he walked out and said it would have eetgeirt thing they would have asked him, perhaps there is - but I doubt it tbh.

I've been good with the no contact. Only contact has been via a quick phone call a few days after he walked out to discuss finances, then I've just text regarding finances and the kids. He text me with a random funny text about something one of the k7ds said to him the other day which I just thought was bizaar, does he think we are just gonna be great pals now? That's not something I can do. I keep wondering if he is OK and then strangely feel bad for just blanking him, but then I know I just have to protect myself right now.

Doing a few little bits to keep busy. Took the kids the park, out for ice cream and swimming baths whilst they have been off over crimbo. But my daughters been sick last few days so we've been stuck at home. What things do you guys do at home to distract yourself for a bit?

I've taken to playing card games on my phone to keep myself occupied at certain times of the day. We've been in nearly daily contact since the split as he wanted to be friends. Soon as he gets a letter from solicitor its stopped . Me being chumped. Now cut me of financially. So now shitting myself as morgage Bill's etc not being paid this month. What a twat. Hes even bragged on FB about how gud hes being to me and still paying n looking after me. I haven't seen this post but it has been seen by so called friends that tell me . So tempting but will not retaliate on FB. Let them believe his bullshit like I did as I didnt realise he was this guy.

@caketimeisover, that is 😂. What an inspiring gift!

@Visioncroquet, yes I find ‘coming home from work’ time difficult too. Well, anything that was part of a routine is tricky. I had a couple of quite random texts, but contact about anything other than money diminished as soon as he knew that I knew about the affair (not admitted by him as he tries to protect his reputation as a man of high morals).

I find distracting myself difficult even when I am with others, as I am now. Exercise is good, but I can’t, for example, listen to music because that was something we did together. Cinema is a good distraction. I probably spend too much time online looking for answers to unsolvable problems. I see friends and family. My life used to be very full. It now feels quite empty. That’s something for me to address. I’m interested to read about how others distract themselves. All ideas welcome.

Morning all. Hope the start of a new year brings some comfort about moving forward for you all.

They want to be friends to easy their guilt. And they can show everyone what a great guy they are. My ex thought we would be in and out of each other's lives helping out and doing stuff with the kids. He wanted his single life and ow. And also still have a foot as the family man. And I was meant to be ok with it all and see it was for the best.

He hated the low contact. And me being so formal. It dented his ego. It takes time but I prefer it this way now. He is nothing to me and does not deserve any of my time or emotion.

I kept myself busy at home in the beginning by sorting and packing anything that was his away. New bedding. Moving furniture. And a bit of decorating. Listening to music took a long time and still certain songs I have to switch off. I don't watch a lot of tv still. I can't concentrate that long. It all just takes time to adjust.

We will all come out the other side.

Hello everyone, sorry to see more joining the club but glad it's giving all of us support to talk about our respective nightmares. I've name changed (used to be shins for those of you that know me!)

My ex spent 2 nights with us over Christmas (nothing happened) but has since ignited hopium in me...he says he feels re-born and at home in his new life but can't forget about me and his old life is calling to him. He missed DS too and realised he is missing so much even though he does see him regularly. He's not begging to come home,he doesn't know what he wants. But, we can't go back can we...

I've got myself into a twist about it all. I don't miss living with him day to day (he was driving me mad and the house is much calmer without him here) but emotionally I am still tied to him. Despite everything he's done I do still love him. I thought we were soul mates and could get through anything.

I am finding it very hard to shut this down and the thought of applying for the divorce petition is so upsetting (but was my promise to myself for the new year once I took my head out of the sand).

Ive just been reading your chump lady post @caketimeisover and trying to get my strength back. I don't want to be a chump but "D"H has been messaging me about seeing DS and it's made my heart leap....

@unicornsarereal72 and @TurmoilAndHeartbreak, morning. Turmoil, are you a runner? I ask because of your former name!

Unicorns, thanks for the tips. I was criticized for being formal too. In real life there’s no other way to do it. I’m finding the prospect of the new year terrifying. Yesterday was very difficult and I cried for the first time in a long while. I like change but not chaotic upheaval, so I’m finding the inevitably of that difficult. Part of me wants to sell up, take my money and go somewhere warm to live. Probably not realistic.

I don’t watch much TV either due to problems with concentration. I used to read a lot but find that difficult too. Wish the anti-ds would kick in.

Turmoil, I feel your sadness. It is unsettling when there is more contact than usual. You are very definitely not a chump, so stay strong. Revisiting chumplady on hopium helps. You are a warrior: deeds matter, not words. Weigh up his deeds ...

Have a hopeful day as far as possible. Sending warm thoughts to all in this horrible position.

I cant concentrate on anything very long . Very fidgety and on edge. He didnt turn yesterday but said he see me today great our anniversary. I really want to tell him what I think but it's not worth it. In his head hes not doing anything wrong. Leaving me with no money since before xmas is disgusting all I did for him and his 3 kids. And I still want him to say hes made a big mistake. I wish you all the best i can over new years. They have made the mistakes not us.

@unicornsarereal72, how do they act so similarly, trying to be friends when they've done the unforgivable, trying to make you feel unreasonable for having your guard up? I've destroyed your life, the kids' family, treated you like crap but yeah, let's be friends! Hell no, getoutgetoutgetout.

@TurmoilAndHeartbreak he's being so cruel saying he misses his old life, keeping you on standby. @SuperbMonkey is so right about the deeds, not words. The reason I filed for divorce so quickly was because I could see, however much I wished it wasn't true, his actions showed that our marriage was dead. You don't treat someone like that if you love and respect them. It's painful to accept, painful to realise he's someone completely different to who you thought he was, but he's shown how he feels through his horrible actions.

I filled in the divorce application in online (it's really straightforward, didn't use a solicitor, checked the box saying he can bloody well pay too) and I'm finding filling in paperwork for mediation etc gives me a purpose, even if it is a bit terrifying (and often ends up with sobbing on the floor).

I'm finding music hard too, usually end up crying as we did a lot of festivals and gigs together over the years... But sweary songs help - currently listening and singing along to F**k you by Cee Lo Green. Actually swearing in general seems to help! And calling him a dickhead. Because he really is one.

@Bigpooh13 hope seeing him today isn't too painful.

Happy new year people, virtual hugs all round. 2020 has GOT to be better than this shitstorm, right?!

@caketimeisover I am in awe of your strength and determination. You were so decisive. I know the marriage is dead, as a result of his actions. I have weak moments though. I have gone no contact save for sorting out money and divorce. That both helps and hinders. 2020 will be better I’m sure, and certainly different.

Good luck @Bigpooh2013.

@unicornsarereal72 and @TurmoilAndHeartbreak my idiot is exactly the same I've lost my best friend and expects is to be in and out of each others lives which I did what a chump I am living on hopium well hopium only causes misery. I have been reading chump lady with a passion and yes he never valued me or what our relationship stood for, he is a grade one douche bag and for once the women who fixed everybody else and puts herself on the back burner is putting me first. God I know it hurts and I torment myself with what he is doing but that is getting less as the days go by. I still have to deal with the kids spending tomorrow till sunday in their little love nest, now that is killing me but I wont let them see that and I wont ask them all about it. Good job I am in work to distract me.
We are all worth more than these men did to us, it doesnt define us, we will go into 2020 stronger than ever carrying our heartbreak as a badge of honour. These people are not worthy of our time and effort. They are selfish and didnt value us. They will realise the grass is not greener it's just a different field. My mantra for this coming year not my circus not my monkeys. Dont let them drag you back in, easier said than done.
Keep talking on here, get it out, none of us are chumps, we have values and morals and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

@Jacteller so glad to see that you are using chumplady as a good resource to give you some methods of dealing with your sadness in a positive way. Put your own needs first. I made the mistake of not doing that and I was completely used and taken for granted. Things are different now. You are being brave. None of us are chumps.

@SuperbMonkey hell I have been used for a year and I let it. I have been using chumplady as a means of not falling back down the rabbit hole it's too easy to justify things in my head, seeing it from other people makes me more harden to resolve! As this night is waring on my head is all over the place knowing he has splashed out with her whilst telling me he is struggling think booked a posh hotel in a major city, gorgeous high end restaurant burgh, I couldnt get him to do anything,and will be all loved up and all over fb. Yes I dont follow him on any social media bit the mind playss wicked games so here and chumplady gets me thru my moments of madness.
2020 I am going grey rock

Me thinks I shouldn't have spoken to him today. It didnt help. I realised later he was bullying me into taking his financial offer . He said some things that were pure stupid another way to ease his guilt. Hes having problems with new house costing him a fortune. Hey not my problem your choice to buy it. I was too soft on him on the phone hate he can still do that do me. Hes not coming back. Why cant I move on quickly like him. I'm so scared for the future. Didnt want this life.